Serendipity

"Serendipity is the art of making an unsought finding"...(Pek van Andel). I have found in life that often it is the completely unexpected that gives us the most profound moments. One minute we think we are heading in one direction and in a flash, without realizing it, we are hit by surprise and life takes a different course. Even the new road may veer off as well and head us to new forks in the road but nonetheless, they are paths we completely unexpected. To bridge this to love and relationships, people think they have love all planned and figured out, but true heart connections wreck havoc with plans and control. I have found again and again that people are thrown completely out of whack when they finally find what they say they have been looking for. The sad fact is that many run from the very thing they say they want. Happens all too often. Serendipity is still at work however, offering people the choice to discover their true hearts desires. The real test is whether you embrace that which is thrown in front of you or do you run and hide. The choice is yours and if you hide...you will have to face your demons and your fears as to why you couldn't embrace life's purest gift....the opportunity for love and a deep soul connection with someone. Here are some quotes about serendipity: "Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you’ve found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for"....(Lawrence Block). "In reality, serendipity accounts for one percent of the blessings we receive in life, work and love. The other 99 percent is due to our efforts"...(Peter McWilliams). "Serendipity is putting a quarter in the gumball machine and having three pieces come rattling out instead of one—all red"...(Peter H. Reynolds). "You don’t reach Serendipity by plotting a course for it. You have to set out in good faith for elsewhere and lose your bearings … serendipitously"....(John Barth). When serendipity occurs, we almost have to stop and take note that something magical just occurred. Just like one of the previous quotes however....you still have to decide if you are going to follow through with the required work and effort. Two people may have serendipitous moments....but one walks away and makes excuses as to why it doesn't make sense and the other embraces the gift and heads forward to experience all that the moment and experience has to offer. The choice is always there for each of us. Make no mistake however, you know serendipity occurs when something shakes you off of your daily experience....when something or someone catches you by surprise and suddenly life and all that it has to offer becomes so much more vivid and full of new possibilities. The last thing to say about this is that many men and women settle for mates that they try to change into what they want them to be versus finding someone who they embrace completely for who they are now. Trying to change people only leads to frustration and heartache but keeps people a safe distance from truly being connected. Many, many people really aren't strong and can't handle being connected in a real and profound way. Following your heart and embracing serendipity means even if you are afraid, you settle for nothing less than a partnership where each person cherishes each other completely. It also means you recognize the blessing in true chemistry and when chemistry is at it's best.....intense electricity occurs between individuals. Pay attention when you are in a crowded room and scan the couples that you see. You can tell when there is a deeper chemistry between two people in how they relate, their eye contact and body language. On the other hand....notice the rest of the couples, barely speaking, hardly looking at each other and they appear bored, distracted or as if they are biding their time. Why is that even though people claim they want deeper meaning in their lives and may even be offered their serendipitous moments, they retreat back into pain and hiding? That is the deeper question that people need to reflect and ponder about themselves. You know my vote....take the leap and embrace serendipity! One last thing however, even with serendipitous moments paired with a lot of courage and hard work...patience is often still required. Ultimately to get what your heart desires, one may have to persevere tests and set backs, to help you decide once and for all, what is it you truly desire. I had to laugh as I was writing this article, my computer took forever to download the picture and my internet service kept getting disconnected. In addition...although I started writing this on the 22nd, I didn't publish it until the early hours of the 24th because thoughts and feelings took time for me to decipher and unravel. So interestingly enough, my patience was tested tremendously while writing these words. In a strange way...it's what reminded me that patience is a must when following the signs that serendipity offers. Serendipity may offer the bread crumbs...but you have to find the strength within yourself, that whisper that turns into something more and it determines that the path is worth following no matter what the cost may be, because your heart will have it no other way. "Infinite patience brings immediate results"...(Wayne Calloway).

