The Bridge to Anywhere

Who am I? I don't know, that depends on which angle you observe me from and what your perspective is. If I have to analyze myself from my own perspective, I'd say I'm many things. From one angle, I'm a therapist. From another angle, I'm a mother of three. From another angle, I'm a camp director. From yet another angle, I'm a writer and artist and teacher. From afar, you might think I have it all together. Observe me up close and I might seem lost, trying to read an old fashioned map to figure out which road to take in life. I'm many things of course, as we all are. From another persons perspective, I might be some of those things or none, depending on many factors. We only see small parts of each other. How many people would you say really know you? I'm surprised at how often people just aren't listening. I don't mind sharing things about myself. I'm an open book for the most part. However, half way through the sentence, people change the subject or are distracted. It's tough getting to know one another if you aren't listening. Many don't even ask. They live with each other and never talk or inquire. They live in silence. Many people prefer it that way. I people watch and sitting in public, you will observe people having dinner, saying nothing to one another. I also observe some couples and families chatting and laughing. I love watching families enjoy each others company, even for a moment. I've realized that there are no perfect families. We are all a mess really. Every family has secrets, lies, dysfunction, alcoholism, mental illness, fear, worry, doubt, anger and of course loss. Those things lurk somewhere in the shadows in the immediate or extended family system. The lesson is for us to figure out the road map, and to take different roads than taken before to learn from our families. Many families keep going in circles, repeating the dysfunction endlessly. It's a road they know all too well, but it leads to the same destination....nowhere. The other option means change. It doesn't mean running away (that leads nowhere as well). It means looking at the map and your options with intention and reflection. Purposefully refusing to engage in old patterns, not taking the same dead end road, is healthy. What does that look like? It looks like you are beginning to go back in a circle, repeating a pattern you have lived before, but instead you take a new road, a bridge to a new place, a different experience and an unknown destination. You know the family is still going in circles, but you choose a new path and it liberates you from the cycle of dysfunction. You set the tone for them, that change is possible, or perhaps one of your family members has already taken a new path and they demonstrate to you, that change is possible. All dynamics are cyclical in nature. Energy spins in circles, yet the challenge is to shift the energy to uplift and expand, rather than constrict and trap. Everything is energy. Emotion, dynamics, behaviors, and thoughts are all energy. The moment you were born, you were introduced into an energetic cycle with your family system. No matter what the circumstances were, even in adoption. It's all a cycle that you either participate in continuing or you shift out of. Think about it. Reflect on patterns in your life. Ever feel like things circle back, and you feel like you are repeating a pattern? Ever tell yourself (or a family member tell you) that you have to do something a certain way, because that's how its always done in our family? Each circle back is a new opportunity to change the dynamic and to observe how far you've come. Circling back around doesn't mean you haven't shifted. Only you can tell whether you're merely visiting a familiar place or stuck there. There is a distinct difference. Take your map and venture out of town, away from an old pattern and don't worry about how others view you. Get to know yourself and set yourself free. If any behavior, addiction, fear, or doubt is trapping you, figure out the steps you need to take to be free. Being free means that you embrace change and you have endless options. Don't worry, you can always walk back to that familiar street you've lived on, but instead of feeling stuck three, you get to visit with a new perspective and an appreciation that life is one big lesson in freedom. Nothing traps us ever, unless you choose it to.

Open or closed?

It's a new day, a new opportunity and a chance to see things from a different perspective. I love waking up each day knowing that it is a reset of sorts and a way to see something that you didn't see before. Of course you have to be open to this process. If you are closed, then each day is just a continuation of the last and the days blur into one another. As I've gotten older, I can more easily see peoples misery written on their faces. When I was younger, I didn't see beyond facades as well as I can now. I'm not sure if it's because my intuition has become more acute, or if it's because I've peeled away so many layers myself, that I am just more grounded in truth. Whatever the reasons, I'm astounded at how many people are running from themselves. Young people can hide behind their youthful looks but their behavior is often their tale-tale sign that they are spinning out of control. Older adults are often more restrained in their behaviors and become better at playing their roles, but their anguish is written in the lines in their faces, the look in their eyes and in how they carry themselves. People who are miserable are stuck. Being upset, sad, hurt and angry are emotions that people can cycle through easily if they are in touch and open. Those who are closed, hold onto those feelings and they become locked in their own fortresses of pain. It's sad because unfortunately, misery loves company and those people tend to lash out onto those around them. If you are open, then don't let those in misery contaminate you. You can love them from a distance and send them blessings but by all means, protect yourself. Chances are, someone closed wouldn't even be reading this blog, or they'd roll their eyes while reading an entry. But if by chance, a closed person wandered here by mistake or out of curiosity, you can change if you are open to the process. The process is simple actually. All change just requires the first step...wanting to change. Being open to change means simply embracing a new path, and a new way of seeing things. You don't even have to know how to get there yet. The answers always come when you need them and the direction illuminates itself, if you just remain open. Practice feeling open, or if you are open, then visualize yourself opening up even more! Embrace all that can come your way, rather than making demands or cracking the door open only slightly and wondering why nothing is changing. Push the door open all the way, and let life happen! Know also, that sometimes the universe sends you something you need the most but it's not what you asked for. Trust the process. From now on, when you fall asleep at night, let the day slip away with gratitude. Then, set your intention for new things to come your way and be open to seeing things in a new light. That way, each day offers a new chance and life begins to feel exciting again, with countless possibilities. The other option....remain closed and life feels lifeless, stagnation sets in and misery attempts to color everything. Open = opportunity. It's always your choice...are you open to it?

Life is a Battlefield

Life isn't always easy, in fact, it's a series of challenges. Sure, some people seem to have a charmed life, but I believe that even those that seem to have it easy, may just be good at detaching. Anyone in touch with their emotions knows this: That life is a series of ups and downs; Being happy is a matter of perspective and lastly; That true connections are rare and are often taken for granted. We live in a transitory world, where information comes fast and peoples loyalties can change as quickly as the tides. I adore children because they are our future. How do we teach them to hold onto their integrity, their honor and their hopefulness in a world that often teaches them the opposite? I know I'm a dreamer, but this world needs more hopefulness. I'm now over the half way point in my life and when you get past the half way mark, you begin to really reflect about things. I feel like I've progressed yet still have so much to learn. When I was a teenager, I was a hopeless romantic and I believed in love. Then life happened. I found myself in a series of relationships, which seemed less about love and mostly ended up leaving me feeling lost. I don't want to lose that part of me, the woman that loves from the heart with abandon. Yet, I too struggle with holding onto hope. I fight the hopelessness daily, combating it like a soldier heading into battle. I arm myself with armor, not enough to hide but enough to shield myself from the harsh realities in life that attempt to break my spirit. I use my wit and humor to diffuse the hurts and gratitude to dodge the negativity. There are days that I sure wish I could bury my head under the covers to hide from some of the hardships I've had to contend with. I can't though, because I cannot surrender, no matter how much I sometimes would love to wave the white flag. I'm too competitive to give in and give up. So I head into battle by waking up and being a good soldier. I imagine that soldiers in war must have to find some higher purpose to forge on, even when their worlds are crumbling around them. It's a true testament of our spirit. My battleground may be more of a cold war, one with spies and allies, but I choose to approach life with the optimism of a child and the sense and strength of a General. We can teach our children hope, by letting them dream while giving them practical tools to navigate life's mine fields successfully. Maybe my biggest error was that I didn't know that mine fields and enemies existed. My optimism left me vulnerable and naive. I wish I had been sufficiently warned. Maybe it would have saved me some near fatal wounds, or maybe not. Perhaps I wouldn't have listened or believed the warnings. I guess this goes back to life's ups and downs, and that we all must learn in our own way. So this life and this war remains like all wars, with no winners and no losers. Nobody ever really wins in battle. There are only survivors, and as a survivor, I will become stronger from the experience. Since happiness is a perspective, even in my moments of sadness, I choose happiness. I suppose the naive girl in me does still exist with the strong General at her side. That's life...the duality of strength and innocence, war and peace and of course....love and loss.

