Dear Self

Dear Self,

     You don't know me, not yet anyway. I'm your future. I'm over twice your age. The irony is, I feel younger now then I did at your age. I certainly feel wiser. To you, I'm ancient. You think that someone my age is done, over, biding their time until the grave. You think the future is you, the young people. You won't believe this but now we have portable phones that have camera's and lots of young people (and older ones too), take "selfies," which are outrageous photo's of oneself trying to look cool. I know it's hard to imagine, but it's true. Lots of things will change for you over the next 25 years, too much to be able to tell you in one letter. The future is you and me, and everyone. To exclude any one age group and marginalize them as if they have nothing to contribute is wasting a valuable resource. You should listen more to elders, since we have some valuable life lessons that we can share with you. You need us and we need you. If you devalue what I have to say, then you devalue yourself, since I am you one day.
     I'm so sorry that I wasn't always there for you. You were struggling and crying out in so many ways, and I let you down. I was hard on you and pressured you to have it all together, when you really just needed my support. You worried about body image and you fell in love with men who didn't treat you very well. I didn't have the guidance to give you because I wasn't able to yet. I can look back now and tell you that you are amazing, because I finally found the confidence you are endlessly chasing. Nobody outside of me provided that, I had to search within and it took many steps on our path to find it. It was earned through experience. You will seek mentors but friends will come and go, as will lovers. You will cry because you thought that each one truly cared. They only care as much as you care about yourself, and unfortunately you don't hold yourself in high regard. You are falling apart at the seams and nobody knows it, or everyone is burying their head in the sand. It's up to you then, to find your own way. You can do it! I'm living proof that you can. I''l try to help my peers offer support instead of judgement to our youth. Just as I am you one day, you are the younger versions of us. Loving ourselves means loving who we are entirely, our past, present, and future selves.
     There are days that I bask in life, and other days, I am struggling to get through the day. I enjoy a sunset, more than I did at your age. I also appreciate so much more than I did when I was you. You remind me to dream though, and to nurture hope. You have endless daydreams of what your life will turn out like. You long for the day to have the money to buy a new car, what your future kids will be like and you can't wait to be a career woman. It's pretty cool to have the freedom (and credit) to buy a car, but you'll find excitement in driving a mini van because it fits the kids pretty comfortably and has a portable movie player inside! It also has automatic doors! It's like something out of "Back To the Future," except it doesn't fly. I know...I know, you thought you'd have something cooler like a sports car. I'm sorry to burst that bubble. There is still time for that though. I'll have to ask my future self, what is in store for us for the next 25 years. Having a career is pretty empowering too, except I found that raising kids became more important, so career and being a mommy became conflicting roles at times. I still find a way to contribute to society, but for some crazy reason, being a mommy isn't valued in our society nearly as much as it should be. I hope that changes by the time our daughter becomes a mommy. Ultimately though, I don't care what society thinks. I know what is important and our kids need me right now.
     I am always here for you, cheering you on from the future. I embrace your struggles and love you that much more for all of the difficulties I know you are facing, and will be facing. Hold your head high, and never let others peoples perceptions of you dictate the direction of your life. You are a free spirit and one day, you will soar. I love you and when you fall asleep at night, you will hear my prayers whispering to you throughout the night. The future doesn't want you to hurry, just enjoy the present. You'll be here one day. Treat the earth kindly, for your children and their children and so on, need a place to explore their journey's. We will meet in our dreams but by day, as you take a step forward, so will I. We will truly compare notes when we leave this life. I have so much more to tell you, but we'll save that for another time. Until we meet again....

