Backyard Camp Out

Last night I was feeling adventurous, so the kids and I decided to camp outside in our backyard fort. It was 40 degrees, but what the heck. Armed with our new sleeping bags, pillows, and flashlights, we headed out to the fort. We all got cozy and told ghost stories. I think I may have gotten a little carried away with my ghost story about a bobcat and mummies. The kids have been worried about the rumor of a bobcat roaming the woods around our house. Hey, we have wild turkeys, rabbits, deer, skunk, foxes, possums, and squirrels.....so why not a bobcat. My story had the bobcat protecting our fort and keeping the mummies at bay. Nothing too violent or gory, just enough to get the wide eyes and a slight scream when I grabbed their arms. It was all in good fun. It started to pour around midnight, so we got to test the dryness of the fort. The fort leaked alright, but luckily we stayed warm and dry with our waterproof sleeping bags. The best part of the night, snuggling up with my kids. Absolutely priceless. They are only young once, so while they actually still want to cuddle, I will not miss out on the opportunity. So many parents miss out on golden opportunities to have fun spending time with their children. I watch time and time again, parents in a variety of situations, not engaging with their kids. Parents will bask in the sun while their kids are swimming in the pool or building sand castles at the beach. Parents will be on their cell phones, while their children are playing at the park or they refuse to participate in board games or cards with their kids. Too many adults have forgotten what it is like to play and take adulthood way too seriously. The Webster's dictionary describes play to: engage in recreation, frolic and to handle and behave lightly or absentmindedly. Whether you have kids or not, being playful and spontaneous is so important to counter balance all of the responsibilities of being a grown up. Every day should be amusing and joyful in some way. Life is only as heavy and stressful as you make it! "A wise man, recognizing that the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it is real, so he escapes the suffering (Buddha)." Kids live each day in the present moment and if you allow them to, they will always find time to play and enjoy themselves. Last night at dinner, when we were at a Hibachi restaurant, I finally noticed some adults having fun. Unfortunately, it was the adults with Scorpion bowls or numerous drinks whom had smiles on their faces! No surprise there. The lesson......take life and yourself a little less seriously. Get out and play more each and every day, without needing a Scorpion bowl to do it! If your kids ask for a backyard camp out, dig out the sleeping bags and make it happen. Our daily purpose and goal should be to find happiness in all the things that we do. We are off to have more good times together to see the movie, "Where The Wild Things Are." Having fun with my kids always makes me happy. What makes you happy?

Let It Fade

Leaving one chapter of your life behind to head into the unknown can be exciting and scary. After years of counseling individuals through many life changes, no matter how difficult or challenging those changes seem to be, they always reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Understandably, divorce seems to be one of the most challenging life changes for people. I had one man come to his first counseling session requesting help to stop the numerous affairs he was having and said, "just so you know however, I am NOT getting a divorce!" Remember, that which you resist most is your biggest lesson. After years of counseling and a lot of soul searching he finally faced how terrible his marriage really was and is now divorced. When it comes to divorce, there are so many issues to face. As the case with the client I just mentioned, his fear was his family's disapproval of divorce. Coming from a Catholic upbringing and parents who seemed stuck in their own marriage, divorce was strictly forbidden in his family system. He had married his spouse to please his parents, but had not married someone whom he really loved. His journey was to follow his heart, face his fears and head into the unknown. His light at the end of the tunnel is that he is now settled, more independent, dating and living a more authentic life. Another client was forced into a divorce when her husband left quite suddenly. Her life was thrown into chaos and confusion as she suddenly had to face the loss of her marriage, mourn the future she thought she'd have and finally adjust to a new life as a single mother. The irony, she's happier, stronger and better off without him and can see now that he had not been a supportive partner during the years they were married. I grew up with divorces all around me. I thought divorce was normal and considered a couple staying together as an anomaly. Everybody has their own perspective and expectations of relationships, marriage and divorce based on their upbringing, culture, religion and society. As a therapist, I understand all too well the complexities of relationships. What works for one couple, may not work for another. Relationships are unique and filled with numerous lessons, both in staying together and in parting ways. No matter what, when couples get to a point when one or both partners decide to separate, their old life has to fade away. That is why a divorce may feel like a death, filled with all of the feelings that come with a loss. Many people express confusion about feeling sad about their divorces, even though they were the ones who wanted to end their marriages. It is still the loss of your old life, no matter who requested the divorce. The partners that will not face their feelings or let their old lives fade are the ones disabled by fear. One 40 year old client, when faced with a divorce said he would sleep in the spare bedroom and seemed fine with allowing their marriage to stay that way into old age. Talk about avoidance and fear!! Those are the partners in denial, the ones who would have pushed the problems underground and stayed married no matter how awful things were and the ones who end up bitter, disgruntled and stay angry many, many years after the divorce. Why do people hold onto anger so many years after a divorce? It reflects the individuals need to blame, rather than take responsibility for one's own life. The other difficult issue with divorces are the children. Do not think for a moment that the children are not affected by bad marriages! The denial about this issue is enormous. Couples will often rationalize, that it is always best for the kids to see the parent's stay married. Not always. Children feel everything that is occurring in the environment and if a couple is miserable, bitter and there is tension, they can feel it. Is it healthy for children to observe obligatory marriages and to grow up with unhappy parents? What does that teach children? Children should see happy couples, which will teach them to seek happy unions when they grow up. Otherwise, another generation believes that settling is the norm for a marriage. I have also counseled some marriages that had a really good foundation, but just needed some increased communication to get back on track. All marriages and relationships go through growing pains. The key is to really address the issues in a relationship and decide whether it is past the point of no return and be willing to face the crossroads with strength. There is always an opportunity for growth with any changes you make and every direction you head. As you face the unknown, let your old life fade and embrace the new life you are heading into, whether you stay together or you part.

