Be Thankful

I have many friends that have lost loved one's recently to cancer. What a difficult lesson terminal illness is for the individual and for everyone touched by it...,the family, friends, caregivers, children and spouses. I read a statistic that approximately one in three individuals will get some form of cancer in their lifetimes. That is an astounding statistic. I interned at an oncology unit of a hospital when I was in grad school. I witnessed young 20's on up with various forms of cancer. Most days I would go home in tears, overwhelmed by the daily pain I was witnessing. Cancer is a lesson for us all. The lesson......gratitude for each and every day that we have. Most people are so busy and consumed by the stresses and business of their daily lives that they forget to take a moment and just appreciate the day. Each day is truly a gift we should not take that for granted. Just ask someone living with cancer and they will surely tell you that cancer has taught them to appreciate life! You have no idea what an amazing gift life is until you feel it slipping away, day by day. "If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change (Buddha)." Life is a miracle and each day is precious. I also observed at the hospital was loneliness, poverty, fear, sadness, mental illness and a lot of loss. Many people are struggling with very difficult lessons. Some have no contact with family and feel all alone. While interning at the hospital, I witnessed individuals in poverty, without enough bus money to get home. Some souls do not even have enough food to eat and many children are lacking in guidance, supervision, love and basic needs. Again, with all of that said, the lesson we can learn from our own struggles as well as others is gratitude. The other lesson of illness, disease and loss is awakening. When the individual suffering and those affected wake up to the opportunity to embrace life, they are forever changed. We have all heard stories of people disgnosed with cancer and they completely change their lives. I have watched people completely transform, enjoying a day with their kids or suddenly noticing a beautiful garden they've passed a million times. Compared to tragedy and loss, arguments and stresses of life seem pretty petty and time with loved one's more valuable than money. The lessons just continue until the day you leave this life so be in the moment, be grateful and embrace all that life has to offer. "Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it (Buddha)."

Synchronicity

Things always happen for a reason even if we are unaware at the time what that reason is. Eventually, we can figure it out. Have you ever had something happen that seemed like a crisis at the time, yet it pointed you in a completely different direction and you end up grateful that the changes occured? If you are not grateful...are you refusing to see that sometimes somethings happen which are actually blessings in disguise. I see it all of the time with my clients. They come to therapy because of a crisis, like a job loss or a break up. Eventually though, they end up on another path which has opened up new and exciting possibilities for them. I have also witnessed people fight the tide of change and make the transition difficult and overwhelming or they refuse to see the opportunity hidden in crisis and get caught up in blame and anger. The more you fight the changes that are meant to happen, the more you feel misery. The journey can be easy if you let it. Life is only as easy or difficult as you perceive it to be. I counseled a couple that were clearly in crisis. The husband was in crisis because his perception was that the possible break up was sudden and out of the blue. The wife was in crisis because she had been telling her husband for years that the marriage was not going well, but he refused to listen. Same crisis, different perspectives. People tune out what they don't want to hear until the changes are absolutely forced upon them. Those changes will happen regardless of whether you bury your head in the sand. The decision becomes, are you going to make it easier on yourself or difficult? It's your choice. Changes need to happen in life, otherwise people begin deceiving themselves or disconnecting. If you trust the process of life, trust your heart and do things with loving intentions, then even the biggest changes can hurt less, harm less and not cause such a huge crisis. People create the crisis because they fear and fight change. Crisis is the catalyst that opens your eyes, wakes you up to what you may have been dismissing or ignoring and moves you in a different direction. Sometimes that is needed! If people listened to their intuition and hearts earlier however, changes could have been made without such a mess involved. Crisis opens up your emotions and sometimes karmically it is needed to heal and bring awareness to the individuals involved. When ironic situations or serendipitous events occur, those situations are the Universe's way of making sure you are paying attention! You run into people from the past or family and old friends contacting you out of the blue, happen for a reason. Often, healing needs to occur or more lessons between the individuals are sorely needed. I ran into someone from high school seemingly by accident. I ended up being invited at the last second to a party and wham, the universe threw us together. I had remembered that she was not so nice to me all those years ago and as it turned out, she had the same view of me. At that moment we had an opportunity to see each other and ourselves in a new light and to heal the past. We chose forgiveness and it turned out to be a wonderful "chance" occurrence. Synchronicity happens every day if you just open yourself up to noticing. Everything happens for a reason, but it is your decision whether to seize the moment, heal, forgive, apologize, and to allow life to bring to you what you need, when you need it. Free will is always involved but the opportunity is presented nonetheless. Trust the process of life, allow changes to flow more easily and call on your faith and your heart to lead the way when you are unsure. A life led by the heart with unending faith is a life filled with excitement for one never knows what lies awaiting around the next bend in the road. A fearful person tries to control the ride and frets about what might be ahead but the person led by their heart is excited because each curve in the road is not to be feared but instead embraced for it is a challenge that they know they can meet head on. Synchronicity is the sign post reminding you that the overhead view of the curves, stops, and green lights on your journey are life's way of letting you know that you are on the right path, so slow down and enjoy the view.

