Facing Fears

Five years ago, I wrote a blog article called "Fake it until you make it." At the time, I had written it about my journey as a camp counselor but now I realize that the motto has carried me through the past five years as well. I believe that faking it until making it is the key to becoming more confident. You cannot conquer fear by learning enough, studying enough, or waiting until you are confidence. Of course, I do not want to minimize the value in studying or researching. We want our doctor's to be educated but even doctors learn while being interns. I know many people that have tons of certificates and diploma's yet are completely overwhelmed by fears and insecurities. You become confident by saying yes to opportunities when your fears are screaming "NO!." You conquer your fears by simply living bravely and experiencing things that you had never experienced before. Trust me, every time I took on a new role, one that was a bit intimating, my fears were nudging me, while my mouth said "yes" and committed to take it on. I was scared every single time and often sat up nights, wondering how I was going to pull it off and thinking, "what the heck did I get myself into." Every time I felt that, a voice in my head reminded me that it meant I was bravely facing the unknown and that my fears and insecurities would fade once I learned the ropes and became more confident in what I had taken on. Every single time, on some deeper level, I knew that I was on the right path by heading into my fears rather than letting my fears control me. On every occasion that I faced my fears, I did grow as a person and eventually, my fears had less and less reign. Four years ago, my area Girl Scout service unit needed a new service unit manager. At every meeting for several months, they would beg for a volunteer to step up and take on the manager role, but nobody would. I was new to the area and I had led my Girl Scout troop, but I had never held a service unit role before and it seemed a bit daunting to jump straight into the lead role. I hesitated and waited, hoping someone else would take the position. Finally, I let the council representative know that I'd gladly take any other role on, but she gently reminded me that the service unit was in desperate need of a new service unit manager. Without thinking further, I blurted out "okay, I'll take the position." I felt overwhelmed with fear almost immediately, but I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I would figure it out, I always do. It was funny to see the reaction from some of the board members and troop leaders that next fall at my first service unit meeting as manager. They were in shock and bit baffled, since I was the new leader in the area after having moved from the east coast. They were outwardly saying.."Denise who?" I was off and running and I did figure it out. Along the way that fall, I was told there was no day camp serving Girl Scouts in Thousand Oaks...so again without hesitating, I said, "I'll start one." I had never run a day camp before, let alone starting one from scratch, but my "fake it until you make it motto" kept repeating in my head pushing me onward. Those moments make me smile now because I was afraid, in fact terrified at times, but I didn't let that stop me. I pushed on until my fears abated. I will not let fear hold me back, that is just not an option. Fear propels me forward and helps me embrace teaching opportunities for myself. I learned how to manage a service unit by saying yes. I started a day camp that benefits over 300 girls and boys each summer, all because I didn't like that a day camp of it's kind didn't exist. I said yes when many people would have said no way, or they would have hidden in the back of the room, hoping someone else would do it. I also push myself to get better at those roles, to assess myself continually to improve in all of my roles as mom, partner, friend, therapist, service unit manager, teacher and camp director. I've said no to opportunities as well, not out of fear though, only because I'm trying not to stretch myself too thin. I still won't hesitate to jump in and take on a new event or new opportunity though if it's something that sounds fun. Mostly, if fear nudges at me now...I know it's something I should say yes to because It's probably a great opportunity for me to learn something new. I view fear or something that I might not know how to do as a challenge, an invitation to take it on. I must add that faking it until you make it isn't a false bravado or arrogance. That type of person lacks appropriate fear and thinks they know everything. That is not confidence, it's over inflated self and they could use a bit of appropriate fear to humble them a bit. Confidence is something that comes from experience and only comes from reigning in your fears until you are the driver of the chariot and nothing can stop you, certainly not your fears because fear cannot keep up with someone who is the master of their own life.

Dream

There are dreams of the night and dreams of the soul. There are numerous sayings about dreams: Follow your dreams; Dream big and; It's a dream come true. It is interesting that the word dream relates to both the nocturnal state of dreaming, when an alternative world opens up to us, and the state of conscious dreaming.... hoping, creating and aspiring to ones wishes and desires. Both types of dreams offer us the opportunity to manifest our deepest hopes into reality. Regarding dream state, sometimes dreams can feel so incredibly real, that when you awaken, you are not sure which is more true, the dream or the apparent reality. In Eckhart Tolle's book, "The New Earth," he says this about dreams. "The dreamer is not the person. The person is part of the dream. To awaken within the dream is our purpose now. When we are awake within the dream, the ego-created earth-drama comes to an end and more benign and wondrous dream arises. This is the new earth." Other quotes about dreams: Dreams are the language of God; It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting (Paulo Coelho); Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today (James Dean). A shamanic healer, Robert Moss says this about dreaming: "We should actively seek dream guidance on our major issues – by asking for dream help on going to bed, or by learning to embark on conscious dream journeys to sources of wisdom – and we should take action in waking life to honor our dreams, bring the gifts of dreaming into our communities, and create better futures. This approach includes learning to navigate by synchronicity: using the play of coincidence, chance encounters and the symbolism of everyday life for guidance on your path." Dream work can be an important part of understanding yourself. If you get into the habit of writing about your dreams often, you begin to understand the inner workings of your unconscious mind and emotions. Dreams can also be portals, to see loved ones who have passed away, see friends, get messages and intuitive guidance and to heal emotional wounds. I have worked with so many clients, friends and family, who have had dreams where they meet up with people they know and have very real, healing conversations and interactions in the dream world. I too have had this occur on many occasions. Sometimes, people who have a difficult time expressing themselves, visit you in your dreams and are able to be more open and honest with you than they can in waking life. There are also lucid dreams, where the individual has become an active participant in the dream, able to navigate his or her way in the dreamworld. Lucid dreaming is when the individual graduates from passive participant to the orchestrator in the amazing world of dreams. Shamans believe that we can "bridge" our dreams into reality.....sort of like painting a picture of your souls path in the dream world first and then it bridges itself into reality, coming to life. Dreaming is a magical connection to the divine. Paulo Coelho, the author of "The Alchemist," a journey about dreaming says: "Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World." Allow yourself to dream your hearts desires into reality and to explore and learn how complex and wonderful the world of dreams can be. The next time you close your eyes to go to sleep......let go, be open, enjoy the journey and see where it takes you.

