Beauty In The Thorns

Where do I begin? I haven't written in awhile. I have not been inspired, although I always have plenty to say. I've been processing the past intensely and letting things go. It's an important lesson for us all. I wrote a text to my ex today, summing up my gratitude for our past, because I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my past choices. How do we reconcile regret, when we have the ability to look back and wonder how our lives might look had we made different choices. The idea that we can reflect back with 20/20 vision is true however, those many past choices we have made throughout our lives, which threw us into a lot of messes just may have been messes that ultimately brought us beauty. One of the teens I am counseling said to me last week, "Life is so messed up!" My reply, "Life is messy. that's what makes it so beautiful." It was sort of an epiphany for me in that moment. I also heard an interesting statement from an astrologer recently. He said, "Divine fate trumps free will." He meant that although we have free will, our divine destiny will override our free will, guiding us to where we need to be and what we need to experience for our soul to meet its purpose. Of course free will is the part where the saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink," seems to prevail. So, divine destiny may keep trying to help you get what your heart desires, but your pain keeps you repeating old patterns, keeping your hearts desires just out of reach. Of course if people just deal with their pain, and honestly reflect on the ways in which they keep themselves stuck, they would find that nothing is ever really out of reach. People are often surprised to find out that everything they ever wanted was right in front of them all along but they just couldn't see it. The other part of that is trust. People get caught up in images of what they want their lives to look like. Those images may be the very problem. It's like how the media send messages of what a perfect life looks like. People spend a lot of time and money making their homes beautiful, trying to create a beautiful life. Those same people are devastated when they wake up one day and realize that their lives are a mess, and that all the beautiful decor and furniture is a sham. Some people never wake up and they just live in their lies until they die. The lucky ones wake up and set out to demolish false images and pretenses. Living honestly means that everything isn't pretty all of the time. In fact, an honest life has more thorns than roses on most days, but that's the beauty in it. Look at a bouquet of roses and there are many more thorns, yet the beauty of the roses is what we see. Beauty is always present in life if you choose to see it. Following your heart means there is no destination, because you are already there. Think about that, you don't have to search, wonder, daydream or do more work, because if you are living in your heart, you are already there and the rest will just unfold. Letting go of what you thought your life would look like, opens up endless possibilities. On the other hand, holding on to a fixed view of what your life should be does the opposite, it closes off all of the wonderful possibilities and keeps you stuck. The heart wants to love and wants to live honestly, its the rest of the defenses that get in the way. I can tell you after counseling many thousands of people, the problems only arise when emotions are cut off and the heart and feelings aren't allowed expression. When emotions are cut off, all sorts of problems manifest for the individual. So here we are all, contemplating our past and wondering about our futures. Process the past, feel the past and then let it teach you something, but don't let it hold you back. Let go also of what you want your future to look like. Have you ever gone house hunting with one image in mind, only to be surprised that you fell in love with other homes, ones that surprised you? Don't be one of those people that go house hunting and are rigid about what they want to a fault and end up with the home that fit their image, but after they move in they discover home has plumbing problems, there are termites, and the house becomes the money pit.
Instead, be open to possibilities but always let the heart lead the way. We are entering into a time to get all that we ever wanted, but we have to remain true to ourselves every step of the way.

Camp Happinesss

I loved summer camp as a kid. I didn't have many opportunities to attend camp, but the camps I attended left a lasting impression. What's not to like? Whether it's a day camp or an overnight camp experience, camp offers youth a chance to be anything you want to be. At camp, you make new friends, form tight bonds with your patrol (or tribe as I like to call it), learn the power of teamwork, try new things, miss your family, sing songs, dance like a fool, make s'mores and overall you're able to be the person you want to be but can't be in school. Camp offers those things because camp doesn't have the parameters that schools have. At camp, you aren't pigeonholed into the same social groups, so you are forced outside of your comfort zone and have to quickly adapt to new people and new experiences. Sure, sometimes camp can be uncomfortable too because you are outside your comfort zone, but you grow profoundly from the experience. Camp teaches resiliency and helps you discover yourself in a community environment. What a great metaphor for life! What if....life is one big camp!? Life is whatever we want it to be, so life is...camp.

