Being Kind

I have been thinking about kindness lately. I believe in being kind to others. I guess that makes sense, since I am a therapist and I value helping others. The employee, Jim at Starbucks is kind. When he overheard me say it was my birthday last September, he gave me my iced coffee on him. The woman behind me in line at Starbucks today was mighty surprised, when I bought her cup of tea, just to be nice. My son felt great today giving his teacher a handmade card, in honor of being kind. She told him that his card "made her year." I suppose it didn't hurt that he wrote that she is the best teacher in the whole wide world. We are always touched by random acts of kindness. It restores our faith in life. We always remember when someone does something nice for us. I have a client who brings me a coffee, because his sessions are early and he knows I am always running late. The coffee assures both of us that I will be somewhat alert and manage to pay attention during the session. One of my favorite movies is, "Its A Wonderful Life." The movie is a reminder that we all make a difference and that in the end, his kindness brought kindness back to him tenfold. In the uplifting movie, "Pay It Forward," the boy helps others by doing something nice for someone and telling them to pay it forward. I always try to be kind to people around me. I will run an errand to help someone, bring my kids a slushy while they are at summer camp, or just plain go out of my way to help anyone. When I was pregnant with my third child, I had a flat tire in the fast lane on the Interstate. A stranger pulled over and insisted on changing my tire. His act of kindness came from a tragedy. It turns out that his sister was killed while sitting in her car waiting for a tow truck to come change her tire. I am always astounded however, when kindness does not come naturally to people. Often people just get so caught up in themselves and their own lives, that they don't even notice all of the people needing some kindness around them. I love what I do for a living, because at the end of the day, I feel good that I am helping others. Everyone can get that feeling, just by offering small or large acts of kindness. It feeds the spirit and makes you feel good! Here are some inspiring quotes about kindness. "I prefer you to make mistakes in kindness than work miracles in unkindness (Mother Teresa)." "My religion is simple. My religion is kindness (Dalai Lama)." "Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you (Princess Diana)." "A laugh, to be joyous, must flow from a joyous heart, for without kindness, there can be no true joy (Thomas Carlyle)." "As much as we need a prosperous economy, we also need a prosperity of kindness and decency (Caroline Kennedy)." "As I've gotten older, I've had more of a tendency to look for people who live by kindness, tolerance, compassion, a gentler way of looking at things (Martin Scorsese)." Kindness acts much like love.....it melts anger and dissipates tension. It should be like a mantra, one that you live by each and every day until its a habit. So, have fun being kind. I loved the look on the lady's face when I bought her tea. It was great fun surprising my niece and nephew several weeks ago when I flew to California to celebrate their birthdays with them. I especially love surprising my kids with random acts of kindness. It teaches them that kindness is a way of life. Today when they gave donuts to their classes and cards to their teachers, they received the rewards too, because they felt good and enjoyed being kind. Who can you surprise and make smile, just by doing something kind?

The Voice Within

There are people dealt very difficult life lessons and abuse is one of the most difficult experiences an individual will endure. I counsel a 25 year old, I'll call her Hannah. She suffers from depression and anxiety and is so medicated on mood stabilizers, that all she wants to do is sleep all day. She was severely abused physically and emotionally by her alcoholic father until she was 15. He stopped beating her when she stood up to him and threatened to call the police if he touched her again. The father finally left home soon after that incident and she has had no contact with him in years. As a child, she often took beatings that were meant for her younger sister as well, because she wanted to protect her. Her best friend recently committed suicide and she feels especially guilty about not being able to stop it from happening. As you can see, there are a whole host of issues this young woman is struggling with. Primary issues are lack of self worth from the severe abuse growing up, guilt from the loss of her friend, and overall helplessness and lack of trust in life. She also has dreams of becoming a nurse and is currently enrolled in nursing school. Hannah says she wants to be able to help others. The struggle she faces every day, negative messages she repeats to herself, that she is worthless, terrible and not good enough. The clarity, she stood up to the abuser and he left....but he still remains in her head. The journey, to take her life back and to exile the abuser once and for all. Everyone has those voices from childhood in their heads of the mean, critical, withholding adult or parent. With abuse, the voice is especially harsh and relentless. Her work begins with becoming more aware of that inner voice and to stop it from repeating untruths. As awareness increases, she needs to tell the internalized dad to go away, much like the moment she stood up to him and told him that he would never hurt her again. The journey is in her head now and begins with awareness. As she works on eliminating the abuser in her head, the work focuses on increasing the positive things about her self worth. Even with all of that abuse, she was able to eventually stand up to her abuser, protect her sister, and wants to help others. The abuser was not able to completely squash her spirit.....because her inner light still shines through. She also has incredible compassion, telling me that from the abuse, she learned that she would never want to hurt another human being. The journey of becoming empowered is in her hands now. As an adult, she is free from the abuser, but needs to free herself from the abuser in her head. I had her write down all of the negative things the abuser said and did to her on a piece of paper and then, burn it. The symbolism, taking her life back by releasing the messages from the past. I reminded her that she was born loving and innocent to the world. The words and deeds the abuser did to her were not her fault and nobody ever deserves that behavior. She is on a journey now to remember who she really is in her heart, and to transform all of that pain into light. The abuser does not have to define her self worth any more....it's time for him to be banished, once and for all. As for trust in life, that will come in time as she learns to value herself. No matter how difficult the lessons may be, the journey remains about finding ones way, regaining faith and trust in life, one day at a time......