I Believe

I believe love is the answer....because without it, we have nothing to believe in. I believe love always navigates its way back into our hearts if we allow it to. I believe love profoundly affects our lives and changes us forever. I believe that the journey of loving yourself, then trusting enough to share that love is the ultimate life lesson. I believe that life is worth living, sharing and celebrating, each and every day. I believe that things happen for a reason, to remind us that the web of life brings us to where we need to be, when we need to be there. I believe we equally orchestrate our fates, by our secret hopes, fears, dreams and wishes. Your wish is your command....so if you think and feel it from the depths of your soul, you can and will manifest it. I believe that compassion is essential and helps us connect to the common thread in humanity, that we are all the same. I believe that children need hugs and kisses every single day! I believe that life is a series of lessons to help us grow and become more enlightened. I believe that lessons in enlightenment come more from daily, apparently mundane matters of living rather than hours upon hours of deep meditation. I believe that letting go is sometimes essential in breaking out and becoming who you are meant to be. I believe that change is a lesson in allowing yourself to transform. I believe that sometimes you have to go very far from where you started, to have some clarity, then weave your way back to embrace that which you ran from. I believe that love will live on, long after we are gone. I believe that nothing is permanent and everything is constantly changing. I believe that fear is an illusion we use to keep us from allowing change, even though the changes occur anyway, with or without our permission. I believe our thoughts create who we are. I believe that a good piece of chocolate (dark is my preference), can soothe the soul. I believe that alone time is essential, to be able to listen to your soul teach you who you are and why you are here. I believe that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I believe in the power of art and music to inspire and remind us that there is magic occurring in each and every moment, if we tune ourselves into it. I believe that nature reflects the simple and glorious beauty of our souls potential. I believe that sharing our journey and the lessons we have learned is another lesson. I believe in Buddha's quote, "He is able who thinks he is able." I believe in the importance of being in the moment and in going with the flow. I believe that love always finds a way....... What do you believe in?

Be Yourself

I know, I know....sounds a bit cliche to say "be yourself." Parents often tell their kids, "just be yourself, don't worry about what anyone else thinks." Well, we all do care what others think at some point in our lives and it's a very personal journey learning to tune out what others think and to just care what you think about yourself. One part of that journey is about building confidence but another part is about breaking away from the collective group dynamic. That is no easy task when we are all conditioned to be good followers. The media, religions, schools, politicians, peers and parents are the groups we participate in and we are rewarded by following and punished for thinking for ourselves. Dare to break free and you risk being ridiculed, pressured or ignored. Nothing risked is nothing gained however and if parents are going to tell their kids to be themselves, they also need to give them some emotional tools, preparation and guidance about what happens when you go against the pack. If you have ever dared to really be yourself, to speak up for who you are and what you believe in, then you know what I mean about a backlash. We learned in history about the Dark Ages and about countless times in humanity's past when people were enslaved or killed for thinking for themselves (some people are still living under that kind of oppression), yet people in free countries are still afraid to really be who they really are. We will not be subject to public hangings any longer yet people still live under a dreaded fear of being themselves. Challenge can be good however because challenge pushes us to really figure out who we are and to fight through our own fears of rejection. If the world truly was at a place where we don't judge others, we embrace and praise differences, we are all equal and honored as human beings not differentiated from race, culture, or socioeconomic status, then we would be the new earth....enlightened. We are on our way there...but to get there, each human being needs to wake up and break free from being what others have told you your limits are and instead take back your power and explore the unlimited potential that is already inside of you. I was speaking with a friend yesterday and she said that she loved art in school when she was a girl. However, her teacher proceeded to criticize her creativity and effort as being "wrong" and she was graded poorly. My friend said that from that moment on, she stopped drawing. Those are the defining moments that people need to undo, heal and move through. People are craving acceptance and one day an enlightened world will reflect and exude unconditional love, but to get there...you first need to accept yourself. Think about it, how can you be one of those leading the pack toward changing the world to reflect love and acceptance and of the beauty of all that is, if you don't love yourself? On a smaller scale, yet no less significant, how can you begin to shift your own world that is your friendships, work places, family systems, if you aren't first being the change that you want to see? People can blame and point fingers at all of the people in the world judging and criticizing but each person must first look into the mirror and decide if they are emanating the love they so desperately want and be accepting first of themselves instead of seeking approval elsewhere. As Buddha once said, "You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection." We all thrive in environments where we are loved and accepted, but the change starts with each individual creating that type of nurturing environment in themselves with self acceptance. The irony is, once you love and accept yourself...you begin to attract people into your life that accept you. It's the law of attraction working its magic. A person that accepts themselves and loves themselves unconditionally, spreads love more easily to those around them. You simply reflect outwardly what you feel internally. A person that is devaluing others is a person who is filled with anger and hate, and a person who loves themselves, spreads joy and inspires others. Yes, the person exuding anger might argue that they are just being themselves. That's true, they are but they are perpetuating a vicious cycle of keeping themselves hostage and perhaps others hostage as well through their abuse. That is a part of the journey, for each person to learn to break free from their self abuse or from the abuse of others. Either path a person takes is their free will to choose. The choice is yours. Be yourself...or be what others want you to be, it's up to you.

Life is a Hike

The thing I love about hiking mountains is that there is a clear goal, get to the top! Half way up you begin to wonder, "why am I doing this again," then you remember that there is a clear goal, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich you get to eat when you get to the top. That sandwich always motivates me! Of course I can't wait to take in the view, but when you have been hiking for hours and your legs are so tired they feel like spaghetti and it feels like you'll never get there, that sandwich seems more important than the view. When I arrive at the top, rest and eat, I sit in wonder staring out at the gorgeous view and congratulate myself for making it to the top. It is an amazing feeling. Hiking is a metaphor for life. You are on your journey..... sometimes you take in the view, sometimes you're so tired that you feel like giving up and other days, you just want to get to the top. With each hike as with each step on our journey in life, we get to the goal and assess, rest, take in the view and set our next goal. The journey of life is a series of hikes. Oh sure, some people just opt out and stay at the bottom of the mountain making excuses as to why they can't hike. I've met many of those non-hikers. They gave up on themselves and life and sleepwalk through life. They claim that they could hike the highest peaks, so to speak, but never take a step onto the trail. There are also those who start hiking and give up along the way. Lacking in enough self worth to climb to the top, they stop somewhere along the trail and turn back. They complain too, stating endless excuses as to why they have to stop but claim they "could have" made it to the top if they wanted to, but why bother. They are the poor me hikers. They at least engage in their life, but they keep giving up on themselves instead of following through to their goal. The non-hikers and poor me hikers are dictated by fear. That is all it is, fear, plain and simple. They live with the many excuses that fear creates, "It's raining, I'll do it tomorrow (tomorrow never comes), I can't do it, it's their fault, I would if...it's too hard, what if I get hurt, I'm too good to hike, I could hike Mount Everest," etc, etc. Okay, the hikers, the one's that make it to the top are afraid too. They may even have some self-worth issues (who doesn't), but they never let their fears stop them. Our journey and our series of hikes is about engaging in our journey. Nobody can make the climb for us and everyone has fear. Don't ever let fear stop you from taking that first step onto the trail and continuing to take steps until you get to the top. As for love, love yourself enough to believe that your journey is worth it. No matter what issues you are battling, scars from the past you carry or perceived hardships, start with a glimmer of love and take the first step onto the trail and don't look back until you've reached the top.

