Gratitude

I have a 36 year old family member struggling with aggressive cancer. What a difficult lesson cancer is for the individual and for everyone touched by it...,the family, friends, caregivers, children and spouses. I read a statistic that approximately one in three individuals will get some form of cancer in their lifetimes. That is an astounding statistic. I interned at an oncology unit of a hospital when I was in grad school. I witnessed young 20's on up with various forms of cancer. Most days I would go home in tears, overwhelmed by the daily pain I was witnessing. Cancer is a lesson for us all. The lesson......gratitude for each and every day that we have. Most people are so busy and consumed by the stresses and business of their daily lives that they forget to take a moment and just appreciate the day. Each day is truly a gift each one of us has and we should not take that for granted. Just ask someone living with cancer and they will surely tell you that cancer has taught them to appreciate life! You have no idea what an amazing gift life is until you feel it slipping away, day by day. "If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change (Buddha)." Life is a miracle and each day is precious. The other things I observed interning at the hospital was loneliness, poverty, fear, sadness, mental illness and a lot of loss. Many people are struggling with very difficult lessons. Some have no contact with family and feel all alone. I witnessed individuals in poverty without enough bus money to get home. Some souls do not even have enough food to eat and many children are lacking in guidance, supervision, love and basic needs. Again, with all of that said, the lesson we can learn from our own struggles as well as others, gratitude. The other lesson of illness, disease and loss is awakening. When the individual suffering and those affected wake up to the opportunity to embrace life, they are forever changed. We have all heard stories of people disgnosed with cancer and they completely change their lives. I have watched people completely transform, enjoying a day with their kids or suddenly noticing a beautiful garden they've passed a million times. The arguments and stresses of life seem petty and time with loved one's more valuable than money. The lessons just continue until the day you leave this life so be in the moment, be grateful and embrace all that life has to offer. "Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it (Buddha)."

Things Happen For a Reason

Reflecting back over my life, I can see the synchronicity of occurrences that brought me to where I am today. Things always happen for a reason even if we are unaware at the time what that reason is. Eventually, we can figure it out. Have you ever had something happen that seemed like a crisis at the time, yet it pointed you in a completely different direction and you end up grateful that the changes occured? I see it all of the time with my clients. They come to therapy because of a crisis, like a job loss or a break up. Eventually though, they end up on another path which has opened up new and exciting possibilities for them. I have also witnessed people fight the tide of change and make the transition difficult and overwhelming. The more you fight the changes that are meant to happen, the more you feel misery. The journey can be easy if you let it. Life is only as easy or difficult as you perceive it to be. I counseled a couple that were clearly in crisis. The husband was in crisis because his perception was that the possible break up was sudden and out of the blue. The wife was in crisis because she had been telling her husband for years that the marriage was not going well, but he refused to listen. Same crisis, different perspectives. People tune out what they don't want to hear until the changes are absolutely forced on them. Those changes will happen regardless of whether you bury your head in the sand. The decision becomes, are you going to make it easier on yourself or difficult? Your choice. Changes need to happen in life, otherwise people begin deceiving themselves or numbing out. If you trust the process of life, trust your heart and do things with loving intentions, then even the biggest changes can hurt less, harm less and not cause such a huge crisis. People create the crisis because they fear and fight change. Crisis is the catalyst that opens your eyes, wakes you up to what you may have been dismissing or ignoring and moves you in a different direction. Sometimes that is needed! If people listened to their intuition and hearts earlier however, changes could have been made without such a mess involved. When ironic situations or serendipitous events occur, those situations are the universe's way of making sure you are paying attention! You run into people from the past or family and old friends contacting you out of the blue, happen for a reason. Often, healing needs to occur or more lessons between the individuals are needed. I ran into someone from high school seemingly by accident. I ended up being invited at the last second to a party and wham, the universe threw us together. I had remembered that she was not so nice to me all those years ago and as it turned out, she had the same view of me. At that moment we had an opportunity to see each other and ourselves in a new light and to heal the past. We chose forgiveness and it turned out to be a wonderful "chance" occurrence. Everything happens for a reason, but it is your decision whether you heal, forgive, apologize and embrace the moment. Free will is always involved but the opportunity is presented nonetheless. "I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act (Buddha)." Trust the process of life, allow changes to flow more easily and call on your faith and your heart to lead the way when you are unsure.