The Secret

I read on a facebook wall some disturbing words, written by a young teen...joking about how "rape is not rape if you like it." I know that she is writing those words from such a naive place and that she has so much still to learn about sexual awareness. Since I've been writing about sexual freedom and sexual exploration in previous articles, it only seems fitting to tackle the sad issue that comes with the territory of sex and that's rape. First, when I am discussing rape....I am really talking about the rape that occurs more frequently and generally goes unreported and that is acquaintance or date rape. According to legaldictionary.com "date rape is forcible sexual intercourse by a male acquaintance of a woman, during a voluntary social engagement in which the woman did not intend to submit to the sexual advances and resisted the acts by verbal refusals, denials or pleas to stop, and/or physical resistance." Statistics reflect that most rapes are perpetrated from people the women know and often trusted. Those types of rapes and coercion occur from dates, boyfriends, husbands, friends, neighbors and family members. The boundaries get blurred when rape occurs by people the women knew, which is why women struggle with shame when it comes to those rapes. When someone you know and trust crosses that line, many women simply find themselves in uncharted territory, not knowing how to navigate themselves through it. When a stranger at a party pushes the sexual envelope, women can often easier set a tougher boundary. But, when it's someone they like or trust, they don't want to believe that the person would actually harm or hurt them. Those types of rapes prey on a woman's vulnerability, their emotions. The other problem is that young women are not often coached in how to defend themselves against the subtle form of manipulation taking place. I've read the dating websites for men and the advice always includes tips on how to maneuver things to get sex. While that's well and good when women are empowered and know when and how to say no.....many young and unsuspecting women can be easy prey to such tactics. To make things worse, alcohol is often involved which impairs a women's judgment to make a clear decision. Most women I know who have been raped, disclosed that they believed the men who raped them, completely and utterly manipulated them and the situation. We have a problem in our society with sex and in how it is communicated to men and women. Sexual expression is a wonderful thing but only when it is mutual and done with the utmost respect. But, when young men are conditioned and encouraged to "score" and young women are pretty unsuspecting about the one track mind of young men...there is a big problem. In fact, as I've discussed, women are seduced with words so if young men know how to guilt the girl or tell her everything she yearns to hear, then he gets what he wants. Actually, I've talked with older women as well who tell me their husbands, dates and boyfriends use guilt tactics and manipulations to get sex as well, so this does not only apply to the younger men and women. Many women have been in those circumstances as well, where they felt very manipulated into bed, even if they would not call it rape. Here's were things get blurry, because men will say that women really say no but they mean yes. Of course mixed messages abound, especially when women are not very sexually empowered. Men though can use that as a defense which helps them condone their bad behavior with women. Regarding date rape...most will continue to go unreported because women have a tough time calling it rape when they know the person. Women also often blame themselves, feeling as if they must have done something to provoke the behavior. The shame and doubt that goes with the territory of date rape is normal. The bottom line is that no means no! Even a hesitation on the women's part should be respected. In addition, under no uncertain terms should a man pursue things sexually when a women is so intoxicated that she can barely stand, sit, speak, etc....let alone unconscious. Shouldn't men be protecting women instead of taking advantage of them when they are at their most vulnerable? I can't tell you how many rapes have been disclosed to me about women being raped while they were passed out or barely coherent. That is a very sad commentary about our society. Why would men ever find this behavior acceptable? I also don't want to demonize anyone on this issue. Sure, there are guys out there who are jerks and put their own needs above anyone else's who harm women and joke that "the women really wanted it." But, there are really nice guys out there too who perpetrate this behavior under the influence of alcohol or who rationalize their bad behavior because their needs became more important in the moment. This is an issue that both young men and women need further education on. In sum, nobody asks to be raped under any circumstance! The better men can get at respecting refusals for sex vs pushing further manipulations while women improve their ability to set and maintain boundaries, the better off both sexes will be when it comes to the dance of sexual relations.