Needle in the Haystack

Finding a date is easy but finding the right partner is not. We have all learned through our mistakes, the error in choosing partners based on what others want for us, or based on our own blindness as to what our hearts wanted versus what we convinced ourselves we wanted. Most people are so out of tune with their hearts that their dating partners are sometimes based on shallow needs, like attractiveness and immediate gratification of wants and desires. Having a mate on the other hand, takes much more insight into yourself to help you first be the partner you are looking for, then attracting the person that is what you are looking for. I've heard people complain endlessly about their dating woe's and inevitably I hear them say, "I'm looking for the needle in the haystack." Be the needle in the haystack and you will find the needle in the haystack. "But, needles are hard to find," might be your counter argument. Yes they are...but finding the seemingly impossible is possible but first you need to be the very thing you are looking for. Self awareness is paramount to finding the partner of your dreams. I've seen many good men and women sabbotage the very relationships they were looking for because they were not secure enough to sustain it. They attracted the mate they wanted but didn't feel good enough, or deserving enough and so they ruined it. Karma is the lesson in partnerships. People are often attracted to someone, like a magnet drawn to metal, but often karma is at play. Karma is unfinished business between two individuals and is often a part of a soul contract that needs to be fulfilled. Have you ever been drawn to someone that wasn't good for you but you were attracted to them anyway. Children are a part of soul contracts too. Every relationship offers some kind of lesson and opportunity for growth. In addition to growth, even better if you fulfill the contract you agreed to complete here with that person on a soul level. If you are open to a higher power and you are insightful and open, then as you work on yourself...you will draw toward you, your needle in the haystack. Whether that person is your soul mate or a much needed karmic lesson, if you ask the universe to bring toward you the best person for your greatest and highest good, then the law of attraction will begin to work. It takes faith and trust and you must then listen to your intuition guide you in the direction that is in the best interest for your highest good. Some souls are here to just "be" and their energy is what is needed here. Those people might choose not to marry or they choose not to have children since on a soul level, they do not want to create any karma here. Being the very best you can be while you are learning is the best way to attract your next partner (and lesson). If you give up, hide, close yourself off or send otherwise negative vibrations out to the universe saying "why bother," then the universe complies and nothing is sent your way. The universe listens to our hearts desires. If true love is what you are looking for, then be open to the fact that the universe might answer by first sending a few people your way to clear up karmic debt...the price you must pay to pave the way to finding love. Addressing karmic ties isn't punishment. Each time you have a chance to clear up some karma or to help someone else is actually a blessing and lightens the energy load you are carrying. The karmic lessons might be someone else's and you are there to just shed some light on their lessons for their growth. Either way, even the quickest relationship can be filled with a lot of growth potential for all involved. We as humans get impatient and say "I want love now," but we aren't willing to do the work necessary to be the loving person we need to be to attract the person we dream about. Think of the universe as a great master, carefully choosing the best lessons to help you grow and learn. I know this might sound confusing but it's simple really. Yes, you might meet someone tomorrow and what seems like a very intense, passionate love affair, might not be your soul mate but one of your potential soul mates and there is karma to work on. What if the relationship helps you clarify what works for you and what doesn't. The relationship might even burn out quickly, leaving you confused...but not all relationships are meant to last. Karmic ties tend to be intense and dramatic. That doesn't mean they are the best partner for you for the long term. They are just a stepping stone to get you to the person that you've been searching for. Instead of being bitter about those relationships that didn't last, thank them in a blessing for the time you had with them and for the lessons learned. They also showed you that in this lifetime, they are not where they need to be emotionally to sustain anything long term with you or maybe you learned that you aren't yet strong enough to sustain something long term with them and that you have more growing to do. Perhaps your own wounds are still blocking you from being the needle in the haystack. Remember, everyone has likely broken a few hearts on their journey and couldn't be what someone else hoped they would be. Continue to work on yourself and be clear about what you are ready for and the universe will open the doors that will best serve you. Have faith, be patient and above all else...embrace every opportunity sent your way to help you learn and grow on your journey.

Take Flight

Five years ago today, I wrote the following blog article on the plane from Connecticut to California. I had recently had that very difficult "talk" with my now ex spouse about separating because our marriage was seriously broken. I was taking a flight to sort things out, see family and have a little alone time. I knew that my life was about to take a drastic turn and I guess I needed a weekend to help cushion the fall. I still like to travel with my kids and now they are MUCH easier travelers. Oh what a difference time makes. October 23, 2009: I am sitting on an airplane on my way to California. I am originally from CA, so flying across country has become something I am accustomed to. This flight is especially relaxing because I am without my children. Usually, I am fixing portable DVD players, coaxing them to stay in their seat belts, getting them snacks and drinks and praying that we don’t create too much of a distraction for the rest of the passengers. We usually do cause a ruckus however. We all flew to Texas last spring and my then 3 year old was absolutely exhausted! The flight attendant came over at one point and very rudely pointed out to him that he was not a very well behaved child. He didn't care. At the end of the flight we were sitting on the runway, waiting for a gate to open up. I quietly pointed out to him as he was whining, that he was just tired and cranky. Not such a smooth move on my part. He took the opportunity at that moment to yell at the top of his lungs, “I'M NOT CRANKY!” At that point, his statement broke the tension on the plane and everyone started laughing. That was a good moment. It was always very interesting on flights throughout the past 10 years, when my kids were babies, crammed into a coach seat trying to breast feed, with an absolute stranger sitting on one side, that you might as well just let it all hang out. I lost all sense of modesty after that. It’s always fun when you board the plane with your kids and you get those looks from passengers. You know those looks, the one’s of worry and panic that your kids are going to make the flight horrendous. What the heck, there are no flights just for kids where they are quarantined from the rest of the passengers. You book a ticket on an airline and yes, there are bound to be families on the planes. If you want peace and quiet, book a private charter or stay home. It’s always fun being in mid air when one of the kids throws up. That is just a barrel of laughs. The toddler stage is really fun too, when they just want down and it is like a circus act, trying to get them to stay in their seats! I always consider it a success or a miracle when one, let alone all of them fall asleep, then I can actually have a few moments to myself. Flying is not easy with kids, but I never focus on the difficulty in getting to our destination. I always focus on the goal.....the fun we will have when we get there. I know some people who refuse to embark on the adventures of traveling with their kids, because it might be tough. Again, like anything worthwhile in life, you have to focus on the end result, not the work it takes to get there. Don’t limit yourself, just because it may be stressful or take some effort on your part. If you do, you’re missing out on all the freedom and all of the opportunities you could have. My kids are sure glad that I make the effort. They are easier travelers now that they are older and I have smartened up too and learned from trail and error. I always travel non-stop when possible, bring extra snacks and I always have a bottle of Benadryl handy (just joking, sort of). As I sit, enjoying the flight, I smile as I hear other people’s kids screaming and whining, knowing that as long as they aren't my kids, they can scream all they want......I brought my Ipod.