Cheers,

Denise

The Bridge to Anywhere

Who am I? I don't know, that depends on which angle you observe me from and what your perspective is. If I have to analyze myself from my own perspective, I'd say I'm many things. From one angle, I'm a therapist. From another angle, I'm a mother of three. From another angle, I'm a camp director. From yet another angle, I'm a writer and artist and teacher. From afar, you might think I have it all together. Observe me up close and I might seem lost, trying to read an old fashioned map to figure out which road to take in life. I'm many things of course, as we all are. From another persons perspective, I might be some of those things or none, depending on many factors. We only see small parts of each other. How many people would you say really know you? I'm surprised at how often people just aren't listening. I don't mind sharing things about myself. I'm an open book for the most part. However, half way through the sentence, people change the subject or are distracted. It's tough getting to know one another if you aren't listening. Many don't even ask. They live with each other and never talk or inquire. They live in silence. Many people prefer it that way. I people watch and sitting in public, you will observe people having dinner, saying nothing to one another. I also observe some couples and families chatting and laughing. I love watching families enjoy each others company, even for a moment. I've realized that there are no perfect families. We are all a mess really. Every family has secrets, lies, dysfunction, alcoholism, mental illness, fear, worry, doubt, anger and of course loss. Those things lurk somewhere in the shadows in the immediate or extended family system. The lesson is for us to figure out the road map, and to take different roads than taken before to learn from our families. Many families keep going in circles, repeating the dysfunction endlessly. It's a road they know all too well, but it leads to the same destination....nowhere. The other option means change. It doesn't mean running away (that leads nowhere as well). It means looking at the map and your options with intention and reflection. Purposefully refusing to engage in old patterns, not taking the same dead end road, is healthy. What does that look like? It looks like you are beginning to go back in a circle, repeating a pattern you have lived before, but instead you take a new road, a bridge to a new place, a different experience and an unknown destination. You know the family is still going in circles, but you choose a new path and it liberates you from the cycle of dysfunction. You set the tone for them, that change is possible, or perhaps one of your family members has already taken a new path and they demonstrate to you, that change is possible. All dynamics are cyclical in nature. Energy spins in circles, yet the challenge is to shift the energy to uplift and expand, rather than constrict and trap. Everything is energy. Emotion, dynamics, behaviors, and thoughts are all energy. The moment you were born, you were introduced into an energetic cycle with your family system. No matter what the circumstances were, even in adoption. It's all a cycle that you either participate in continuing or you shift out of. Think about it. Reflect on patterns in your life. Ever feel like things circle back, and you feel like you are repeating a pattern? Ever tell yourself (or a family member tell you) that you have to do something a certain way, because that's how its always done in our family? Each circle back is a new opportunity to change the dynamic and to observe how far you've come. Circling back around doesn't mean you haven't shifted. Only you can tell whether you're merely visiting a familiar place or stuck there. There is a distinct difference. Take your map and venture out of town, away from an old pattern and don't worry about how others view you. Get to know yourself and set yourself free. If any behavior, addiction, fear, or doubt is trapping you, figure out the steps you need to take to be free. Being free means that you embrace change and you have endless options. Don't worry, you can always walk back to that familiar street you've lived on, but instead of feeling stuck three, you get to visit with a new perspective and an appreciation that life is one big lesson in freedom. Nothing traps us ever, unless you choose it to.

Open or closed?

