Hi Everyone! 

I'm so sorry for the delay in writing a post. I posted an update after my last scan via video on my Facebook but I know not everyone uses that platform. I had radiation for a tumor in my back muscle in September and I was hoping that I would be out of pain. The radiation went smoothly although I was so exhausted most days and had to rest a lot. I had a scan in early September and it seemed to confirm that things were stable. I spent September resting a lot and enjoying just taking care of myself and the kids. After the t-cell transplant, traveling and radiation, I was just spent. Taylor and I cooked a lot and I enjoyed the simplicity of a daily routine. 

I had a scan this week and on the day of the scan, the doctor pulled up the images and gave me a thumbs-up that things continue to look stable. I was starting to get used to some good news! I came home after the scan and told the kids the news. The following day, Dr. Agulnik from the City of Hope called and he had news that was very different from the day before. Unfortunately, oncologists don't read scans well and in August he misread the scan and got me nervous and scared, this time he said everything was stable. Both times he was wrong. Every time I get news of cancer growth, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I don't want to use the word "bad" news versus "good news" because that very morning when I woke up it dawned on me that there are no bad or good experiences, we just have experiences. We tend to label things and when we do, we discount the beauty in all experiences. I may not like hearing that cancer is growing and I have a bunch of emotions that follow that news, but all emotions are amazing and so what if I cry for a day? It is real and acknowledges my pain and on the flip side, when I come out of expressing that pain, I feel such hope and inspiration flowing through me. It's like weathering a storm on the ocean and enjoying the fact that not only did you survive, you have renewed hope and appreciation for when things are calm.  Enjoy the calm when you have it in your life because a storm is always coming. That's life. We were not born with a promise that life would be stress-free and challenge-free. The Bible is full of advice about how to weather the storms (faith), and all religions talk about challenges in life. The news was that several tumors have grown and one mystery tumor doubled in size. The mystery tumor is why I'm still in pain in my right shoulder. It turns out that the radiologist missed noting that I had a second tumor in my back on the official report on every scan including this week's scan. This mystery tumor is only a few inches above the one they radiated last month. Apparently, it was 1.2 cm two months ago, and now it's 2.4cm. I'm really confused honestly how a radiologist missed noting that tumor on the last three scans, and how two oncologists and the radiologist performing the radiation also missed seeing it. At least Dr. Agulnik found it when he was looking at my scan. The pain has been annoying and frustrating, especially in my shoulder. Had they seen that tumor, I could have had radiation on it along with the other tumor and I would have been out of pain. These are the frustrating moments in the cancer journey. Even the experts miss things. You can imagine my surprise when the doctor told me about the mystery tumor but at least now I can head back in soon and start radiation on that tumor.  I'm also going to find out if they can radiate one of the lung tumors that also doubled in size. I also have two tumors near my heart that grew slightly but they are in a risky spot to radiate. Of course, I'm bummed to find out that numerous nodules/tumors grew. Some grew slightly and a few almost doubled in size. Now it's time for radiation and a new study. I have a second opinion scheduled with Dr. Singh this Wednesday and I'm reaching out to the radiation Doctor tomorrow to get an appointment. Dr. Agulnik at the City of Hope is meeting with the tumor board to see if he can get me a spot in a study that is closed and to see if I qualify for another study they have. It sure was nice to have calm in my life for several months but the winds have picked up and it's time to head back into braving the high seas. I want it to be known that I am not fighting cancer, I'm fighting to live. If and when my body says enough, I trust that God was a part of me living and surviving just as God will be the one who says it's time to come home. I told my kids that I do not want it said after I pass away that I "lost the fight" because I did not lose. First, it's not lost on me that I am already a walking, living miracle. I have lived valiantly for 5.4 years with cancer and I had it for two years prior to my diagnosis. I have lived with over 50 nodules in my lungs for over 4 years and I have not seen one person in my Synovial Sarcoma group that has had that many tumors. I have watched many cancer warriors pass away in a lot less time with only a few tumors. I don't know why God has kept me going but I'm grateful for every moment I have here. I do everything to help God by taking great care of myself and valuing every moment I have. I never take anything for granted. Second, I won't lose when I leave this earth because my soul will live on. I will visit my loved ones from beyond, probably as a butterfly since I love how butterflies represent transformation! I'm not going anywhere soon though, since I still have a lot of life left in me and I think God has work for me to do. 

Much love and gratitude! Blessings.....