Love is Infinite

"All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love"…(Leo Tolstoy). Love is the energy of the heart. It is expansive, endless, can heal and be felt to the depth of one's soul. There are numerous sayings about love: Love can move mountains; The power of love; Love heals all wounds and; Love makes the world go round. I say to my kids often, "I love you as big as the world, the universe and beyond." Love is all encompassing and mirrors the beauty of our souls. Love feels like listening to the most delightful song, when every cell of your body feels alive and wonderful. Love helps us feel connected to humanity, the earth, every living creature, and to all that is. Love allows us to see the wonder of life and nurtures hope. When you no longer need the fortress to hide behind, love lights the way and illuminates your path. Love is unconditional and knows no bounds. Love seems to be felt more deeply from learning and experiencing the lessons of loss and pain. Regarding loving yourself, the line in the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" says it best when the author journals to herself, "I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you." Love is the biggest inspiration for poetry, movies, art and music. Here are some inspiring quotes about love: "I believe that love cannot be bought except with love"...(John Steinbeck): "A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge"...(Thomas Carlyle): "Brief is life but love is long"...(Alfred Lord Tennyson): "He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes"...(Buddha): "We can do no great things; only small things with great love"...(Mother Teresa): "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet"...(Plato): and of course the ever famous, "All you need is love"...(John Lennon & Paul McCartney). I also like Lucy's quote from the Peanuts cartoons, "All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! (Charles M. Schulz)." Love is being open and gloriously, willingly vulnerable. Love is the dream that never ends, for it imprints everything and everyone in it's path and never fades. Love is always worth any risk because loving now is the ultimate gift to yourself and others. Ultimately, you'll regret holding back and hiding but if you let your love flow freely, without limits or restrictions, you will know happiness. So, open your heart, follow your heart and let yourself love.

The Freedom of Forgiveness

One of the toughest lessons for many people is forgiveness. Why is it so hard for people to forgive? Somehow it feels protective to just hold out and say, I will not forgive. It gives one a false sense of control. The only one who suffers from that is you. People ask me all of the time, "how can I ever get over the pain I have been through." Forgive. The person who has hurt you is responsible for their own journey. Let yourself forgive, thereby giving your emotions the permission to heal. One client said to me recently, "how can I forgive when my ex-husband is a terrible father to my kids." You can forgive. That father will pay the price in his lack of relationship with his kids. His journey will reveal his lessons. Let the anger go and free yourself by forgiving. Another client said he'd hate his mom forever. Who is that tormenting, him or his mother? That may feel like punishment, but again, who pays the price for that. The act of hating or lack of forgiveness keeps you in the victim role. It is just a story that you have told yourself and now as "the victim" you have to keep holding onto pain and blame, to keep the story going. Forgive.......let go of the pain and the story is no longer part of you. Each perceived hurt anchors the story. You define your story, so re-write it with a different ending. Refuse to be the victim. The victim says, he or she did this to me and I cannot forgive them for it. Don't let the victim anchor those stories around you. Everyone has been hurt, yet each person has the ability to choose to free themselves from their stories and redefine their lives. Forgiveness is healing for everyone! "Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule (Buddha)." We teach children to get along, to say they are sorry and to not hold grudges. Why can't adults practice what they preach? For every hurt you perceive has been done to you, someone else may perceive that you have done to them! Feel the pain, but don't hold onto it indefinitely. Review why you keep holding onto the hurt and why your are afraid to let it go, then practice forgiving each and every day, until it becomes easier. While you are at it, forgive yourself too. If you are holding out and not forgiving others, then chances are that you are not forgiving yourself for your own behaviors. Ultimately, love is the only answer. Love yourself, love others and send love to your pain and to your lack of forgiveness. "I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love".... (Mother Teresa).

Take Care of Yourself! (2014)

A little over seven years ago, I was walking to my office with my coffee in hand when I suddenly lost consciousness and fell to the pavement. When I came to, I was dizzy and could not stand for awhile, thereby ruling out that I had simply tripped. I went to the emergency room and luckily, all serious conditions were ruled out. The only conclusion, low blood sugar from skipping breakfast that morning. Up until that fainting spell, I had not been taking very good care of myself. Since the birth of my first child in 2000, the focus on my health had steadily been declining. I had been guilty of the typical mommy syndrome......,everyone else came before me. I had been physically fit before kids, then found a million excuses to avoid the gym. The excuses had some validity. There had always been a baby crying, a needy husband, house to clean, groceries to shop for, clients to see and more chores than I could keep up with, never mind that I was exhausted and never got enough sleep. That fall literally woke me up!! The day after the fall, I vowed to take my life back and I have been off and running ever since. Those wake up calls are our lesson's to assess what is not working in our lives and change it. I started to take responsibility for my health and well being and I transformed my life. The first step.....eliminating the excuses. I started asking for more help from others around me and went to the gym no matter what, having my spouse take the kids even if they were crying or whining. I did not allow guilt trips or the mountain of chores and responsibilities to deter me. I would talk myself through excuses, "there is always so much to do anyway, an hour at the gym won't put me that far behind." I immediately started to eat 4-5 small healthy meals a day, instead of skipping meals or overeating whatever I was feeding the kids. I became a modified vegetarian (I still eat fish) and started educating myself on the nutritional value of the foods I was eating. I also started focusing on weight training and cardio as well as getting back to my love of hiking and outdoor activities. Then there was sleep. I started making sleep a priority too. Sleep is the best meditation, according to the Dalai Lama, and I believe it. I certainly had not realized how sleep deprived I had become until I started focusing on it. Having children had changed my sleep patterns significantly. I had become accustomed to waking up at the slightest sound, whereas before kids, I could sleep through a hurricane! I had to start allowing for enough sleep and again, asking from help from my spouse to let me sleep in. I work with so many sleep deprived moms. I ask them, "are your husband's sleep deprived?" The answer is usually, "NO." I guide women to request help from their spouses, family, or hire a sitter to watch the kids, to make the time to get sleep and to stop making excuses. Mental and physical health requires sleep! The benefits of focusing on my health have been numerous. I have more energy, lost a lot of weight and kept it off, my cholesterol went down significantly (over 100 points), I'm happier and I role model to my kids the value of taking care of themselves. I have a scar on one of my knees from the fall, a permanent reminder to always take care of myself. "Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care (Buddha)."