What Were They Thinking?

Sometimes people behave in way's that make you wonder, what were they thinking? People act out their deeply buried pain. That is why people can lack compassion, behave selfishly, be mean or even act cruelly. The denial in mean spirited and selfish people is so profound, they rationalize their bad behavior or just blame other's as deserving it. Often people also completely minimize the behavior saying, "you're so sensitive, it's not that bad!" The detachment in them in significant. I often have clients ask me, "How and why can so and so be so incredibly mean." It's tough to fathom when you are a caring individual, that some people operate out of spite, vengeance, selfishness and resentment. They simply justify their behavior as the person or world made them act that way. Here are some of the mean or selfish behaviors I have heard about in the years of working with clients. A husband is home with his 3 month old baby boy. His wife goes out to a movie to have some time for herself. When she returns, she finds her husband sleeping and assumes all went well.....until she hears a muffled cry and opens the bathroom door. She is shocked when she sees the bassinet and baby crying, realizing her husband pushed the baby and bassinet into the bathroom so that he could get some sleep. What was he thinking? An ex-husband shows up at his son Jacob's baseball game which happens to be on Jacob's seventh birthday. The father has no gift or card for his son and simply says, Happy Birthday, then leaves the game. What was he thinking? A girl goes to the first day of school to start 1st grade. Her mother failed to tell her that she was held back and would be repeating Kindergarten. The child hears it from the teacher on the first day of school and sobs all day at her desk. What was that mom thinking? A father so incensed that a driver honk's at him, gets out of the car and beats the driver to a pulp, in front of his 5 year old son. What was that father thinking? A wife yells at her spouse, "I hate you and wish you were dead." What was she thinking? A father terrorizes his son for years with cruel words and actions. What was he thinking? I've heard many stories of child abuse where the parents bury their heads in the sand and ignore what is or has happened and even defend the abuser. What are they thinking? "Good men and bad men differ radically. Bad men never appreciate kindness shown them, but wise men appreciate and are grateful. Wise men try to express their appreciation and gratitude by some return of kindness, not only to their benefactor, but to everyone else (Buddha)." People in deep pain and denial, project their pain on everyone around them. That pain causes so much pain in other's, which may take years or a lifetime to sort through. Try not to spend too much time understanding people's bad behavior's, work on yourself and get stronger. A big lesson and test of being hurt by bad behaviors of other's........,to avoid joining them in denial, rage, retaliation or vengeance. The journey with very painful lessons is to feel what has happened, learn compassion, find ways to protect yourself and your children from abusive behaviors and ultimately to forgive. Forgiveness does not condone bad behaviors, it releases you from being judge and jury and frees you from carrying the pain forever. I'll end this article with an inspiring quote from Mother Teresa to illuminate the point that all of life is a lesson. "Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it."

