Leaving Eden

Alright, I am a bit hung over from that semi sugar binge I went on last night, consuming a box of Hot Tamales. I know a box doesn't sound like much but I really don't eat a lot of sugar so trust me, one box is more than enough to send me on a sugar high. My treat for today might be Thin Mints (stored nicely in the freezer), since Girl Scout cookies arrived yesterday. Okay, back to serious contemplation. Believe it or not, the story of the garden of Eden kept crossing my mind, so I did some Google searching. Specifically, I did some research about the Kabbalah, the Tree of Life and the story of Adam and Eve. The Kabbalah teaches that "God’s blessings flow to the world through the Tree of Life when there is ethical behavior among humans. God and humankind are interdependent.... Thus, we are 'co-creators with God Itself." In addition, according to The Kabbalah "a person must metaphorically and spiritually ascend the 10 points of the Tree of Life to reunite with the Divine. As one increases his or her spiritual capabilities, one increases the capacity to contain more of the Light pouring down through these 10 emanations, and so draws nearer to the Creator....Thus, the Tree of Life both symbolizes the Divine Being, and offers the way back for humans to be reunited with the source from whence he came." I love the idea of that. With that in mind, we are all rebuilding our vessels and climbing a metaphorical ladder back to the divine within. "In Kabbalah, Adam and Eve are viewed as symbols of male and female energy and as metaphor for the 'primordial Vessel whose existence' came before creation, thus encompassing all the souls of humanity to come. The presence of the Serpent, considered a fragmenting force, was necessary for creation; otherwise, all would unite with God. This gave man the opportunity of earning the Light on his own. One of the hidden meanings of the story is that there are two Gardens of Eden, one above, and one below, and reuniting these two Gardens is the goal of humankind. ...everything, including evil, has divine nature. Adam and Eve took a second bite of the fruit, done out of self-serving motives, thus short-circuiting their ability to receive the fullness of the Creator’s Light and moving them back to the material level with a knowledge of death and evil. God’s command that Adam must now work the land was not literal; rather, it meant that he must rebuild the Vessel of yourself through your own work in the world." That certainly sums up much of what I've been writing over the past year and a half, that we are all in lesson...growing more emotionally and spiritually with each lesson we tackle. "As in the Eastern religions, Kabbalah teaches reincarnation, the belief that we die and are reborn, living many lives, ever seeking to advance spiritually. We are in a process of repairing our broken vessels, which may take many lifetimes. When a critical mass of humanity spiritually advances, it tips the scale in favor of all humanity, and will bring us back to a connection with the immortality we had before the fall. We all have sparks of the Divine and are shards, albeit broken ones, of the original Vessel in the Garden. We can fix ourselves, regain what was lost. Our days spent doing good deeds are 'woven into a garment of splendor that will clothe the soul as she enters God’s presence in the world to come. There are three ways to ascend to higher consciousness: study and scrutiny of behavior; [today's psychology & personality assessments?] seclusion, contemplation, and soul-searching; and having a constant awareness of the implications of everything one does." This version of Adam and Eve makes more sense to me, metaphorically speaking. The idea that Adam and Eve meant well and were always searching for the light, albeit through an error in judgement, teaches all of us that we can be reunited with the divine light with continued work and effort. Isn't the idea anyway that Eden is a place to be found inside of us, not outside of us. Many people have created their own version of Eden with money and comforts, yet many are still seeking, feeling lost, broken, empty and disempowered. Money cannot create Eden. Denial cannot create Eden either. Many live behind facades, hiding their misery and pain. I see now how Eden is a state of awareness and a light that shines brightly within. Living of and in the world is no easy task sometimes. That is where the lessons are learned however, in a world full of challenges, tests and deceptions. Hey, if climbing the spiritual/emotional ladder was so easy, then we'd have no true sense of the growth it took to get there. The hardest lessons seem to garner the most self improvement and insight. I certainly know that from those gut wrenching moments I have had, those moments that tears are streaming down my face and I am raw and completely open, I have advanced emotionally by leaps and bounds. I truly cry my tears in gratitude now, knowing that I was offered yet another lesson helping to advance my soul on this journey I am on. Finding Eden within is the goal then...to take each step with vigilance, awareness and care and to know that we each affect each other profoundly, mirroring each other's lessons to help one another in this life. Everything happens for a reason, to show us from moment to moment, what we still need to learn and thus what we have attracted to help us grow the most.

The Heart Speaks

Another Valentine's Day has passed and it is interesting as I reflect about how much has shifted for me since last Valentine's Day. Okay, last year I happily trekked to Target and bought some of my favorite things as a way of honoring myself on Valentine's. I spouted about how it doesn't matter whether men participate in this very marketed day and how women should just expect nothing. I might have changed my tune ever so slightly. Alright, although it is a Hallmark day for sure, there is something sweet about a day that is all about the heart. I loved seeing red hearts everywhere and my five year old was so extremely excited to go to school Monday because he was anticipating his Valentine's Day party. My kids came home from school yesterday with their bags full of cards and candy and they were over joyed by the simplicity of giving and receiving Valentine's. They were even excited to give me the homemade cards they had made expressing how much they love me and saying "you're the bestest mommy in the whole wide world." Hey, even if Valentine's Day is over marketed, I don't care because it is a day to truly honor love. Should we honor love every day? Of course...but one day purely dedicated to paying homage to love is alright with me. Now, even though I have come to expect nothing on Valentine's (thus no pressure for any man I might be dating), I was happily surprised when a man I am seeing said, "We are celebrating Valentine's Day!" I wasn't sure that I had heard him correctly at first. "Say what?" Yes indeed...I had heard correctly and it turns out that some men out there willingly (and without hints or coercion) participate in Valentine's Day. That was a nice surprise. By the way, that is a far cry from another guy I was chatting with at some point who told me that he stops dating during the month of February so as to avoid Valentine's Day altogether. I think I prefer the romantic. I am a hopeless romantic after all and even though I would never put pressure on anyone to celebrate Valentine's, it sure warmed my heart when my date wanted to celebrate honoring the heart with me. He even took it a step further and gave me the traditional dozen roses....which impressed me immensely. Nothing wrong with traditional after all because there is something completely chivalrous about it really. I'm very glad that I expected nothing however because anything I received was a complete surprise and totally appreciated. Symbolically, the image for this blog of a heart drawn in the snow, says it all really. Love can melt our hearts, keep us warm through the coldest nights and give us hope. “Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses"...(Lao Tzu). Here's to another year of honoring the energy of love and may every day be Valentine's Day.