Just Being Me

Five years ago, I wrote the mirror article to this one, called "Backyard camp out." Five years later, I can read that blog article and reflect about my sentiment and analyze if I practiced what I preached. Back then, I slept in the fort with my kids (and froze) but I was working way too much. I did manage to squeeze in fun road trips from time to time and a little quality time, but I was failing when it came to the work/life balance. I was not spending nearly enough time with my kids. I was juggling way too much and the result was that I was stressed, exhausted and often lacked patience with my children. I tried to make myself feel better by taking them on road trips, but the reality was that I was not there enough for them. When I was with them, I enjoyed it but since I was drowning in obligations, I was often distracted. I would squeeze in a class trip or volunteered in my child's class, but I'd be running behind schedule or high tail it back to the office to see another client. I felt important, after all....people needed me. What I didn't see was that my children needed me more. I also suffered from mommy guilt, from being a working mom. I just couldn't balance all of the demands very successfully. Once I decided to move to the west coast, I knew being a full time mom would have to take priority. However, I didn't know how to be a full time mom. I wondered, "What is my identity if I'm not working as much and what will I do with all of that time!?" Moving created a lot of distractions and mostly we were all adjusting to a new home, a new state and a new school. We needed to find our new favorite restaurants and we all needed to make friends. Although I kept a small remote private practice, I found that during my first year after the move, I was literally deescalating from the intense schedule I had maintained on the east coast. My kids and I settled into the new house and they pushed all of my buttons as they were also not use to seeing me so much. I admit, I just wasn't a very good stay at home mother at first. I also realized that I had far more freedom and independence while working and any parent that says otherwise just isn't being honest. Going to work is a break. Hey, I adore my kids but they fight and bicker and need attention constantly. In my new life, I found myself joining the PTA and volunteering more at school, things I didn't have as much time for when I was working full time. I actually started making friends, another thing I didn't have much time for while working full time. My children started seeing me happier and we began to settle in to our new routine. Now four years later, I can honestly say that I couldn't even begin to imagine juggling the type of schedule I did back then, nor would I want to. I do keep busy, leading events for Girl Scouts and then in between....I hike, do yoga (something I had always wanted to do) and I trek my kids to their sport practices and games. I am a glorified taxi driver and I don't mind it one bit. I learned that I had to redefine what it meant to be a success and I learned that my identity was not tied to my career. In fact, my identity is really just me....being and doing what best serves my family. My children will grow up fast and I have plenty of time to focus on my career, but for now I'm finally happy working part time and being there for my children. It's the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Now my kids joke..."Go get a job mom!" I know they love having me around and mostly they need to know I'm there for them so they can joke about me working all they want. I have the best job ever actually...being their mom.

Let it Fade

Letting an old life crumble and allowing a new life to unfold often meets with resistance and fear mixed with excitement. I let my old life fade away and like the sun going down creates a beautiful sunset and then the moon follows filled with the mystery of the dark, my new life was created from the stars, breathing new life into my soul. Watching the sun go down is a beautiful sight as the sun begins it's decent from the sky. We know the sun never disappears however, it's just temporarily hidden from our view...spreading light elsewhere, only to gloriously return to us the following morning. I had to maintain that kind of hope and optimism during my darkest days. It is what kept me going...knowing that the dark provided the moon, the stars, the unknown and that there is as much to learn from the night as there is to gleam from the day. I learned to go within and that my external life was not where my security existed. I had to create an incredible trust with myself, with god and with those parts of existence that seem hidden. People build security in jobs, marriages, homes, and routine. Those things can certainly add to our life or take away, depending on the quality of those relationships, however the real journey is inside of yourself. Letting my old life fade away was certainly a challenge at times, mostly from the world around me. When we seek change, those people tied to us may or may not want changes of their own as they may be living their own masquerade and they do not want the mask to be taken off. The charade might be another's way of surviving and the fight that ensue's to get you to change back and put your mask back on is paramount to innocent women being jailed and tortured during the Salem witch trials. The same you might say? Women were jailed for simply using herbs from their gardens, being beautiful and seductive, and for being different. When change occurs against someone's will because you simply change, the attacks on your character can be profound. I learned something incredible though during my times of challenge, when people around me were on the attack. I discovered that challenge is good. Challenge separates the faint of heart from those hearts that are divinely inspired. I realized that my heart and will could not be broken and from the rubble, I emerged anew. I can say now.."Let it fade" with the utmost confidence that as the day turns into night and night into day, I will continue to shine, illuminating the divine essence of all that is.

Say What??

Sometimes people behave in way's that make you wonder, what were they thinking...or in modern slang, "Say what!?' People act out their deeply buried pain. That is why people can lack compassion, behave selfishly, be mean or even act cruelly. The denial in mean spirited and selfish people is so profound, they rationalize their bad behavior or just blame other's as deserving it. Often people also completely minimize the behavior saying, "you're so sensitive, it's not that bad!" The detachment in them in significant. I often have clients ask me, "How and why can so and so be so incredibly mean." It's tough to fathom when you are a caring individual, that some people operate out of spite, vengeance, selfishness and resentment. They simply justify their behavior as the person or world made them act that way. Here are some of the mean or selfish behaviors I have heard about in the years of working with clients. A husband is home with his 3 month old baby boy. His wife goes out to a movie to have some time for herself. When she returns, she finds her husband sleeping and assumes all went well.....until she hears a muffled cry and opens the bathroom door. She is shocked when she sees the bassinet and baby crying, realizing her husband pushed the baby and bassinet into the bathroom so that he could get some sleep. What was he thinking? An ex-husband shows up at his son Jacob's baseball game which happens to be on Jacob's seventh birthday. The father has no gift or card for his son and simply says, Happy Birthday, then leaves the game. What was he thinking? A father so incensed that a driver honk's at him, gets out of the car and beats the driver to a pulp, in front of his 5 year old son. What was that father thinking? A wife yells at her spouse, "I hate you and wish you were dead." What was she thinking? A father terrorizes his son for years with cruel words and actions. What was he thinking? I've heard many stories of child abuse where the parents bury their heads in the sand and ignore what is or has happened and even defend the abuser. What are they thinking? "Good men and bad men differ radically. Bad men never appreciate kindness shown them, but wise men appreciate and are grateful. Wise men try to express their appreciation and gratitude by some return of kindness, not only to their benefactor, but to everyone else (Buddha)." People in deep pain and denial, project their pain on everyone around them. That pain causes so much pain in other's, which may take years or a lifetime to sort through. Try not to spend too much time understanding people's bad behavior's, work on yourself and get stronger. A big lesson and test of being hurt by bad behaviors of other's........,to avoid joining them in denial, rage, retaliation or vengeance. The journey with very painful lessons is to feel what has happened, learn compassion, find ways to protect yourself and your children from abusive behaviors and ultimately to forgive. Forgiveness does not condone bad behaviors, it releases you from being judge and jury and frees you from carrying the pain forever. I'll end this article with an inspiring quote from Mother Teresa to illuminate the point that all of life is a lesson. "Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it."