The Fortress

Children come into the world full of unconditional love, but in a conditional world, they build their walls brick by brick until it becomes a fortress. We all have such an enormous capacity to love, but it becomes jaded, stifled, and blocked. Feelings are the key to break down the fortress. As children we were so open and honest about our feelings. Each day though, our parents and environments taught us to hold back, behave, not act too excited, and push down our very essence. The journey as adults.....,begin to feel again and break through the pain which built the fortress. Fear always has to be addressed in dealing with the fortress. Fear is the guardian and tries to dissuade us from heading into the unknown. It convinces us that the fortress is just fine and there is no need to go any further. It keeps us locked up however and in a perpetual state of limbo from ourselves. People often believe their fortresses are protections, but all too often people stay in bad situations with not very nice people, because they can't feel how damaging the situation really is. Without an open heart connection, you can't really discern painful situations. You may know it's bad, but aren't feeling the situation completely. That leads us into denial which is a crafty defense that can put a veil of illusion around you. That veil shows you what you want to see in a person or situation, not what they or it really is. It is truly self deception at it's best. Hey, we've all been guilty of it! The more you stray from your heart, the more you cling to illusion and fear, the more you reside in denial. Our society also conditions group denial of feelings. The socially acceptable way to keep denial in place and from feeling too much: drinking alcohol in excess, smoking, drugs, gambling, sex addictions, shopping, gossiping, food, anger and more. Unfortunately, those very behaviors can create another level of avoidance when the addictions to keep you from feeling actually become a problem which necessitates more denial! What a vicious cycle. My journey regarding my own fortress has been illuminating. As a child, my essence was expressive, sensitive and loving. Without guidance and supervision however, I was left on my own to get to scouts, do homework and figure out dinner. My fortress started from neglect. The fortress was firmly in place by high school. I clearly remember having no hopes or dreams about my future. I felt completely disconnected. I spiraled out of control in college when feelings finally began to emerge. The fortress couldn't contain it all any more and my behavior and choices reflected that. Overwhelming feelings were actually my saving grace and even though it took me being out of control to get there, it was my wake up call. An abusive relationship early in college also taught me how little I valued myself and eventually led me to seek help. I found my way back to me and started having hopes and dreams. With hopes, I also found a new form of denial, social acceptance. Growing up poor, led me to want the American dream. I bought into the package, hook, line and sinker. I hoped for everything I never had growing up, the house, marriage, the kids and suburbia. Denial began to mask the essence of who I had worked so hard to unveil and for what? To anchor the image I had worked so hard to achieve. Clearly my journey is ongoing on dismantling my own denial, even with as much insight I may have. We are all always in lesson! Denial is a tough lesson, because you have to really face yourself and discover what you are really clinging to. First step, break the denial and keep breaking it. That tricky denial just keeps throwing up veil's of illusion. Once you break one layer, don't be surprised when another layer pops up with a different spin. It's still fear disguised! I have seen so many individuals finally break through denial in relationships and feel the pain of the situation, kinda like a hallelujah moment, only to cover it back up days, weeks or months later. People make excuses and say things like, "well, he's been nicer for a week," or "it's really not as bad as I thought" or "the kids seem fine" and "why rock the boat." I'm telling you, don't believe one darn thing that denial tries to tell you. Protective, nope, it's just a stall tactic....to avoid facing your fears and to keep you incredibly out of touch with your heart center. What fears? Fears of change, avoidance of loneliness (even though the situation may be incredibly lonely), guilt (more self abuse), finances, protecting the status quo and the list goes on and on. Hiding in your fortress and ignoring your feelings is paramount to abuse, that you are doing to yourself! Sometimes, it can feel quite cozy in your fortress. It feels like a safe place for awhile because becoming aware of one's feelings or what is really occurring around you may seem like opening Pandora's box. Your denial imprisons you in the fortress and as comfortable as it may feel, it is an avoidance of who you are and what you are really feeling. Show that pesky denial that you are in charge and it does not control you. Bravely face your fears, see the truth beneath the denial and allow yourself to feel, dismantling your fortress one brick at a time. Understand your story, but don't cling to it. Our stories are to help us learn. Once you learn the lesson though, the story is in the past and no longer needs to define you. It's your life to live, do you want to stay hidden behind a fortress? "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: 1.) not going all the way; and 2.) not starting, (Buddha)."