Being A Tomboy

My seven year old daughter is perhaps one of the biggest tomboys I have ever seen. She wears boys clothes and is often mistaken as a boy. Many people say, "Ahhh-look at your three boys." She use to love it when people thought she was a boy. She is a girl who just happened to have been born with a lot of masculine energy. She's a natural at sports and can wrestle her brothers easily. Something lately has been shifting in her however, a stirring that is slowly growing, attempting to acclimate to the feminine body that she was born with. She asked to have her ears pierced last month (which I complied with) because she decided that it was time that others could see that she is a girl. She wears those earrings with pride. She listens attentively when people talk about their daughters having been big tomboys as kids only to turn into the biggest girlie girls once they are adults. She woke up this morning and insisted on making all of the boys and myself breakfast. She spent hours making anything everyone requested from bagels to pancakes. She clearly loved taking care of everyone. I smiled to myself knowing that some female energy is taking hold. I told her though, that if one of the boys dared to be rude or doesn't say thank you let alone complain, you tell them that they can just get up and make their own breakfast! Too many women think that serving others also means putting up with rude behavior. Heck no!! Serving others is a gift and needs to be appreciated, otherwise don't hesitate smiling and firmly saying "if you complain-that will be the last breakfast I ever cook for you." So many women do way too much for men then get their feelings hurt when the guys are rude. Rude behavior should not be rewarded, ever. No need to get all wounded about it, just refuse to bend over backward for that guy. A lot of women actually act masculine (by doing, chasing and giving) early in dating without realizing it. It does feel good to give but women need to sit back and receive. In addition, men like to feel needed and as if they have a job, so let them give. I know women who have baked cookies, made soup and put together care packages for guys they just started dating. Big no-No's!!!! Women need to embrace their inner tomboys more. The tomboy in me came out in my adult years. I was a bit too timid and insecure as a girl to fully allow the tomboy in me to blossom. As I grew in my confidence, the tomboy part of me naturally came bubbling forth. I love sporting a baseball cap and my big hiking boots. I take risks, certainly assert myself and nurture the masculine in me which makes me feel much more balanced. Sure, I can dress up like a girlie girl and bask in feminine energy but watch out because hiding behind all of that femininity is a very strong woman. My grandmothers were strong women too. Both of them were business owners and they had to be in charge of everything when the men went off to war. My mom had to find an inner tomboy because she raised my sisters and I for many years without a man around. In fact, if you look at history, women throughout the ages had to secretly be tomboys to raise kids, hold down jobs, tend to farms, cook, clean and just about everything else because men were off hunting, in the military or at work. Many men perished in wars and battles which left women completely alone to be the heads of households. Now, divorces make women uncover their inner tomboy because they have to find the strength to juggle being mommies as well as learning how to tend to the car, fix just about everything and all that it takes to run a household alone. Although I like that my daughter enjoyed making breakfast for everyone, I equally nurture my boys to do the same thing. My kids are hopefully learning that boys and girls don't have to be restricted by gender roles at all. Boys can be nurtured to feel, express emotions and help out around the house and girls can be tough, rough and play as hard as any boy can. Even though my daughter is a tomboy, she changes clothes several times a day and actually chooses her boy t-shirts carefully and with pride. There is some girl in her after all. We are all a little like the picture my daughter chose for this blog. The pink tree changes considerably throughout the year depending on the season. In the summer it is green and full then loses its leaves in the fall. In the winter it is covered in snow and in the spring, new life unfolds and the pink emerges. We are all multi faceted and have different sides that spring forth depending on various factors. I'd like to think that all women are really tomboys. Some though are too insecure and have not yet discovered their hidden tomboy, full of potential inner strength. "I've always been a very outdoors sort of girl. I'm more a tomboy than a girly girl'...(Yvonne Strahovski). "I've always been like that. I was a tomboy when I was a kid, so I was always playing baseball and basketball and football and stuff as a kid with the boys"...(Catherine Bell). "People think I'm trying to make a fashion statement because I never wear a bra. It's really that I'm a tomboy at heart"...(Cameron Diaz). "Well, because I'm naturally a tomboy, when I have sleepovers with girls, they end up going home and crying"...(Alexa Vega).

He Says-She Says

“I don't care if you're four feet tall and have one eye. If you can make women laugh consistently and get those good feelings flowing through them, they'll love you"...(David DeAngelo). "A man who wants to give needs a woman who is willing to receive. And for most of us, love only feels like it's happening when we give"...(Rori Raye). I received my daily e-mails from the various dating guru's today. Of course they try the hard sell for people to buy their e-books and practically install the fear of god in you if you don't buy their programs. Now, people do not need to buy those programs but do often need some coaching when it comes to dating and relationships. I am a therapist and all I can say is even after counseling many hundreds of men and women and logging in countless hours listening to both sides discuss their relationship issues, I am still learning more every day. The male advice today: to never tell a woman how you feel. Hm mm....at first I couldn't believe it, the last thing men need is reinforcement to stay closed off emotionally. Then I read further and really processed the advice that he was dishing out. Essentially what he is saying is that when men say what they are feeling too soon, they kill the chemistry and come across too needy. He advises that men show how they feel, not say how they feel. The only part I disagree with is he believes that a guy stepping things up physically with a woman expresses how he feels. That depends on the guy. Some men can absolutely be physical with a woman and have no feelings for her. In fact, I have read many articles that say a woman should not assume a man has feelings for her just because he's sleeping with her. Other than that though, he is correct that somehow, for some reason, it creates better chemistry when a man does not say how he feels. Women like mystery and we like to have to wonder a little bit. That goes back to the fact that men show how they feel in the things they do for a woman. I've had countless guys reinforce that message to me, that they show the women they care about how they feel in all of the things they do for her. Once a couple is committed however and certainly once married, then some of the mystery is gone and it does seem appropriate for a man to express his feelings verbally. A man never has to go overboard though with his verbal expression and often a little goes a long way. Some problems occur however when men don't express themselves verbally and they stop doing things to show they care. Many women have complained to me that they don't seem to get any validation from their spouses that they care. Some men have related to me that they had wanted strong women so they married women who appeared more assertive and independent. Turns out that they were deceived by the assertiveness and those women turned out to be controlling and their assertiveness was just a facade hiding their fears and insecurities, perhaps more so than the obviously insecure women. Women also marry men who are wolves in sheep's clothing. Some men while dating shower women with attention and romancing but once they are married, these men become aloof and downright emotionally abusive. I guess that the saying..."if it seems too good to be true, then it just might be" could be correct after all. These dating sites give all sorts of advice for men and women to catch each other. The female site today advertises, "Let every man love you." The point of her advice...date as many men as you want, even if you have a boyfriend because a woman should not take herself off the market until she has a ring on her finger. It goes back to the fact I've repeated that men are trying to get women for the short term and women are trying for the long term. Not to say that there aren't guys sincerely looking for commitment too as well as women out looking for flings. None of the advice though asks men and women how they really feel and what they really want. Both male and female dating guru's do admit that you have to ultimately be comfortable with yourself to attract a healthy partner. I couldn't agree more. The female guru takes a supportive approach and advises women to put themselves on a pedestal and then to attract a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. The male guru practically berates men and basically says, "don't be a wuss and fake it until you make it." On a final note, I've had over 3,500 hits on my dating profile in six months which is more than I've had on this entire blog in a year and a half. Hm mm, I'm not sure what that says exactly except to quote some advice I received from one man on a dating site, "It's a numbers game, keep it simple and don't forget to have fun." Sometimes, that's easier said than done though....but when guys wink and e-mail me on Match who call themselves "tongue" or "psychoman"...you can bet I'll keep on looking.

