Our Escape

Every part of my body is sore right now. This has very little to do with the cancer and everything to do with being on my feet 12 hours a day over the past week at camp. My right foot, the one that had the tumor removed surgically on May 31st, was hurting on and off. That is to be expected. Parts of my foot are still numb from the surgery however. I know that many loved ones are having a tough time with my two part plan, chemo and then right foot - below the knee amputation. I have read many articles about this and the reality is, there is still cancer in my right foot. My tumor was 5.6cm and removed improperly. Once you tamper with Synovial Sarcoma, cells go rogue. Besides that, the original source of the cancer is my right foot, and tumors often reoccur in the original site. I don't like the sound of an amputation either, but I have been preparing myself for that very likely outcome, ever since I was given this diagnosis. Once you've been given a diagnosis like mine, you look at everything very differently. My world will never be the same. All I can do is embrace everything I am to learn, experience and teach others about this process, otherwise I drown in despair. 

Camp is over and now the kids and I need a little rest and relaxation together before chemo starts. We are flying out tonight to the east coast, heading to Saranac Lake, New York. Perhaps if I was being rational, I'd save the money but suddenly, spending a week with my kids in a place that we go to every summer, seems like the most rational thing to do. Saranac Lake is our sanctuary, a place filled with memories and it allows us a temporary escape from the insanity we are facing when we return. Ironically, Saranac Lake and the Adirondacks was introduced to me 26 years ago, when I was hired to be the camp counselor/nanny for a family at their summer lake house. The grandmother who hired me, had cancer, and she wanted me to entertain her grandchildren, so that their summer could be filled with fun. I worked for them for 5 years and spent five summers hiking, swimming and canoeing with her grandchildren, and I did my best to make sure the grandchildren had the time of their lives. The grandmother eventually passed away during those five years, but she taught me the importance of making sure the children had traditions and fun, especially when life gets hard. In a twist of fate, I now head to Saranac Lake with my own children, to swim, hike, play cards, and have ice cream at our favorite ice cream stand. I know we cannot escape the reality of our situation and we all know it exists, no matter how much we want to forget. My kids cry randomly, and they tell me they're scared when nobody else is around, so the reality of what is going on in their world is not escaping them. Sometimes though, we need healthy distractions to put some wind in our sails when we need it most, to help us feel like all things are possible.