Gotta Flirt!

Why flirt? Well, flirting is a dialogue between two people attracted to each other. It's especially important for couples in long term relationships, to help them work on the art of flirting. If you have no desire to flirt, or you can barely stand your partner, then of course flirting will be virtually impossible. If however, you are pretty happy with your partner but things have gotten a bit boring, perhaps it's time to create a bit more passion in your relationship by flirting. I bet you flirted in the beginning? Most people pour their all into the beginning of a relationship and then kick back and coast, once things are solid. That's a big mistake. Although it's certainly wonderful to be secure in a relationship and feel like you can be yourself, you also have some potential barriers, due to being so darn comfortable with one another. Once you are comfortable, you might not dress to impress anymore. You might not shave as often, or groom as meticulously, plus you might have progressed onto the burp and other bodily noises category, which were absent in the beginning. Those things aren't romantic and that means, flirting needs to be a conscious act, geared at preserving and increasing attraction between committed partners. Many men think flirting is ridiculous. Of course players (male or female) know the power of flirtation works. You don't have to be a player though, to improve your flirtation skills. Look guys, women love flirting and it's a precursor to becoming intimate. Women need to be seduced generally, and flirting is a subtle way to let her know that you are attracted to her way before lights out. This is a win-win situation. You win because she feels more attractive and she wins, because she then becomes more attracted to you as a result. What are basic types of flirting? Compliments, calling her sexy or baby, telling her you are thinking about her, surprising her with a flower, and any type of attentive gesture. If you have never been good at flirting or you just feel plain awkward flirting, start out small with a text. You do not have to write poems, love songs or be a romeo to flirt. Just be sincere and make an effort. This also goes for the women too. Some women have a tough time flirting and many more women have a tough time receiving compliments as well. Just don't neglect the simple art of flirting with one another. It really does pay off in the end, with both partners feeling increased closeness and appreciation for one another. If flirting is dead in your relationship and you have no desire to resurrect it, then flirtation advice will be as beneficial as trying to sell snow to an Eskimo. For the rest of you, let the flirting begin!

Back to School, Volunteer, Mom

    Before this school year began, I received a flurry of e-mails from NPHS, my 15 year old son's school. They were begging for volunteers to help in the library with text book distribution. I have always volunteered to help in my children's schools. However, my son is a sophomore and I knew that he would not be thrilled at the prospect of seeing me anywhere on school property, at least not while he was there. I get it. In psychology, its called differentiation. Simple version, "I love you mom but pretend that you don't know me when I'm at school!" I couldn't ignore the continued plea's for help though and finally I signed up to help. Apparently, other kids at school don't want their parents helping out either, leaving the school in desperate need of volunteers. I think it's pretty funny now, reflecting back on the days when he was in elementary school and the teacher would have to draw names from a hat to decide which parents could chaperone field trips because so many parents had volunteered to attend. That's when we parents were welcome to  help at school with open arms and eager smiles from our children. Those days are now long gone.

    I volunteered for one shift and once again, my son made me promise to pretend that I didn't know him. I guess I told him a white lie, because I agreed. Later that day, when he walked into the library to get his books, I gave him a slightly friendlier "hi" with a mischievous grin. I was sort of teasing him a little, knowing he was starting to panic, wondering if I was about to blurt out something embarrassing like, "It's my handsome little boy," (who happens to be 6'2) and "Mommy loves you!" I played it cool though and only slightly embarrassed him by calling him by his name. I know, what was I thinking? I had promised to pretend to not know him.  

    Here is the catch, I graduated from NPHS 32 years ago! Yep, I was a Panther too, and wore black and gold with pride, the school colors. I sat in the quad with friends back then, talking endlessly about things that girls talk about. We actually talked back then, since cell phones were something that we could have never even have conceived of in the early 1980's. I too picked up my text books in that same library and gave hugs to friends as we compared schedules during our orientation. I stood there at the door of the library last week, reflecting back to my days at NPHS and all that I had imagined would be ahead of me, when I walked those corridors. I met a fellow mom, also there to help highlight classes and point students in the direction of their book pick up. Her son wasn't so strict about the mom on campus rule and she was allowed to actually have a conversation with him. Imagine that! 

    Hundreds of students had to stop at us first, waiting for us to highlight their classes, before getting their books. Most students were very friendly and many didn't even look up at us. One memorable student had a list of classes that probably made his parents proud. His classes were not only honors but he was doubling up on some subjects. His parents may love that their son is clearly at the top of his class. His behavior on the other hand, something not to be proud of. Already at 15 or so, he was condescending and rude. We tried to predict his future profession, probably a surgeon with terrible bedside manner. 

   I remember being that age. Many planning on attending college, dreaming about career options, aspirations of making money, family and of being a success. All of those hopes and dreams of life beyond high school. Its a memorable time. If you had asked me 32 years ago, if I would have been volunteering in the NPHS library, helping students find textbooks in my future, I would have thought that sounded crazier than the thought of having devices that sent messages and were portable phones and camera's all in one. I guess both crazy notions came true. 

     As students walked out of the library last week with their piles of books, I wanted so badly to whisper in their ears and share a little wisdom that I have gained over the past 32 years since graduating from high school. "You'll set out to achieve many things, but nothing is more rewarding than helping others out. It costs nothing, you get no pay, most don't even know you are helping, but it's rewarding nonetheless. I know some programs require volunteer hours, but the reward is knowing that you helped someone or something outside of yourself. Trust me, without volunteers, organizations including schools, shelters, hospitals, Red Cross and many non-profits, wouldn't be able to assist as many as they do. You'll learn many subjects in school but the ability to learn, to work together and to adapt can't be found in a book. It's a life skill. Just because you are earning an A, doesn't mean you are learning. Lastly, have fun. I was so focused on college and beyond, that I might have missed just enjoying hanging out with friends on the quad, checking out cute guys. Oh, don't get me wrong, I did pine over many cute guys back then! Once you are a grown up however, raising kids and working, those endless days of hanging out with friends is a distant memory." The last thing I wanted to share with those students as they passed by is this. "The two volunteers that you passed in the library, one is lawyer and the other is a psychotherapist. Yet, our careers have less meaning now, and we gladly help out at our children's schools. So the next time you pass a chaperone at a dance, someone handing out schedules, or anyone helping out at anything, out of the kindness in their hearts, remember this....that could be you many, many years from now. You will likely help out one day at your child's school or you might even decide to give back by becoming a teacher or a future Principal. Either way, don't forget that it's not all about the goals, it's also about the experience along the way. Oh and hopefully, your child will allow you on campus and allow you to slightly look his or her way, but probably not."
    My final thought isn't for the students, its for all the grown-ups. Yeah us, those of us ranging in age of barely past the legal drinking age to retirement and beyond. We all had our goals too. What is important now? Are you living, loving and helping yourself fully or are you still the high school student, going through the motions but not learning anything? Only you know the answer.    