Seeing Through The Dark

“Carve a tunnel of hope through the dark mountain of disappointment"...(Martin Luther King, Jr.). Whenever I meditate or do yoga, I always feel so much more grounded and centered. By going to a quiet place within, we see and feel things with clearer perception. Today I journeyed (Shamanic version of meditation) and went to yoga, so I finished the day with increased clarity. The darkness to me is the place we visit in dreams, daydreams and in our moments of silence. It's as if we see so much more clearly when we close our eyes. Our eyes and minds often play tricks on us, telling us stories and versions of truth that are not true. But, when we silence our minds and go within, we can feel the truth. I especially find this to be true with the people I meet. They may present themselves one way but something just doesn't feel right. Often people over ride their intuition with rational and end up hurt or exploited by people they should have never trusted. In addition, you just know that it's time to move on and let someone go from your life when you continue to feel worse in their presence. Of course, some relationships may need some work but continued pain is your gauge that something needs to be addressed or that the relationship is over. "The most valuable kind of discernment is emotional rather than intellectual. You will know who someone is by how you feel in their presence"...(Eric Francis). People often get disappointed by relationships or circumstances, but those experiences are meant to teach and often lead you to reevaluate, hope and dream until you reach your desired destination. Trust and intuition lights the way though. I remember when I was looking for a home in Connecticut. My intuition absolutely woke me up almost instantly, telling me that the time had come to sell our present home and look for a larger house (I was pregnant with my third child at the time). My only problem is that once I realize change is occurring, I get inpatient with the process. I initiated the hunt for the new home and started the process of getting our home on the market. I spent weekends going to open houses, had a realtor show me even more houses during the week and spent many hours on the Internet combing through homes. In each home I went to, I tried to imagine what it would be like living there. I was trying houses on, so to speak, trying to find the right match. It's not unlike dating actually. Some homes I knew the moment I saw them that they wouldn't fit and others, I'd get excited, wondering if this might be the one. I was getting to know me in the meantime....figuring out what I really wanted and learning to trust my intuition completely. It was tough for me because I would get inpatient. There were times I was willing to settle for a house that just didn't fit, because it was good enough. Something or someone would intervene however and guide me away from settling. The hunt continued. I finally found the right house and even though I loved it, I made excuses about how the home wouldn't work and I continued looking. The fact of the matter was that when the time was right, everything fell into place. Eight months after I began my search...I went back to the home that seemed perfect and this time everything felt right. Our home received an offer at the same time we made an offer on the new home and everything went relatively easily. I trusted my intuition completely from the beginning...but I had to learn to trust the process. This applies to relationships, jobs or just about anything in life. Seeing through the dark for me means seeing with one's heart but allowing the fact that the entire picture has yet to unfold. It is a message that came to me while hiking and journeying today, reminding me ever so clearly that answers will reveal themselves in time. My lesson....to always honor how I feel, to stay true to my hopes and dreams and to be patient while the process unfolds. As I look back, those eight months of looking for the house taught me a lot about life. In seeing so much of what I didn't want, I came to cherish even more profoundly, what just feels right to me. I learned that settling is never the answer and just a shortcut which only short changes you in the end. And I learned that time is relative and anything worthy in life is absolutely worth waiting for. "God's promises are like the stars; the darker the night the brighter they shine"...(David Nicholas).

The Midas Touch

"A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears"...(Woodrow Wyatt). I speak throughout my blog about relationships and how women want to be adored and desired. It is so true that women feel love and desire not in what they see so much but in what they hear. Men truly have so much power in their hands (or their mouths), if they truly know how to talk to a woman and how to really speak to her heart and her body. I have been learning so much lately, just from dating. I have also read some web sites designed to teach men about women. Some of the content is so laugh out loud funny. Men advise men on how to not be wimps, how to buck up and act like a man when they're with women and how to go on dates without spending a dime. Hmmm, I especially find that last one interesting. The author of the male site is just advising men that they don't always have to spring for lavish dinners, at least not until you're sure you might want to pursue the woman a bit more. Okay yes, sometimes women go out with men they are not interested in, just for the free dinner.....so the advice for men is understandable. The best tips for men however are about chemistry and desire. One guy practically yells at guys on the site to drive the point home that women do not feel desire in the same way men do. In a nutshell, he states that men feel attraction in what they see but women feel desire emotionally! The advice for men couldn't be truer, that you have to appeal to a woman's emotions, if you want her to desire you. The best thing I've learned through dating is that the Alpha men are the one's with the midas touch with women because they absolutely understand the concept of desire. I'm not talking about the bad boy, jerk Alpha males. Those Alpha males only care about themselves and use their bad boy status to hurt and use women. I'm also not talking about the Alpha males who hide behind alpha bravado because they are just as insecure as beta men, if not more insecure actually. Those guys use the Alpha thing as a game because they fear real connection and intimacy. No, I'm talking about the Alpha men who respect women and want them to feel safe and protected. The classy Alpha male knows that women feel desire internally, so these guys appeal to a woman's emotions. Some Alpha men take the game a bit far...but overall, they could teach all men a thing or two about how to create irresistible attraction with a woman. You see, an Alpha man is confident, secure and comes across like a man. He exudes masculinity and initiates his approach with care and determination. He may have to play a little aloof and mysterious to get your attention, but he plots every move with a clear intention. It may all seem like reverse psychology, act somewhat uninterested and get her attention. Yes, it's true...but it works. The Alpha male acts interested enough but never gives too much away at first. Women love mystery and are more attracted to someone who doesn't appear needy, wimpy or seeking approval. There is just something so animal instinct about it all really, but a chemical reaction occurs when a woman feels like a man is respectfully taking charge. Once an Alpha man has gotten a woman's attention then all he has to do is utter a few compliments or words of desire and he's got her. I know that I keep saying women want attention. They do, but too much attention and she doesn't buy it. Just enough attention, as long as it's sincere and genuine, she wants more and she wants you. I figured that if this Alpha stuff works in dating, why can't couples start using some Alpha techniques to jump start their sex lives. Now think about it, lets look at two approaches from the same husband. The man comes home from work and says, "Hey honey, ummm...if you feel like it, maybe we could have sex tonight?" The same man comes home, but uses an Alpha approach and says, "Baby~I want to make love with you tonight and give you so much pleasure until you can't take it anymore." Well let's see, which approach is more appealing to a woman? The second approach gets the woman's juices flowing immediately....and I mean on the spot. Her imagination is off and running and she feels desired. She just might attack you right then and there. If men just used their words more wisely, they could have women in the palms of their hands, literally and figuratively! Women aren't the consumers of porn like men are. Women visualize everything in their heads....so give women something to visualize. If you are in a partnership, tell a woman how much you desire her, what you want to do to her and how long you'll do it. If you're dating, you can use the same approach to make her feel more attraction toward you. Be careful because every word counts....and there is no need to go overboard. A few select words via text, e-mail, or verbally could be enough to get her going and like magic, you have the midas touch too. Overall, women find a man sexy who is self assured and confident, so guys, work on being comfortable with yourself. And ladies, whether you are in a partnership or single, figure out what you want and then communicate it clearly because the biggest complaint from men is about the numerous mixed messages you send them. “The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man"...(Madame de Stael).