The Beauty of Change

Another road trip with my kids this past weekend. We went the correct direction this time and headed to Lake Placid, NY. The message for me on this trip; enjoy the moment, appreciate the positive souls who crossed our paths and notice the changes all around me. Being in the moment with my kids was easy. We stopped for lunch at a diner on the way to Placid and I had to laugh when we had an interesting encounter with a stranger. The diner was packed and my children were actually being relatively quiet at the table. An older lady kept trying to get my attention and I was looking at her with a look of surprise because for the life of me, I could not figure out what she wanted. She got up and came closer and I finally heard her say, "Would you mind keeping your son quiet?" Well, now I was shocked! Look, I have very spirited kids. The downside of not squashing their spirit is sometimes they can be very difficult to contain. So believe me, my kids can get out of control, but this was not one of those moments. I swear, they were playing nicely! She was talking about my four year old, who was playing with two pencils and pretending that they were cars racing. He was having a blast. The adults in the restaurant were being louder than him. I quickly replied, "excuse me?" with the hope that she was actually joking. "Do you speak English?" she said loudly. I started laughing. She repeated her absurd statement several more times asking if I would mind keeping him quiet, because he was driving her husband crazy. Wow, a playing, happy child was driving her husband crazy. What does that say about him! I finally said, mustering up a great deal of patience, "Yes I do mind, he is playing nicely and I will not ask him to stop." She was surprised that she could not control the world around her. An adult that was not willing to behave! Usually, I might get a little more feisty with someone like that, but I noted the change in myself, that my patience had definitely increased. We did not give the incident another thought, but I bet she and her husband ruminated about it the rest of the day! You cannot control the world around you, only how you react to it. That evening at dinner, we crossed paths with people who were so friendly and attentive to my kids. The three tables around us in the restaurant asked my kids questions, laughed at their jokes and genuinely seemed amused by them. It was a pleasure! As far as noticing other changes, the autumn colors are hard to miss! We hiked a familiar mountain, but this time the trail looked very different in the fall. As in life, sometimes we take the same route but the changes in and around us can be breathtaking. I also recognized a significant change in my oldest son. At nine years old, his nature is always more cautious. On hikes, he usually tends to go slow and always watch his step. This time however, he approached the trail differently and headed up first, completing the hike faster than us and by himself. He was beaming with pride when we caught up with him at the top. His new found confidence was clearly showing. On the way down, now feeling like an expert at this trail, he helped his little brother all the way down. He emerged from the trail with a profound new sense of himself and I beamed too knowing it was one of many lessons he would learn in life. He found the hiker within, the risk taker and the ability to help show other's the way. We all have those moments, when we approach the trail of life with a little more bravery, we face our fears and emerge stronger and transformed, then help others do the same.

Feng Shui Your Thoughts

I teach Feng Shui classes and I am always reminded about how much I love talking about how energy affects us profoundly each and every day. Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese art of placement of the chi (energy) in and around us. Feng Shui translates into wind and water. The idea of Feng Shui is that our environments should reflect nature and our spaces should reflect balance. We can shift the energy in our environments by attending to colors, furniture placement, the balance of elements, clearing clutter and countless other ways to bring the energy of nature into our homes and work spaces. Our homes also reflect us and the space affects us. If your home is on a busy street the sound of traffic affects you. If your home looks like a museum or a cluttered mess, that affects and reflects you as well. I like to think that Feng Shui can be applied to the energy of our thoughts and the energy of the people we have around us. So, what is the energy of your thoughts? Do you have mostly positive, self affirming, life affirming thoughts? If not, time to Feng Shui and clear up the mind clutter. People often have anxious thoughts. Anxious thoughts bring chaos and fear into your life. "We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world (Buddha)." Change your thoughts and you alter how you feel. Fear is based on irrational thoughts. Being aware of what you are thinking, focusing on the positive and changing your thoughts will help you feel more in balance. A client recently complained about her job. She was focusing on what she did not like, the boss, the lack of communication and frustrating customers. After some discussion though, she did not want to quit and actually had more things she liked about the job! But each and every day, she would wake up focusing on the negative and therefore end up frustrated and defeated. The redirection of her thoughts to focus on the flexibility, money, co-workers and job security helped her realize that she was creating negativity and she could shift that by focusing on the positive. Often people fight allowing life to be calm and joyful so they use their thoughts to create worry, fear and doubt. Cluttered thoughts make you feel frustrated and exhausted by life. Another client recently complained that life was terrible and that he felt like he was on an endless treadmill. After discussing his thoughts, he disclosed that he grew up in a very task focused home where there was never time to have fun or play. He grew up thinking that life was all work and responsibilities. He realized that he did not allow himself to have fun at all. A friend was avoiding taking her children to the park because they would not want to leave after the hour of play. Her negative thought affected her decision. By re-focusing her thoughts on all of the fun she would have with her kids and minimizing the worry about a possible tantrum, she allowed herself to really enjoy the time with her kids. Just by bringing awareness to your thoughts, you can begin to free yourself from the illusion and restriction your thoughts have been creating. You can create a harmonious life or one filled with fear, negativity and lack of trust. How you view life is up to you. Clearing the thoughts of doubt and worry are important too. Doubt and worry are based in fear and stop you ultimately from getting what you say you want. All negative thoughts need a little Feng Shui to shift the awareness to the positive and allow yourself to release the need to cling to the old thought patterns. Bringing nature into thoughts through meditation can help bring peace and calm into your life. The mind is like a muscle you need to learn to work with, increase flexibility and strengthen. Create the world you want by imagining the person you always wanted to be and begin seeing yourself that way. Be positive, affirm life, attract positive people into your life and make the choice to love yourself and life.......it all comes from your thoughts. You are what you think!