She's Got Game

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions"...(Woody Allen).
"When it comes to sex, men generally wonder if they are going to get lucky, however women always know"...(Monica Piper). Women have a lot of power when it comes to the game of sex while dating and in relationships. I have written about how men can improve their odds by how they approach the women in their lives. Their game can make the difference. I had to laugh when I received an e-mail from a male dating website and compared that to one I received from a female dating web site on the same day. The one for men was advising men on sure fire ways to score with a women, including tips about always making out at her place or yours, but never on neutral territory, therefore improving the guys chances to get to second base and beyond. The advice was clearly saying that if you get a woman to a private place, then a home run is almost guaranteed. Now, the female dating website was offering advice on "how to target Mr. Right" and "how to get him to commit." I was laughing as I was comparing to two opinions. For men...it was about helping them score in the bedroom and for women, it was about commitment. Of course women don't really need advice on how to score. If a woman walks into a bar or says to her husband or date, "I want sex," more often than not she will get a home run. Women though do need to work on giving the men in their lives more freedom to flirt with them sexually. Generally, men look to the women for permission for more sexual freedom in a relationship. I can't tell you how many men I've counseled who told me that their wives won't even talk about sex with them. When women become more sexually confident and comfortable, then they can give their partners the green light to explore fun ways to keep the passion going outside of the bedroom. What are ways to have sexual flirting outside the bedroom? That's easy to answer...through texts (sexting is the nickname), e-mails, phone sex, and playful exchanges in person. Men often feel a bit awkward about initiating such exchanges because their partners might get angry with them or refuse sex altogether. Women in general have to get their game on. When women feel more empowered sexually, allowing themselves to flirt and play sensually both inside and outside of the bedroom, then chemistry with their partner naturally increases as well as just having a lot more fun. In addition, since women are emotional and can get so turned on just through words alone, then giving your partner permission to increase verbal sexual exchanges will only further arouse the female libido. Of course, the relationship needs to be intact and not fractured to add the element of sexual play. A fractured or broken relationship needs to address the imbalances first before the couple can improve their sex lives. Sexual problems in a relationship can point to numerous underlying, unresolved and deep seated problems. When a couple is healthy though and chemistry is flying, adding the dynamic of fun sexual play can and will increase desire and send the chemistry between them off the charts. "For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time"...(Isabel Allende).

A Different Time

"Do you believe in computer dating?...Only if the computers really love each other." -- (Groucho Marx). My seven year old daughter informed me that she has a book report due, but was behind on reading the book. I asked her to pull out the book and after I read the first chapter to her, she continued by reading out loud to me. The book is called "Sarah, Plain and Tall," written by Patricia MacLachlan. The book explores themes of loneliness and abandonment and is set in the western United States during 1910. The father in the story orders a mail order bride via an ad in a newspaper, since he is raising two children alone after his wife died many years earlier. While listening to the story, I was struck by the obvious and stark differences of life, less than 100 years ago. It's hard to believe, but in those days there was no Match.com, Internet dating or very many dating choices for that matter. There was enormous delayed gratification, since letters between him and his prospective bride took a lot of time to go back and forth. In these days of Internet dating, people have unlimited choices on the web sites. In some ways, people seem to take that for granted and people become replaceable and interchangeable. One guy told me that thanks to Internet dating, he could have a different date every night of the week. That idea seems kind of sad to me. I mean, the heck with really getting to know somebody then, because you can just head back online and have another date lined up with another person. It makes the whole thing seem a bit shallow. In a way though, we should value the fact that we really do have choices these days and can take our time to find the right partner and the internet does offer an easier way to meet people. With that said though, because people have so many options, they can believe that there may always be someone better and so with the click of a mouse, hundreds of new profiles pop up. I have enjoyed getting to know different men online but again, the experience of it all seems kinda empty sometimes. The Internet is the new bar scene for sure. Everyone jokes how impersonal the bar scene is but I would argue that online dating is not so different. At least in the bar, you get a real feel for who the person is, even if it is somewhat shallow. Online, people can claim to be whomever they want to be, they can hide behind facades, pictures and words and they can remain the best online boyfriend ever, yet never be able to really be that in person. Hey, maybe that's not a bad idea actually. I can just have an online boyfriend...or maybe 7 at the same time, one for every day of the week (lol). That way, I can get attention whenever I want and I don't ever have to get dressed up or worry about their annoying habits. Seriously though, in some ways people can never match up to the persona they create online. One guy writes in his profile that he is not interested in stretching out the e-mail communication and wants to meet as soon as possible, since expectations get built too high through too much virtual communication. I couldn't agree with him more! In general, I believe expectations in dating or in relationships should be realistic, not overblown and unreal. The thing I loved about the story "Sarah, Plain and Tall," is the simplicity of just getting to know somebody. The expectations were based in real life....not wanting to be alone, wanting to share a life with a partner and mutual needs. Sometimes our society puts these high expectations on everyone and feeds this idea of perfection, more is better and that people are expendable and replaceable. I prefer to really see how unique every individual is although chemistry still remains a must for me. My approach to dating is more open minded these days and thanks to my daughter reading to me last night, I'm going to remember to just enjoy the process. "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog"...(Wendy Leibman).