The Invitation

This poem was given to me today and was wrtitten by: Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder. It is beautifully written and truly expresses the essence of love and partnership.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by its betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from God's presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, "Yes!" It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children. It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

He's Got Game

It is a new dating game alright! It's very interesting when you are conversing and flirting with someone intriguing and thanks to facebook, you get to see recent postings of jacuzzi escapades he is having with other women. This is a real story related to me today from a female client. Modern technology can be great but sure can complicate the dating game. It takes away the mystery of things when conquests are advertised so easily. Every guy however has got to have "game," his way of attracting and seducing a woman. If a guy has no game, then he's alone on weekend nights and ends up pretty frustrated. Even a guy playing the "I'm genuine" card is still using that to attract women. It is a game that men and women are playing and we can never forget that. It is a lot of pressure for men to have to initiate dating and sex. Think about it women....if we were completely in charge of dating, we'd have to come up with a strategy too. Not that there are not plenty of aggressive women out there, but overall, the chase begins with the guy. Women play games too. A women's game is her strategy of enticing men and keeping them interested. All too often women forget there is a game involved and drop their guards much too quickly, only to become prey to their hunters, without ever knowing what hit them. If men kept their game going long after the initial chase, then women might not complain so much about neglectful lovers and relationships would be more fulfilling. The same could be said for women. Being secure and committed in a relationship can be nice but women forget to keep their game going a bit. The bottom line is that men and women need to keep investing some of the energy they initially invested to attract the partner to keep the relationship passionate and interesting. Men are still the strategists initially. They are playing a masterful game of dating chess. Some girls give in too quickly without being much of a challenge and men quickly lose interest in them. Women can work on this by sharpening their "game" skills early on. Even if a couple has been together for a long time, men and women can and should challenge each other to keep things interesting. Women and men complain constantly to me that either can begin to take the 1-2-3 easy route to sex, once in established relationships, rather than continuing the erotic game of cat and mouse. Another frustration that women relate to me is how they crave emotional closeness in relationships and look forward to the calls, texts and e-mails. Men however control the emotional game initially, while women control the sexual pacing. A good strategist knows just how much to give to keep someone interested. That's why calls, texts and e-mails from guys can peak and wane depending on their strategy. Some guys feed the emotional card, lavishing the woman with calls until they get what they want. Later on down the line, women complain "they use to call me all the time, now they never call!" Does not take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Once the relationship becomes secure, the long calls and texts fade. Other guys play the "aloof" card. They create a desire by not always being available. They give a little emotional closeness only to disappear off the radar, creating mystery. Women complain that those guys confuse them. That game can stir up desire but can backfire on them because women often become frustrated with that game and move on if the guy plays that game too long. Another type of game is "the romantic." Those guys will charm the pants off of you, practically telling you they are Romeo and you are Juliet. They will promise or perhaps deliver some pampering and romancing. Some romancers will play that card until they get what they want, then turn aloof. The bottom line...everybody's got game!! In the process of the games and the chase, people do fall in love. Others catch a mate only to discover that the chase was the appeal and it turns out to be a bad match. All of dating begins with a game however and hopefully some much needed chemistry. So, get your game on! Be as genuine as one can be while playing the game and never to forget to have fun while playing it. If the game is fun and couples make each other laugh as well as keeping each other on their toes, then you've got a good start to something. Men and women aren't so different after all. We all really want to have fun, be inspired, challenged and have some physical intimacy along the way. We may go about the game differently, but life is a game....you just need to learn how to play it with an open heart.

The Hardest Goodbye

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened"...(Dr. Seuss). I am counting the days before we start our cross country trip from the east coast to the west coast. We only have 3 more days until we depart. Our planned stops include Memphis, Dallas, Santa Fe, Mesa Verde, The Grand Canyon, Sedona, Joshua Tree and finally Thousand Oaks, CA. It is a real pilgrimage of sorts for me. I have come full circle over the past 20 years. The lost California girl found her way to the east coast and in the process, found herself. On the east coast, I integrated the importance of history, culture, family, security and life experience. Now as I weave my way back to California, I am forever changed. I head back to my home state with an open heart and the excitement of new adventures. In the process however, I am having to say goodbye to some cherished people and places. I worked and lived in or near New York City for the first eight years of my stay on the east coast. I adore New York City. I learned to live comfortably without a car, loved visiting SoHo, art galleries and taking the subway. I met a lot of diverse and amazing people while living there. I became accustomed to hearing honking horns, day and night. I jogged around Central Park, watched concerts in the park and enjoyed trying new restaurants. I witnessed countless homeless people living on the streets and almost got mugged once, but a good Samaritan grabbed the guy and got my backpack back. People often knew I was not from New York City because I heard many comments that I was just too nice to have been raised there. The buzz and activity in the city was exciting and living there was a unique experience that I will always cherish. I've been living in Connecticut for the past 12 years. I love having the ability to still take the train into NYC as well as the convenience of driving in any direction and crossing state lines in an hour or so. The coastline in Connecticut is very different from California. The beaches are rough and rocky. There are no waves and sometimes the water can look anything but pleasing to swim in. It sure is pretty to look at however. I've found some favorite hikes and places to visit in Vermont, upstate New York, Rhode Island and Cape Cod. The east coast is filled with history and beautiful architecture. The seasons are breathtaking and when each season is at it's peak, it is a glorious sight to see. Since I knew that this past year would be my last here, I took special notice of absolutely everything around me...every tree, flower, vista, became accentuated. Sometimes we pass the most beautiful sights every day, but do not notice the spectacular beauty right in front of us. Regarding people, I have to say good-bye to some very special souls. Hopefully, I can handle the goodbyes a bit better than I did 20 years ago. To all of the friends, clients, co-workers and friendly souls I have met while living here...I say thank you from the depth of my heart and soul. You have all touched my life in some way and hopefully, I affected you positively in some way too. We all help each other along the way and I have grown and learned tremendously from each and every one of you. So goodbye east coast....you will always be in my heart and now you are a part of who I have become. Thank you for the heartfelt memories. “May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand"...(Irish Blessing). “Don't be dismayed at goodbyes, a farewell is necessary before you can meet again and meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends"...(Richard Bach).