It's a new day, a new opportunity and a chance to see things from a different perspective. I love waking up each day knowing that it is a reset of sorts and a way to see something that you didn't see before. Of course you have to be open to this process. If you are closed, then each day is just a continuation of the last and the days blur into one another. As I've gotten older, I can more easily see peoples misery written on their faces. When I was younger, I didn't see beyond facades as well as I can now. I'm not sure if it's because my intuition has become more acute, or if it's because I've peeled away so many layers myself, that I am just more grounded in truth. Whatever the reasons, I'm astounded at how many people are running from themselves. Young people can hide behind their youthful looks but their behavior is often their tale-tale sign that they are spinning out of control. Older adults are often more restrained in their behaviors and become better at playing their roles, but their anguish is written in the lines in their faces, the look in their eyes and in how they carry themselves. People who are miserable are stuck. Being upset, sad, hurt and angry are emotions that people can cycle through easily if they are in touch and open. Those who are closed, hold onto those feelings and they become locked in their own fortresses of pain. It's sad because unfortunately, misery loves company and those people tend to lash out onto those around them. If you are open, then don't let those in misery contaminate you. You can love them from a distance and send them blessings but by all means, protect yourself. Chances are, someone closed wouldn't even be reading this blog, or they'd roll their eyes while reading an entry. But if by chance, a closed person wandered here by mistake or out of curiosity, you can change if you are open to the process. The process is simple actually. All change just requires the first step...wanting to change. Being open to change means simply embracing a new path, and a new way of seeing things. You don't even have to know how to get there yet. The answers always come when you need them and the direction illuminates itself, if you just remain open. Practice feeling open, or if you are open, then visualize yourself opening up even more! Embrace all that can come your way, rather than making demands or cracking the door open only slightly and wondering why nothing is changing. Push the door open all the way, and let life happen! Know also, that sometimes the universe sends you something you need the most but it's not what you asked for. Trust the process. From now on, when you fall asleep at night, let the day slip away with gratitude. Then, set your intention for new things to come your way and be open to seeing things in a new light. That way, each day offers a new chance and life begins to feel exciting again, with countless possibilities. The other option....remain closed and life feels lifeless, stagnation sets in and misery attempts to color everything. Open = opportunity. It's always your choice...are you open to it?

Life is a Battlefield

Life isn't always easy, in fact, it's a series of challenges. Sure, some people seem to have a charmed life, but I believe that even those that seem to have it easy, may just be good at detaching. Anyone in touch with their emotions knows this: That life is a series of ups and downs; Being happy is a matter of perspective and lastly; That true connections are rare and are often taken for granted. We live in a transitory world, where information comes fast and peoples loyalties can change as quickly as the tides. I adore children because they are our future. How do we teach them to hold onto their integrity, their honor and their hopefulness in a world that often teaches them the opposite? I know I'm a dreamer, but this world needs more hopefulness. I'm now over the half way point in my life and when you get past the half way mark, you begin to really reflect about things. I feel like I've progressed yet still have so much to learn. When I was a teenager, I was a hopeless romantic and I believed in love. Then life happened. I found myself in a series of relationships, which seemed less about love and mostly ended up leaving me feeling lost. I don't want to lose that part of me, the woman that loves from the heart with abandon. Yet, I too struggle with holding onto hope. I fight the hopelessness daily, combating it like a soldier heading into battle. I arm myself with armor, not enough to hide but enough to shield myself from the harsh realities in life that attempt to break my spirit. I use my wit and humor to diffuse the hurts and gratitude to dodge the negativity. There are days that I sure wish I could bury my head under the covers to hide from some of the hardships I've had to contend with. I can't though, because I cannot surrender, no matter how much I sometimes would love to wave the white flag. I'm too competitive to give in and give up. So I head into battle by waking up and being a good soldier. I imagine that soldiers in war must have to find some higher purpose to forge on, even when their worlds are crumbling around them. It's a true testament of our spirit. My battleground may be more of a cold war, one with spies and allies, but I choose to approach life with the optimism of a child and the sense and strength of a General. We can teach our children hope, by letting them dream while giving them practical tools to navigate life's mine fields successfully. Maybe my biggest error was that I didn't know that mine fields and enemies existed. My optimism left me vulnerable and naive. I wish I had been sufficiently warned. Maybe it would have saved me some near fatal wounds, or maybe not. Perhaps I wouldn't have listened or believed the warnings. I guess this goes back to life's ups and downs, and that we all must learn in our own way. So this life and this war remains like all wars, with no winners and no losers. Nobody ever really wins in battle. There are only survivors, and as a survivor, I will become stronger from the experience. Since happiness is a perspective, even in my moments of sadness, I choose happiness. I suppose the naive girl in me does still exist with the strong General at her side. That's life...the duality of strength and innocence, war and peace and of course....love and loss.

Gotta Flirt!

