I Know Who I Am

"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy"...(Wayne Dyer). Looking back over my life, I can see clearly the patterns of who I am and who I have always been. I struggled accepting myself for many years, but now embrace who I am completely. In 3rd grade I ran for class office and my slogan was, "Denise for peace." That was very fitting and still suits me today. During my elementary school years I tutored younger kids in math, which demonstrated that my helping other people skills were present, even at a young age. The math however, quite ironic, since I am always behind on my billing. I was always a loyal friend as early as Kindergarten. I enjoy my friendships and love staying in touch and in contact with friends. That has never changed. In high school I was in a team of Mat Warmers, kinda like cheerleaders for the wrestlers and I was voted most dedicated. That still fits me today since I am a very dedicated person to anything and anyone important to me. As a Mat Warmer I helped out in a pinch, never missed a match and took my role quite seriously. By the way, how the heck did they get away however with calling us Mat Warmers? A little derogatory wouldn't you say. Why didn't they just call us "cater to the males on the wrestling team, serve them, cheer for them and bring them snack girls." I guess it was early training in taking care of men. I was also pretty shy yet outgoing through all of my school years. I know that sounds like an anomaly, but I am shy, yet I learned to push myself to be more social and outgoing. In high school I took everything in and revealed very little. Someone said something interesting to me recently, that nobody knew me in high school. Upon reflection that makes sense. Also some foretelling of my future as a therapist. Become good at observing everyone else and appear to be a blank slate. Now however the shy part has faded and the extroverted part is getting stronger. Obviously the reveal very little has shifted as well, since writing often requires that art imitates life. I have always loved taking photos. Digital technology certainly has made that hobby so much easier. Interesting to note that I also loved creative writing as early as I could write. I was also very clever as a child to avoid getting into trouble. I knew how to show the adults what they wanted to see, while my baby sister always got into trouble. I would get back at my sister alright but I was just sly about it. A very useful skill as a child, (Ah sibling rivalry - a payback I am living through with my own children). These days however I have learned that letting go and forgiveness works much better. I was a scout as a girl which was a safe haven and a way to feel a part of something when my home life was anything but stellar. Now as an adult, I get to give back by helping with my daughters troop. I was also in a club for nature lovers in 6th grade. Again, some foreshadowing going on there. I guess it all comes full circle. Looking back I can also see where I felt very misunderstood, struggled with other peoples judgements and grappled with wanting acceptance. Those were further lessons in self acceptance. It is an important lesson for all, that often you cannot change people's judgements or perceptions because their judgements are mirrors of their own issues. As the saying goes, you cannot please anyone except yourself. Our past mirrors our lessons and helps us to learn who we are, one reflection at a time. Embrace your gifts, strengths and your temperament as well as the challenges and things to still learn, for it makes us who we are. Self worth is merely a step in self acceptance, so know who you are and affirm your own value. "We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us"...(Virginia Satir).

Releasing the Victim

I recently learned about a shamanic ritual to release the pattern of "victim" energy. I love rituals. I have been training with a shamanic healer for awhile and have learned first hand how powerful rituals and ceremonies can be. Many rituals have disappeared in our society, but the ceremony of rituals have been used for centuries across the globe in various religions and cultures. Rituals can be a rite of passage, releasing old patterns and helping the individual transform emotionally. This ritual is about releasing the generations of victim energy into a stone. That stone is then brought to a sacred place in nature and left behind, thus releasing the individual from that energy forever. Pretty powerful! Without going into too much detail, I completed the ceremony and had to bring my victim stone to nature to release it once and for all. This ritual is really an affirmation of self love. How many people can say that they carry some victim pattern with them no matter how many levels and layers of self worth they have addressed and healed. That old victim energy can hang around like an old pair of jeans, completely worn out, but you hang onto them anyway because they somehow still feel comfortable. So I am on my journey, my pilgrimage to get rid of the stone. I bring it to my favorite mountain in Vermont. I am hiking and half way up...... I freeze, realizing that I left that stone in the car!! Okay, I cleared my mind and meditated for a moment. Then the message came to me, the stone is to go into the lake at the base of the mountain not ON the mountain. Cool, I am reminded that everything happens for a reason. I am in the clear so I continue my climb to the top. Sitting at the top of the mountain taking in the view, I realized that I had ended up more like my mom than I ever wanted to admit. How does that happen? No matter how much we try, we still repeat those patterns we witnessed again and again growing up. Like a magnet, we draw those patterns into our lives, like it or not. Each generation is offered a chance to change it, improve it or to make it worse. My mission in this life..... transform those family patterns and teach others to do the same. So, I was ready to wave good-bye to that victim shadow and I said a silent blessing to my mom and to all of the family members that paved the way for me. I realized that we are all the same and that no matter where we are on our journey, we are all learning. Some lessons are of pain, some of loss, regret, some of gratitude, isolation or of hope. But no matter what, love connects us all. On some level aren't we are all striving to love ourselves, be loved, find love and to share love. With those insights on my mind, when I reached the lake at the bottom of the mountain, I was ready once and for all to throw that stone into the water. I said a prayer of thanks to that old victim energy and I realized that I learned much about life from the lessons that victim hood taught. I learned to assert myself, to find my voice and it taught me to never put my self worth into an others hands. As I threw that stone in the water a feeling of peace came over me and I realized that this was the ultimate gift I was giving myself......... What a release!