Navigating Desire

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"...(Billy Crystal). How is it that men and women ever get together? I suppose that sexual energy is the driving force of course, but we are so different. After counseling so many women, I hear their frustrations with dating, relationships and sex. I am currently on vacation and I have my 25 year old babysitter along with me. She has been telling me numerous guy stories that make my head spin. I am getting flashbacks to my 20's, when I was dating a lot and just like her, I had my horror stories about the dating scene. One thing I always hated about it...the insincerity. I know that's how it works, right? Men tell women "lines" and try to get them into bed...and oh yeah, they'll take you on a date if they have to. It all goes back to sex. Women get frustrated with the whole thing too, because they don't trust (understandably) and feel like the next piece of meat at the deli counter. No woman wants to feel like she is the next conquest. The whole thing sets up for a lot of frustration between the sexes. Now, it does not help when women are pandering themselves like objects and wonder why men only want sex from them. Come on ladies, men want sex no matter what....you don't have to brand yourself and tie a ribbon around your neck. What do women want? They want to feel special and that the guy they are talking to, sincerely finds something unique about them. Ditch the canned pick-up lines guys and actually pay attention to the girl you are talking to. If you notice one unique thing about her, compliment her on it. Women eat up compliments like children devour candy. Sex may be the short term goal but guys, you are being a bit short sighted. If you put some effort into the art of seduction and not take the "Dummies Guide to the Pick-up" version, you'd get a lot more from women. Women should be treated as goddesses. Yes you heard me correctly. Back in ancient civilizations, women were revered and honored. Feminine power is the route of creation. If it were not for women, men would never be born. Every man and woman on this planet was created in the womb of a woman. There is nothing more amazing than that. Women are divine and should be treated as such. Men are amazing too. They are the force of creation and masculine energy is expansive and vital. Men and women are meant to compliment each other and balance....the yin and the yang. Men should act more respectful toward women. When it comes to dating, even though the sexual energy is impossible to deny, they should be more sincere in their approach. Seduce a woman with effort and genuine desire (not just to selfishly get one's own needs met) and you can have a lover, not just a one night fling. You'd get a lot more sex from a lover than from having to exert the effort again and again, seducing different women. Women need to stop seeing themselves as objects and revere themselves as goddesses too. The women settling for bad sex and condoning bad behavior from men, give all women a bad name. Guys, make an effort always with women and she will be more likely to please you in return. After a date, let alone sex, make that phone call or text, just to show you are still thinking about her. Don't worry, she won't think that you want to marry her because you acted respectfully. I've heard countless stories of guys totally blowing a girl off after sex....only to call weeks later, with their tail between their legs because suddenly "I was thinking about you." Sure, a bottle of vodka will do that! Ladies, hang up the phone or lose their number if they dare to treat you so poorly. Don't take it personally, just use it as much needed knowledge of the character of that guy and move on. Regarding women, a healthy sex life can be a wonderful thing. Women need to decide what they want in their sexual lives. Women desire sex as much as men do, but often do not set the needed parameters or boundaries with men. Regarding men, they want emotional closeness as much as women do, but often disguise that need in shallow sex and defenses. So, the battle of the sexes continues. My advice, more respect for each other and the need for balance to be restored...because when a man and woman are in synch, the mystery of life unveils itself. “Sex is more than an act of pleasure, its' the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you're a part of them"...(author unknown).

I Am Me

The journey of insight and awareness is about understanding ourselves more deeply and profoundly. I watch people hide parts of themselves for years until the surface cracks open and their true selves can no longer hide. It is a spectacular sight to watch people come into their own and begin to embrace their true selves. Not unusually, others around them are uneasy by the changes, because others hide their true selves too and cannot believe that you would dare to break out and not allow others opinions to hinder you any longer. I see this frequently in rigid family systems. When an adult child dares to divorce for instance, the families close ranks and blame the person daring to change. It is often difficult for the alienated person, but with continued growth, strength and courage, they do not allow the family system to push them back into their old roles. With all of the issues my family system has, they were actually very supportive about my growth and the decision to divorce. I guess that's where I am fortunate that there has been so much divorce in my family. When I told my mom about divorcing, she said...."Well, I'm not one to talk about divorces, so know that we are here for you no matter what." Others have a harder journey on that front. Many get blasted with judgements and blame from parents, in-laws, friends, co-workers and even strangers. Again, people judge what scares them or what they have been led to believe through their own upbringing. It goes back to gaining strength however, from adversity and challenges. The journey of "I am me" is about digging deeper to who you are and not allowing others to dictate or control your journey any longer. The journey of "I am" has been unfolding with great strength this past year for me. Now, I sit in a practically empty house, since my belongings are on route to California. I've been saying good-bye to friends and finalizing the move. This past year has been the worse year and the best year of my life. What an interesting reflection, that sometimes the most difficult times are also freeing and wonderful. Last December, it felt like I would never reach this moment in time, yet here I am! I not only survived, but I feel better than ever. So who am I now? I am earth mother. I nurture myself and three young spectacular souls who are growing, learning and experiencing life, adventures and figuring out who they are. I am a warrior. I stand up for myself and protect what I know is right. I am love. I illuminate the strength of my heart by feeling, expressing and sharing the love that I feel. I am wind. I head in new directions and allow my heart to guide me. I am water. I go with the flow, am unyielding when necessary and still and reflective, to listen to the guidance springing forth from within. My journey takes on new sights, people and terrain soon, but I will always be willing to blossom new facets of myself as I experience new things along the way. Never stop growing, otherwise....you just remain stagnant. “I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay"...(Virginia Satir).

Strong in the Broken Places

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places"....(Ernest Hemingway). Recently, a client made the huge decision to finally end his 16 year marriage. He has been thinking about this for years. He described his marriage as an arrangement, "two people living as roommates for years." The reasons that brought them together have faded and as time marched on, they grew further and further apart. They lived separate lives, both had affairs and whenever they attempted to broach the subject of their failing marriage, defenses would kick in and one or the other would rush in to establish the old order. The message, "We may be miserable but don't rock the boat." Many people live like this in their lives, whether it be in relationships of all kinds or jobs they loathe. This mentality does not only apply to marriages. People fear change, above almost anything else! In addition, for some reason, people feel they deserve suffering. Some stay suffering out of pride, others out of deeply rooted fears. Either way, you are failing yourself if you refuse to address the suffering. Once you acknowledge the pain, then you can take the steps to find a solution. Again though, often people are terrified if the solution means major changes. Major changes are necessary and help us grow. Sure stability and security are nice things too but not at the price of your integrity. My client was feeling mixed emotions about the separation. Although he'd be the first to admit openly that he was not in love with his wife, he was terrified about finances, custody, and how his spouse would handle the separation. As expected, she reacted with rage because he had dared to change the rules on her. I complimented him, saying that it took great strength to finally admit the marriage was over. He looked surprised, saying "I don't feel very strong right now, I feel like an emotional mess." That's the beauty of it, when you feel at your absolute weakest, you are actually the strongest you've been in a long time. It does not take strength to live double lives, having affairs and denying reality. That's avoidance. It takes incredible strength to face your deepest fears, your perceptions and finally own how you feel once and for all and then do something about it. My client looked relieved to hear that underneath his fears, worries and doubts was incredible strength bubbling forth. We are all strong in the places in our souls that have endured pain and suffering. It is through the pain we recognize our truths and find the strength to change our lives. We learn to turn that pain into resilency, optomism and courage. Sure, it takes time for the broken places to get stronger. It just takes time, if you just trust the process, nurturing hope and dreams of a new future. The wounds remain but the newfound strengths are your reward. “Time discovers truth"....(Seneca). “We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams"...(Jeremy Irons).