Happiness is defined as joy, well-being, enjoyment and lightheartedness. Happiness is not a remote island in the Bermuda Triangle, only found by a treasured few who find themselves there after years of searching, only to never be seen or heard from again! Happiness is a state of being, something that all can attain. Happiness doesn't discriminate, it isn't an exclusive club, nor does it cost anything. In fact, money can't buy happiness, and trust me, many people have tried only to find themselves wealthy and miserable. Power and fame aren't happiness, those things merely feed the ego, which is like fish food, you need a lot of it but too much will kill you and too little is a tease and you want more and more. Those things are false happiness, like quick fix drugs that make you crave more, only to leave you more lost and certainly unhappy. Relationships can bring you joy, but you can't find happiness in or from another person. You are responsible for your own happiness. Great relationships form wonderful bonds that stimulate endorphins, but you must be receptive and open to this kind of bond, which goes back to you being responsible for your own happiness. So what is the road to happiness? It's an inner journey, a perspective and way you choose to live your life.
   
Imagine this, you wake up tomorrow and instead of looking at your day full of responsibilities including work, exercise (if you have time) with dread about what you need to do, but instead you wake up excited that you are at camp! You wake up realizing that you aren't just at any camp, not a camp to get you into college or to get ahead, but a camp that you chose, and it's called Camp Happiness. What would your mindset be if you wake up believing you are at camp! This is the coolest camp ever though. This is a camp without boundaries, because you are the camper, the counselor and the Camp Director.

As Camp Director, you do oversee the activities, manage the budget (your expenses) and you make sure you are safe and protected. I know many people that do not manage their own lives in that way, they are forever the camper but never the counselor or camp director and their lives are a mess. The "camper only" mentality tends to lead to credit card debt, addictions, a feeling of entitlement and a profound lack of security. They aren't happy, in fact they are often the angriest people I have ever come across. Some campers also tend to create chaos, drama and confusion wherever they go. Then there are those who are always the counselor, afraid to oversee their own lives but too afraid to be a carefree camper. They end up trying to manage others because they are secretly resentful of those they perceive as being over them, so they control those under them and undermine those over them. Those folks also often never say what they mean or mean what they say. In fact, these types of people are incredibly out of control inside themselves and they hide it with facades. Then there are those who are camp directors, who manage their lives well, but they forgot what it's like to be a camper or a counselor, lacking the creativity and freedom to let go and experience life. So...the real key to happiness is integrating all three roles...being the camper, the counselor and the camp director! Throw in there the program director at times too, making sure you have new and inspiring experiences to keep you on your toes. Think about the happiest people you know. Those people tend to have a great balance. They are positive, excited, inspiring people who enjoy life, yet they are also responsible and trustworthy. They combine all three roles beautifully. Their inner camper can shine because their inner counselor and inner camp director have created such inner security that their camper can experience life as an adventure. So come with me, allow yourself to be the camper, the counselor and the camp director and let's go to Camp Happiness.
     Don't worry, be happy and welcome to Camp Happiness!!