Smile

I wrote this particular article 5 years ago and it is still as relevant today as it was 5 years ago. However, I have noticed that people in California overall, tend to be friendlier than the east coast, which is where I lived when I wrote the following article. Maybe it's the fact that the sun is shining year round here, or that it's the west, where people have more freedom to be their wacky, crazy, expressive selves. I adore the east but it is cold in the winter and people are more conservative. Don't get me wrong, there are miserable souls in California too, but they at least smile occasionally because well...the sun is shining. I had an interesting day five years ago observing people in Connecticut that I was interacting with. Many couples do not seem happy, bickering with each other or eating meals in restaurants in complete silence. Overall though, a lot of people in general look pretty miserable. In the morning, I was greeted with a smile at Starbucks. The staff at this particular location are so friendly that you just want to stay and bask in their friendliness. They smile and remember your order. It is a great way to start the day! The rest of the day went downhill from there. At the elementary school, the secretary looks like she has a permanent scowl on her face and I often wonder if being unfriendly is listed as part of her job requirement. Off to my son's preschool where some of the teacher's appeared to love their jobs, but others looked less than enthused to be there. One preschool teacher actually said to a four year old, "I am the boss of you." Hmmm, which one is the four year old? At the bank, one teller had a smile, the rest look grumpy and angry to be there, probably secretly wishing they could just take the money and run. At lunch, several employees smiled and one semi-negative cashier grunted. I went for a hike that afternoon and not surprisingly, everyone on the trail smiled and said hello. See, hikes are good for the soul! Watching people drive, some were aggressive drivers, most looked grumpy, some just blatantly would not let other's into the lanes. I did have one nice driver at a four way stop wave me to go first. Back at the pool daycare and wow, the two ladies in charge of watching the kids looked absolutely miserable. No smiles or greetings from them at all and the kids said they were mean. I didn't leave my kids with them again! The lifeguard at the pool was just nasty to the kids. Back to Starbucks for a dose of friendly. Then off to a meeting with three other parent's to plan meetings for a large group of seven year old girls that I was the leader of. That was the cherry that topped off my ice cream sundae day of unfriendly, when they tried to veto music and freeze dancing at the meetings, stating it riles the girls up too much and it is not a serious activity. It is serious.....seriously fun for the girls which seems to be a problem. The girls just loved their five or so minutes of dancing, so I fought to keep the fun alive! I appreciate all of the friendly souls I crossed paths with that day and I hope that they noticed the smile I sent their way too. As for the miserable souls, I gave them a smile too, but they didn't seem to notice. Buddha said, "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." Mother Teresa said, "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." Dalai Lama said, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." On that note, we all have a choice each and every day. Are we going to spread the joy or participate in the misery? What a simple action to say hello with a smile and choose happiness. If more of us choose the higher road, then hopefully, eventually, we can out number the one's who look unhappy. Yes...I am an eternal optimist! In the meantime, I will keep trying, one smile at a time.