The Midas Touch

"A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears"...(Woodrow Wyatt). I speak throughout my blog about relationships and how women want to be adored and desired. It is so true that women feel love and desire not in what they see so much but in what they hear. Men truly have so much power in their hands (or their mouths), if they truly know how to talk to a woman and how to really speak to her heart and her body. I have been learning so much lately, just from dating. I have also read some web sites designed to teach men about women. Some of the content is so laugh out loud funny. Men advise men on how to not be wimps, how to buck up and act like a man when they're with women and how to go on dates without spending a dime. Hmmm, I especially find that last one interesting. The author of the male site is just advising men that they don't always have to spring for lavish dinners, at least not until you're sure you might want to pursue the woman a bit more. Okay yes, sometimes women go out with men they are not interested in, just for the free dinner.....so the advice for men is understandable. The best tips for men however are about chemistry and desire. One guy practically yells at guys on the site to drive the point home that women do not feel desire in the same way men do. In a nutshell, he states that men feel attraction in what they see but women feel desire emotionally! The advice for men couldn't be truer, that you have to appeal to a woman's emotions, if you want her to desire you. The best thing I've learned through dating is that the Alpha men are the one's with the midas touch with women because they absolutely understand the concept of desire. I'm not talking about the bad boy, jerk Alpha males. Those Alpha males only care about themselves and use their bad boy status to hurt and use women. I'm also not talking about the Alpha males who hide behind alpha bravado because they are just as insecure as beta men, if not more insecure actually. Those guys use the Alpha thing as a game because they fear real connection and intimacy. No, I'm talking about the Alpha men who respect women and want them to feel safe and protected. The classy Alpha male knows that women feel desire internally, so these guys appeal to a woman's emotions. Some Alpha men take the game a bit far...but overall, they could teach all men a thing or two about how to create irresistible attraction with a woman. You see, an Alpha man is confident, secure and comes across like a man. He exudes masculinity and initiates his approach with care and determination. He may have to play a little aloof and mysterious to get your attention, but he plots every move with a clear intention. It may all seem like reverse psychology, act somewhat uninterested and get her attention. Yes, it's true...but it works. The Alpha male acts interested enough but never gives too much away at first. Women love mystery and are more attracted to someone who doesn't appear needy, wimpy or seeking approval. There is just something so animal instinct about it all really, but a chemical reaction occurs when a woman feels like a man is respectfully taking charge. Once an Alpha man has gotten a woman's attention then all he has to do is utter a few compliments or words of desire and he's got her. I know that I keep saying women want attention. They do, but too much attention and she doesn't buy it. Just enough attention, as long as it's sincere and genuine, she wants more and she wants you. I figured that if this Alpha stuff works in dating, why can't couples start using some Alpha techniques to jump start their sex lives. Now think about it, lets look at two approaches from the same husband. The man comes home from work and says, "Hey honey, ummm...if you feel like it, maybe we could have sex tonight?" The same man comes home, but uses an Alpha approach and says, "Baby~I want to make love with you tonight and give you so much pleasure until you can't take it anymore." Well let's see, which approach is more appealing to a woman? The second approach gets the woman's juices flowing immediately....and I mean on the spot. Her imagination is off and running and she feels desired. She just might attack you right then and there. If men just used their words more wisely, they could have women in the palms of their hands, literally and figuratively! Women aren't the consumers of porn like men are. Women visualize everything in their heads....so give women something to visualize. If you are in a partnership, tell a woman how much you desire her, what you want to do to her and how long you'll do it. If you're dating, you can use the same approach to make her feel more attraction toward you. Be careful because every word counts....and there is no need to go overboard. A few select words via text, e-mail, or verbally could be enough to get her going and like magic, you have the midas touch too. Overall, women find a man sexy who is self assured and confident, so guys, work on being comfortable with yourself. And ladies, whether you are in a partnership or single, figure out what you want and then communicate it clearly because the biggest complaint from men is about the numerous mixed messages you send them. “The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man"...(Madame de Stael).