Dear Self

Dear Self,

     You don't know me, not yet anyway. I'm your future. I'm over twice your age. The irony is, I feel younger now then I did at your age. I certainly feel wiser. To you, I'm ancient. You think that someone my age is done, over, biding their time until the grave. You think the future is you, the young people. You won't believe this but now we have portable phones that have camera's and lots of young people (and older ones too), take "selfies," which are outrageous photo's of oneself trying to look cool. I know it's hard to imagine, but it's true. Lots of things will change for you over the next 25 years, too much to be able to tell you in one letter. The future is you and me, and everyone. To exclude any one age group and marginalize them as if they have nothing to contribute is wasting a valuable resource. You should listen more to elders, since we have some valuable life lessons that we can share with you. You need us and we need you. If you devalue what I have to say, then you devalue yourself, since I am you one day.
     I'm so sorry that I wasn't always there for you. You were struggling and crying out in so many ways, and I let you down. I was hard on you and pressured you to have it all together, when you really just needed my support. You worried about body image and you fell in love with men who didn't treat you very well. I didn't have the guidance to give you because I wasn't able to yet. I can look back now and tell you that you are amazing, because I finally found the confidence you are endlessly chasing. Nobody outside of me provided that, I had to search within and it took many steps on our path to find it. It was earned through experience. You will seek mentors but friends will come and go, as will lovers. You will cry because you thought that each one truly cared. They only care as much as you care about yourself, and unfortunately you don't hold yourself in high regard. You are falling apart at the seams and nobody knows it, or everyone is burying their head in the sand. It's up to you then, to find your own way. You can do it! I'm living proof that you can. I''l try to help my peers offer support instead of judgement to our youth. Just as I am you one day, you are the younger versions of us. Loving ourselves means loving who we are entirely, our past, present, and future selves.
     There are days that I bask in life, and other days, I am struggling to get through the day. I enjoy a sunset, more than I did at your age. I also appreciate so much more than I did when I was you. You remind me to dream though, and to nurture hope. You have endless daydreams of what your life will turn out like. You long for the day to have the money to buy a new car, what your future kids will be like and you can't wait to be a career woman. It's pretty cool to have the freedom (and credit) to buy a car, but you'll find excitement in driving a mini van because it fits the kids pretty comfortably and has a portable movie player inside! It also has automatic doors! It's like something out of "Back To the Future," except it doesn't fly. I know...I know, you thought you'd have something cooler like a sports car. I'm sorry to burst that bubble. There is still time for that though. I'll have to ask my future self, what is in store for us for the next 25 years. Having a career is pretty empowering too, except I found that raising kids became more important, so career and being a mommy became conflicting roles at times. I still find a way to contribute to society, but for some crazy reason, being a mommy isn't valued in our society nearly as much as it should be. I hope that changes by the time our daughter becomes a mommy. Ultimately though, I don't care what society thinks. I know what is important and our kids need me right now.
     I am always here for you, cheering you on from the future. I embrace your struggles and love you that much more for all of the difficulties I know you are facing, and will be facing. Hold your head high, and never let others peoples perceptions of you dictate the direction of your life. You are a free spirit and one day, you will soar. I love you and when you fall asleep at night, you will hear my prayers whispering to you throughout the night. The future doesn't want you to hurry, just enjoy the present. You'll be here one day. Treat the earth kindly, for your children and their children and so on, need a place to explore their journey's. We will meet in our dreams but by day, as you take a step forward, so will I. We will truly compare notes when we leave this life. I have so much more to tell you, but we'll save that for another time. Until we meet again....

Cheers,

Denise

The Bridge to Anywhere

Who am I? I don't know, that depends on which angle you observe me from and what your perspective is. If I have to analyze myself from my own perspective, I'd say I'm many things. From one angle, I'm a therapist. From another angle, I'm a mother of three. From another angle, I'm a camp director. From yet another angle, I'm a writer and artist and teacher. From afar, you might think I have it all together. Observe me up close and I might seem lost, trying to read an old fashioned map to figure out which road to take in life. I'm many things of course, as we all are. From another persons perspective, I might be some of those things or none, depending on many factors. We only see small parts of each other. How many people would you say really know you? I'm surprised at how often people just aren't listening. I don't mind sharing things about myself. I'm an open book for the most part. However, half way through the sentence, people change the subject or are distracted. It's tough getting to know one another if you aren't listening. Many don't even ask. They live with each other and never talk or inquire. They live in silence. Many people prefer it that way. I people watch and sitting in public, you will observe people having dinner, saying nothing to one another. I also observe some couples and families chatting and laughing. I love watching families enjoy each others company, even for a moment. I've realized that there are no perfect families. We are all a mess really. Every family has secrets, lies, dysfunction, alcoholism, mental illness, fear, worry, doubt, anger and of course loss. Those things lurk somewhere in the shadows in the immediate or extended family system. The lesson is for us to figure out the road map, and to take different roads than taken before to learn from our families. Many families keep going in circles, repeating the dysfunction endlessly. It's a road they know all too well, but it leads to the same destination....nowhere. The other option means change. It doesn't mean running away (that leads nowhere as well). It means looking at the map and your options with intention and reflection. Purposefully refusing to engage in old patterns, not taking the same dead end road, is healthy. What does that look like? It looks like you are beginning to go back in a circle, repeating a pattern you have lived before, but instead you take a new road, a bridge to a new place, a different experience and an unknown destination. You know the family is still going in circles, but you choose a new path and it liberates you from the cycle of dysfunction. You set the tone for them, that change is possible, or perhaps one of your family members has already taken a new path and they demonstrate to you, that change is possible. All dynamics are cyclical in nature. Energy spins in circles, yet the challenge is to shift the energy to uplift and expand, rather than constrict and trap. Everything is energy. Emotion, dynamics, behaviors, and thoughts are all energy. The moment you were born, you were introduced into an energetic cycle with your family system. No matter what the circumstances were, even in adoption. It's all a cycle that you either participate in continuing or you shift out of. Think about it. Reflect on patterns in your life. Ever feel like things circle back, and you feel like you are repeating a pattern? Ever tell yourself (or a family member tell you) that you have to do something a certain way, because that's how its always done in our family? Each circle back is a new opportunity to change the dynamic and to observe how far you've come. Circling back around doesn't mean you haven't shifted. Only you can tell whether you're merely visiting a familiar place or stuck there. There is a distinct difference. Take your map and venture out of town, away from an old pattern and don't worry about how others view you. Get to know yourself and set yourself free. If any behavior, addiction, fear, or doubt is trapping you, figure out the steps you need to take to be free. Being free means that you embrace change and you have endless options. Don't worry, you can always walk back to that familiar street you've lived on, but instead of feeling stuck three, you get to visit with a new perspective and an appreciation that life is one big lesson in freedom. Nothing traps us ever, unless you choose it to.