    

On-line Dating Game

I have been counseling men and women for many years through divorces and have heard all of their stories about dating again. A common theme with all of them, on-line dating sites like Match.com. I have actually encouraged clients through the years to go on dating sites as a way to get back out there. I entered into the arena of dating again 5 years ago after a 20 year marriage/relationship, and I had to check out on-line dating for myself. On-line dating seemed strange at first, since the way I had dated twenty years earlier was by meeting people out at bars or through friends. How bad could on-line dating be? After all, I had encouraged many others to do so. I joined Match.com and when I left my career field vague, I was getting a lot of winks (a way for guys to say they were interested) and e-mails. In fact, I was getting too many to keep up with. It is interesting to note that my responses slowed WAY down, once I listed psychotherapist as my profession. I did that on purpose to have a reprieve. I guess guys fear being analyzed. I was curious about my competition, so I did some research on female profiles (thanks to a male client, who graciously showed some to me) to see how women are representing themselves. My jaw was on the floor, looking at female profiles. Even to this day, it baffles me how women degrade, exploit and throw themselves at men through their profiles. Maybe I had been out of the dating game too long, perhaps dating had become a bit more shallow, or maybe I was just completely clueless. Here are some of the tag lines women listed on their profiles: "There is a height requirement to ride this ride," and "Toes in the water, toes in the sand, not a worry in the world, a cold drink in my hand...I want to find my best friend and hold his hand forever." One bleach blond had dozens of revealing photos and listed no requirements for her date....none! Maybe she should just say, "Anyone, anytime." One girl's tag line was "Blue eyed beauty, looking for a partner in crime." She'll find plenty of guys willing to partner up with her. Another gal writes "I'm an easy going, fun chick who's looking to mean somebody who will not only be a partner in life but a best friend." Perhaps she needs to partner up with a dictionary first. It could also be a Freudian slip, warning guys to stay away. One girl said she's a "UniqueWriter1." She's unique alright...her profile picture shows the biggest cleavage and she's straddling a cowboy bull ride. Perhaps she should change her name to UniqueRider1. One woman seems so sincere when her tag line says, "AnotherMother2." It sounds so sweet that she's a mom....but her first sentence says, "Here I am" and she is lying on a desk, half naked with her butt crack showing. There she is alright...nothing sweet about that photo. I'm sure she gets tons of winks and e-mails however. Other profile names for women include, ""Active Cupcake's, 1st Hot Chick and 3,2,1...here we go." Based on the photos I saw of the women, they were all competing to see who can get the most winks, e-mails and dates, of course. "A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become"...(Anita Wise). Okay, enough about the ladies, what are the guys saying in their profiles? One guy writes "It seams that I work to much and need to get out more." Maybe he should get together with the "Fun Chick needing dictionary" because they'd be a perfect match. Another guy has the nerve to put "Free trip to Hawaii or Mexico" as his profile name. Is he hoping that some of the women are dumb enough, or desperate enough to fall for it? That guy is in California and Mexico is only a drive away....but some woman might think she hit the lotto with him. There is a match for everyone. One guy listed as "Halloween," viewed my profile. There is nothing appealing about a guy calling himself Halloween....it sure scared me away. There are some cute profile names like, Jazznjava and oceanfun. Now, it's interesting to note that the guys say all the things that women want to hear. They say things like, "I'm looking for that special somebody," and "I'm looking for the ONE, is she out there." So interesting that the men (who tend to be less verbal and emotional) are spewing poetry practically on Match and revealing heart felt words indicating that they're "looking for their soul mates." They are looking for something alright, but it's probably not soul mates."The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men"...(Lupe Velez). The women are half naked, showing off their "best features" and seem to be playing down their brains and intelligence. Well, there it is right there on Match, the way of the world when it comes to the dating game. It's a game alright....one of needing to read between the lines, never believe what you read in profiles until you get to know them, and laugh as a way to cope with it all. To be fair, some people on Match are genuinely looking to find companionship and partnership. In a world where the bar scene is less than appealing, how else are you suppose to find other single people. In the dating scene as a whole, there are always going to be some just looking to score, but on-line is no exception. Now five years later, I can laugh at my initial shock of on-line dating. It was not horrible as a whole, but it certainly had its horrible moments. Unfortunately, it is the easiest way for busy people to sort of date, in the comforts of their own homes, while at work or browsing profiles on their phones on their way to work. However, on-line dating is not for the faint of heart. Most people on-line are professionals at it. Many have been on the sites for years and have no intentions of settling down, even though they may say so in their profiles. More often than not, people on dating sites want hook ups and many more hide behind facades. There is nothing genuine about on-line dating. The true gems are not the profiles that are filled with razzle, dazzle. The nice people have nice boring profiles that many overlook. Those are the ones to look for. A sincere person won't try to push things, sell themselves or start out saying crude things. A genuine person is also one that accurately portrays themselves. I am glad that I tried on-line dating and in fact, that is precisely how I met my boyfriend. His profile was sweet, simple and genuine. That being said though, I had to sort through many toads along the way and I'm in no rush to ever go back on-line to date ever again. In fact, I'd rather get a double root canal before ever logging onto another dating site! "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then"...(Katharine Hepburn).

Divine Love

"There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder"...(Charles Morgan). How do you know that you are in love or someone loves you. You just know, you feel it. Love gets confused and convoluted in arguments, complaints, blame and negotiations. There are certainly different types of love. You can love someone but not be "in love" with them and vice versa. Being "in love" however is unmistakable and it requires no analysis. The problem with love is that often people already know how they feel, they just talk themselves out of it or don't feel deserving of something so simple and pure, love. I see it all the time in counseling individuals and couples. People tell me stories of walking away from the loves of their lives because they were scared or thought all relationships would be as easy. They are not. Relationships based on a real heart connections are easier. Without the heart connection, you end up battling to feel understood, never feeling like they really know you or love you for who you are. Couples battle all the time because they picked each other based on what they wanted the other to be, not for who they really are. Often people don't truly accept themselves for who they are. It's difficult to attract or sustain a true love connection if you struggle with your own self acceptance. Until your internal battle is settled, you will attract people who treat you the way you feel you deserve to be treated. True love is a gift. It needs no defining. Movies and stories depict the beauty of true love. It is a deep soul connection. Time does not matter. You can live with someone for 25 years and not know or truly love one another and yet with true love, you can be together for months and feel like you've been together forever. Here are some inspiring quotes about true love. "Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving"...(Kahlil Gibran). "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread"...(Mother Teresa). "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love"...(Albert Einstein). "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit"...(Peter Ustinov). I have witnessed some heart warming love stories recently in counseling. One divorced client told me that she had never been in love with her spouse. Now that she is "in love," she is experiencing real love for the first time in her life. Another client had experienced a separation from the person he loved for a year. During that time, he realized how he pushed away the one person he truly loved by hiding his feelings. Now that they are reunited, he is much more willing to be vulnerable. He says that life is much "more fun and exciting" by having her in it. He knows that she brought him back to life. Love brings out the best in you and needs no analysis. Defenses however need to be looked at but love....it's so simple that if you just allow yourself to feel it, it's unmistakable and divine.

I Still Believe....