Don't Take It Personally

It is incredibly difficult for me to understand how people, even when they are grown and way beyond the high school years, still act as if they are adolescents. I am talking about adults gossipping, being mean, alienating others and being just plain spiteful. I come across quite a few adults, many of whom are parents, who display the behaviors they chastise their kids for, and they behave worse than their children. What happened to the old fashioned rules, be nice, play fair, get along, appreciate differences and work together. Okay, not everyone is going to agree, but opinions can be shared in a way that respects everyones feelings. I love the Buddha quote, "The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, And let it spring from love Born out of concern for all beings." I can always tell when people are back biting or being fake. It comes with my intuition....I just don't miss a thing now. I can read people very easily. What I can say is trust your gut and if it screams to get away from someone, then listen. Our intuitive selves try to protect us, so don't easily dismiss that internal voice when it tries to warn you about harmful people. Also, try to follow Don Miguel Ruiz's rule from The Four Agreements, don't take anything personally. He says that nothing others do is because of you. What others do and say is actually a projection of their own reality. Here is an example of projection. I counseled a couple this week. During the session, the husband gave countless examples of how he believes the wife does things to get back at him. Example after example, he spoke about situations where he "projected" that she did things to be mean and how she lied to him and just wanted control. The wife's jaw was on the floor. She couldn't believe he thought that about her. The projection.....what he was seeing in her was himself! The truth was, he was the one that would retaliate with mean and cruel behavior, and we caught him in several lies. When people seem to have it out for you, take a step back and try to see the situation clearly. When people blame and criticize you, try to assess where it is coming from. Often, when you just cannot understand where it is coming from, it is projection, plain and simple. Another client kept calling his spouse selfish. After some investigating, it was actually the husband who was acting selfishly. He projected and blamed others for a behavior he did not want to see in himself. The answer to my own question, why do people act terribly to others.....they are behaving out of their own pain and their inability to see themselves clearly. They run around projecting, thus blaming everyone. So buffer yourself from projections. Try not to engage in their blame game and know yourself enough to accurately assess your own part in any discussion or argument. Know thyself is the eternal rule. If you are operating out of good intentions, fair behavior and love in your heart, then you will be fairly immune to the endless projections swirling around you. We cannot change other peoples behavior, but we can start with ourselves, by not taking it personally and operating with integrity.