Staying Centered

"Peace comes from within, do not seek it without." (Buddha) I just have a couple of questions for you. Are you calm and centered inside of yourself? Do you feel like internal peace is impossible and unattainable except for yogi's and monks? Many people have chaos spinning in their heads like rush hour traffic in New York City. If your head is constantly thinking, worrying, second guessing and obsessing...then you are not calm within. What does it take to be calm within? It takes time and discipline to slow down the traffic in your head until the traffic becomes a country road and you are walking, not running, driving or rushing. Yeah, you speed up a bit when you need to meet a deadline but the most centered people can accomplish a lot because they can tell the difference between the distractions and what is really important. People living with chaos in their minds have endless distractions. Slowing down is also a process of filling yourself up with clean fuel instead of polluted gasoline. Clean fuel has to do with the quality of your thoughts as well as tapping into a god consciousness. God awareness is a higher energy and having a spiritual connection is a higher fuel source. Racing thoughts filled with fear, doubt, and worry is lower energy and fills your tank with fuel that feels empty. People also fill their tanks with other distractions. They fill it with obsessing over money, excess consumption of food, sex, drugs, purchases, image, addictions and more. All of these things are serious distractions and direct your time and energy away from going within. A spiritually fed person is filled with higher fuel and then in turn produces higher return. Money is a necessity but has money ever made anyone happy? Why is it that so many music and movie stars, who have ample money, prestige and power are often miserable or addicted to substances? Money and fame don't make them happy because they need to find that inside of themselves, not in the world around them. Staying centered and being more attentive to the energy that feeds you takes awareness. You have to be incredibly aware daily of what you allow in as fuel. If you are producing self defeating thoughts, letting other people's opinions pull you down, looking for validation outside of yourself or letting wounds from your past keep you in pain then you are not running on clean fuel. Clean fuel means letting go of the past, reversing thoughts to be self improving not self defeating and it means trusting in god instead of fearing the world. People who are filled with a higher purpose have been wounded, understand the pitfalls of greed and power and they have often faced many challenges but they refuse to let those things own them. Instead they carry peace internally and have learned from their past instead of repeating it, they help others instead of only focusing on themselves and they trust in god instead of trying to control everything. The choice is simple...clean fuel or toxic fuel. What is your tank running on?

The Heart Knows

Disconnection has become a way of life for many. I sit and ponder how parents can be selfish and not protect or nurture their children. I observe marriages that are strained and tense because they married people based on images, fears and expectations versus knowing who and what their hearts wanted. I can certainly talk about following your heart but how can you begin to follow your heart if you are living a disconnected existence. I too have been disconnected at times. In retrospect, I can now look at my past and see the people and things I was passionate about versus the times my heart wasn't in it. I didn't always recognize it because I didn't honor my own voice at the time. Back then, I felt love but my fears of being vulnerable held me hostage. Ironically, I can also see that I often went out on a limb more than many people around me, which demonstrates how closed off so many people are. I live a heart centered life now. I am very observant of my daily life and my activities and relationships are much more connected because my heart leads the way. How did I get here? It was a lot of hard work. I had to push through my fears and my defenses at every turn. Every time I took a risk and expressed myself, tried something new, or loved openly, I had to resist the temptation to throw my defenses back up. It was like trying to get canoe to move in the direction you are paddling in, when the winds are kicking up. Much easier said than done. Sometimes I felt my own resistance and fears jolting me like loud rumbles of thunder deafening my senses and other times it was smooth sailing. The times it was smooth were the times I noticed how freeing it felt to pour out my heart, like sailing in synch with the wind. During my times of resistance however, it was more akin to the vulnerability of being in the middle of the ocean on a boat without a sail as a storm approaches. I also had to desensitize myself to rejection. Each time I expressed feelings openly made me more resilient, especially feelings of love. Some people hold back anger and love out of fear, but often love is the most demanding and exacting emotion to express if you are terrified of being vulnerable. Case in point, observe how many angry people we have in this world! People express anger but they often are not expressing affection, love, and sorrow. Fear is expressed more openly as well through anxiety and vulnerabilities are at the root of anger and anxiety. Getting in touch with your heart takes awareness and patience, like learning the English language, you must learn your A, B, C's first before you can recite Shakespeare. Following your heart means you must start with the basics and you will fumble occasionally while building your emotional vocabulary. A= Allow your heart to be open. B= Begin observing the difference between your head and your heart. C= Calm your defenses when you feel vulnerable. These steps sound elementary but defenses are swift and create barriers as quick and as fierce as a bolt of lightening. When you progress to being in tune with your heart...the path becomes much easier, but still expect a few waves to knock you down. "The heart knows" will make sense to you if you live with an open heart. The next question is this...If you know your heart and you know what it wants, then what is stopping you from expressing it or reaching for your hearts desires? If you are aware of your heart but your head (and defenses) are stopping the process of letting your heart lead the way, then you definitely live in misery. There is no way around this one. In some ways it's easier to remain disconnected and numb than to be aware of what you are feeling and to do nothing about it. The choice is always yours and the consequences are yours to bear. On the flip side, the rewards are yours if you have the courage to live a heart centered life. Nothing risked is nothing gained. Sure, if you put yourself out there, you might be rejected or your boat might capsize a time or two. If you have faith, you have a life preserver and you simply assess the situation, turn the boat back over and climb back in. Yes, you might even require help getting the boat back in the water occasionally but asking for help is also to expose vulnerability and actually symbolizes progress in your emotional expedition. However, living a heart centered life also means that you'll never feel regret and you'll know that you are one of the few sailors bravely navigating your own life. "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves." (William Shakespeare)