Why flirt? Well, flirting is a dialogue between two people attracted to each other. It's especially important for couples in long term relationships, to help them work on the art of flirting. If you have no desire to flirt, or you can barely stand your partner, then of course flirting will be virtually impossible. If however, you are pretty happy with your partner but things have gotten a bit boring, perhaps it's time to create a bit more passion in your relationship by flirting. I bet you flirted in the beginning? Most people pour their all into the beginning of a relationship and then kick back and coast, once things are solid. That's a big mistake. Although it's certainly wonderful to be secure in a relationship and feel like you can be yourself, you also have some potential barriers, due to being so darn comfortable with one another. Once you are comfortable, you might not dress to impress anymore. You might not shave as often, or groom as meticulously, plus you might have progressed onto the burp and other bodily noises category, which were absent in the beginning. Those things aren't romantic and that means, flirting needs to be a conscious act, geared at preserving and increasing attraction between committed partners. Many men think flirting is ridiculous. Of course players (male or female) know the power of flirtation works. You don't have to be a player though, to improve your flirtation skills. Look guys, women love flirting and it's a precursor to becoming intimate. Women need to be seduced generally, and flirting is a subtle way to let her know that you are attracted to her way before lights out. This is a win-win situation. You win because she feels more attractive and she wins, because she then becomes more attracted to you as a result. What are basic types of flirting? Compliments, calling her sexy or baby, telling her you are thinking about her, surprising her with a flower, and any type of attentive gesture. If you have never been good at flirting or you just feel plain awkward flirting, start out small with a text. You do not have to write poems, love songs or be a romeo to flirt. Just be sincere and make an effort. This also goes for the women too. Some women have a tough time flirting and many more women have a tough time receiving compliments as well. Just don't neglect the simple art of flirting with one another. It really does pay off in the end, with both partners feeling increased closeness and appreciation for one another. If flirting is dead in your relationship and you have no desire to resurrect it, then flirtation advice will be as beneficial as trying to sell snow to an Eskimo. For the rest of you, let the flirting begin!

Back to School, Volunteer, Mom

    Before this school year began, I received a flurry of e-mails from NPHS, my 15 year old son's school. They were begging for volunteers to help in the library with text book distribution. I have always volunteered to help in my children's schools. However, my son is a sophomore and I knew that he would not be thrilled at the prospect of seeing me anywhere on school property, at least not while he was there. I get it. In psychology, its called differentiation. Simple version, "I love you mom but pretend that you don't know me when I'm at school!" I couldn't ignore the continued plea's for help though and finally I signed up to help. Apparently, other kids at school don't want their parents helping out either, leaving the school in desperate need of volunteers. I think it's pretty funny now, reflecting back on the days when he was in elementary school and the teacher would have to draw names from a hat to decide which parents could chaperone field trips because so many parents had volunteered to attend. That's when we parents were welcome to  help at school with open arms and eager smiles from our children. Those days are now long gone.

    I volunteered for one shift and once again, my son made me promise to pretend that I didn't know him. I guess I told him a white lie, because I agreed. Later that day, when he walked into the library to get his books, I gave him a slightly friendlier "hi" with a mischievous grin. I was sort of teasing him a little, knowing he was starting to panic, wondering if I was about to blurt out something embarrassing like, "It's my handsome little boy," (who happens to be 6'2) and "Mommy loves you!" I played it cool though and only slightly embarrassed him by calling him by his name. I know, what was I thinking? I had promised to pretend to not know him.  

    Here is the catch, I graduated from NPHS 32 years ago! Yep, I was a Panther too, and wore black and gold with pride, the school colors. I sat in the quad with friends back then, talking endlessly about things that girls talk about. We actually talked back then, since cell phones were something that we could have never even have conceived of in the early 1980's. I too picked up my text books in that same library and gave hugs to friends as we compared schedules during our orientation. I stood there at the door of the library last week, reflecting back to my days at NPHS and all that I had imagined would be ahead of me, when I walked those corridors. I met a fellow mom, also there to help highlight classes and point students in the direction of their book pick up. Her son wasn't so strict about the mom on campus rule and she was allowed to actually have a conversation with him. Imagine that! 