Denise 

Living Well

People would define living well very differently. In our American society, living well often equates to eating well. Eating well however does not mean eating healthy, in fact just the opposite. I don't think I realized how dysfunctional our society is with its relationship to food until I went vegan over a year ago. I had given up meat a decade earlier but still ate fish and diary until I gave that up as well. I have noticed that people will cling to their unhealthy diets no matter how much the food is making them sick, people will make excuses about their dietary choices and people think being vegan is a preference versus a lifestyle. So many times, friends or family have tried to get my kids and I to just eat meat occasionally because why not. I never had so many people care about what I ate until I went vegan. Somehow, going plant based seems to trigger people who are feeling a bit guilty about their culinary choices and misery loves company. 

Let me start with the fact that I have never felt better with my dietary choices. Turns out, being vegan fits with me perfectly. I love the variety of foods I eat as a vegan, enjoy finding new vegan restaurants when we travel, and I love how I feel physically being plant based. I never have a heavy feeling or heartburn and I eat lots of fiber. Of course, the plant based diet helped me even more because I am immunocompromised. My cancer treatments have been pretty taxing but if you look at me, other than a bald head, you'd be shocked I have a cancer diagnosis. I look healthy and I bounce back from treatments more easily. I remember when I was first diagnosed with cancer, when I was in shock and not quite ready to give up the fish and dairy, plus it didn't help that everyone wanted me to eat meat more than ever back then because of misinformation that I could use the protein. I get plenty of protein on a plant based diet but back then, I did not know enough to help me navigate the plant based terrain. 

My daughter and I cook together now, comb through vegan cookbooks and love going on field trips to vegan restaurants to see what their take on a vegan burger is and to enjoy new environments. There are also some yummy fast-food plant based places where we can still get delicious yet healthier versions of mac-n-cheese, pancakes, onion rings, etc. We splurge on that occasionally. I know changing dietary choices is a big change so I've come up with some suggestions to get motivated to increase plant-based foods into your diet and to start changing bad habits into healthier ones. The good news is, each change brings more awareness and empowerment that you are what you eat, literally. 

Let's get started:

1. Change out your margarine and butter for plant based versions. Trust me, butter and plant based butter taste the same, so this is a no brainer. I bake with plant based butter, saute, and use it just like I would regular butter. We like the Oatmilk butter, cashew butter and Earth Balance margarine but we like most of the options. 

2. It's also easy to swap out dairy milk for an alternative. There are now so many alternatives, you can find the one that tastes the best to you. I love most alternative milks but my favorite is oat milk because its texture is most like dairy milk and it tastes great in recipes. I use oat milk in coffee and for all recipes that call for milk. By the way, cashew milk ice cream is amazing. We love So Delicious Salted Caramel chocolate dipped bars. 

3. Eggs seem to be called for in most recipes but I've learned that nothing actually needs an egg. Every recipe we've found has an egg replacement alternative. I use "Just Egg" which is an egg replacement for cookie recipes and to make great scrambles. I also have a great French toast recipe I created using "Just Egg." I usually use one and a half tablespoon of Just Egg as a replacement for an egg in a recipe. You can also look up creative ways to replace eggs but Just Egg works well for me. You can also purchase folded Just Egg in the freezer section which makes great egg-n-vegan cheese breakfast sandwiches. I'll include that recipe at the end of this post as well. 

4. Eat 100% plant based once a week to start. Call it Vegan Monday or Plant Based Tuesday, or Meatless Wednesday, but try giving up all animal products one day a week. This is a great way to help you try recipes or foods that are new and shows you how easy it is to focus on plants instead of meat. 

5. Get a physical and get your baseline bloodwork done so that as time goes on you can compare. This also might motivate you if your weight is too high or if you are borderline with health issues. Denial is easy to ignore until you have facts that show you on a report that your cholesterol is too high. People seem to ignore the scale too easily. 

6. Watch inspiring documentary's on healthy eating to inform and motivate you. Some of my favorites: Kiss The Ground, Game Changers, What the Health, Seaspiracy, and Forks Over Knives." Read books like, "How Not To Die," and "How Not To Diet," by Dr. Gregor. Join Facebook plant based groups or watch Tik Tok videos about the benefits of a plant based diet. Find vegan restaurants in your area and try them out. It's easier eating vegan when there are no meat or dairy options on a menu taunting you to go back to your old habits. Besides, you'll find out how yummy plant based food can be. 

7. Give it time. Your taste buds are use to over processed, fatty, high calorie, animal products....vegan foods will taste different at first but once you've been eating plant based long enough, your taste buds change. I thought plant based cheeses tasted just okay at first but now I love them. Be patient and commit yourself to taking more control of your nutritional health. It's easier to eat vegan these days and every day more restaurants are offering plant based options so now is a great time to increase your plant based options in your diet. 