Love Never Dies-It Just Changes Form

Loss is one of life's toughest lessons. Death is like the winter..it's cold and lonely and feels like a long, bitter winter that never ends. But eventually, new life emerges in the spring, tree's come back to life beckoning us to do the same. The loved one that has passed has transformed into another form and they live on as well....in spirit. Your loved one does not want you to die along with them. How does that honor their life and the love they felt for you? They live on in your heart and nothing brings more joy to a spirit than their loved one's eventually moving on with their lives. Of course there is a time of mourning. The winter is true symbolism of this. Going within, reflection, honoring the memories of your loves one and even processing unfinished business you might have had with them is necessary. All cultures and religions have rituals surrounding death to give the living time to process and honor the loss of their loved ones. Our loved ones in spirit have work to do as well. On the other side, they have processing to do about the life they lived. They may also have left the earth to help loved ones learn certain lessons. Things are not always as they appear. People yell at god, angry about losses but every loss is an opportunity for the living to learn or to retreat. Those who retreat are in lesson as well but understand that the longer you hold onto the person you lost, the more you become the walking dead, living but dead on the inside. This does a disservice to you, to the people who love you and to the loved one in spirit. Some fear that if they live their life and let go of the one they lost, they will no longer feel them around. That is just not the case. Our loved ones should be free to move on but they become spirit mentors and they check in on us from time to time. Some become spirit guides and often they'll visit you in dreams as to not scare you too much. Always remember that love never dies. You carry it with you always in your memories and in your heart. Your heart is big enough to carry the love you have for every soul that has touched your life, for lifetimes and forever. Love is like the spring...blossoming new growth, surprise possibilities and such beauty.

The Authentic Self

What does it mean to be authentic? It really means being true to yourself. However, what if you are in a relationship with someone who does not like you the way you are? What if they are trying to change you, mold you, direct you, and control you. What if they aren't being authentic and they were never passionately in love with you but instead they fell in love with wanting to be in love. What if you come home from the honeymoon and realize that your spouse wasn't honest with you about what they wanted in the relationship because they thought you wouldn't marry them? What if your spouse/lover has been cheating on you? What if you are cheating? There are so many ways that people are not authentic with themselves and others. When you are lying to yourself, you are not being authentic or genuine. I must add a side-bar that some extremely sensitive issues need to be handled with care. A gay son who has a parent that is a religious zealot, might not be able to handle the information that her son is gay. Each situation is unique and the person needs to reflect about whether honesty is to protect or to hurt the people they love. Being genuine calls for the person to know who he/she is and most people have no idea who they are! Often, people are running so fast, for so long....doing what they think is their duty (work, raise children, get things done) that they never slow down to find out who they are. People are very hard on themselves, pushing every minute and suddenly realize that they haven't been enjoying life. Others are busy pleasing others, doing what others expect that they also don't stop to ask, "Who am I?" People hit retirement age and often struggle because suddenly they have time and they become completely overwhelmed and stressed at the thought of so much freedom. Younger people these days disappear into X-Box, electronics and gaming and although they may not feel the pressure to work, they are lost too...in a fantasy world where they continue to avoid getting to know themselves. I must stress that most people are not getting to know themselves. Posting pics of what you want the world to see isn't being authentic either. Sure, some people are authentically telling the world about their lives on Facebook but it's easier to create an image of who you want to be rather than living an authentic life. Staying in relationships that do not honor who you are and in fact keep you hiding is not conducive to being authentic. Blaming parents and people around you for wanting you to be a certain way is not productive and keeps you from being authentic. Being genuine means stopping the excuses and bravely taking steps to honor yourself, your feelings, your hopes and your dreams. Owning your feelings means to identify your anger, sorrow, and sadness so that you can move forward in your life. Dreams cannot emerge if you do not honor yourself. Dreams eventually fade away and die as a result of you ignoring yourself. Nothing kills the authentic self more than you neglecting or abusing yourself. Dreams need to be fed by hope. The self is nurtured through compassion and change happens when you get tired of hiding, blaming and avoiding. Set yourself free from self imposed limits and you will have taken a step on the road to authenticity.