The Heart of Attraction

The issue of attraction has come up recently because a divorced client asked me how she goes about dating again and what she should look for this time around. In answering that question, I have to address another aspect of relationships between the sexes. Why is it that there seems to be some truth to the statement "nice guys/girls finish last." There are books out there like "The Rules," "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Why Men Love Bitches." These book titles say it all. Let's dive into this issue a bit more. I have counseled many men and in fact, more men then I ever imagined married women who were not very nice to them. The same goes for the women. I have counseled numerous smart, confident women who married men who may have been a fun challenge while they were dating but turned out to be guys who became abusive, aloof and self centered. Are men and women really marrying people they could "win" over versus being in love? Yes, it happens all the time. In addition, since so many people fear vulnerability, they attract partners who will keep them at a distance. The "chase" becomes the substitution for intimacy. How can men and women create some mystery in dating without outright pursuing people absolutely wrong for them. Hey, if someone enjoys being treated poorly and it works for them, then that's their choice. Sometimes however, people become confused and manipulated by the dating game. I've heard guys tell me that they loved the chase and that they married the girl who made them work for it. I've been told how those women stood them up on dates, played indifferent, kept them on the edge and were just plain selfish. The men however did not think things through and 10-20 years later, they end up miserable with these women because the leopard never changed its spots and what seemed attractive in the beginning turns into couples at war with one another. The same goes for the women who liked the guys who didn't seem that into them. Those women worked hard to win the guys over and they may have married them but equally end up resentful, taken for granted and upset that they were sold a bill of goods. Guess it shows that nice men and women sell themselves short and go for the challenge without first assessing whether there is true compatibility or whether the other person has "heart." What seems appealing about a guy cancelling a date to hang out with the guys? The chase makes that appealing but years later it's not so appealing when that same guy won't help out around the house and is nowhere in sight when you need him the most. The same can be said for the woman who seems confident and self assured while dating and ends up controlling, making her husband run in circles doing everything while she complains endlessly. Happily ever after certainly does not end up to be what happens. Chemistry is important too but so often people mistake the chase as chemistry when it is just the challenge of chasing something that seems alusive. With age comes more knowledge of life and of yourself and being able to assess the "not so nice" a lot easier. So, how do nice men and women find one another? Go for chemistry, heart and yes, a little chase is fine. Just don't be fooled by the nasty or selfish people in disguise because I have watched many people go down that route and it doesn't end well. Never lose yourself in a relationship. The biggest mistake I've watched men and women do again and again is to hand all of their power over to their partner. That doesn't end well either for both people. Both partners in that scenario end up resentful and angry at one another, especially if one refuses to participate in the unhealthy dynamic any further. Unless both people can recover from the imbalance and grow together, it usually ends up in estrangement or divorce. Never take a partnership for granted! Once you slip into cruise control in a relationship, don't be surprised when you end up with a broken down relationship or a ten car pile-up. Keep the integrity of who you are and allow each other the space to grow. Never be mean and nasty to one another, let alone disrepectful. If you discover terrible behavior early on from your partner, don't laugh it off. Try to discuss the problems in a relationship but if the disrespectful behavior continues.....run! Keep the romance and lust alive but remember that intimacy can really only happen between equals. If there is a power struggle in the relationship or lack of respect, then intimacy suffers. Don't forgo date night because you are too tired. Surprise one another and treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. Again, if you are doing all of the work and your partner is the one on cruise control, don't feel too guilty about calling it quits if they refuse to participate in the partnership. Freedom is key too. Each person should feel fully free to be in the partnership, even if they stay together the rest of their lives. Once you feel trapped, nagged, controlled and as if you are "doing time" you are in trouble. The bright side is that I am watching people come out of terrible marriages finally discovering who they are and what they want. They are attracting better suited people for their temperment and discovering how they can learn from their mistakes. There really is no such thing as a mistake, only more lessons and an opportunity to grow the most from learning the hard way. Back to how to date after a divorce. Learn from the past and remember that you don't need a partner to make you happy. Make yourself happy and attract someone you can have fun with and take it one day at a time. Follow your heart first and foremost and have a bit of an edge, just to keep them guessing but be genuine and comfortable with who you are. The "Ice Queens" and "Jerks" may have won the battle but they have not won the war, so never compromise the "nice" in you, just learn how to play the game a bit.