Fortress

Children come into the world full of unconditional love, but in a conditional world, they build their walls brick by brick until a fortress is built around them. We all have such an enormous capacity to love, but it becomes jaded, stifled, and blocked. What does it take to break down the fortress? The fortress was build as a form of protection, so trusting that you are safe is a start. It will not feel safe as you begin risking vulnerability but you must first risk vulnerability to reassure your defenses that you can allow yourself to address your feelings. As children we were born open and willing to be honest about our feelings. Each day though, our parents and environments taught us to hold back, behave, not act too excited, told to not cry, and it pushed down our very essence. The journey as adults.....,begin to feel again and break through the pain which built the fortress. Fear always has to be addressed in dealing with the fortress. Fear is the guardian and tries to dissuade us from heading into the unknown. It convinces us that the fortress is just fine and there is no need to go any further. It keeps us locked up however and in a perpetual state of limbo from ourselves. People often believe their fortresses are protections, but all too often people stay in bad situations with not very nice people, because they can't feel how damaging the situation really is. Without an open heart connection, you can't really discern painful situations. You may know it's bad, but aren't fully feeling the situation completely. That leads us into denial which is a crafty defense that can put a veil of illusion around you. That veil shows you what you want to see in a person or situation, not what they or it really is. It is truly self deception at it's best. Hey, we've all been guilty of it! The more you stray from your heart, the more you cling to illusion and fear, the more you reside in denial. Our society also conditions group denial of feelings. The socially acceptable way to keep denial in place and from feeling too much: worry, zone out watching television, drinking alcohol in excess, smoking, drugs, gambling, sex addictions, shopping, gossiping, food, anger and more. Unfortunately, those very behaviors can create another level of avoidance when the addictions to keep you from feeling actually become a problem which necessitates more denial! What a vicious cycle. The media wants you to stay zoned out and in denial and so do politicians. Be aware that family members entrenched in dysfunction also encourage denial and numbing. Misery loves company. Denial is a tough lesson, because you have to really face yourself and discover what you are really clinging to. First step, break the denial and keep breaking it. That tricky denial just keeps throwing up veil's of illusion. Once you break one layer, don't be surprised when another layer pops up with a different spin. It's still fear disguised! I have seen so many individuals finally break through denial in relationships and feel the pain of the situation, kinda like a hallelujah moment, only to cover it back up days, weeks or months later. People make excuses and say things like, "well, he's been nicer for a week," or "it's really not as bad as I thought" or "the kids seem fine" and "why rock the boat." I'm telling you, don't believe one darn thing that denial tries to tell you. Protective, nope, it's just a stall tactic....to avoid facing your fears and to keep you incredibly out of touch with your heart center. What fears? Fears of change, avoidance of loneliness (even though the situation may be incredibly lonely), guilt (more self abuse), finances, protecting the status quo and the list goes on and on. Hiding in your fortress and ignoring your feelings is paramount to abuse, that you are doing to yourself! Sometimes, it can feel quite cozy in your fortress. It feels like a safe place for awhile because becoming aware of one's feelings or what is really occurring around you may seem like opening Pandora's box. Your denial imprisons you in the fortress and as comfortable as it may feel, it is an avoidance of who you are and what you are really feeling. There is no pressure though or judgement. We are all learning. You can shift though when you are ready and show that pesky denial that you are in charge and it does not control you. If you trip up, it's okay, you start over assessing what you learned. Bravely face your fears, see the truth beneath the denial and allow yourself to feel, dismantling your fortress one brick at a time. Understand your story, but don't cling to it. Our stories are to help us learn. Once you learn the lesson though, the story is in the past and no longer needs to define you. It's your life to live, do you want to stay hidden behind a fortress? "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: 1.) not going all the way; and 2.) not starting, (Buddha)."

Energy of the East

Each season represents a direction. The Fall season is the energy of the East. The East represents change, washing away the old to bring in the new and new beginnings. Of course to have a fresh start, you need to let something go. Five years ago, I was in the throes of massive changes. I had only begun to shift...but as one domino was toppling, many more were sure to follow. The following article was written five years ago, when I still had time for spontaneous road trips, as my kids were young enough to flee town for a weekend. Now, my kids are immersed in sports and activities and my road trip days are somewhat on hold. October 14, 2009: Another road trip with my kids this past weekend. We went the correct direction this time and headed to Lake Placid, NY. The message for me on this trip; enjoy the moment, appreciate the positive souls who crossed our paths and notice the changes all around me. Being in the moment with my kids was easy. We stopped for lunch at a diner on the way to Placid and I had to laugh when we had an interesting encounter with a stranger. The diner was packed and my children were actually being relatively quiet at the table. An older lady kept trying to get my attention and I was looking at her with a look of surprise because for the life of me, I could not figure out what she wanted. She got up and came closer and I finally heard her say, "Would you mind keeping your son quiet?" Well, now I was shocked! Look, I have very spirited kids. The downside of not squashing their spirit is sometimes they can be very difficult to contain. So believe me, my kids can get out of control, but this was not one of those moments. I swear, they were playing nicely! She was talking about my four year old, who was playing with two pencils and pretending that they were cars racing. He was having a blast. The adults in the restaurant were being louder than him. I quickly replied, "excuse me?" with the hope that she was actually joking. "Do you speak English?" she said loudly. I started laughing. She repeated her absurd statement several more times asking if I would mind keeping him quiet, because he was driving her husband crazy. Wow, a playing, happy child was driving her husband crazy. What does that say about him! I finally said, mustering up a great deal of patience, "Yes I do mind, he is playing nicely and I will not ask him to stop." She was surprised that she could not control the world around her. An adult that was not willing to behave! Usually, I might get a little more feisty with someone like that, but I noted the change in myself, that my patience had definitely increased. We did not give the incident another thought, but I bet she and her husband ruminated about it the rest of the day! You cannot control the world around you, only how you react to it. That evening at dinner, we crossed paths with people who were so friendly and attentive to my kids. The three tables around us in the restaurant asked my kids questions, laughed at their jokes and genuinely seemed amused by them. It was a pleasure! As far as noticing other changes, the autumn colors are hard to miss! We hiked a familiar mountain, but this time the trail looked very different in the fall. As in life, sometimes we take the same route but the changes in and around us can be breathtaking. I also recognized a significant change in my oldest son. At nine years old, his nature is always more cautious. On hikes, he usually tends to go slow and always watch his step. This time however, he approached the trail differently and headed up first, completing the hike faster than us and by himself. He was beaming with pride when we caught up with him at the top. His new found confidence was clearly showing. On the way down, now feeling like an expert at this trail, he helped his little brother all the way down. He emerged from the trail with a profound new sense of himself and I beamed too knowing it was one of many lessons he would learn in life. He found the hiker within, the risk taker and the ability to help show other's the way. We all have those moments, when we approach the trail of life with a little more bravery, we face our fears and emerge stronger and transformed, then help others do the same.

