Uncharted

“Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time"...(Leo F. Buscaglia). I love that life is uncharted territory for me now. What a cool adventure life really is when you allow yourself to be free. Many people do not believe that life is an adventure. Everywhere I travel lately, I've come across many people clearly frozen in their own pain. People's hurts and losses trap them them in an endless sea of sadness and despair. Some are caught up in their own net of anger and frustration which whirls around them and gets vented in occasional storms filled with hurtful words and endless lightening bolts of judgement. If people could just begin to see that they are not trapped at all and that their suffering is self created...then they could begin to embrace their journey versus feeling like victim's. The path of pain and suffering only brings more of the same. It truly is an infinite cycle of pain if that is what one chooses to perpetuate. Being free means gratitude, love and forgiveness. I can clearly see who is trapped and who is free, just by looking into someones eyes. The choice is always yours. While hiking today with my kids, I asked them what their three secrets to life are. My youngest said..."hiking, playing with toys and love." I adore his list because it's so true to his 5 year old perspective, yet such wisdom from such a young soul. In fact, children can teach us a lot. By the time children reach adulthood, they have been conditioned, preached to and filled with other people's distorted perspective's about reality that they forget that as children, they too believed at one time that life was an uncharted adventure waiting to be explored. Who ever said by the way that life would be pain free? Of course pain comes with the territory. We feel it, explore it and move on when we're ready. Getting stuck in our own quick sand of pain helps nobody and prevents movement. I have been stuck before and I had to work hard at getting out of my own quick sand. It wasn't easy and sometimes, I thought that I'd never get out. I never gave up and with that....I learned to never give up on myself. I asked my daughter what her three secrets to life are and she said..."trust yourself, never give up and love your family." She has learned a lot lately about never giving up. She learned how to ride a bike this summer, hiked a very tough mountain two days ago and learned how to kayak alone yesterday. Each time that she cried to give up, I pushed her to continue and she found the strength to keep going until she conquered her own fears. She is learning to trust herself more than ever. I marvel every day at the beauty life has to offer if you just open yourself up to it. If you choose to stay stuck, then okay....but know that you too can free yourself when you're ready. “Laugh at yourself, but don't ever aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold. When you embark for strange places, don't leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory"...(Alan Alda).

Our Will

So many of our DREAMS at first seem Impossible, then they seem Improbable, and then when we Summon the Will, they soon become Inevitable"...(Christopher Reeve). As I sit here staring out the window of my Vermont Inn room at Lake Willoughby, the word "will" really struck me. The room has a view of the lake and of Mount Pisgah, a mountain I hiked for the first time two years ago as a trek to summon my own will to make major changes in my life. I didn't know then that in those two years, I'd propel not only myself to change in many ways, but others around me as well. I guess change often sets off a domino effect as it may and others are offered the chance to change. At the time, my marriage was in trouble, I was boxed in by a busy private practice and wanting to spend more time with my three kids. I knew that I wanted a different life and that things just had to change. I certainly had no idea or set course of the outcome except a clear vision of happiness. So, with the force of will as my fuel....I took my first step and every step after, to climb out of the rut I had created in my life. Some changes were small and others were monumental. There were moments that I could have stopped and given into all of the gale force winds of resistance blowing all around me. My husband was less than happy at the time, about all of the changes going on. My kids were scared about uprooting their lives and moving across country. Clients were not happy that I would not be so accessible. Family, including my in-laws, thought that I had lost my mind. Everyone had an opinion and yet....with will and determination, I forged ahead. I watch others get mired down in self pity and thus they stay chained to pain and a vicious circle of confusion and doubt. "Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything good in the world"...(Helen Keller). It saddens me to watch people stay frozen in old patterns, but thanks to free will, we each have a choice in whether we move ahead or not. It wasn't easy at times, braving the storm....but my will just wouldn't let me stop. I had doubt occasionally but then I'd remember that my heart had a clear agenda and I had to listen. So here I sit, enjoying the view from my room and as I hiked Mount Pisgah yesterday with my daughter, I left several stones from my favorite California hike, a symbolic offering of how I have come full circle over the past two years. My life is what I had dreamt and hoped it would be. My children made the transition to California and had a great year, learning that they could make changes, make friends and enjoy living in a new place. They also loved seeing me more. I have more quality of life now, I simplified my schedule and hike almost every day. My kids have a happier mommy. While going through a divorce and dating others...my husband and I discovered much about ourselves that had been lost or missing. In a strange twist of fate, we found our way back to each other and now we have the relationship we had always wanted but had previously seemed impossible. I have now discovered that anything is possible. One year ago, my husband complained endlessly about all of the changes I was forcing on him, including a move to California. As it turns out though, my husband now loves California and absolutely adores living there. I am wearing a new wedding ring. It's actually my original diamond in a new setting, representing the beauty of transformation. When we renew our vows in August, our past 20 years together will be infused with a new beginning and a fresh start. Life is funny sometimes and all it takes is a lot of will and the willingness and courage to take the first step toward following your heart. “You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water"...(Rabindranath Tagore).

