THE FALL

It was a typical work day for me in Connecticut. I had already seen four clients and it was time for a quick cup of coffee. It was a warm spring day and I took advantage of my ten minute break in between clients to walk down to Dunkin Donuts to get my usual dose of caffeine. I was walking back to my office, enjoying my quick break when suddenly everything went black. The next hour was a blur, but I quickly came to and realized that I was on the pavement and my knees and hands were stinging, yet I felt numb. I was disoriented and I was attempting to figure out what had occurred while I was trying to also recover from the embarrassment of falling. I tried to act like everything was alright and attempted to stand up, but each time I stood up, I'd start to feel dizzy again. I layed on the grass in front of my office for hours for what felt like hours, but it probably was less than a half an hour. Time felt surreal and I felt, dare I say, not quite in my body. I was aware as the stinging in my hands and knees got worse, that I was bleeding. I knew I had to get help. I slowly got myself to my office doors and opened the entry door, and there was my client, shocked to see me in this state. She recounts that I looked extremely pale and out of it. I still could not stand up, so she told me to lay on the carpet and she proceeded to cal 911. The fire truck came and paramedics showed up rather quickly and they checked my vitals. Being stubborn, I refused to let them transport me to the hospital and I agreed to let my client drop me off at the local emergency room. I remember thinking, on the way t the ER, that this is all so silly. How could I have fallen like that? I don't remember tripping. Why was I still feeling strange? My client dropped me off and I sat for several hours, waiting to be seen by a doctor, plenty of time to think.
    I sat there, slowly coming back to myself. I sat there without any distractions and I reflected on my life. I disliked the weight I had ballooned to and knew that drinking coffee, skipping meals and then eating meals late at night as well as lack of exercise, had finally caught up to me. I worried for a moment that I might have created a health problem and I knew at 42 years of age, with three young kids, that I should focus more on my own health. How did this happen? I use to be in shape and healthy before having children. How could I preach to clients, day in and day out, the importance of balance, when my own life was not in balance? Finally at some point, my husband and children showed up at the hospital and I hugged my kids up and promised them that mommy was going to be alright. Once I was seen by the doctor, I was no longer dizzy and the doctor surmised that it was probably low good sugar, but that I should follow up with my doctor the next day just to be sure. I agreed, but secretly I had devised my own plan: to get back into shape and to lose the weight I had gained. The very next day was the start of my new life and I walked into the Jenny Craig center with determination and a focus I hadn't felt in years.
    I was a little nervous walking into Jenny Craig because it meant that I was admitting that I needed help and I did not like admitting that easily. I also meant that I had to admit that I was overweight, which was a tough pill to swallow. I had slowly gained weight during the years of having children. With each child, came another 15 or so pounds I didn't take off, which eventually added up. If you asked me then if I liked my body, I would have readily admitted "no." I wore so much black, trying to camouflage the weight that one day, my daughter blurts out that she couldn't believe I was seeing clients in the Bahamas. "What are you talking about," I said to my daughter. She said she thought I was wearing my work uniform while we were in the Bahamas, because I was wearing a black t-shirt and black shorts. Needless to say, I wore way too much black, which reflected my embarrassment of my weight and my need to hide. I knew I couldn't hide anymore, and the recent fall on the pavement had woken me up to the fact that it was time to change the way I had been doing things. The manager  of Jenny Craig took my name and said that a consultant would be right with me. "Okay," I said....as I thought for a split second that I really didn't belong here, as denial started to attempt to creep back in and I could still get out of here before they call my name. Then, they called my name and it was too late. They measured my various body parts and asked me to get onto the scale. This was the moment of truth. I hadn't actually weighed myself on purpose for years, although I was forced to during each of my pregnancies. I weighed in at 205 and I couldn't believe it. "Oh my gosh," I thought to myself in disbelief. My focus became clear very quickly and my frustration at being over 200 pounds, helped motivate me to stick to my goal....to take my life back.