Walk Away

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing"...(Neil Gaiman). We all have those poignant moments in life, those times that are life defining and change us forever. Those moments are life's biggest lessons and teach us the power of really listening to the voice within. I remember when I was in 7th grade, I had one of those moments. I was pretty shy and certainly not aggressive. One of my friends was being picked on and teased by some girls after school. I was walking by and knew I could just mind my own business, stay out of harms way and walk on by. Even though I was terrified, I had to stand up for her, so I stopped and told the girls to leave her alone. I held my ground, even though I was shaking inside. They harassed me a bit and then got bored I guess and left us alone and walked away. I suppose I was guided by the part of me that wants to stand up for the underdog. Perhaps it's also the underdog part of me that has always been grateful to those who may have stuck their necks out for me. In college I was dating a not so nice guy. He was controlling, cheated on me constantly and was abusive. I was incredibly insecure and unfortunately, just felt grateful that anyone would give me any attention. I put up with his bad behavior for quite awhile. Another defining moment in my life was when I decided to walk away from the abuse and from him. I was on the phone with him on summer break when he started giving me a hard time about something ridiculous, then the thought occurred to me (screaming loudly in my head), "you don't have to take this anymore!" I broke up with him then and there. I was only 20 years old and had already learned the lesson of abuse. It is a terrible dynamic that can happen to people of all ages. I learned a lot in those two years with him about how abuse slowly tears down your self worth, day by day. I had already started out with poor confidence and the emotional and physical abuse just tore down any shred of self esteem I may have had. When I broke up with him, I was able to start to take back my identity and head forward with the strength of knowing that I didn't have to settle for such poor treatment. Those two years educated me more than any text book ever could. I have drawn on that experience throughout my years as a therapist, being able to counsel women and men on how to leave abusive relationships. Another life changing moment was when I decided to board a plane and move from California to New York City. I was walking away from a life I had known and someone I loved, to head into the unknown. It was a bittersweet time in my life but I grew immeasurably. I learned to soar in new directions, to take a huge risk on myself and to start life anew. Now I find myself in another life changing moment as I pack moving boxes and get ready for the big move from the east coast back to California. This move is a lot larger than 20 years ago. Back then, the contents of my life fit snugly in a small storage space. Packing a large house is no small feat. Now with three kids in tow, I have to sign them up for school, get pediatrician records, sort through endless toys and pack countless boxes. In addition, I am ending a 19 year relationship. This time, the ending was not brought on by abuse but from emotional distance. I can relate to Christina Aguilera's song, "Cruz." The lyrics, "I am leaving today, I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change" say it all. Each moment that we choose to take a stance and risk everything to follow our heart, change us profoundly. What moments define your life and have taught you the value of standing your ground and then walking away when necessary? “You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"...(Kenny Rogers). "I will! I am! I can! I will actualize my dream. I will press ahead. I will settle down and see it through. I will solve the problems. I will pay the price. I will never walk away from my dream until I see my dream walk away: Alert! Alive! Achieve!"....(Robert Schuller).

I Still Believe

When I started my blog back in September, I had an idea that some changes were in the air, but wow what a wild ride it's been. This blog is about the journey of love and in navigating oneself through separations, difficulties, losses and many changes. I am on the precipice of some of the biggest changes in my life and although I am a bit nervous, I also feel like a child on Christmas morning, so excited about the gifts life has for me presently and on the horizon. When life offers up some painful lessons in loss and letting go, you can find hidden gems of truth, clarity and transformation. I have honestly been so busy planning this move that I have not had time to write. So here is another one of my favorite articles, I wrote back in the fall which sums up the essence of who I am and what I believe...

I believe love is the answer....because without it, we have nothing to believe in. I believe love always navigates its way back into our hearts if we allow it to. I believe love profoundly affects our lives and changes us forever. I believe that the journey of loving yourself, then trusting enough to share that love is the ultimate life lesson. I believe that life is worth living, sharing and celebrating, each and every day. I believe that things happen for a reason, to remind us that the web of life brings us where we need to be, when we need to be there. I believe we equally orchestrate our fates, by our secret hopes, fears, dreams and wishes. Your wish is your command....so if you think and feel it from the depths of your soul, you can and will manifest it. I believe that compassion is essential and helps us connect to the common thread in humanity, that we are all the same. I believe that children need hugs and kisses every single day! I believe that life is a series of lessons to help us grow and become more enlightened. I believe that lessons in enlightenment come more from daily, apparently mundane matters of living rather than hours upon hours of deep meditation. I believe that letting go is sometimes essential in breaking out and becoming who you are meant to be. I believe that change is a lesson in allowing yourself to transform. I believe that sometimes you have to go very far from where you started, to have some clarity, then weave your way back to embrace that which you ran from. I believe that love will live on, long after we are gone. I believe that nothing is permanent and everything is constantly changing. I believe that fear is an illusion we use to keep us from allowing change, even though the changes occur anyway, with or without our permission. I believe our thoughts create who we are. I believe that a good piece of chocolate (dark is my preference), can soothe the soul. I believe that alone time is essential, to be able to listen to your soul teach you who you are and why you are here. I believe that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I believe in the power of art and music to inspire and remind us that there is magic occurring in each and every moment, if we tune ourselves into it. I believe that nature reflects the simple and glorious beauty of our souls potential. I believe that sharing our journey and the lessons we have learned is another lesson. I believe in Buddha's quote, "He is able who thinks he is able." I believe in the importance of being in the moment and in going with the flow. I believe that love always finds a way....... What do you believe in?

Misperceptions

“The divorced person is like a man with a black patch over one eye: He looks rather dashing but the fact is that he has been through a maiming experience"....(Jo Coudert). Breaking up any relationship is a messy matter, complicated with two very different perspectives and a whole heap of emotions. I understand how movies like "War of The Roses" is not always far from the truth. How do you go from saying "I do" to not trusting each other, not really knowing each other and lots and lots of hurt. I look at my own wedding pictures and remember back to how naive I was. Sometimes the goal to get married is the central theme, not how to stay married. I was hopeful way back then and thought that we had what it took to defy the 50% divorce rate statistic. I was wrong. It's no body's fault really. Oh sure, like all couples, when the emotions get stirred up, the blame game begins. The blame game is completely draining and such a waste of energy. Hurt is hurt, no matter how much finger pointing you do. It could probably be traced back to the beginning for the both of us and some major short sightedness we had in ourselves at the time. We can only blame ourselves for the break down of the marriage and ultimately learn the valuable lessons each of us needed. I am a therapist and yet I could not even fix what became so broken between us. I am also in awe in how very different our perspectives are on just about everything that has ever happened. I observe it all of the time in sessions with couples but to experience it first hand is sobering. You would think that he and I literally lived two different lives based on how each of us would describe our perception of the relationship. That goes back to the point I have made that each of us paints our own version of reality. Again, neither of us is really wrong or right, we're just very different. I cycle through peaks and valley's of mourning the loss of what was and what I hoped it would be, excited about a new path and trying to navigate my way through the present moment. In my family, divorce was pretty much the norm and I decided years ago that I would never get divorced. That was a lot of pressure to put on myself, to carry the burden of fixing an issue that was pervasive throughout my family system. I also had no tools as to how to honor myself enough to navigate choosing a partner for the right reasons. That is an issue many people are guilty of. We do the best we can at the time with the emotional tools we have available to us. As we get older, our emotional tool chest broadens and we shift and change, which is why relationships go through growing pains or just break apart eventually. Sometimes, two people begin to hinder each others growth and staying together would just create more pain than letting go. I am human and sometimes the emotional mess is just plain overwhelming. How do you grow as a person, yet deal with emotional fallout all at the same time? You step very carefully, make mistakes, reflect, learn and keep moving forward. I have a long list of positive things that I have learned over the past 18 years and I have grown as a person enormously. In the end, I just think that we never really understood each other. Many divorced couples could relate to that statement. The best gift from the marriage is our three amazing children whom make life absolutely magical. I watch them and am so sure that they are the best of my husband and I. They are the miracle that came out of this broken marriage. As we move forward, forgiveness will be our lesson, so as to not hold each other hostage to pain and anger the rest of our lives. "Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions"...(Gerald Jampolsky).