The Birth of a Mother

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body"...(Elizabeth Stone). You always wonder and certainly idealize, what kind of parent you will be before you have children. In your fantasy, you imagine all of the wonderful moments ahead of you. Thank god for healthy denial, otherwise nobody would ever have children. The truth is, parenthood is hard work! As my babysitter said today in a card to me, "Holy crap, motherhood is hard...thank you for illuminating how rewarding yet challenging motherhood can be." My own mother did not have an easy road to travel as a parent. She had her first baby at 17 years old, practically a baby herself. Living in a small town in middle America in 1960 meant that there was a lot of pressure to marry my dad to make things right. So, right before their senior year in high school, they walked down the isle. Not surprising, six years later after many ups and downs, they decided to divorce. Their union started with a surprise pregnancy and ended with a surprise pregnancy. That's where I come in. They were starting to separate when my mom discovered she was pregnant with me. I guess you could say that I slid in under the wire. I was born two months early and spent the first weeks of my life in an incubator. At 23 years old, there my mom was with two young children, going through a divorce. I would say that she was initiated into motherhood quite suddenly, with lots of family pressures around her as she was still trying to grow up herself. It certainly explains a lot. Many young women are going through that right now. I learned from my mother's journey and decided to have children when I was older. I did not want to struggle as much as she did. I had my first child at 34, so I had the benefit of more security and maturity before I had children. Before I had children, I would silently observe parents and say stupid things to myself like, "I will never let my kids get away with this or that." Yeah well, you can be the best parent in your head until you are actually raising kids. You find yourself doing lots of things you said you never would. I love this quote, "Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories"....(John Wilmot). I have more compassion for the difficult journey my mom had raising kids while she was still growing up, because even with waiting until I was older, I was amazed after my oldest was born, at how absolutely exhausting and overwhelming parenthood could be. Now 10 years later and with three children, I have many amazing moments mixed in with countless moments that push your patience to the breaking point. My favorite moments are watching them grow and learn about themselves. Of course my heart melts when they give me a handmade Mother's Day card, that they are so proud of creating. They have taught me the importance of valuing how incredibly unique each and every one of us are. I've allowed them to be themselves, not some projected image that I want them to be. In giving them space to uniquely express who they are, I have learned to value myself as a mother even more. I had to learn to let go of a script I had in my head of what makes a good mother and find my own way. It took practice and patience with myself to go against society, family or friends versions of parenthood. I had to trust my intuition, allow myself to make mistakes and learn from trial and error. I hear women all the time, being so hard on themselves about every perceived error as a parent. If your heart is in the right place, children don't really notice that you may have forgotten to go to the market or made them pancakes for dinner because it was easy. Those things make you human. Tomorrow on Mother's Day, I will be hiking with my kids and will bask in every moment of being with them, even when they fight. I am just so incredibly grateful to have these three beautiful souls on this journey with me and couldn't be prouder to be their mother. “The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom"...(Henry Ward Beecher).