Recipes: By Denise and Taylor Burke 

Peanut Butter Cookies

½ cup of  raw (organic, unrefined, or raw) brown sugar

¼ cup raw (organic, unrefined, or raw) sugar

1 stick plant-based butter (½ cup) 

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

1 ½ tablespoon Just Egg 

1 cup coarse (stone-ground) whole wheat flour (adjust as needed)

½ teaspoon baking soda

Pinch of salt

½ cup of peanut butter 

¼ cup vegan dark chocolate chips (optional) 

**Another variation, add ½ cup Oats to the flour mixture. 

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix butter and sugars together until creamy. Add Just Egg and vanilla extract and mix well. Add the peanut butter and mix. Stir in flour, baking soda, and salt and mix until all flour is absorbed into the mixture. Bake one cookie for 7 min on a cookie sheet with parchment paper or an ungreased cookie sheet. Baking one cookie is a great way to make sure there is enough flour in the batter. Every oven and altitude can affect how much flour is needed. Add more flour if the cookie comes out too flat. Bake cookies for 7 minutes and when you take the cookie sheet out, allow them to sit out for 2-3 minutes on the cookie sheet before putting them on wax paper or a cooling rack. This allows them to cook a bit longer yet remain soft.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

 ½ cup of  raw (organic, unrefined, or raw) brown sugar

¼ cup raw (organic, unrefined, or raw) sugar

1 stick plant-based butter (½ cup) 

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

1 ½ tablespoon Just Egg 

1 1/2 cup whole wheat flour (adjust as needed)

½ teaspoon baking soda

Pinch of salt

¼ cup vegan dark chocolate chips 

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix butter and sugars together until creamy. Add Just Egg and vanilla extract and mix well. Stir in flour, baking soda, and salt and mix until all flour is absorbed into the mixture. Add chocolate chips once the flour mixture is stirred in completely. Bake one cookie for 7 min on a cookie sheet with parchment paper or an ungreased cookie sheet. Baking one cookie is a great way to make sure there is enough flour in the batter. Every oven and altitude can affect how much flour is needed. Add more flour if the cookie comes out too flat. Bake cookies for 7 minutes and when you take the cookie sheet out, allow them to sit out for 2-3 minutes on the cookie sheet before putting them on wax paper or a cooling rack. This allows them to cook a bit longer yet remain soft. 

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

 ½ cup of  raw (organic, unrefined, or raw) brown sugar

¼ cup raw (organic, unrefined, or raw) sugar

1 stick plant-based butter (½ cup) 

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

1 ½ tablespoon Just Egg 

         1 cup oats

1 cup whole wheat flour (adjust as needed)

½ teaspoon baking soda

Pinch of salt

¼ cup raisins 

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix butter and sugars together until creamy. Add Just Egg and vanilla extract and mix well. Stir in flour, baking soda, and salt and mix until all flour is absorbed into the mixture. Add chocolate chips once the flour mixture is stirred in completely. Bake one cookie for 7 min on a cookie sheet with parchment paper or an ungreased cookie sheet. Baking one cookie is a great way to make sure there is enough flour in the batter. Every oven and altitude can affect how much flour is needed. Add more flour if the cookie comes out too flat. Bake cookies for 7 minutes and when you take the cookie sheet out, allow them to sit out for 2-3 minutes on the cookie sheet before putting them on wax paper or a cooling rack. This allows them to cook a bit longer yet remain soft. 

            French Toast

Loaf of vegan Challah bread or any vegan bread

1 container "Just Egg"

½ Cup Califa Farms Oat Creamer Cinnamon Roll 

¼ teaspoon maple extract or maple syrup 

½ - 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

3 tablespoons of vegan butter 

Slice the bread and set it aside. Mix ingredients except for the butter. Use the butter to grease the frying pan. On medium heat, dip the bread pieces in the batter and cook evenly on both sides. Serve with vegan butter and maple syrup.