Rock Steady

Recently, I was listening to one of my 80's Cd's and I had to laugh when I started getting flashbacks of my cocktail waitress days, when I was in my early 20's. It was actually a great way to earn money to put myself through college. Of course, some student loans were still necessary. My cocktail waitress days were spent listening to tunes like "Rock Steady" repeatedly, very late nights, smelling like a long island ice tea from it spilling on me and early training in how to work with people. Back then, the dance scene was huge and everyone went out to clubs in Southern California. Oh, did I also forget to mention the shortest mini skirt ever! How do you think I earned those tips? It sure wasn't purely from my smile and friendly demeanor. The true highlight of those several years was when I got to be "Shot Girl" occasionally. I literally had two shot bottles, one on each hip in a holster. The shots I sold were "Sex on the Beach" and were $1.50 each and boy on those nights, I could make up to $200 in tips. Not bad for a struggling college girl at the time. I am sorry that I may have contributed to getting people drunk during those days, but I was young and needed the money. Believe it or not, it was great pre-therapist training and good mommy training. First, I ended up observing and chatting with lots of men, especially married ones while I was taking drink orders. I learned about unhappy marriages, men clearly cheating on their spouses and watched many interactions (pick-ups) between men and women. Second, I learned the art of listening because once people start to drink, they will tell you their life story. More importantly, I learned how to deal with chaotic situations and conflict resolution, which helps me with bickering couples. Now I get to sit in a comfy leather chair however and thankfully, no more long island ice teas are being spilled on me. I would definitely worry if a client walked into session with a long island ice tea and would probably have to put them into rehab for that. I like helping people feel better with talking rather than selling numerous drinks to have the same result. At least now, the results last longer and don't come with a hangover. Okay, how does cocktail waitressing help with being a mommy, you may ask? Well, cocktail waitressing was one of the most demanding and thankless jobs I've ever had, sort of like being a mommy. The customers in the clubs wanted their drinks and they wanted them now. For a buck tip, I heard pick-up lines, dealt with groping men and jealous women. Some of the customers were quite rude or cheap as well, with no tip in sight. Now instead of a tray with margaritas, beer and vodka tonics, I am carrying a tray filled with juice boxes. My kids will scream their demands across the house as if I am there to wait on them, much like the unruly customers at the club. My kids will hang on me, pull on me and fight all around me. Maybe I should crank up "Rock Steady," dim the lights and pretend I am back at the club. It might make it a little more fun. During those club days, I also learned the art of reverse psychology, which is a very important skill as a parent. Those cocktail waitress days did help me handle lots of stress because the drink orders were endless, I was on my feet for many hours and had to try to keep people happy. I learned that I could juggle much more than I imagined, which certainly helps me now as a mommy. Of course, my role as a parent is beyond satisfying and when my kids say "I love you mommy," it makes it all worth it. Oh I might have heard "I love you" shouted at me while waitressing, but those guys were three sheets to the wind and could barely stand at that point. As a tribute to my club days as a mini skirt, shot holster wearing waitress, I'm playing "Rock Steady" in honor of some of the best life training I've ever had. Oh dear, I think I hear my kids ordering something now.....guess I'm back on duty.

The River of Love

I've been going through boxes and came across all of my old journals. It has been an interesting journey today, combing over some of my old entries. There were no blogs back then and no lap tops, so everything was hand written filling many notebooks. It was interesting to look at what I was writing through the years 1982-1990's. Piecing all of my years of journals together represents a river of love for me, learning what love is all about. Most of my entries struggle with matters of the heart and grappling with loving myself. I also wrote poetry about love, loss, pain and confusion. Here is an entry from the winter of 1991:

Questions unending, poking at my belly. I look into the mirror and wonder, who am I? What would make me happy? Who will I marry? What is my purpose in this life? I smile into the mirror, confused, yearning for the answers. I'm 25 years old and feel that I am at a crossroads. I should get on track. Youth has not left me, by any means, but old enough to be concerned about love and my future career. Who will love me and marry me? What will I be when I "grow up?" A psychologist? An artist? An author? A student? Who will I be....who am I really? I glance into the mirror, seeing my bright smiling face and I sense that my questions will be answered sooner than I think. Smiling once more, I realize, I am and will play many roles in this life....the student, the daughter, a mother and who knows what else. As confused as I may be, some questions will answer themselves in time. Life is funny...who knows what will happen next. Life is full of change. Life is basically unpredictable so hold tight, stay determined and ambitious. Go out and try to make certain things happen. Follow your dreams, be realistic but believe in yourself. Have confidence and strive to make your dreams come true. Just wait and see however, what curves life will throw at you. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Feel emotions....cry, laugh, yell, scream, jump, dance, shout. Break out! Oh wall that surrounds me, crumble, fall, disintegrate, disappear....you hinder me and keep me hidden from life and from emotions. I don't want to hide anymore. Oh walls, you deceive me, giving me a false sense of security. Emotions are to be felt and life is to be lived. Confusion is part of life, so be it. Mirror, mirror on the wall, I've got to break out. Carpe Diem...live life and take chances!

Hmmm....it sounds like one of my blog entries. I was feeling pretty lost back then, so it's nice to reflect on who I am now and see that I have attained the vision I hoped for back in 1991. I can see the scared but optimistic me from 91, trying to accept myself and yet with a voice conditioned into me saying "be realistic." The heck with realistic. The other "conditioned" part was, "who will love me?" That was surely my insecurity talking. I should have said "I will follow my heart until I find love and it finds me." What I did not see in myself then was that I was still all too willing to play it safe. A hurting, fearful heart led the way back then. Yes I took risks and grew in numerous ways, but still hiding behind my walls, I did not completely break out, until now. I asked an old friend recently if I have changed much from my younger years. The response, "same fire." It is the fire in me that has kept me moving forward, taking chances and finding a way to enjoy life, no matter what. The river of love flows from each lesson to the next. I allow myself now to flow with the river and see where it takes me. Love is a rainbow of light, flowing with the currents throughout our lives. I fly out to California tomorrow to attend a wedding and I plan to drive up Pacific Coast Highway, listening to some of my favorite tunes from 20 years ago and I must take some pictures of course. Some of the music listed in my old journals as my favorites: When I'm With You-Sheriff, Forever Young-Alphaville, Party Train-The Gap Band, My Place In This World (ironically from the Album, "Go West Young Man"), The River Will Flow-White Heart (from the Album called "Freedom") and That's What Love Is For-Amy Grant. Some interesting messages hidden in my song list. My music list also truly reflects who I am at heart....reflective, spiritual, hopeful, romantic and fun. Download "Party Train" because you just can't help feeling good when you listen to it. I've enjoyed dancing around the living room with my kids to it! I am so glad that I have written in journals most of my life because it helps me remember vividly, what a wild journey life truly is.

