Believe in Yourself

There is an 80's song by Pebbles called "Mercedes." It was very popular at the time and is a sexual song about taking the guy for a ride in her Mercedes. I like the analogy though for the girl being the Mercedes. If more women treated themselves like a Mercedes, more men would treat them that way too. Women need to stop running around catering to men who behave badly. Women see what they want to see in men, not what is really presented in front of them. Believe me, I have been super guilty of doing this myself. If women stop giving, convincing, and chasing to instead pay closer attention, they'd see very quickly that more often than not, some of those partnerships they are in, just don't appreciate them. Through the years I have seen countless examples of very angry women who finally hit their boiling point after many years of bending over backwards for the men they love. You see, as women, we give to others what we want in return. I also know quite a few nurturing men who have also been taken for granted by selfish partners! I have to say that originally, I wrote this article with a define tilt toward women. I have met so many nurturing men however, whom were steam rolled by selfish women. Needless to say, all relationships, heterosexual/gay/lesbian, can have this dynamic happen to them, so I'm shifting the focus to call those who give, nurturers. Nurturers play nice, do sweet things for others and will drop everything to help someone in need. Many partners however, do not play by those rules. When I talk with the men and women who acted selfishly, they are often shocked as to why their spouses are so upset. Some of them gladly allowed their spouses to cater to them, getting defensive when their partners can't take it anymore. This can happen early on in a relationship, establishing a pattern that carries on for years. Some of the partners are genuinely upset when they realize that their marriages may be over at that point, but some couples just cannot recover. The selfish men and women often feel entitled to demand excessively and have no shame in giving little in return. Selfish people will often defend their right to be selfish to the bitter end. This is a wake up call for all of you nice, nurturing women and men. Give the extra nurturing you have to people who will appreciate you. If you aren't being treated fairly, set needed boundaries and certainly end things if your partner refuses to be respectful. As for selfish partners, they don't really need you to bend over backwards for them but they'll gladly let you do all of the work at home or in the relationship if you think that you are suppose to. As a society, we girls (and some boys) are raised to take care of others and make sure everyone is happy. More often than not, we witnessed mothers catering to husbands and brothers, but some have witnessed their dads catering to their moms. I have watched men and women from every walk of life do ridiculous things for their partners. The over doing it includes: buying piles of presents for them on every holiday, running around town to find their mates favorite foods, cooking 4 course meals and on and on. It's great when couples do considerate things for each other.....but the key words there are "for each other." The more you give, the more you should receive, but relationships with selfish people do not follow those guidelines. Selfish people take, take and take more, then get mad at you no matter how much you give. Nurturers sell themselves short when it comes to partnerships and begin feeling under appreciated when their partners start taking all of those sweet behaviors for granted. They will appreciate you more when you do less. Truly selfish people get mad at you when you do less, but that's a warning sign that you are in a no win situation! This imbalance in relationships only gets worse when children are involved because these nurturers give every ounce of themselves to everyone else and have nothing left for themselves. Why are so many men and women allowing this destructive cycle? Why are so many selfish people soaking up all of the care taking while their partners are exhausted, crying, frazzled and desperately needing help? Is it any wonder that many relationships often get to a point when they no longer see their mates as sexually attractive, they view them more like their children. Why are nurturers perpetuating this cycle by continuing to reward bad behavior? If your child throws a plate of food on the floor, do you say, "It's okay sweetie, I'll make you another one." Oh sure, those partners may be cursing their spouses under their breath but they do not halt the behavior. Let's rewind to the beginning. Usually you can see the dynamic beginning to build during the dating process, but not always. More often than not, selfish people hide their selfishness until they've got you hooked! Do not cater to a partners every whim while you are dating and certainly, be aware of the wolf in sheep's clothing possibility. Self respect and self esteem are the key concepts here. The more you value yourself, the more you will attract a partner that values you. The relationship dynamic should be one of reciprocal give and take. If you are giving and they are taking, then the balance is already off. At that point, pull back and give nothing until the balance is restored. If the partner refuses to do anything once you pull back, then you received the answer you needed, that they'll only take. That should be your cue to leave the relationship. Some partners will step up and correct the imbalance once you let them know through your behavior that you will not be allowing it any more. Often those people grew up in homes where they saw one parent catering to the other and they thought that was normal. There needs to be a new normal because I witness this destructive pattern all of the time. Nurturers need to improve their self worth to value themselves enough to set much needed limits, to allow partners to do for themselves and to never allow others to treat them badly. No relationship is worth your self respect. You should also never feel "lucky" to have a relationship, you should always feel worthy and happy to have found each other. Selfish partners need to work on their self esteem too. Some need to address why they have anger problems, end up detached from their children or would treat partners they say they "love" terribly. Get ready for this one.... you are number one! I certainly don't mean it in a selfish way...I just mean that you have to take care of yourself. Selfish people often run with this concept and say.."But my therapist says that I'm justified in feeling this way and you should do more for me!" Selfish people need to take some ownership of their selfishness and sacrifice for others more. They are the toughest to rehabilitate though because it's never their problem or their fault, while the nurturers blame themselves easily. Regardless of the brainwashing you have been told, you should come first in front of everyone else. Of course our children are often first, but I've learned that caring for myself (eating right, exercising, etc) benefits my children too. I am a nurturer and it's just who I am, however, I am not a bitter nurturer anymore. I do take care of me every day and often, I will still help others. I just know when to walk away now. I don't ever regret giving to people who acted badly. I took the high road, but I end friendships now (and will end any type of relationship) if I see that the person will only take and plans to harm me emotionally. I hear so many nurturers say they feel "selfish" about putting themselves on the list, let alone first. You have to take care of yourself, otherwise you have nothing left for anyone else and you leave yourself in harms way of someone who does not respect your feelings. I'm not saying that you have to be mean, nasty or self centered about it, just make yourself a priority. You will respect yourself more for it and so will your partners. If your relationship shatters because you take care of yourself, then the relationship wasn't worth hanging onto. Relationships, friendships, and families need to get back to partnerships where people respect one another and work together. Take care of yourself, find yourself and show others that you value who you are. More importantly, guide some of that wonderful nurturing back onto yourself. Nurturers...you've been believing in others your entire life.....it's time to believe in you!