Open or closed?

It's a new day, a new opportunity and a chance to see things from a different perspective. I love waking up each day knowing that it is a reset of sorts and a way to see something that you didn't see before. Of course you have to be open to this process. If you are closed, then each day is just a continuation of the last and the days blur into one another. As I've gotten older, I can more easily see peoples misery written on their faces. When I was younger, I didn't see beyond facades as well as I can now. I'm not sure if it's because my intuition has become more acute, or if it's because I've peeled away so many layers myself, that I am just more grounded in truth. Whatever the reasons, I'm astounded at how many people are running from themselves. Young people can hide behind their youthful looks but their behavior is often their tale-tale sign that they are spinning out of control. Older adults are often more restrained in their behaviors and become better at playing their roles, but their anguish is written in the lines in their faces, the look in their eyes and in how they carry themselves. People who are miserable are stuck. Being upset, sad, hurt and angry are emotions that people can cycle through easily if they are in touch and open. Those who are closed, hold onto those feelings and they become locked in their own fortresses of pain. It's sad because unfortunately, misery loves company and those people tend to lash out onto those around them. If you are open, then don't let those in misery contaminate you. You can love them from a distance and send them blessings but by all means, protect yourself. Chances are, someone closed wouldn't even be reading this blog, or they'd roll their eyes while reading an entry. But if by chance, a closed person wandered here by mistake or out of curiosity, you can change if you are open to the process. The process is simple actually. All change just requires the first step...wanting to change. Being open to change means simply embracing a new path, and a new way of seeing things. You don't even have to know how to get there yet. The answers always come when you need them and the direction illuminates itself, if you just remain open. Practice feeling open, or if you are open, then visualize yourself opening up even more! Embrace all that can come your way, rather than making demands or cracking the door open only slightly and wondering why nothing is changing. Push the door open all the way, and let life happen! Know also, that sometimes the universe sends you something you need the most but it's not what you asked for. Trust the process. From now on, when you fall asleep at night, let the day slip away with gratitude. Then, set your intention for new things to come your way and be open to seeing things in a new light. That way, each day offers a new chance and life begins to feel exciting again, with countless possibilities. The other option....remain closed and life feels lifeless, stagnation sets in and misery attempts to color everything. Open = opportunity. It's always your choice...are you open to it?