The Gift of a Smile

I had an interesting day today observing people that I was interacting with. As I have noted in a previous article, many couples do not seem happy, but overall a lot of people in general look pretty miserable. In the morning, I was greeted with a smile at Starbucks. The staff at this particular location are so friendly that you just want to stay and bask in their friendliness. They smile and remember your order. It is a great way to start the day! The rest of the day went downhill from there. At the elementary school, the secretary looks like she has a permanent scowl on her face and I often wonder if being unfriendly is listed as part of her job requirement. Off to my son's preschool where some of the teacher's appear to love their jobs, but others look less than enthused to be there. One preschool teacher actually said to a four year old, "I am the boss of you." Hmmm, which one is the four year old? At the bank, one teller had a smile, the rest look grumpy and angry to be there, probably secretly wishing they could just take the money and run. At lunch, several employees smile and one semi-negative cashier. I went for a hike in the afternoon and not surprisingly, everyone on the trail smiled and said hello. See, hikes are good for the soul! Watching people drive, some were aggressive drivers, most looked grumpy, some just blatantly would not let other's into the lanes. I did have one nice driver at a four way stop wave me to go first. Back at the pool daycare and wow, the two ladies in charge of watching the kids looked absolutely miserable. No smiles or greetings from them at all and the kids said they were mean. I won't be leaving my kids with them again! The lifeguard at the pool was just nasty to the kids. Back to Starbucks for a dose of friendly. Then off to a meeting with three other parent's to plan meetings for a large group of seven year old girls that I am the leader of. That just topped off my day of unfriendly, when they tried to veto music and dancing at the meetings, stating it riles the girls up too much and it is not a serious activity. It is serious.....seriously fun for the girls which seems to be a problem. The girls just love their five or so minutes of dancing, so I fought to keep the fun alive! I appreciate all of the friendly souls I crossed paths with today and I hope they noticed the smile I sent their way too. As for the miserable souls, I gave them a smile too, but they didn't seem to notice. Buddha said, "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." Mother Teresa said, "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." Dalai Lama said, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." On that note, we all have a choice each and every day. Are we going to spread the joy or participate in the misery? What a simple action to say hello with a smile and choose happiness. If more of us choose the higher road, then hopefully, eventually, we can out number the one's who look unhappy. In the meantime, I will keep trying, one smile at a time.

Lunch With Friends

Today I had lunch with my girlfriends. It is so interesting to observe the many changes in us and our lives over the past 13 years. We met in grad school prior to marriages, kids, and mortgages. Now, instead of chatting about movies and restaurants, we are talking about our spouses, parenting and school systems. Many years ago, we might have judged a mom who would have given her child crackers in church to keep him quiet, now we completely understand. We all agree that we have learned more about ourselves from parenthood. We have all done a lot of self help, yet our children have illuminated more about who we are than any amount of therapy ever could. Parenthood is an amazing journey. As with any journey it is filled with ups and downs, moments of bliss and times of frustration and exhaustion. Children will reflect back to you your fears and doubts, your vulnerabilities and style of communication. Children are born with their own unique temperament but are also heavily influenced by the tone of their environment. I often observe babies and toddlers with their parents and the children usually reflect a similar disposition as one of the parents. Friendly child, friendly parent. Grumpy child, grumpy parent. Shy child, shy parent. Parents often get frustrated when they see personality traits in their children they try to deny or reject in themselves. The challenge is to not judge the child, but reflect on where those traits come from in you. Parenthood forces you to really look at who you are. Children do not become anxious or sad out of the blue. What has been going on in their environments and lives that needs some reflection. One mom I counseled was extremely anxious, but hoped she hid it well from her children. Well no such luck, the children started displaying some fears and worries because no matter how much you try to hide things, children can still feel it. The parent-child relationship can really only be as healthy as the parent. Parent's are teachers and the guides. Whatever the parent has not dealt with will surely show up in the child one way or another. In fact, all adults have an opportunity to be positive role models and guides to children as aunts, uncles, babysitters, friends, grandparents and teachers. The lesson, if you are around children, observe yourself more carefully and commit to helping yourself grow. Every step you make in insight and awareness eventually gets passed onto the children. Often adults sometimes over correct a situation by doing the exact opposite as their parents. The problem may still surface though, even if it looks a bit different. The underlying issues still need to be addressed in the adult. So, my girlfriends and I talked for hours about the demands and joys of parenthood and all of us agreed that we welcome the challenge because the joys far out way the difficulties. "Joy is a net of love by which you catch souls (Mother Teresa)." As with parenting, the pot of gold is nurturing a soul with love, guidance and inspiration. There is nothing more rewarding than that!

Calm in the Chaos

I was at Chuck-E-Cheese's tonight with my kids. I received one posting from a friend on Facebook about how she would rather "slowly pull off her toenails one by one" than be at Chuck-E-Cheese's. Okay, I understand completely. Chuck-E-Cheese's for those of you who may have never been in one is a pizza place chock full of hundreds of arcade games and kiddie rides. Those kid arcade restaraunts can be noisy, crowded, sticky, crazy places on a Saturday night. However the lesson for me today, that you can have a zen moment in the midst of chaos. As quoted by Buddha, "Peace comes from within, do not seek it without." As I sat in the chaos, I decided to really be in the moment and observe what was going on around me. I saw kids laughing everywhere, parents playing with their children, a child gave another child a token who didn't have one, birthday parties, and kids who were strangers to each other taking turns and interacting. My daughter was skipping on her way to a game, she looked so happy. A very sweet couple with their child caught my eye. This couple really struck me because they were so clearly genuinely in love. The way they looked at each other adoringly was surprising. They actually looked happy together! They could hardly keep their hands off of each other. Nothing crazy, just hugs, caresses and kisses as well as kisses to their child. It was heartwarming to watch. So in the middle of chaos, I found myself at peace, observing some of life's joyful moments. In those chaotic moments we all have a choice on how we perceive it. If I had sat in Chuck-E-Cheese's only noticing the noise and cries, the crowds and the runny nosed kids, I would have walked away stressed and vowing to never return. Instead, I walked away with a smile, thinking about that loving couple and all of the kids that got to play with their parents tonight. We cannot always get to peaceful environments, so the journey is to practice bringing the serenity of nature within. Everyday we are all confronted with different types of chaos like traffic, malls, movie theatres, restaurants, sporting events, office buildings, deadlines, getting the kids to school and a lot more. With practice and attention, our awareness can be shifted to focus on the good, the joy and to calm the mind. Even shifting one's perception to focus on what you can control versus what you cannot can make a difference. We cannot make traffic go any faster, but we can control how we handle it! Some people can even be in the most peaceful environments and still bring chaos with them. The next time you are in the midst of your own chaos, remember that it is all a matter of perspective, so even with a minor adjustment in how you see it, you too can enjoy some calm when you least expect it.