Too Many Walls

I'm going to start this article off with a quote from "The Notebook". "So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday"...(The Notebook- Nicholas Sparks-spoken by Noah, the romantic lead). I just love that quote and how apropos it is that even true love takes work. Sometimes though, no matter how much affection two people have toward one another, there are just too many walls separating them. I'm a firm believer in love...but sometimes love cannot break the barriers separating people. Love is never a waste of time however because just the act of loving someone changes you for the better. It is also an experience of loving oneself, to let go and move on when the walls are just too much to contend with. Walls are another of life's lessons. Walls are barriers, fears, defenses and sometimes things in life that just prevent people from being together. Of course, the romantic in me always believes in hope but nonetheless, sometimes letting go is the best course of action. When too many walls create a divide, one must move on and hope for love with another. Love stories still intrigue us however, ones that beat the odds and shatter the walls. I suppose the female population secretly roots for love to prevail after all. I say females, since they are generally the ones with romance novels in hand and running to the theatres in groves when a new Nicholas Sparks movie opens. Oh sure, men attend those movies too, but generally they are being dragged there by a female. For you few romantic fellas out there who truly admire a good love story, I apologize and I'm glad you enjoy a Nicholas Sparks movie as much as I do. Walls are meant to be broken down when possible, but despite the happy endings in most novels and movies, the walls just may be too difficult to tear down after all. I know that this must be shocking coming from me, the eternal optimist but even I have to concede that some people have built walls just too high or difficult to penetrate. There is still a happy ending....just one with a different outcome. New outcomes and different paths still have the possibility for true love and bliss. The universe hands us several options, thankfully....so never give up hope that your happy ending is just around the corner. I write this particular article with a heavy heart because I really do believe in love. I always carry love in my heart and know that ultimately love creates healing on so many levels, even if that love cannot ever be reciprocated. I say to all of the men and women who have loved others who have been unable able to give that love back due to walls, that you have grown immeasurably for loving them anyway. Personally, I have never regretted loving others but had regrets in the past over masking my love with defenses and fears. I just cannot hide love any longer...because an open heart feels so much lighter and freer. A big "cheers" though to all of the real life love stories that have come true. May love prevail after all, one way or another. "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave"...(Mahatma Gandhi).

A Nice Surprise

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And Today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present"....
(Babatunde Olatunji). I love this quote because it's so simple and says so much. I posted it on my facebook wall and several people commented that it was in the movie Kung Fu Panda. I didn't remember that actually but how perfect! I just love animated movies because they connect us to our child selves....and hidden in a fun, spirited movie is a very profound quote. I love it! Each day is amazing to me because it truly offers us the gift of new insights, things that we had yet to experience and of course a nice surprise occasionally. Sometimes I just shake my head in wonder when something or someone surprising enters my sphere. Nice surprises indeed. Each person I meet seems to teach me something new or vice versa. I especially like those surprises. One guy I was chatting with told me about hiking trails I had never discovered. The guy was not the lesson...he was a pit stop, but the trails are now some of my favorites! Some guys I've gone on dates with received some much needed free therapy. That was a gift for them. I'd like to say that I'm off duty when I'm on a date, but I am a therapist and it's just a part of who I am. I love trying to understand different perspectives and I ask questions that many would be afraid to ask. I don't ask to analyze, I ask because I'm sincerely interested but in the process...I get guys talking. That's a good thing. Many men I've met admit that they would never set foot in a therapist's office...but there they are at dinner, pouring their life stories out to me. I'm glad that I'm a good listener! It's rewarding for me to help men express themselves. Everyone needs to talk once in awhile and way too many men keep things bottled up. I also love the surprise of meeting like minded souls who inspire me in some way. That always make me feel good. The law of attraction really does work. I met one of the nicest ladies in the sauna at the gym. I'm always happy when we run into each other because we have the most in depth conversations about love and relationships. Her name is Mimi and she is originally from Germany and has been married for 50 years. She has some amazing insights about love and life. I'll write more about Mimi in another article but her bottom line about love in her own words, "Chemistry is everything!" Everyday now, I wake up wondering what surprises are waiting for me. To add to that, it's fun to just add the element of surprise occasionally by doing something unpredictable. Nice surprises await us every day if you choose to notice. That's the beauty in life. "Well, we all like things to be predictable, don't we? We expect things to be safe and to keep on happening just the way they always have. We expect the sun to rise in the morning. We expect to get up, survive the day and finish up back in bed at the end of it, ready to start all over again the next day. But maybe that's just a trick we play on ourselves, our way of making life seem ordinary. Because the truth is, life is so extraordinary that for most of the time we can't bring ourselves to look at it. It's too bright and it hurts our eyes. The fact of the matter is that nothing is ever certain. But most people never find that out until the ground suddenly disappears from beneath their feet"...(Steve Voake).