Life is a Battlefield

Life isn't always easy, in fact, it's a series of challenges. Sure, some people seem to have a charmed life, but I believe that even those that seem to have it easy, may just be good at detaching. Anyone in touch with their emotions knows this: That life is a series of ups and downs; Being happy is a matter of perspective and lastly; That true connections are rare and are often taken for granted. We live in a transitory world, where information comes fast and peoples loyalties can change as quickly as the tides. I adore children because they are our future. How do we teach them to hold onto their integrity, their honor and their hopefulness in a world that often teaches them the opposite? I know I'm a dreamer, but this world needs more hopefulness. I'm now over the half way point in my life and when you get past the half way mark, you begin to really reflect about things. I feel like I've progressed yet still have so much to learn. When I was a teenager, I was a hopeless romantic and I believed in love. Then life happened. I found myself in a series of relationships, which seemed less about love and mostly ended up leaving me feeling lost. I don't want to lose that part of me, the woman that loves from the heart with abandon. Yet, I too struggle with holding onto hope. I fight the hopelessness daily, combating it like a soldier heading into battle. I arm myself with armor, not enough to hide but enough to shield myself from the harsh realities in life that attempt to break my spirit. I use my wit and humor to diffuse the hurts and gratitude to dodge the negativity. There are days that I sure wish I could bury my head under the covers to hide from some of the hardships I've had to contend with. I can't though, because I cannot surrender, no matter how much I sometimes would love to wave the white flag. I'm too competitive to give in and give up. So I head into battle by waking up and being a good soldier. I imagine that soldiers in war must have to find some higher purpose to forge on, even when their worlds are crumbling around them. It's a true testament of our spirit. My battleground may be more of a cold war, one with spies and allies, but I choose to approach life with the optimism of a child and the sense and strength of a General. We can teach our children hope, by letting them dream while giving them practical tools to navigate life's mine fields successfully. Maybe my biggest error was that I didn't know that mine fields and enemies existed. My optimism left me vulnerable and naive. I wish I had been sufficiently warned. Maybe it would have saved me some near fatal wounds, or maybe not. Perhaps I wouldn't have listened or believed the warnings. I guess this goes back to life's ups and downs, and that we all must learn in our own way. So this life and this war remains like all wars, with no winners and no losers. Nobody ever really wins in battle. There are only survivors, and as a survivor, I will become stronger from the experience. Since happiness is a perspective, even in my moments of sadness, I choose happiness. I suppose the naive girl in me does still exist with the strong General at her side. That's life...the duality of strength and innocence, war and peace and of course....love and loss.

Gotta Flirt!

Why flirt? Well, flirting is a dialogue between two people attracted to each other. It's especially important for couples in long term relationships, to help them work on the art of flirting. If you have no desire to flirt, or you can barely stand your partner, then of course flirting will be virtually impossible. If however, you are pretty happy with your partner but things have gotten a bit boring, perhaps it's time to create a bit more passion in your relationship by flirting. I bet you flirted in the beginning? Most people pour their all into the beginning of a relationship and then kick back and coast, once things are solid. That's a big mistake. Although it's certainly wonderful to be secure in a relationship and feel like you can be yourself, you also have some potential barriers, due to being so darn comfortable with one another. Once you are comfortable, you might not dress to impress anymore. You might not shave as often, or groom as meticulously, plus you might have progressed onto the burp and other bodily noises category, which were absent in the beginning. Those things aren't romantic and that means, flirting needs to be a conscious act, geared at preserving and increasing attraction between committed partners. Many men think flirting is ridiculous. Of course players (male or female) know the power of flirtation works. You don't have to be a player though, to improve your flirtation skills. Look guys, women love flirting and it's a precursor to becoming intimate. Women need to be seduced generally, and flirting is a subtle way to let her know that you are attracted to her way before lights out. This is a win-win situation. You win because she feels more attractive and she wins, because she then becomes more attracted to you as a result. What are basic types of flirting? Compliments, calling her sexy or baby, telling her you are thinking about her, surprising her with a flower, and any type of attentive gesture. If you have never been good at flirting or you just feel plain awkward flirting, start out small with a text. You do not have to write poems, love songs or be a romeo to flirt. Just be sincere and make an effort. This also goes for the women too. Some women have a tough time flirting and many more women have a tough time receiving compliments as well. Just don't neglect the simple art of flirting with one another. It really does pay off in the end, with both partners feeling increased closeness and appreciation for one another. If flirting is dead in your relationship and you have no desire to resurrect it, then flirtation advice will be as beneficial as trying to sell snow to an Eskimo. For the rest of you, let the flirting begin!