Breaking Free

When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing....then you will make a change. What I have found is that the first step of change is the hardest. Every step thereafter becomes a trek of shedding the many, many layers of old patterns that had been weighing you down. Sort of like wearing way too many layers of clothing. Once you wake up and realize that all of those layers are just holding you back and slowing you down, you begin shedding one article at a time until you feel lighter, freer and can finally go from a slow pace to walking and finally running. Those layers represent defenses and dysfunctional patterns...or old tapes that kept holding you back. Realizing and facing those patterns is the most important step in owning your part in having attracted relationships that kept you in pain. Those relationships are lessons...to teach you what you deemed your self worth to be at the time. Gratefully, nobody has to stay in those old patterns. We are given the tools and messages to change but change is a choice, since we all have free will. Make no mistake though, we are all given many messages to help us along the way, to inspire and support our ability for growth and change. Some people are just too stuck in their own pain to see the messages. Others have high stakes in staying in dysfunction because it gives them attention and they can use their wounds to manipulate and take from others. Again, I can't stress enough that everyone has free will. Once you begin to change, tests often come in some sort of resistance from those around you. It's as if they just know that you are feeling better and they conspire to pull you back into old patterns. An example of this is when someone divorced starts dating someone new and an ex starts demanding more time or attention for anything or everything even through acting more hostile or difficult. Any attention is better than nothing. The ex senses something is different on an unconscious level and they kick into gear to garner the attention again because they are threatened by the change. It's also a test for the individual to not get sucked into the dysfunctional pattern again and to forge ahead taking care of his/her needs. We all know that sometimes kids will act out as well when a parent starts dating someone new. This is to be expected because they have to adjust to a new dynamic. There is just an adjustment period that is expected and everyone has to ride the waves until the change settles in and everything becomes calm and settled again. In fact, more often than not, the changes can even be for the better for their optimal emotional growth as long as parents are sensitive in their approach to the changes. Avoiding change is not the answer. Change is a part of life and it teaches us resiliency and makes us stronger. Overall though, people's worse enemy isn't their ex's, their bosses, kids or family....their worse enemy is often themselves. The only reason a person would be pulled back into old patterns is because on some level, they are afraid of having everything they've ever dreamt of. They fear they are not worthy or that getting everything they want is a pipe dream, so they settle. Once you confront your own resistance and forge ahead anyway, embracing change becomes easier. The bottom line is this....take ownership of the rest of your life otherwise you are the victim, letting everyone else dictate and determine your fate. "The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live"....(Flora Whittemore).