Reflecting

Birthdays are often a time to reflect on the past, observe where you are now and decide where you are heading. Tonight was one of those birthdays for a friend of mine. I went to a dear friends 40th surprise birthday party. My friend was so incredibly shocked by the surprise that she was shaking. Once she composed herself, she made the rounds and was so appreciative that friends and family from near and far had made every effort to share in her big day. She was profoundly moved by the entire experience and it was emotionally inspiring to see how happy she was to see everyone. Once she composed herself, she made a heartfelt speech, that many of us can relate to. She shared that approaching 40 was somewhat difficult and that she had realized lately how the most important things in her life were her relationships. She had secretly wished that she had planned ahead and organized a party to share this day with those closest to her, but life had gotten away from her. What she did not know was that her husband had planned all of this secretly. Her speech touched on the wisdom we all gather as we get older, that her relationships mean more to her than anything. It's so true that relationships in our lives are more important than money, things, careers, or just about anything else. It is the time we spend with those we care about that really matters in the end. Her party was truly special and I thoroughly enjoyed watching her excitement and deep appreciation of those she cares the most about in her life. As she looked around the room, she was reminded of the chapters she had in her life, ranging from childhood, college, grad school, kids and neighbors. New and old friends, as well as family surrounded her and cheered her on with good wishes as she enters her 40's. We all have those moments, when we take stock of our lives. What are our chapters? Who are those nearest and dearest to us? Has life gotten in the way from spending time with friends and family? Do we tell those closest to us how much we appreciate them? I miss my family very much. Having been so far away from my sisters and niece and nephews has made me appreciate what little time I have had with them each year. I vowed to make every effort to see them frequently and have kept my promise every year. I am excited to be moving back to the area my sisters live, to be able to finally attend birthday parties, graduations and even spend the holidays. Being so far away has made me much more aware of the importance of family. "Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul"...(Thomas Moore). Regarding friendships, they are equally important and friends certainly help us through the various chapters in our lives. There are friends along the way......friends of the road that help us in specific chapters of our lives. Those friendships are meaningful but fade away at the end of the chapter. There are friends of the heart.....whom weave in and out of the chapters of our lives but are always with us along the way. "The only way to have a friend is to be one"....(Ralph Waldo Emerson). "Long, long afterward, in an oak I found the arrow, still unbroke; And the song, from beginning to end, I found again in the heart of a friend"...(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow). The other important lesson in getting older is about really getting to know yourself. As you reflect over the chapters of your life, you can see themes and garner a better understanding of who you are based on the people you attracted into your life along the way. The lessons of each chapter are meaningful and meant to help us reach our fullest potential. What we do with the lessons is up to us. Growth is a choice and reflection is a free present you can give yourself. Happy Birthday to my friend and may she bask in the glow of her birthday reunion for years to come.

Rebirth

The symbolic meaning of Seagulls is psychological communication. They rule the mystery of the seashores, where two worlds meet, the sea and land. Therefore, they also represent the elements of air and water. The element of air relates to expressing yourself and water (ocean) is about the depths of the subconscious and the healing and mysterious aspects of feminine energy. Now that spring is in the air and fast approaching, it seems appropriate for individuals to come out of their winter shells, take flight and communicate the ideas and growth that has been brewing during the winter months. I have noticed over the past several days that not only has nature started to gradually shift and start to awaken but individuals all around me seem to be coming back to life. Many of my clients have been in better spirits starting on March 1st. All of the heavy psychological work many were undergoing during the winter months is now helping them begin to feel more empowered and ready to head in new directions. Winter is really that time to reflect and go within, while spring is the time to spring into action. "Throughout the spring season, creative forces are stirred into expression. There is an impulse throughout nature to resurrect itself. As we spend time in nature during the spring season, this impulse will even impact our dream activity-making it brighter and more colorful, revealing how we can begin anew"....(Ted Andrews/Nature-Speak). As we all move forward into spring, it is important to contemplate and become aware of what we want and where we would like to direct our energy. The journey of introspection is about understanding how everything relates and connects to everything else. Where we are heading is connected to our feelings and progress we have made so far. If everything is connected, then whatever you have been thinking and feeling over the winter will begin to manifest during the spring and summer months. Everything has a cause and effect and there truly are no coincidences. Everything happens in direct relation to what you think and feel. "Everything we do and think sets energy in motion and shapes what will unfold somewhere within our life"....(Ted Andrews/Nature-Speak). Spring is a great time to allow the changes in the air to help you go with the flow as well. Spring literally brings everything back to life and nature does so with effortless ease. Allow spring to grace you with the energy of easy transitions, healthy change and letting go of the old to make way for new growth. Take flight this spring and enjoy the possibilities of rebirth....your soul is ready and it's up to you.

Love Life

I use to tell myself that I had every reason to love life. I convinced myself that I had it all, but I was lying to myself. I was missing something and I just had to keep pushing that feeling away. To acknowledge that "feeling" would have meant that the facade would crumble. Like many others, I just told myself that all was well and the heck with missing something. That denial lasted awhile until I just couldn't dismiss my feelings anymore. Then I woke up. It was like I had been living life asleep, filled with pressure to conform, dismissing my feelings and playing a role. When I woke up, my feelings became clear and I realized the slumber I had been in for many years. The denial of the past was not about loving life, it was the same story many people tell themselves, "You've got it good...a nice house, kids and career, so suck it up." I forgot the most important part though, to check in with myself and ask, "Hey, how are you doing?" I hadn't been doing well. Like so many people I see around me, I was ignoring my feelings. I see it everywhere. To love life, you have to honor yourself and your feelings. It's pretty difficult to really connect to the love of living if you are disconnected from yourself. Once I woke up, a love that I had suppressed came bubbling forth. I could no longer contain it. I guess you could say that I had been hiding my heart. Now that I listen to my feelings and actually let them teach and guide me, a love for life has emerged. It's also tough to just say, "I love life" when you are not honoring your own life. I've realized that to teach my children how valuable their lives are, I had to honor my own as well. Someone asked my recently, "How can I teach my children to follow their hearts, when I did not follow my heart." You teach through words and example. Wisdom comes through experience, so lessons can be passed down whenever you learn them. My daughter watched "The Princess Diaries 2" recently. I sat with her and discussed the movie afterward. In the film, the princess stands up for herself and decides as she is walking down the isle to get married, to call off the wedding and not marry out of obligation. She was not in love with the prince and thus the fairy tale wedding was a show. My daughter looked at me and said, "Why would anyone marry someone they were not in love with?" That's a great question, but one very rarely asked in society. I watched "The Art of Lying" again as well. The movie makes me laugh, but hits home once more this undercurrent in society to conform to expectations. The main character asks his true love, "What do you really want? Not what's expected, or what your mom wants....what do you really want?" She looks at him puzzled and stumped. It is a question that is tough to answer if you have never lived your life authentically. I know in generations past, many had to work at jobs they hated to support families and marriage was more of a contactual arrangement. I am sure that my grandmother might have said that marriage was not about love and would have made some remark about life being hard. These days however, we are blazing a new trail. We are starting to awaken and wonder, "What are we feeling and what is all of this really about." More information is surfacing that continues to reinforce the importance of our feelings. Not so long ago, even talk therapy had a stigma or only for people with "real" problems. That is just no longer the case. Many high functioning people are heading to therapy because they can no longer live in denial. Even traditional medicine is starting to admit, however slowly, that our emotions affect our health. Feelings can no longer be ignored. It takes a leap of faith to follow your feelings and usually means that someone will get upset with you for it. It's worth the risk, because its better to live your life following your heart then to end up disconnected, disheartened and frustrated for living a life based on what others wanted for you. You have this life to live and the journey of discovering yourself means you can become aware of the joys of living. Loving life means loving yourself and as you awaken, the journey suddenly becomes alive with possibilities. Wake up and start loving life!