    Hundreds of students had to stop at us first, waiting for us to highlight their classes, before getting their books. Most students were very friendly and many didn't even look up at us. One memorable student had a list of classes that probably made his parents proud. His classes were not only honors but he was doubling up on some subjects. His parents may love that their son is clearly at the top of his class. His behavior on the other hand, something not to be proud of. Already at 15 or so, he was condescending and rude. We tried to predict his future profession, probably a surgeon with terrible bedside manner. 

   I remember being that age. Many planning on attending college, dreaming about career options, aspirations of making money, family and of being a success. All of those hopes and dreams of life beyond high school. Its a memorable time. If you had asked me 32 years ago, if I would have been volunteering in the NPHS library, helping students find textbooks in my future, I would have thought that sounded crazier than the thought of having devices that sent messages and were portable phones and camera's all in one. I guess both crazy notions came true. 

     As students walked out of the library last week with their piles of books, I wanted so badly to whisper in their ears and share a little wisdom that I have gained over the past 32 years since graduating from high school. "You'll set out to achieve many things, but nothing is more rewarding than helping others out. It costs nothing, you get no pay, most don't even know you are helping, but it's rewarding nonetheless. I know some programs require volunteer hours, but the reward is knowing that you helped someone or something outside of yourself. Trust me, without volunteers, organizations including schools, shelters, hospitals, Red Cross and many non-profits, wouldn't be able to assist as many as they do. You'll learn many subjects in school but the ability to learn, to work together and to adapt can't be found in a book. It's a life skill. Just because you are earning an A, doesn't mean you are learning. Lastly, have fun. I was so focused on college and beyond, that I might have missed just enjoying hanging out with friends on the quad, checking out cute guys. Oh, don't get me wrong, I did pine over many cute guys back then! Once you are a grown up however, raising kids and working, those endless days of hanging out with friends is a distant memory." The last thing I wanted to share with those students as they passed by is this. "The two volunteers that you passed in the library, one is lawyer and the other is a psychotherapist. Yet, our careers have less meaning now, and we gladly help out at our children's schools. So the next time you pass a chaperone at a dance, someone handing out schedules, or anyone helping out at anything, out of the kindness in their hearts, remember this....that could be you many, many years from now. You will likely help out one day at your child's school or you might even decide to give back by becoming a teacher or a future Principal. Either way, don't forget that it's not all about the goals, it's also about the experience along the way. Oh and hopefully, your child will allow you on campus and allow you to slightly look his or her way, but probably not."
    My final thought isn't for the students, its for all the grown-ups. Yeah us, those of us ranging in age of barely past the legal drinking age to retirement and beyond. We all had our goals too. What is important now? Are you living, loving and helping yourself fully or are you still the high school student, going through the motions but not learning anything? Only you know the answer.    

    