Love is just a word until someone comes along who breathes life into the word and into your heart and quite suddenly, love has meaning. Matters of the heart are sensitive and unique to each individual. What makes us fall in love with one individual and not another? What is love at its core? Love is so incredibly irrational. It comes from the depth of our souls and no amount of arguing can talk you out of it. It is such a profound soul connection between two people. The difficulty however is managing love in the midst of life, timing, defenses and circumstances. I love the movie, "Love in the Time of Cholera." It depicts how two individuals who clearly love each other, get side tracked by obligations, expectations and life. They are kept from each other until they are in their 60's, when they finally have a chance to be together. It depicts the beauty of love never fading. I also like the song, "Breathe" by Taylor Swift. It describes how she has to walk away from someone she loves and is so upset that she can barely breathe. That's what love does to people, it turns the most composed people into emotional wrecks. This blog is about love because with all of the sorrow and pain that comes with love, we all still go on trying to find it. The pain and sorrow is worth it because it means you opened your heart. Better to have opened your heart than remain closed up in a shell your entire life. Most people stay in their shells, guarded, jaded, making excuses to keep their hearts closed up. Many more stay in loveless marriages, become bitter or give up on themselves and love all together. Love is not a fairy tale like Cinderella but when you feel love for even one second, it is a feeling like no other. Love may begin with a dream, a fantasy or chemistry but it continues with opening your heart, a leap of faith and taking a risk. Often times, people are just too afraid to take that leap of faith. I am counseling several individuals in the center of attempting to make love work and some are in the midst of loss and pain due to loving. One client is incredibly sad at having to say good-bye to someone she loves. She does not regret loving him but is heartbroken that they have to part ways due to his fears. Another couple warm my heart because they clearly adore each other. They are taking the risk to be together but their fears are about trust and in navigating through their defenses. Defenses can be like a mine field for a couple. You have to walk carefully and gently around the mines to understand one another until most of the mines become disarmed. Love takes time and continued patience. The song "I Believe," inspired this entire blog and came from some dreams I had. The lyrics are: "Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand. Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand. Open up your mind and then open up your heart. You will see that you and me, we aren't very far apart. Because, I believe that love is the answer.... I believe that love will find a way." So, even if you are currently shedding tears in the name of love, always believe in it. Pain honors love and means that you were willing to open your heart. It is a tribute to your strength and to the beauty of loving. Love gives meaning to life and when it works and two people are in synch with letting love flow, it is one of life's miracles. “One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter"...(James Earl Jones). “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul"...(Judy Garland).

Just One More....

Appreciate the simple things. Those from the other side might say this to us here.....
"I just wish for one more day....one more belly laugh, one more chocolate shake with whipped cream and a cherry, one more whiff of apple pie baking in the oven, one more sweet kiss, one more moment standing around the warmth of a fire on a brisk night, one more gooey-delicious s'more, one more spring day watching the flowers come back to life, one more walk on the beach, one more sunset and one more embrace... The type of hug that makes you feel warm and that all is right with the world. I just wish that everyone truly cherished each and every day they have on earth to appreciate all of the amazing moments that everyone takes for granted until they can no longer enjoy those moments because the end has come and life slips away quietly with one last breath. Savor each moment as if it's your last and you will make me smile on the other side because I know that you are not wasting those moments but instead valuing life. The bitter and the sweet in life is a part of every journey, so enjoy and I'll enjoy those moments too, through your eyes. Don't cry for me, cry for those around you alive, yet not living. I lived my days to the fullest and I hope you do too."

(A tribute to a young soul who died too young from cancer)

Joy and Pain

"This too shall pass" is a wonderful saying. It's a life preserver of sorts. Those four words are a reminder that no matter how horrible or how ecstatic things are....it too will pass. The saying is a life preserver of sorts because people often are seeking some kind of comfort when they have hit their worse times, those moments when all seems bleak and you feel as if there is no hope. Mostly people are seeking comfort when things seem to be at their worse. People often don't seek inspiration or words of wisdom when they are flying high from a successful moment. I like the reminder that those words can help keep us grounded both when things appear awful and when life is a celebration. Often we all get hung up on those moments in life that are blissful, so much so that people then feel let down, disappointed and upset when life brings hardships. Both bliss and pain are a part of life but the saying reminds us that everything is temporary. Nothing lasts forever and in fact...pain is the prelude and the best teacher of joy. When we embrace pain, we transform it into into love. When we embrace joy, we transform life into heaven, one in which pain and joy are not separate....they are one. Often people in pain are desperate for it to go away. They fight the pain, run from their pain and blame everyone else for their suffering. Some even blame god and in the process, they oppose their own experiences and lessons. That only brings more pain and suffering. Ever notice that some of the happiest people are those who have transformed themselves through their struggles, not in spite of them. One's journey of experiences is our path alone and we honor our path by honoring our pain. This too shall pass is a saying of acceptance. Acceptance of life, acceptance of joy and embracing all of life's experiences and emotions. There really are no bad feelings. Experiences cannot control you if you just accept them as part of life. You might try to argue with yourself, "but I've been through terrible things." Gratitude for every experience that has come your way is true acceptance. No matter what you are going through...whether you are enjoying a moment of bliss or the toughest time of your life..."This too shall pass"~(1 Corinthians 10:12).

The Birth of a Mom

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body"...(Elizabeth Stone). You always wonder and certainly idealize, what kind of parent you will be before you have children. In your fantasy, you imagine all of the wonderful moments ahead of you. Thank god for healthy denial, otherwise nobody would ever have children. The truth is, parenthood is hard work! As my babysitter said today in a card to me, "Holy crap, motherhood is hard...thank you for illuminating how rewarding yet challenging motherhood can be." My own mother did not have an easy road to travel as a parent. She had her first baby at 17 years old, practically a baby herself. Living in a small town in middle America in 1960 meant that there was a lot of pressure to marry my dad to make things right. So, right before their senior year in high school, they walked down the isle. Not surprising, six years later after many ups and downs, they decided to divorce. Their union started with a surprise pregnancy and ended with a surprise pregnancy. That's where I come in. They were starting to separate when my mom discovered she was pregnant with me. I guess you could say that I slid in under the wire. I was born two months early and spent the first weeks of my life in an incubator. At 23 years old, there my mom was with two young children, going through a divorce. I would say that she was initiated into motherhood quite suddenly, with lots of family pressures around her as she was still trying to grow up herself. It certainly explains a lot. Many young women are going through that right now. I learned from my mother's journey and decided to have children when I was older. I did not want to struggle as much as she did. I had my first child at 34, so I had the benefit of more security and maturity before I had children. Before I had children, I would silently observe parents and say stupid things to myself like, "I will never let my kids get away with this or that." Yeah well, you can be the best parent in your head until you are actually raising kids. You find yourself doing lots of things you said you never would. I love this quote, "Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories"....(John Wilmot). I have more compassion for the difficult journey my mom had raising kids while she was still growing up, because even with waiting until I was older, I was amazed after my oldest was born, at how absolutely exhausting and overwhelming parenthood could be. Now 15 years later and with three children, I have many amazing moments mixed in with countless moments that push your patience to the absolute breaking point. My favorite moments are watching them grow and learn about themselves. Of course my heart melts when they give me a handmade Mother's Day card, that they are so proud of creating. They have taught me the importance of valuing how incredibly unique each and every one of us are. I've allowed them to be themselves, not some projected image that I want them to be. That's not always easy, but I want them to be themselves, with some much needed guidance along the way. In giving them space to uniquely express who they are, I have learned to value myself as a mother even more. I had to learn to let go of a script I had in my head of what makes a good mother and find my own way. It took practice and patience with myself to go against society, family or friends versions of parenthood. I had to trust my intuition, allow myself to make mistakes and learn from trial and error. I hear women all the time, being so hard on themselves about every perceived error as a parent. If your heart is in the right place, children don't really notice that you may have forgotten to go to the market or made them pancakes for dinner because it was easy. Those things make you human. This Mother's Day, I will be hiking with my kids and will bask in every moment of being with them, even when they fight. I am just so incredibly grateful to have these three beautiful souls on this journey with me and couldn't be prouder to be their mother. Being a mother is the most rewarding and most exhausting lesson I've ever embraced!