Divine

The issue of masculine versus feminine is an interesting debate. Men are struggling with societies pressure on them to exude strength but often that results in aggressiveness and the inability or difficulty expressing vulnerability and emotions. Females have difficulties as well. Beauty is praised of women and strength is not encouraged, leaving women vulnerable to body issues, eating disorders and resistance when they attempt to find their voice. How would a man work on the divine masculine in himself and how would I define the divine masculine? It got me thinking. Of course I have been working on the divine feminine and I could easily answer what the divine feminine is, but I needed to mediate a bit on how to define the devine masculine. First, I believe the divine feminine is receptive, mysterious, soft, nurturing and represents pure love. A woman in her divine feminine is in balance with her masculine energy but she quietly reserves it for the moments she needs to step up to lead and to protect herself or others, namely children and those who are vulnerable. The divine feminine energy is alluring (like the moon) and magical. I believe the divine masculine is protector of divine feminine and of innocence, especially children. A man in touch with his feminine side but carries a quiet strength about him. A man you feel safe with when you are in his presence. A man that brings out the best in those around him without even really noticing it. The divine masculine adores and respects women. To define the divine in masculine and feminine arouses the debate...."To claim either gender as divine is to segregate the totality of Divinity." My response is simple. The directions of east, west, north and south are divinely the same in that each arouses vibration yet differ in the energy each represent. All is divine. The masculine and feminine represent the opposite sides of the same coin, however the energy each bring to the table are unique and should not be considered the same....Just as each soul is divine yet divinely different. Shouldn't we honor the divine energy each of us bring to the whole? We have been given an opportunity in the physical body we live in to understand wholly the beauty in being male or female as well as learning to express our soul freely through the body we inhabit. A drop of water is but a drop but once it drops into the ocean, it is a part of the whole. We are all a part of the whole. Each of us connecting and combining with all that is, but we each hold a unique blueprint...our soul is a unique drop of water coming from different springs. Separating the ego from it, we are all the same but we contribute our lessons and our illumination to raise the vibration of all. Yes..we are all divine and our journey is to discover that.

Wind and Water

I teach Feng Shui classes and I am always reminded about how much I love talking about how energy affects us profoundly each and every day. Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese art of placement of the chi (energy) in and around us. Feng Shui translates into wind and water. The idea of Feng Shui is that our environments should reflect nature and our spaces should reflect balance. We can shift the energy in our environments by attending to colors, furniture placement, the balance of elements, clearing clutter and countless other ways to bring the energy of nature into our homes and work spaces. Our homes also reflect us and the space affects us. If your home is on a busy street the sound of traffic affects you. If your home looks like a museum or a cluttered mess, that affects and reflects you as well. I like to think that Feng Shui can be applied to the energy of our thoughts and the energy of the people we have around us. So, what is the energy of your thoughts? Do you have mostly positive, self affirming, life affirming thoughts? If not, time to Feng Shui and clear up the mind clutter. People often have anxious thoughts. Anxious thoughts bring chaos and fear into your life. "We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world (Buddha)." Change your thoughts and you alter how you feel. Fear is based on irrational thoughts. Being aware of what you are thinking, focusing on the positive and changing your thoughts will help you feel more in balance. A client recently complained about her job. She was focusing on what she did not like, the boss, the lack of communication and frustrating customers. After some discussion though, she did not want to quit and actually had more things she liked about the job! But each and every day, she would wake up focusing on the negative and therefore end up frustrated and defeated. The redirection of her thoughts to focus on the flexibility, money, co-workers and job security helped her realize that she was creating negativity and she could shift that by focusing on the positive. Often people fight allowing life to be calm and joyful so they use their thoughts to create worry, fear and doubt. Cluttered thoughts make you feel frustrated and exhausted by life. Another client recently complained that life was terrible and that he felt like he was on an endless treadmill. After discussing his thoughts, he disclosed that he grew up in a very task focused home where there was never time to have fun or play. He grew up thinking that life was all work and responsibilities. He realized that he did not allow himself to have fun at all. Another friend was avoiding taking her children to the park because they would not want to leave after the hour of play. Her negative thought affected her decision. By re-focusing her thoughts on all of the fun she would have with her kids and minimizing the worry about a possible tantrum, she allowed herself to really enjoy the time with her kids. I know many individuals holding onto items in their home from relatives who have passed away. A few items are to honor the person they've lost but a house full of things reminding you of the loss is a distraction, keeping you stuck in the past. Just by bringing awareness to your thoughts (and how your environment reflects your thoughts and feelings) you can begin to free yourself from the illusion and restrictions your thoughts and emotions have been creating. You can create a harmonious life or one filled with fear, greed, negativity and lack of trust. How you view life is up to you. Clearing the thoughts of doubt and worry are important too. Doubt and worry are based in fear and create obstacles and road blocks. All negative thoughts are lower vibrational energy (clutter) and need a little Feng Shui to shift the awareness to the positive higher vibrational energy and allow yourself to release the need to cling to old thought patterns which are holding you back. Bringing nature into thoughts through meditation can help bring peace and calm into your life as well. Feng Shui is about balance and to ultimately achieve balance, you must go within. The answers are within you and quieting your mind through meditation and spiritual connection is a way to access source energy which is pure love versus energy from the world around you which is filled with mindless distractions. The mind is like a muscle you need to learn to discipline, work with, increase flexibility and strengthen. Create the world you want by imagining the person you always wanted to be and begin seeing yourself that way. Reinforce balance by being attentive to also creating an environment that supports you, not hinders you. Be positive, affirm life and affirm others and make the choice to love yourself and life.......it all comes from your thoughts. Thoughts create energy and energy attracts more "like" energy. You are what you think!