Sausage, Just Egg-n-cheese Breakfast Sandwich

two slices of sourdough bread (or any vegan bread you like) 

1 Ozo brand sausage patty (or your preferred brand)

1 frozen folded Just Egg 

1 piece of So Delicious brand American cheese

1 tablespoon Follow Your Heart brand Garlic Aoili Veganaise 

India Black Kala Namak salt 

*Follow Your Heart Brand American cheese work well too

In a frying pan, spray the pan with olive oil and cook the sausage patty, and folded Just Egg on medium heat. Cook for 2 ½ minutes on each side. Put the American cheese on the egg once it has cooked for 5 minutes total until melted. (Sprinkle the India black salt on the just egg when you place it in the bread) Toast the two pieces of sourdough. Put the garlic aioli on the bread along with the Just Egg,

Evolve

 I have been observing a lot of changes going on all around me. The world is shifting, people are waking up or doubling down to protect or cling to their dysfunction. Change is in the air and for some, this has been a much-needed shift, like a breath of fresh air. Many others are in fear, overwhelmed, scared and angry because they have issues in themselves they have not faced. The ones in fear often blame or participate in the divisiveness in our country. The upside is people often freak out before they let go and allow themselves to grow in healthy ways. Some will go down fighting, like clinging to the Titanic as it goes down rather than getting into the life raft. It's all about choice. We create our lives by how we perceive things. I've really seen this clearly over the past year. There are folks that have resources, they live comfortably, they want for nothing and yet they participate in anger and hatred referring to politics and act as if our country is fractured. People are fractured, our country is going to adjust and rebalance but it's people that need to heal and grow. We need to be the change we seek in this world and it starts with us. Yelling at the tv, blaming one party or the other, and hating each other is old energy and keeps people stuck in fear and in the past. It's time for us to shake off the old paradigms and embrace stepping into a new universe. If each one of us chose each day to emulate and be a role model of the behaviors we want to see in others and in our politicians and leaders, then we literally are shifting the world around us. We can change our world since each of us affects all of those we touch both in our personal lives and whomever we interact with in any capacity. Yes, we instigate change both when we are kind and when we are feisty. Speaking up is healthy when it's done in a respectful way to promote communication and awareness. However, most people want to be heard and they just aren't listening. You have to be able to tune in to those around us to promote growth versus dictating, yelling, berating, and judging others. Observe where you are at, don't judge it. Are you happy, adjusted, and grateful? Are you angry, anxious, agitated, or edgy? Do you cycle between some or all of those? Just observe, then you can start to look at what is underlying how you are feeling and start to say the affirmation, "I choose to be the highest and best version of myself every day." This prayer or affirmation helps jog the psyche into releasing and becoming more aware of those old, outdated beliefs that are holding you back from being the best version of yourself. You might find a lot of emotion, sadness, anger, and fears bubble out. Observe and move through it. I'm shocked at what comes out of me when I'm detoxing old stuff, but heck, it's mine to release and it's a lot more work to live with buried pain than it is to feel it and detox it. Like any detox, it's a painful process at times but it's also liberating and opens you up to incredible emotional and personal growth. Look at your life, the quality of your relationships, your overall perspective of life (are you in gratitude, or do you complain every day) and realize that you are the change the world needs. Each one of us has incredible power to affect this world positively as well as negatively. Before you throw stones at all of those people letting you down, take a hard and honest look at yourself and how others might perceive your behavior. Introspection helps us become more understanding about other people's shortcomings since once you look honestly at your own blind spots, we tend to be more understanding about other people's pain. Make no mistake, people act in ways that reflect their pain and their joy. Some emanate more pain and anger, others act sweet yet are passive-aggressive and do not know themselves while others bring pure happiness wherever they go. We are all a work in progress, so wherever you are in your growth cycle is okay, just allow yourself to evolve and to shift into the highest and best version of yourself. Namaste.