Seeing Clearly

“The divorced person is like a man with a black patch over one eye: He looks rather dashing but the fact is that he has been through a maiming experience"....(Jo Coudert). Breaking up any relationship is a messy matter, complicated with two very different perspectives and a whole heap of emotions. I understand how movies like "War of The Roses" is not always far from the truth. How do you go from saying "I do" to not trusting each other, not really knowing each other and lots and lots of hurt. I look at my own wedding pictures and remember back to how naive I was. Sometimes the goal to get married is the central theme, not how to stay married. I was hopeful way back then and thought that we had what it took to defy the 50% divorce rate statistic. I was wrong. It's no body's fault really. Oh sure, like all couples, when the emotions get stirred up, the blame game begins. The blame game is completely draining and such a waste of energy. Hurt is hurt, no matter how much finger pointing you do. It could probably be traced back to the beginning for the both of us and some major short sightedness we had in ourselves at the time. We can only blame ourselves for the break down of the marriage and ultimately learn the valuable lessons each of us needed. I am a therapist and yet I could not even fix what became so broken between us. I am also in awe in how very different our perspectives are on just about everything that has ever happened. I observe it all of the time in sessions with couples but to experience it first hand is sobering. You would think that my ex and I literally lived two different lives based on how each of us would describe our perception of the relationship. That goes back to the point I have made that each of us paints our own version of reality. Again, neither of us is really wrong or right, we're just very different people. 

         I wrote the previous paragraph 5 years ago, almost to the day. I still maintain that each person has their own version of reality but now I have some added perspective. I was blind, yes blind....for most of my marriage. I never saw what was real, nor did I accept how bad things really were. I had an uncanny way of glossing over the bad parts and glamorizing the good. I suppose that this style of coping is quite normal. Some do the opposite, they only focus on the bad and minimize the good. Those types of people can never be happy. My version kept me functioning in a pretend happy, type of way. At first, when we were separating, I cycled through peaks and valley's of mourning the loss of what was and what I hoped it would be. I was so excited five years ago about a new path and tried to navigate my way through the present moment at the time. As time marched on, year after year, my mourning has turned into shock. I'm more shocked now at what I put up with for so many years, and surprised in my own ability to tune out what was really going on! Yikes, I was just way too optimistic and forgiving! LOL. I guess the healer in me always wants to believe the best in folks, but sadly...some people just have not so nice intentions. Here is the best analysis that I can muster up, to explain my incredible tolerance for not so nice behavior. In my family, divorce was pretty much the norm and I decided years ago that I would never get divorced. That was a lot of pressure to put on myself, to carry the burden of fixing an issue that was pervasive throughout my family system. I also had no tools as to how to honor myself enough to navigate choosing a partner for the right reasons. That is an issue many people are guilty of. We do the best we can at the time with the emotional tools we have available to us. As we get older, our emotional tool chest broadens and we shift and change, which is why relationships go through growing pains or just break apart eventually, because we grow and our expectations and tolerance changes. Often, two people begin to hinder each others growth and staying together would just create more pain than letting go. I also observed many adults not honoring themselves and I just followed suit. So here I am, five years wiser and I'm so glad that I am shocked at my past tolerance because it means I've grown. The absolute best gift from my broken marriage is my three amazing children whom make life absolutely magical. I watch them and am so sure that they are the best of my ex and I. They are the miracle that teach me that there are no mistakes, only opportunities. As I continue to move forward, forgiveness is my lesson. All of those that have hurt us have their own lessons, and their own timing in learning those lessons. Yeah, sometimes I pray hard for karma, but that is in gods hands. I have found that some people choose to hold each other hostage in pain and anger the rest of their lives. I see that dynamic clearly now and when we all have the strength to leave situations that kept us hostage, so we have the choice to break the chains, no matter what form others attempt to control us with. Trust me, just because you divorce does not mean that dynamic is broken, it just takes a different form. My lesson is appreciation and forgiveness. It's been the only thing that keeps me free. "Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions"...(Gerald Jampolsky).

Strong in the Broken Places

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places"....(Ernest Hemingway). Recently, a client made the huge decision to finally end his 16 year marriage. He has been thinking about this for years. He described his marriage as an arrangement, "two people living as roommates for years." The reasons that brought them together have faded and as time marched on, they grew further and further apart. They lived separate lives, both had affairs and whenever they attempted to broach the subject of their failing marriage, defenses would kick in and one or the other would rush in to establish the old order. The message, "We may be miserable but don't rock the boat." Many people live like this in their lives, whether it be in relationships of all kinds or jobs they loathe. This mentality does not only apply to marriages. People fear change, above almost anything else! In addition, for some reason, people feel they deserve suffering. Some stay suffering out of pride, others out of deeply rooted fears. Either way, you are failing yourself if you refuse to address the suffering. Once you acknowledge the pain, then you can take the steps to find a solution. Again though, often people are terrified if the solution means major changes. Major changes are necessary and help us grow. Sure stability and security are nice things too but not at the price of your integrity. My client was feeling mixed emotions about the separation. Although he'd be the first to admit openly that he was not in love with his wife, he was terrified about finances, custody, and how his spouse would handle the separation. As expected, she reacted with rage because he had dared to change the rules on her. I complimented him, saying that it took great strength to finally admit the marriage was over. He looked surprised, saying "I don't feel very strong right now, I feel like an emotional mess." That's the beauty of it, when you feel at your absolute weakest, you are actually the strongest you've been in a long time. It does not take strength to live double lives, having affairs and denying reality. That's avoidance. It takes incredible strength to face your deepest fears, your perceptions and finally own how you feel once and for all and then do something about it. My client looked relieved to hear that underneath his fears, worries and doubts was incredible strength bubbling forth. We are all strong in the places in our souls that have endured pain and suffering. It is through the pain we recognize our truths and find the strength to change our lives. We learn to turn that pain into resilency, optomism and courage. Sure, it takes time for the broken places to get stronger. It just takes time, if you just trust the process, nurturing hope and dreams of a new future. The wounds remain but the newfound strengths are your reward. “Time discovers truth"....(Seneca). “We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams"...(Jeremy Irons).

Intuition Rocks!