Feeling Lost

I know that during the times I have felt the most lost, were exactly the times I grew the most. During most of my college years, I felt incredibly lost. Those lost years were ones of confusion, pain, sadness, lack of clarity, and hopelessness. Sometimes, I also just felt as if I was in a daze, tuning out and acting out. I thought that I would never survive those years. All of that confusion though, led me to therapy and I literally felt as if I was being reassembled from the inside out. Those years were essential in my growth. By some miracle, I somehow managed to attend enough classes, barely, to finish my degree, although it took seven years to do it. I really do not remember most of my classes. I should just call it my phantom degree. I thank god for getting me through those seven years! So in the middle of being lost, you can actually find your way. That therapy in college taught me the value of looking within and taught me about emotions. Emotions were never discussed in my house growing up. I was just told, "don't get angry," or "what's the big deal." No one ever really asked me how I was doing as a child and I wasn't doing well, by the way. With all of that pain came clarity and eventually led me into a career to help others find their way too. I worked with a male client this week, who has felt lost for years and had been suppressing a lot of pain. In the process of several months, he finally admitted that his ex-spouse had betrayed him severely by having an affair with his best friend. He never processed the pain of that betrayal and finally allowed himself to get angry, cry and confront his pain from the past. He looked relieved recently, when he realized that he did not have to hide in denial or diminish his feelings anymore. He is no longer lost....he is finding his way. Another client never processed the pain of losing her little sister at a young age. After her sister died, the family system shut down and everyone was lost. When a loss like that occurs, sometimes the parents are just not able to cope and they slowly disappear, barely functioning in life. Now an adult, being lost led her to seek help and finally cope with how the loss devastated her family system. By addressing her pain, she is no longer lost, but finding her way back to the living. Sometimes, people don't even know they are lost, until a loss or a crisis wakes them up. One client thought his life was fine, until his wife wanted a divorce. That crisis was the catalyst to an awakening which helped him see that he had been sleepwalking through his life. Now he feels lost as he sorts through the pain he had caused with no clear direction. Being lost will help him see himself and the world with new eyes which will forever help him on his journey. Being lost is a gift, a chance to find a new way. I always say to clients that crisis is an opportunity to thrive, because often people do not shift, change and grow unless forced to do so. If you begin to see that feeling lost is the biggest chance to reinvent yourself and to grow as an individual, then you might embrace crisis instead of resisting it. "One thing we know: Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment (Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth)." If you are feeling lost, then just know, that you are in the throws of a huge life lesson.......so embrace the moment, feel the moment and you too will find your way.

Beyond Measure

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I cannot help but feel overwhelming gratitude in my heart for so many things in my life. I am incredibly grateful that I am here, living this life, learning and growing as an individual. Words alone cannot even begin to describe my gratitude for being here. I am grateful for every experience that I have ever had, for every joy, every pain, each loss, countless tears and lots of laughter, for all of it makes me who I am today. I am overwhelmed by the joy I feel in having three beautiful, amazing souls as my children. They teach me more and more every day in more ways than I ever imagined. I am grateful for every person I have had the pleasure to learn both heartfelt and painful lessons from. Each one of us plays a role in each persons life, often acting as a catalyst to help each other grow and learn lessons. With that said, I truly forgive everyone who has ever hurt me...those lessons are the toughest to get through, but teach us compassion, resiliency and builds emotional strength if you allow them to. I also apologize to anyone I have ever hurt.....and hope you know that I believe I played a role to help you grow and learn as well. Please forgive me however for any pain I may have caused. I am grateful for all of the twists and turns my life has taken, for the adventure has been character building and given me an interesting view. I am grateful for the opportunity to turn my lessons into guidance for others. I am grateful for each and every client that has ever walked through my doors. I appreciate the opportunity to provide guidance, give solace, help reflect and overall for your trust that I could help you in any way. I am grateful to that boss who fired me, because he was right, I was a terrible waitress and it pointed me in a different direction. I am grateful for having had several adults in my life growing up, whether blood related or not, who took the time to let me know that I mattered. I am grateful for a partner whom I learned more about myself with, experienced the adventures of parenthood with and whom backed me up, when I wanted to follow my dream. We have helped each other grow immeasurably. I am grateful for each and every day, for each one is a gift which offers new lessons and opportunities. I am grateful for the spectacular beauty of nature, which gives me a profound inner sense of balance and connects me to the deepest part of my soul. I am grateful for the inspiring music I listen to every day, for it revives my spirit and gives me hope. I am grateful for individuals who taught me about love, for that is one of the most powerful lessons of all. I am grateful beyond measure for the journey and that the lessons will go on and on until my life is over........What are you grateful for?