A Wonderful Life

My all time favorite movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." I remember watching it as a young child, so mesmerized by the story of a man who thinks that everyone would be better off if he had never been born. As a child, the movie gave me hope about the value of each and every life. In the movie, the character was shown how he had made a huge impact on those around him and if he had not been born, many lives around him would have been altered drastically. The movie affected me profoundly because I struggled with the issue of my existence as a child. I often wondered why I was born at all and for what reason. I would think to myself, what value do I add to this earth? Yes, pretty philosophical for a child, but when the adults around you don't let you know how valuable you are, you begin to question such things. All I knew was that the adults around me did not seem overjoyed about being parents, my dad was gone and my mom disappeared in her own way, emotionally. So this Frank Capra movie gave me hope! It must be true, I would think to myself, that I am here for a reason, even if those reasons were not clear to me at the time. I just trusted that like the character in the movie, my role here would eventually reveal itself. It is so amazing how a movie can be a guiding light for a child, but it was. Proof right there that Frank Capra and everyone involved in making that film, affected someones life, mine. Each soul makes an impact and leaves an imprint, forever shifting and changing everyone they touch. Now as a therapist, my role is to help each person value themselves and their lives. Like "It's a Wonderful Life," I try to help people find their way and to realize that they too are here for a reason. The movie also speaks to the issue of hope, faith and love....in the midst of pain and fear. The end of the movie is so inspiring, when he finally realizes that nothing really matters except love and that he wants to live. When he is surrounded by all of the people his life has touched, he smiles in acknowledgement that his life meant so much more than money, prestige and power. He is grateful in the end for just being alive and knowing that he truly had a wonderful life. That has been my journey too, to find my purpose, to know that I am here for a reason and that I have impacted people's lives for the better. I've come a long way from the lost little girl confused about her existence and can say with a smile now, that I have a wonderful life and I am deeply grateful to be here. If you happen to catch "It's a Wonderful Life" this holiday season, I hope it inspires you to ponder as well, how important your life is too. "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? [Inscribed in a copy of Tom Sawyer] "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence"...(It's a Wonderful Life).

Going Through the Motions

I love a good hike! Hiking connects me to nature, to balance and to the simple things in life. While hiking, I feel more fully engaged in the moment. I love the song by Matthew West, The Motions. The words are as follows: "This might hurt, it's not safe but I know that I've gotta make a change. I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something. Just okay is not enough, help me fight through the nothingness of life. I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day, without your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking, what if I had given everything.... instead of going through the motions." This song say's it so beautifully. Who hasn't gone through the motions at some point in their lives? We all have. The song is about spirituality but also reminds me of a higher calling if you will and waking up, feeling and wanting more. While hiking, it's kinda tough to go through the motions. Hiking forces you to stay in each moment, to connect and feel every step that you take. It engages you physically on so may levels, like all forms of exercise. Perhaps that is why exercising is a natural anti-depressant. We are forced while hiking, running, etc, to give our minds some time off. Whenever I am hiking, if I start to think too much I either trip or my heart beating so fast pulls me back to the task at hand, to focus on the moment. We all live roles but are we feeling the moment...... and if so, what are we feeling? That is the other message I love about the song, to feel hurt, to feel pain, is better than feeling nothing at all. I counsel people day in and day out. They generally come to counseling in crisis with symptoms of depression and anxiety. The main problem is that they have been pushing down how they have really feeling for years. The symptoms of depression and anxiety wake them up! They usually look at me with surprise when I normalize what they are feeling and say, "you are just feeling, now it's time to sort out what you have really been feeling but pushing away." Like a child that tries to get their mom's attention with repeated verses of "mom", pulling on their shirt and whining until the child realizes mom is not paying attention and they head off to pull their sisters' hair. There, that got her attention! Symptoms are the wake up call, the screaming child within, trying to get your attention.... to wake up to your feelings. Feelings are so natural yet we all have learned so many ways to suppress, deny and avoid them. What nature reminds me on a hike is that there is perfect balance, a spiritual dance of the elements, the animals, insects and the weather. Everything works in harmony. Once you start allowing your feelings to flow more naturally you can feel more in the moment like nature at any given moment. The challenge, to not judge but observe what you are feeling. A good hike, walk, run or just sitting in nature can help you begin the process of allowing your emotions to unfold. There are no "bad" emotions. Just like a good rain washes away debris and nourishes the earth, a good cry can be very cleansing for the spirit. Once you just allow your feelings to flow, then begins the journey of self discovery.