"All great men are gifted with intuition. They know without reasoning or analysis, what they need to know"...(Alexis Carrel). Tonight I watched one of my all time favorite movies, "August Rush." It is a little known movie that has more heart than most movies released these days. It is a touching story about something I repeat often....following your heart. The movie is about a boy who feels the music and he intuitively knows that the music is leading him to his parents. It is also a love story and shows how sometimes adults can lose their way. It is about gut feelings and an inner knowledge that the "energy" is guiding them. I suppose you could say that the movie is very metaphysical in nature. Have you ever had an intuitive moment that guided you to call someone or to head in a certain direction? Most people have. Often though, people dismiss their intuition in favor of logic. Seems to me that intuition is very much as real (if not more) than what is concrete and logical. We are all actually very telepathic but it is like a muscle that needs to be stretched. With practice and continued awareness, your intuition can get stronger. "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift"....(Albert Einstein). Intuition attempts to give us messages all of the time if you just begin to quiet the mind and listen. Intuition is relentless however and if you keep dismissing it during waking hours, you will be bombarded with intuitive messages in your dream life. Even if you are in touch with your intuitive self, our dream life is another venue for receiving guidance. In counseling many individuals, more people than you might expect have disclosed to me "wacky" moments where intuition was guiding them. Often people are afraid to tell others because they fear seeming crazy. From men and women I hear story after story of synchronicity, messages and dreams showing them the way. You might be surprised to know that some of the most logical guys have secretly told me that they have had intuitive moments. Intuition is an energy that cannot be seen and falls into the realm of spirit. It is our souls way of getting our attention. It comes from the depths of who we are as well as the unseen all around us. It's like when you are heading in one direction and there comes such a strong pull to take a different road. You follow the intuition, just knowing that it "feels right." Later you discover that the new path led you right where you were suppose to be. When it just feels right, even when your logic is sounding alarms, you know that intuition is guiding you. It takes practice in faith and trust to really begin to follow your intuition. We live in a world that honors the rational and logical, so many people are on their own in trying to navigate life using their intuition. The positive side however is that you are not considered too crazy these days if you talk about messages, spirit guides or intuition thanks to shows like John Edwards, Oprah and numerous psychics with books on the market or shows on cable. I received a message in a dream while on vacation that I was going to be pulled over on my way home from the trip but that I would just receive a warning. The following day, I remembered the dream and I made sure to follow the speed limits pretty faithfully. At dusk I was distracted with the kids and suddenly realized that I had missed my turn, a turn I have never missed in all of the years I've been going to Lake Placid. Just at that moment I noticed a police car flip around and turn on its lights. There it was, I was being pulled over just like in the dream. I was actually smiling when he came up to the window because I already knew that he was only going to issue me a warning. He told me to slow down and directed me back to my turn. Once I took off and turned back around to take my turn, I noticed that he had pulled someone else over already. Several minutes later on down the road, several more police cars went speeding by with lights and sirens. Apparently, the next person he pulled over was not just a warning. The lesson was that he needed to pull me over to be in the right place at the right time to pull the next guy over, who was clearly someone who needed to be detained by the police. The dream was intuition giving me a message to not sweat it when I got pulled over. I was also not suppose to avoid it (and couldn't any way), so I played my part beautifully. Intuition offers us a gift every day, the gift of divine knowledge and opportunities to tune into a deeper meaning to life. Honor the intuitive in you and begin to wake up to the guidance it can offer you. "For whereas the mind works in possibilities, the intuitions work in actualities, and what you intuitively desire, that is possible to you. Whereas what you mentally or "consciously" desire is nine times out of ten impossible; hitch your wagon to a star, or you will just stay where you are"...(D. H. Lawrence). "Intuition comes very close to clairvoyance; it appears to be the extrasensory perception of reality"...(Alexis Carrel). "The only real valuable thing is intuition"...(Albert Einstein).

Believe in Yourself

There is an 80's song by Pebbles called "Mercedes." It was very popular at the time and is a sexual song about taking the guy for a ride in her Mercedes. I like the analogy though for the girl being the Mercedes. If more women treated themselves like a Mercedes, more men would treat them that way too. Women need to stop running around catering to men who behave badly. Women see what they want to see in men, not what is really presented in front of them. Believe me, I have been super guilty of doing this myself. If women stop giving, convincing, and chasing to instead pay closer attention, they'd see very quickly that more often than not, some of those partnerships they are in, just don't appreciate them. Through the years I have seen countless examples of very angry women who finally hit their boiling point after many years of bending over backwards for the men they love. You see, as women, we give to others what we want in return. I also know quite a few nurturing men who have also been taken for granted by selfish partners! I have to say that originally, I wrote this article with a define tilt toward women. I have met so many nurturing men however, whom were steam rolled by selfish women. Needless to say, all relationships, heterosexual/gay/lesbian, can have this dynamic happen to them, so I'm shifting the focus to call those who give, nurturers. Nurturers play nice, do sweet things for others and will drop everything to help someone in need. Many partners however, do not play by those rules. When I talk with the men and women who acted selfishly, they are often shocked as to why their spouses are so upset. Some of them gladly allowed their spouses to cater to them, getting defensive when their partners can't take it anymore. This can happen early on in a relationship, establishing a pattern that carries on for years. Some of the partners are genuinely upset when they realize that their marriages may be over at that point, but some couples just cannot recover. The selfish men and women often feel entitled to demand excessively and have no shame in giving little in return. Selfish people will often defend their right to be selfish to the bitter end. This is a wake up call for all of you nice, nurturing women and men. Give the extra nurturing you have to people who will appreciate you. If you aren't being treated fairly, set needed boundaries and certainly end things if your partner refuses to be respectful. As for selfish partners, they don't really need you to bend over backwards for them but they'll gladly let you do all of the work at home or in the relationship if you think that you are suppose to. As a society, we girls (and some boys) are raised to take care of others and make sure everyone is happy. More often than not, we witnessed mothers catering to husbands and brothers, but some have witnessed their dads catering to their moms. I have watched men and women from every walk of life do ridiculous things for their partners. The over doing it includes: buying piles of presents for them on every holiday, running around town to find their mates favorite foods, cooking 4 course meals and on and on. It's great when couples do considerate things for each other.....but the key words there are "for each other." The more you give, the more you should receive, but relationships with selfish people do not follow those guidelines. Selfish people take, take and take more, then get mad at you no matter how much you give. Nurturers sell themselves short when it comes to partnerships and begin feeling under appreciated when their partners start taking all of those sweet behaviors for granted. They will appreciate you more when you do less. Truly selfish people get mad at you when you do less, but that's a warning sign that you are in a no win situation! This imbalance in relationships only gets worse when children are involved because these nurturers give every ounce of themselves to everyone else and have nothing left for themselves. Why are so many men and women allowing this destructive cycle? Why are so many selfish people soaking up all of the care taking while their partners are exhausted, crying, frazzled and desperately needing help? Is it any wonder that many relationships often get to a point when they no longer see their mates as sexually attractive, they view them more like their children. Why are nurturers perpetuating this cycle by continuing to reward bad behavior? If your child throws a plate of food on the floor, do you say, "It's okay sweetie, I'll make you another one." Oh sure, those partners may be cursing their spouses under their breath but they do not halt the behavior. Let's rewind to the beginning. Usually you can see the dynamic beginning to build during the dating process, but not always. More often than not, selfish people hide their selfishness until they've got you hooked! Do not cater to a partners every whim while you are dating and certainly, be aware of the wolf in sheep's clothing possibility. Self respect and self esteem are the key concepts here. The more you value yourself, the more you will attract a partner that values you. The relationship dynamic should be one of reciprocal give and take. If you are giving and they are taking, then the balance is already off. At that point, pull back and give nothing until the balance is restored. If the partner refuses to do anything once you pull back, then you received the answer you needed, that they'll only take. That should be your cue to leave the relationship. Some partners will step up and correct the imbalance once you let them know through your behavior that you will not be allowing it any more. Often those people grew up in homes where they saw one parent catering to the other and they thought that was normal. There needs to be a new normal because I witness this destructive pattern all of the time. Nurturers need to improve their self worth to value themselves enough to set much needed limits, to allow partners to do for themselves and to never allow others to treat them badly. No relationship is worth your self respect. You should also never feel "lucky" to have a relationship, you should always feel worthy and happy to have found each other. Selfish partners need to work on their self esteem too. Some need to address why they have anger problems, end up detached from their children or would treat partners they say they "love" terribly. Get ready for this one.... you are number one! I certainly don't mean it in a selfish way...I just mean that you have to take care of yourself. Selfish people often run with this concept and say.."But my therapist says that I'm justified in feeling this way and you should do more for me!" Selfish people need to take some ownership of their selfishness and sacrifice for others more. They are the toughest to rehabilitate though because it's never their problem or their fault, while the nurturers blame themselves easily. Regardless of the brainwashing you have been told, you should come first in front of everyone else. Of course our children are often first, but I've learned that caring for myself (eating right, exercising, etc) benefits my children too. I am a nurturer and it's just who I am, however, I am not a bitter nurturer anymore. I do take care of me every day and often, I will still help others. I just know when to walk away now. I don't ever regret giving to people who acted badly. I took the high road, but I end friendships now (and will end any type of relationship) if I see that the person will only take and plans to harm me emotionally. I hear so many nurturers say they feel "selfish" about putting themselves on the list, let alone first. You have to take care of yourself, otherwise you have nothing left for anyone else and you leave yourself in harms way of someone who does not respect your feelings. I'm not saying that you have to be mean, nasty or self centered about it, just make yourself a priority. You will respect yourself more for it and so will your partners. If your relationship shatters because you take care of yourself, then the relationship wasn't worth hanging onto. Relationships, friendships, and families need to get back to partnerships where people respect one another and work together. Take care of yourself, find yourself and show others that you value who you are. More importantly, guide some of that wonderful nurturing back onto yourself. Nurturers...you've been believing in others your entire life.....it's time to believe in you!