Thanksgiving Bliss

 Expectations lead to misery, while hope allows for possibilities. I have realized that I use to lead my life with too many expectations. I would plan Thanksgiving with a list of expectations that I didn't even fully realize I had. I look back to the many Thanksgiving where I was miserable because I either felt like I had dropped the ball, like when my kids were young and I was working and I didn't get to the store to buy things to cook, and my now ex-husband did not get to the store either. Of course, the difference was he could care less about what we ate on Thanksgiving as long as he wasn't cooking it, so he was free from pressure while I felt like a bad wife and mother. That Thanksgiving we went out to eat at a local burger joint and the kids were thrilled. Yet, I harshly judged myself as having not met some sort of expectation I had running in the background. Fast forward to many holidays when I did get all of the food, invited family, and yet it still felt stressful and as if it didn't meet an expectation. What was the expectation? Perfection? family getting along? Norman Rockwell version of a holiday? I don't know but this year, I realized that I have evolved past expectations and it's darn freeing. This Thanksgiving, thanks to the pandemic, we kept it simple and devoid of expectations. I ordered a pre-cooked meal from Sprouts, bought a few things to make from scratch, bought pies at Marie Calendars (I expected those to be delicious, lol), and the kids and I approached the holiday from a new perspective. My daughter and I enjoyed making latte's and playing backgammon on Thanksgiving morning, we walked, I took a hot bath, the boys slept in and played X-Box, and my daughter played the piano (her happy place). We warmed up the meal as it got dark, we sat down together with the fire blazing in the fireplace behind us and we were happy. That's when it struck me, that all of the years that I had run around trying to please everyone, attempting to fit into a version of Thanksgiving I had created had put a lot of pressure on myself and my family. I wasn't living in the moment. This Thanksgiving, I was in the flow....absolutely being in the moment, enjoying what each moment offered. I wasn't stressed, we all did things we wanted and then came together for a meal dressed casually, just being ourselves. No pressure, no expectations, no pleasing others, just a simple and enjoyable day. At the end of the day, while sitting in the front of the fire reading, I finally understood what bliss feels like. It wasn't a state of trying to feel something, it was just being in the flow, appreciating each moment and allowing each moment to be what it is without judgement or pressure to be something else. Now, I will approach Christmas with the same hope...to allow it to unfold naturally. I will purchase a pre-cooked meal again, buy delicious pies the day before and make the few dishes I enjoy cooking, and I look forward to a day in which we all get what we want, a relaxing day without me projecting a list of "should be's." If the lock-down and pandemic can teach us anything, it's that we all needed to slow down and take stock about what is truly important. 

The Wild West of Cancer Treatments

       I am about to start a new research study this week. It is the wild west of treatment options and I have no idea what to expect. I'm more hopeful than nervous, yet some nervousness is to be expected. I'm embarking on a path that doctors do not know what to expect. The company that designed the drug is surely hoping that the drug will do what they designed it to do without causing too much harm to the patient. We are all hoping for miracles through science. Unlike chemotherapy, where we all know what to expect generally, like throwing a  nuclear bomb at cancer, it also throws toxins at every organ, cell, and muscle in the body, causing too many side effects to list. Of course, along with the hopes that chemo will halt or kill cancer in its tracks, it also decimates the immune system, sometimes causing long term organ damage to the heart, lungs, and kidneys, as well as subtle side effects like lowered white blood counts for years and chemo brain (where we swear we have long term memory issues resulting from the chemo). Chemotherapy has its place, since it, along with surgery and radiation have been the main treatment protocols for cancer patients. The protocols and options have been expanding and now there is less harmful chemotherapy (some are maintenance chemotherapies), plus a whole host of immunotherapy and research studies working on a T-cell response. It's actually an exciting time in cancer research and I am lucky to have the options I have since 5 years ago, the options and study's we have today just did not exist. I cannot wait to be one of the pioneers in research. The researchers are hard at work trying to come up with better, less harmful ways to treat and hopefully cure cancer but their research is no good unless they have people willing to join the effort and be the test subjects. I look at it this way, I have stage 4 cancer that is considered incurable. I was in one research study for a year and a half, and at that time, the drug I was taking slowed the growth of my tumors. I had a chance to take a drug that is not yet FDA approved, and I was one of the subjects that it worked for. It didn't cure my cancer but it slowed it down further, seemed to prevent new tumors from forming and I gave lots of data in my daily journal to help them understand how this drug affected me. I have no doubt that the drug I was taking will be FDA approved in the near future. Now I head into a riskier study. This is a phase one study, while the last study I was in was a phase three study. This study will require infusions weekly at first and 2-3 days of tests and observations weekly. I say, bring it on! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I can lose big or I can gain big. The biggest risk is severe side effects, which is always a risk with any study. The risks seem relatively low, however, compared to other treatments, but still, one never knows what to expect with a new treatment, especially one with little data on human subjects. I've researched the company that is leading this study and their science is exciting, to say the least. If they can prompt the immune system to do its job to kill cancer, with lower side effects than current protocols, people can be cured of cancer or at least live longer lives with fewer side effects. I can't wait to report to everyone how this treatment affects me and I am hopeful that the molecules they inject into me, do precisely what they have been designed to do. The most concerning side effects seem to be lowered blood pressure and an extreme immune system response that can be a crisis, which is why they will be observing me for over 24 hours for the first couple of infusions. Here I go....starting Tuesday Morning, I will get my first infusion as I arrive bright and early at the clinic at 6am. Wish me luck, send prayers and I'll keep you all posted! 

Joshua Tree

https://youtu.be/YG_UaewFQCg

Stay Focused

Link to Stay Focused