The Energy of Anger

As children we have all heard the words, "sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me." That saying could not be more false! Words and cruelty can hurt people to the core of their being and last a lifetime! "The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood (Buddha)." While I was leaving my office, a man in his car taking up two lanes, completely lost his temper when a driver honked to get him to move back into his lane. The man was shaking his fist, giving the other driver the middle finger and cursing. It was quite a sight! Why are people so angry? Rage and anger affect those around them and perpetuates more anger. Everyone has witnessed a fight or road rage, where seemingly "put together" people absolutely lose it on each other. Children treated harshly by an adult can turn into bullies, tormenting other kids. Some children humiliated and treated cruelly by a parent might appear as a model child, only to take their anger out on their spouse or children when they are adults. Other children treated harshly by adults, may not be abusers but end up marrying someone who abuses them with anger. One client I counseled who was repeatedly verbally abused as a child with stuff like, "your an idiot" and "you'll never amount to anything" took his anger out on the field while playing sports, starting fights and name calling. Even now in his 60's, those words still affect how he feels about himself. Another client in his 40's, recently broke down sobbing as he remembered the repeated humiliation of being ignored and dismissed by his father as well as harsh physical punishments. Ignoring someone is a form of rage too. Everyone has anger in them, it can be a healthy protective emotion. The issue is really about what you do with your anger. Name calling, degrading someone, telling other's they are no good or crazy is unacceptable and a form of verbal and emotional abuse. Rage, violence and hostile anger is passed down from generations in one form or another. Sometimes people end up angry because of growing up in alcoholic homes, where nobody was protecting the child or setting limits. The anger still originates from a childhood wound. Children and adults around hostility and criticism may also learn to repress their anger and instead of venting it outwardly, they turn it on themselves. Anger turned inward is depression! The lesson for any person with anger, to get back in touch with the pain they have been burying and to learn compassion for themselves and others. Unfortunately all too often though, the person with the rage issue refuses to get help and blames everyone else for their anger. It's always someone else's fault from their perspective. I end up counseling the people affected by the anger, generally the spouses and children. If the spouse with rage does make it to therapy, they still rant and rave about how everyone provokes them. The denial in them is actually really profound! "Do not speak harshly to any one; those who are spoken to will answer thee in the same way. Angry speech is painful: blows for blows will touch thee (Buddha)." Anger is a lesson for everyone. It is a lesson of self control of one's own anger and to walk away and refuse to engage when someone is verbally attacking you. Anger and controlling behaviors are really smoke screens for deep insecurities and pain. Send them love and walk away! If things escalate, call the police and get somewhere safe. Don't put up with repeated abuse. Nobody deserves any kind of abuse! Angry people need to justify their rage, so they will invent all kinds of triggers and excuses to spew their poisonous words. Find the strength to leave the person with rage if they refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior. Seek counseling to work through the wounds that anger has caused and be aware of what might be causing your own anger. Love is the only remedy for anger. "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger (Buddha)." Love yourself, seek the truth underneath your anger and learn to forgive, it is the only way!