Love

I originally wrote this blog article on 10/21/09, a little over five years ago. This is one of my favorite articles because of course it is all about love and truly exemplifies the essence of who I am. I have gone through so much over the past five years and have grown in more ways than I ever imagined. The journey of love starts with yourself. I have had to do some serious soul searching each and every day, to discover the wonder of what love is really all about. I have shed tears over love, dreamt, hoped and wondered about love. I just live each day knowing that love is a feeling and it can be felt whether you are near or far from those you love. Love is far from rational and defies all laws of physics. Some days I struggle with pain, bitterness, despair and apathy but I don't allow it for long since love somehow finds a way to shine thru and jolt me out of the pain. Love is the only thing that makes any sense in this world.. So I choose love.

"All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love"…(Leo Tolstoy). Love is the energy of the heart. It is expansive, endless, can heal and be felt to the depth of one's soul. There are numerous sayings about love: Love can move mountains; The power of love; Love heals all wounds and; Love makes the world go round. I say to my kids often, "I love you as big as the world, the universe and beyond." Love is all encompassing and mirrors the beauty of our souls. Love feels like listening to the most delightful song, when every cell of your body feels alive. Love helps us feel connected to humanity, the earth, every living creature, and to all that is. Love allows us to see the wonder of life and nurtures hope. When you no longer need the fortress to hide behind, love lights the way and illuminates your path. Love is unconditional and knows no bounds. Love seems to be felt more deeply from learning and experiencing the lessons of loss and pain. Regarding loving yourself, the line in the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" says it best when the author journals to herself, "I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you." Love is the biggest inspiration for poetry, movies, art and music. Here are some inspiring quotes about love: "I believe that love cannot be bought except with love"...(John Steinbeck): "A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge"...(Thomas Carlyle): "Brief is life but love is long"...(Alfred Lord Tennyson): "He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes"...(Buddha): "We can do no great things; only small things with great love"...(Mother Teresa): "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet"...(Plato): and of course the ever famous, "All you need is love"...(John Lennon & Paul McCartney). I also like Lucy's quote from the Peanuts cartoons, "All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! (Charles M. Schulz)." Love is being open and gloriously, willingly vulnerable. Love is the dream that never ends, for it imprints everything and everyone in it's path and never fades. Love is always worth any risk because loving now is the ultimate gift to yourself and others. Ultimately, you'll never regret loving but you will regret it if you don't let your love flow freely, without limits or restrictions. So, open your heart, follow your heart and let yourself love.

The Heart of Attraction

The issue of attraction has come up recently because a divorced client asked me how she goes about dating again and what she should look for this time around. In answering that question, I have to address another aspect of relationships between the sexes. Why is it that there seems to be some truth to the statement "nice guys/girls finish last." There are books out there like "The Rules," "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Why Men Love Bitches." These book titles say it all. Let's dive into this issue a bit more. I have counseled many men and in fact, more men then I ever imagined married women who were not very nice to them. The same goes for the women. I have counseled numerous smart, confident women who married men who may have been a fun challenge while they were dating but turned out to be guys who became abusive, aloof and self centered. Are men and women really marrying people they could "win" over versus being in love? Yes, it happens all the time. In addition, since so many people fear vulnerability, they attract partners who will keep them at a distance. The "chase" becomes the substitution for intimacy. How can men and women create some mystery in dating without outright pursuing people absolutely wrong for them. Hey, if someone enjoys being treated poorly and it works for them, then that's their choice. Sometimes however, people become confused and manipulated by the dating game. I've heard guys tell me that they loved the chase and that they married the girl who made them work for it. I've been told how those women stood them up on dates, played indifferent, kept them on the edge and were just plain selfish. The men however did not think things through and 10-20 years later, they end up miserable with these women because the leopard never changed its spots and what seemed attractive in the beginning turns into couples at war with one another. The same goes for the women who liked the guys who didn't seem that into them. Those women worked hard to win the guys over and they may have married them but equally end up resentful, taken for granted and upset that they were sold a bill of goods. Guess it shows that nice men and women sell themselves short and go for the challenge without first assessing whether there is true compatibility or whether the other person has "heart." What seems appealing about a guy cancelling a date to hang out with the guys? The chase makes that appealing but years later it's not so appealing when that same guy won't help out around the house and is nowhere in sight when you need him the most. The same can be said for the woman who seems confident and self assured while dating and ends up controlling, making her husband run in circles doing everything while she complains endlessly. Happily ever after certainly does not end up to be what happens. Chemistry is important too but so often people mistake the chase as chemistry when it is just the challenge of chasing something that seems alusive. With age comes more knowledge of life and of yourself and being able to assess the "not so nice" a lot easier. So, how do nice men and women find one another? Go for chemistry, heart and yes, a little chase is fine. Just don't be fooled by the nasty or selfish people in disguise because I have watched many people go down that route and it doesn't end well. Never lose yourself in a relationship. The biggest mistake I've watched men and women do again and again is to hand all of their power over to their partner. That doesn't end well either for both people. Both partners in that scenario end up resentful and angry at one another, especially if one refuses to participate in the unhealthy dynamic any further. Unless both people can recover from the imbalance and grow together, it usually ends up in estrangement or divorce. Never take a partnership for granted! Once you slip into cruise control in a relationship, don't be surprised when you end up with a broken down relationship or a ten car pile-up. Keep the integrity of who you are and allow each other the space to grow. Never be mean and nasty to one another, let alone disrepectful. If you discover terrible behavior early on from your partner, don't laugh it off. Try to discuss the problems in a relationship but if the disrespectful behavior continues.....run! Keep the romance and lust alive but remember that intimacy can really only happen between equals. If there is a power struggle in the relationship or lack of respect, then intimacy suffers. Don't forgo date night because you are too tired. Surprise one another and treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. Again, if you are doing all of the work and your partner is the one on cruise control, don't feel too guilty about calling it quits if they refuse to participate in the partnership. Freedom is key too. Each person should feel fully free to be in the partnership, even if they stay together the rest of their lives. Once you feel trapped, nagged, controlled and as if you are "doing time" you are in trouble. The bright side is that I am watching people come out of terrible marriages finally discovering who they are and what they want. They are attracting better suited people for their temperment and discovering how they can learn from their mistakes. There really is no such thing as a mistake, only more lessons and an opportunity to grow the most from learning the hard way. Back to how to date after a divorce. Learn from the past and remember that you don't need a partner to make you happy. Make yourself happy and attract someone you can have fun with and take it one day at a time. Follow your heart first and foremost and have a bit of an edge, just to keep them guessing but be genuine and comfortable with who you are. The "Ice Queens" and "Jerks" may have won the battle but they have not won the war, so never compromise the "nice" in you, just learn how to play the game a bit.