On-line Dating Game

I have been counseling men and women for many years through divorces and have heard all of their stories about dating again. A common theme with all of them, on-line dating sites like Match.com. I have actually encouraged clients through the years to go on dating sites as a way to get back out there. I entered into the arena of dating again 5 years ago after a 20 year marriage/relationship, and I had to check out on-line dating for myself. On-line dating seemed strange at first, since the way I had dated twenty years earlier was by meeting people out at bars or through friends. How bad could on-line dating be? After all, I had encouraged many others to do so. I joined Match.com and when I left my career field vague, I was getting a lot of winks (a way for guys to say they were interested) and e-mails. In fact, I was getting too many to keep up with. It is interesting to note that my responses slowed WAY down, once I listed psychotherapist as my profession. I did that on purpose to have a reprieve. I guess guys fear being analyzed. I was curious about my competition, so I did some research on female profiles (thanks to a male client, who graciously showed some to me) to see how women are representing themselves. My jaw was on the floor, looking at female profiles. Even to this day, it baffles me how women degrade, exploit and throw themselves at men through their profiles. Maybe I had been out of the dating game too long, perhaps dating had become a bit more shallow, or maybe I was just completely clueless. Here are some of the tag lines women listed on their profiles: "There is a height requirement to ride this ride," and "Toes in the water, toes in the sand, not a worry in the world, a cold drink in my hand...I want to find my best friend and hold his hand forever." One bleach blond had dozens of revealing photos and listed no requirements for her date....none! Maybe she should just say, "Anyone, anytime." One girl's tag line was "Blue eyed beauty, looking for a partner in crime." She'll find plenty of guys willing to partner up with her. Another gal writes "I'm an easy going, fun chick who's looking to mean somebody who will not only be a partner in life but a best friend." Perhaps she needs to partner up with a dictionary first. It could also be a Freudian slip, warning guys to stay away. One girl said she's a "UniqueWriter1." She's unique alright...her profile picture shows the biggest cleavage and she's straddling a cowboy bull ride. Perhaps she should change her name to UniqueRider1. One woman seems so sincere when her tag line says, "AnotherMother2." It sounds so sweet that she's a mom....but her first sentence says, "Here I am" and she is lying on a desk, half naked with her butt crack showing. There she is alright...nothing sweet about that photo. I'm sure she gets tons of winks and e-mails however. Other profile names for women include, ""Active Cupcake's, 1st Hot Chick and 3,2,1...here we go." Based on the photos I saw of the women, they were all competing to see who can get the most winks, e-mails and dates, of course. "A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become"...(Anita Wise). Okay, enough about the ladies, what are the guys saying in their profiles? One guy writes "It seams that I work to much and need to get out more." Maybe he should get together with the "Fun Chick needing dictionary" because they'd be a perfect match. Another guy has the nerve to put "Free trip to Hawaii or Mexico" as his profile name. Is he hoping that some of the women are dumb enough, or desperate enough to fall for it? That guy is in California and Mexico is only a drive away....but some woman might think she hit the lotto with him. There is a match for everyone. One guy listed as "Halloween," viewed my profile. There is nothing appealing about a guy calling himself Halloween....it sure scared me away. There are some cute profile names like, Jazznjava and oceanfun. Now, it's interesting to note that the guys say all the things that women want to hear. They say things like, "I'm looking for that special somebody," and "I'm looking for the ONE, is she out there." So interesting that the men (who tend to be less verbal and emotional) are spewing poetry practically on Match and revealing heart felt words indicating that they're "looking for their soul mates." They are looking for something alright, but it's probably not soul mates."The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men"...(Lupe Velez). The women are half naked, showing off their "best features" and seem to be playing down their brains and intelligence. Well, there it is right there on Match, the way of the world when it comes to the dating game. It's a game alright....one of needing to read between the lines, never believe what you read in profiles until you get to know them, and laugh as a way to cope with it all. To be fair, some people on Match are genuinely looking to find companionship and partnership. In a world where the bar scene is less than appealing, how else are you suppose to find other single people. In the dating scene as a whole, there are always going to be some just looking to score, but on-line is no exception. Now five years later, I can laugh at my initial shock of on-line dating. It was not horrible as a whole, but it certainly had its horrible moments. Unfortunately, it is the easiest way for busy people to sort of date, in the comforts of their own homes, while at work or browsing profiles on their phones on their way to work. However, on-line dating is not for the faint of heart. Most people on-line are professionals at it. Many have been on the sites for years and have no intentions of settling down, even though they may say so in their profiles. More often than not, people on dating sites want hook ups and many more hide behind facades. There is nothing genuine about on-line dating. The true gems are not the profiles that are filled with razzle, dazzle. The nice people have nice boring profiles that many overlook. Those are the ones to look for. A sincere person won't try to push things, sell themselves or start out saying crude things. A genuine person is also one that accurately portrays themselves. I am glad that I tried on-line dating and in fact, that is precisely how I met my boyfriend. His profile was sweet, simple and genuine. That being said though, I had to sort through many toads along the way and I'm in no rush to ever go back on-line to date ever again. In fact, I'd rather get a double root canal before ever logging onto another dating site! "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then"...(Katharine Hepburn).