Follow Your Heart

I watched a witty movie last night called, The Art of Lying. This movie sums up some of the things I have been saying in my articles, that people are not living their lives the way they really want to. The movie says a lot about our society, that people are disguising their pain and that there is an undercurrent of judgement and pressure to be what others want you to be. I love the saying, follow your heart. Everyone has heard that saying, but very few are actually listening to their hearts. We are in a fear driven society. Why would people think for themselves when the messages from the media, religions, family and friends are of fear, worry and doubt. Just watch the news for one hour and you'll be downloaded with all sorts of fear based information! Why aren't more people really listening to their hearts. When you reflect on your life, you can identify those moments when you listened to your heart. As a child, you naturally let your heart lead the way. You knew what toy you really wanted and nobody could talk you out of it. You knew as a child the activities you loved and the ones you hated. Children are so pure and raw about that. If a child does not like ballet, they'll scream, "I hate it, I don't want to go!" Children also know which friends make them feel good and the one's that don't. They will say, "I don't like him, he's not nice to me." But, adults day by day, condition kids to stop listening to their hearts. They tell them, "I paid good money for those lessons, you'll like it if I tell you to." A child who loves music will beg to play an instrument and a parent will say, "you can play the trumpet, because that's what I played" or "I never took music classes and I turned out just fine." Adults will dissuade kids from what they really like, "you don't really like that do you?" Regarding friends, adults will heavily influence children to play with who they deem acceptable. Parents dress kids like display mannequins, trying to live up to an image. Adults are constantly steering kids away from who they really are. No wonder that by the time we all reach adulthood, we don't even know who we are or what we really like anymore. If we do happen to know what we like, we've been so conditioned by fear and doubt, that the moment you decide to take a risk and follow you heart, your internal voice screams, "that's crazy, it won't work, or why would you do that?" Get to the heart of the matter, so to speak. Remember who you really are underneath the image, the facade and the show. Who do you really love being around, what are your passions and honor your gut feelings. Listen to your heart because it always knows the way. If you live and love fearlessly, you'll never regret it!

Time Can't Erase Love

Listening to a song tonight about the importance of love, I couldn't help but think about loved one's we have lost. Everyone has had losses in their life. My grandfather, Grandpa Bunny we called him, died of cancer when I was 18 years old. Even though it has been many years since he left this life, I often think about him and can still feel the love he had for me. We always carry the love we have for other's and they for us, in our hearts. It never dies and time can never erase it. I have counseled many individuals through difficult losses of their loved ones. After the dust settles and they have learned to cope with the loss, you can always see in their eyes the love they carry for them. Loss is a huge lesson in life. Dealing with loss is about the living. The one's we have lost leave a hole in our lives and it can take some time to adjust to their departure. Some have a very difficult time with loss and struggle with moving on. Holding on can cause such pain and heartache for the bereaved. The lesson, trusting life and loss. Holding onto the pain, keeps you in limbo. Letting go does not mean forgetting. One woman I counseled who lost her mother, worried that if she did not continually suffer from pain, she would be forgetting her. Some feel guilty when they begin to move on and feel less pain. People often hold onto pain by not dealing with it at all. All too often I come across those who refuse to talk about the loss and completely shut down their emotions. They are holding on too. The loved one's lost would not want people to suffer endlessly from their departure. Honoring the pain within is important, holding onto the pain endlessly is futile. People often have a difficult time with the concept of letting go. Letting go is the process of healing, but letting go is really about moving on, carrying them with you in your heart as you move forward with your life. Living your life is truly honoring them. Acknowledging the stages of emotions around a loss and paying tribute to the life of a loved one can be an important part of healing. Running in 5K's in their honor, dedicating park benches, participating in a bereavement group, tree lighting ceremonies and such can really help individuals process the pain. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. The wounds may heal, but we never forget. Each life leaves such a unique imprint on the people they touched and for that, they are always with us. I send out a special blessing to all of the loved one's we have lost. May they be our guiding light and forever shine in our hearts and souls.