Two Hearts

While on a road trip to Lake Tahoe last week, a song started playing on the radio called, "Two is Better Than One." It is a touching song about love and it made me smile. In the meanwhile, some quotes have really resonated with me this week about love. “Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable”...(Dr. Joyce Brothers). Love can teach us the most about ourselves. Love is a journey and requires the utmost ability to let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Love can't be manipulated. That's not love, that's control and dependency. To learn about love, one generally has to go through learning about your defenses. With insight and wisdom comes the ability to see the other more clearly, not clouded with projections and misperceptions. Even with loving others, they may not be able to reciprocate that love for a variety of reasons. You can love them anyway. I counsel so many people who are in love with others but become frustrated when the other person is not able to show that love in return. "Love is patient, love is kind" as the passage from the bible so eloquently states. Sometimes in honoring yourself and in loving others, you may have to let someone go. As another famous quote states, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were"...(Richard Bach). In researching the quote by Richard Bach, I found another inspiring quote by him: “A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.” I've been contemplating love lately on my hikes. I remember my first crush. I was in the eighth grade and I was completely heartbroken (with tears streaming down my face) when I watched him dance with another girl at the 8th grade dance. Forget about the fact that he did not even know that I was alive. I had secretly hoped that he would ask me to dance anyway. It hurt nonetheless and I got my first dose of pain associated with caring for someone. I did get my wish however, five years later. He finally noticed that I was indeed alive and asked me to dance. If my memory serves me correctly, I may have even gotten kissed. Patience, patience, patience! During my high school years, I was again very dedicated in my crushes. Those crushes were safe because they required no vulnerability on my part. As I have learned through the years, vulnerability is the price of love, but worth the admission. The true key is two people willing to be vulnerable and take the risk at the same time. Otherwise, loving is still worth it but the timing may be off. Everyone has their lessons to learn and often love tastes all the sweeter after some sour (heartbreak and loss) has occurred. Regarding love, I think Richard Bach said it best with this quote, “True love stories never have endings." Be willing to be vulnerable.....take risks in love and open your heart because love can transform a wounded heart into one that can illuminate limitless possibilities.

Love and Loss

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"...(Kahlil Gibran). I have counseled many individuals who have gone through losses of people they have loved. Lately though, I have come across quite a few individuals who lost the loves of their life. I have talked about losses in divorces and split ups, but in those losses, individuals still had the choice to separate. In divorces, people split apart to learn, grow and develop in different directions and there is the optimism in finding love again. We all have seen the movies where true love reigns and people who are truly meant to be together, grow old with one another. What happens though in life when people find their "heart mate," that one person who really seems to be their other half and one partner dies unexpectedly? Love always finds a way but with that type of loss, one person is left feeling as if half of their heart is missing. That kind of love is envied by all and what many are really searching for. In life though, there are never guarantees about how much time heart mates will have together. That is why the gift of sharing that type of love is to be cherished and valued. Even one year or one month of that type of love can be worth a life time, if that is all the time the couple has with one another. Better to have spent that time together than to have missed out on that type of gift. The sadness and challenge though is for the surviving partner to find the will to live after that type of loss. No one can replace the lost love. One man told me after he lost his "true love," that people at the funeral told him, "You're still young-you'll find someone else." People mean well but that type of loss is so incredibly profound that "someone else" offers no comfort for the bereaved. Another woman told me that she still feels her husband's energy with her, everywhere she goes. She felt that she had found that one person who really understood her and loved her anyway. She says that life is a struggle without him because she and her mate had laughed at the same things and balanced each other perfectly. All of the surviving heart mates have told me that even with incredible love for one another, fighting was occasional and necessary but that their fighting was not purposefully mean or disrespectful. All relationships still require effort, even with a heart mate. Heart mates seem to make it all seem easier however because they are able to connect on a deeper level. The journey of loss is a difficult one, especially when people have found that kind of heart connection. The lesson is having the courage to embrace that type of union. Sometimes people have found their heart mates but are still too guarded to handle the union. Love is still experienced, even if people are not able to be together. There are many lessons either way. The courage in loving is in risking and as the famous saying goes, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." That quote is from a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson: "I hold it true, what e'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I know that there are no amount of words that can offer someone comfort who has faced that type of loss. Their journey is in finding a way to heal their heart by carrying reflections of their loved one with them in who they are, for in experiencing that type of love, you are changed forever. Their love is reflected in your memories and in the very essence of who you became from being loved and loving them. Love is always with you, even when one person leaves this life. Not even death can take it away. For whatever reasons, some younger people have crossed over recently, leaving their heart mates in deep sorrow. The journey for those individuals will be challenging, as they attempt to carry the "other" with them as they move forward and live their lives. I have watched as they have struggled even getting out of bed some days. There will be occasional dark days, filled with gut wrenching tears, anger and questioning but the process of experiencing those feelings honors the love they shared with their mate. Love finds a way in life and in loss. You just have to believe in your heart that there is higher purpose to everything that happens. Love can help you learn and it can help you heal. "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived"...(Margaret Mitchell). "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost"...(G. K. Chesterton). “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love”...(Washington Irving).

A Loyal Friend

Five years ago, during spring break, the kids and I went up to Saranac Lake to spend some time having fun. On day three of vacation, we completed our third hike... Baker Mountain. The kids did great and my usual trick to coax them up the trail with Ruffles to keep them going, was not necessary. My four year old Austin, gave me a look that morning that said it all, "Ya gotta be kidding me with another hike!" That day, speed was not important, they took their time and enjoyed every inch of the trail. Nature really is a natural amusement park! They slid down rocks every chance they got, jumped over puddles, jumped in puddles and used a fallen tree to ride like a see saw. We even stopped for a photo opportunity on a rock they nicknamed, "French Toast." It was interesting watching them purposely take the harder path on the trail because it was more challenging and more fun. Austin would just spontaneously park himself on the trail to rest and play. He did not complain, he would just break out into play, using sticks and rocks to battle each other. That's a boy for you. He even made me carry two of his battle sticks to the top of the mountain. He could have a future in forestry because he also likes picking up rocks on the trail and throwing them to the side. He could be in charge of clearing trails. Hiking the same mountain each day gave us the opportunity to see something new on the trail every day. I know that I have hiked this trail countless times, but with each season and each hike, the trail offers some new experience along with comfortable familiarity. Baker Mountain is a like a best friend to me, always waiting patiently for my return. Baker was one of my first hikes in the Adirondack mountains. Once I became an avid hiker, I left Baker to experience harder and longer hikes. I regarded Baker as "that easy hike." It was always great as a quick hike or a warm up but I pretty much neglected returning to it for years. Like in life, sometimes we neglect the people, things and places that are actually near and dear to us. Once I started having babies, my hiking waned for awhile and suddenly I found myself starting back at Baker again, this time carrying a baby on my back in a carrier. Baker was the trail welcoming me and helping me find my way back to something I love.....hiking. I thought that I was going to die the first couple of times hiking Baker again. Suddenly, I had gained a new respect for Baker and she felt like one of the harder high peaks to me. My perspective had shifted. Now that all of my kids can walk and thus hike on their own, Baker welcomes them with open arms too. I regard Baker as the queen of all hikes because young and old can enjoy her beauty. Families with dogs are often seen on the trail along with kids of all ages. There are many harder, gorgeous trails in the Adirondack's, but some are just too difficult for many to experience. I fully appreciate Baker now and thank her for her continued patience, beauty and grace. I've learned and reflected a lot about myself on that trail. I hiked Baker while I was a graduate student trying to find my way in life. I journeyed up Baker after having babies and now, I get to watch my own children learning about themselves as they hike her trail every year. I will always take time now to honor Baker, because she has helped me grow as a person. I will never take her for granted again and will be as loyal of a friend to her as she has been to me. “There may be more to learn from climbing the same mountain a hundred times than by climbing a hundred different mountains"...(Richard Nelson).