Follow Your Dreams

Many years ago, my sister was 25 years old and working as a manager at a cookie retail store. She was unhappy and one day, she woke up and decided to follow her dreams. She had always loved the movie industry and knew that her soul really wanted to work around television or movies. On that fateful day, a gut feeling took over and she decided to drive over to 20th Century Fox and see where the day took her. When she pulled up to the guard at the security gate, she waved and something surprising happened, he opened the gate for her and waved her through. It was as if divine guidance had intervened, but the guard did not stop her or ask her a single question, he just waved her on through. Once on the lot, she decided to head to the trailers and the set of her favorite television show at the time, Moonlighting. Once there, she asked around if anyone had an internship available and they pointed her to the casting trailer. It was as if, step by step, everything was synchronistic and meant to be. Once she was in the casting trailer, she was informed that an internship had just opened up and it was hers if she wanted it. That was it, a gut instinct, a dream and the bravery to follow it through. She gave her notice at the cookie store and started the internship the following week. As it turns out, casting was a perfect fit for her. She had always remembered the names of actors in movies, plays and television, almost to a fault. All of her skills came together and she found one of her callings in life. The only catch, she had to work with no paycheck for three months until she was hired on as the casting assistant. Any dream worth pursuing is worth some sacrifice. She had to scrape, borrow and live on soup for three months, but the payoff was worth more than three months with no salary. She realized on the first day at the job, that something had guided her there, even though she did not believe in divine guidance at the time. Everything in her life had led to that moment. Because she drove to 20th Century Fox that one morning, her entire life changed and went in an entirely different direction. If she had let messages of fear stop her at any time that day, she would not have ended up with the Casting and Producing career, she has today. Those fearful messages that could have stopped her or anyone..."what are you crazy, you will never get on the lot," or "work for free for three months, forget it, I'll stay at the cookie place." Luckily, she ignored the fear based voice and proceeded to work her way up to Casting Associate, then Casting Director and now Producer for films. The bottom line and titles aside, she absolutely loves what she does. She followed her dreams and although the occasional sacrifice comes with the job, she'd do it all again if you asked her. Listen to your gut, ignore those fearful messages whenever possible and do not hesitate to follow your dreams. The universe will conspire to help you achieve your dreams if you believe in yourself first. "All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them"...(Walt Disney).

The Power of Energy

When I read Masaru Emoto's book, The True Power of Water, I was profoundly moved by his scientific evidence that the energy of our words, and thus our thoughts and feelings behind our words, have the power to alter the structures of water crystals under a microscope. He writes, "We consistently found that water responded to positive words by forming beautiful crystals. As if it wanted to express its joyous feeling, the crystals opened like a flower. In contrast, when water was shown negative words, it did not form crystals." He found that water only manifested crystals when positive words were used, and that love and gratitude formed the most spectacular crystals of all. In contrast, his research showed that negative words produced broken, unbalanced and scattered crystals or none at all. Energy is in and around us.....everything is energy! All things emanate a vibration, some things vibrate positively and others negatively. When you consider that every word, thought and feeling produces a distinct vibration, it brings to your awareness the power that each of us has to affect the world around us. We all know that words of encouragement, love and gratitude elicit positive feelings and positive results. Much like the water crystal experiment, when someone says loving words to us, we light up and feel good. Giving praise and positive encouragement to children helps them to excel, feel secure and have higher self-esteem. On the contrary, negative words, criticism and anger brings about a very different reaction. When we are treated harshly, we do not feel good. Negativity brings about diminished self worth, blame, resentment and elicits more negativity. Emoto also found that giving any type of energy was actually better than giving none at all. "To give your attention to something is a way of giving energy (M. Emoto)." Being ignored or not giving attention to something or someone can have the most damaging results of all. Other negative emotions that affected the water crystals were worry, anxiety and fear which reflects that when you are internalizing those emotions, you are profoundly affecting your own energy in ways that are not supportive. In sessions with clients, I have witnessed the destruction that negative words and behaviors do to relationships, childhoods, working relationships and overall how people feel about themselves. I also get to observe the healing moments, when people finally say, "I love you, thank you, you are amazing, I forgive you and I'm sorry." Some days, I feel I have the best job in the world. I observe individuals very fragile moments and vulnerabilities and watch them find ways to heal, forgive and blossom. That brings me back to the healing energy of love and gratitude. The energy of love and everything it touches is life supporting, life nurturing and all encompassing. Sending love through your thoughts, saying loving things to others and yourself, helps you and everyone that energy touches to shine, just like the water crystals in Emoto's experiments. Be more aware of the profound influence the power your energy has on yourself and others around you, and with each thought, word and feeling.......infuse it with love or gratitude and let the healing begin.