Anger

As children we have all heard the words, "sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me." That saying could not be more false! Words and cruelty can hurt people to the core of their being! "The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood (Buddha)." While I was leaving my office, a man in his car taking up two lanes, completely lost his temper when a driver honked to get him to move back into his lane. The man was shaking his fist, giving the other driver the middle finger and cursing. It was quite a sight! Why are people so angry? Rage and anger affect those around them and perpetuates more anger. Everyone has witnessed a fight or road rage, where seemingly "put together" people absolutely lose it on each other. Children treated harshly by an adult can turn into bullies, tormenting other kids and eventually turn into father's that bully their own children. Some children humiliated and treated cruelly by a parent might appear as a model child, only to take their anger out on their spouse or children when they are adults. Why do they do this? It was role modeled to them that you take your anger out on the people closest to you. Other children treated harshly by adults, may not be abusers but end up marrying someone who abuses them with anger. One client I counseled who was repeatedly verbally abused as a child with stuff like, "you're an idiot" and "you'll never amount to anything" took his anger out on the field while playing sports, starting fights and name calling. Even now in his 60's, those words still affect how he feels about himself. Another client in his 40's, recently broke down sobbing as he remembered the repeated humiliation of being ignored and dismissed by his father as well as harsh physical punishments. Ignoring someone is a form of rage too. Everyone has anger in them, it can be a healthy protective emotion. The issue is really about what you do with your anger. Name calling, degrading someone, telling other's they are no good or crazy is unacceptable and a form of verbal and emotional abuse. Rage, violence and hostile anger is passed down from generations in one form or another. Sometimes people end up angry because of growing up in an alcoholic home, where nobody was protecting the child or setting limits. The anger still originates from childhood wounds. Children and adults around hostility and criticism may also learn to repress their anger and instead of venting it outwardly, they turn it on themselves. Anger turned inward is depression! The lesson for any person with anger, to get back in touch with the pain they have been burying and to learn compassion for themselves and others. Unfortunately all too often though, the person with the rage issue refuses to get help and blames everyone else for their anger. It's always someone else's fault from their perspective. The blame game is a game nobody wins. I have counseled so many people affected by anger, generally the spouses and children. If the spouse with rage does make it to therapy, they still rant and rave about how everyone provokes them. The denial in them is actually really profound! "Do not speak harshly to any one; those who are spoken to will answer thee in the same way. Angry speech is painful: blows for blows will touch thee (Buddha)." Anger is a lesson for everyone. It is a lesson of self control of one's own anger and to walk away and refuse to engage when someone is verbally attacking you. Anger and controlling behaviors are really smoke screens for deep insecurities and pain. Send them love and walk away! I know first hand that this is not always easy to do. I too have gotten caught up in the verbal tug of war that anger provokes. It has never produced productive results however. Yes, expressing emotions is healthy but at some point, restraint is the toughest path but the most effective. Honestly, don't ever be afraid that if things escalate, call the police and get somewhere safe. Don't put up with repeated abuse. Nobody deserves any kind of abuse! Angry people need to justify their rage, so they will invent all kinds of triggers and excuses to spew their poisonous words. Be aware that anger is also the way the person can keep the person engaged in some kind of connection. This is the angry person's way of saying, I still need to drain your energy. Passive aggressive people go one step further, they provoke you to get angry because they cannot own their own anger. Find the strength to leave the person with rage in whatever form it takes if they refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior. Seek counseling to work through the wounds that anger has caused and be aware of what might be causing your own anger. Love is the only remedy for anger. "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger (Buddha)." Love yourself, seek the truth underneath your anger and learn to forgive, it is the only way!

Home

Lighten up is about letting go of pain from your past, being yourself and choosing enlightenment. It dawned on me last night that people carry so much excess baggage with them in the form of material items, worries about money, addictions, fears, resentments and more. The excess baggage I listed creates a hosts of problems physically for people causing illness, sleeplessness, emotional distress, etc. If our body is suppose to be our temple, then why are so many people treating their bodies terribly and giving away their power to others by expecting others to heal them, rather than gathering the tools and education to heal themselves? Of course seeking help is important, but I see people become addicted to the help they seek instead of being empowered to help themselves. That would be like continuing to clog your pipes with excess garbage but giving your plumber the key to your house and expecting them to fix it every time the pipes get backed up. Each of us has the ability to be intuitive and to seek the answers that feel right to us. The irony is, if you go to ten different doctors about an issue, often you'll get 10 different answers. Even in seeking help, you need to be empowered enough to be your own advocate. We are bombarded with scare tactics in the media as well which are more ways that keep people disempowered. Lighten up is about tuning in to your intuition rather than listening to others. Don't even listen to me! My words are my perspective...and each person should sit with every bit of information they tune into to see what makes sense to them and what does not. I thought about my own journey last night and I was definitely called by my intuition to lighten up. Over the years, I had to start questioning my own belief system. I use to own a house in Connecticut. When I was contemplating a move to California, I was so insistent at first that I had to buy a home in California instead of renting. I had some belief that owning was more secure than renting. Finally, I let go of that belief and rented a home. I found that there was virtually no difference. Other than not getting a tax break, I had less worries in a rental. I also had the freedom to move when it was time instead of the headache of selling. I take pride in any home I live in, whether I rent or own, so I learned that renting was just as worthy as owning and in fact a lot easier. As it turned out, we lost a lot of money on the house we owned in Connecticut and we had a tougher time letting the house go because we owned it. We had more emotional ties to the home because we owned it! I can laugh now in retrospect because ownership is really an illusion. We really never own anything. I can compare that to our bodies. Let's face it...we don't own the bodies we were born into. We can't keep them forever. We are simply renting them. Once we are done with this life, our bodies will die and our souls live on, to be born again. I observe people treating their bodies the same way as houses. They become too possessive over them...owning them so completely that they fear death. They fear letting go of the body they have become so attached to, so they obsess about death, create health issues and they never fully enjoy the body they have been living in. Their home has become something they think they own and they refuse to let go. Other's are in denial, they demolish their bodies with abuse because they are detached from themselves and they are like squatters, taking little to no responsibility for the home they've been given for this lifetime. Others fall somewhere in between. When you honor this life, this body, this home, even this Earth, you treat it with the respect of ownership but with the conscious awareness that we are all renters. None of us get to keep our bodies indefinitely, since our lease is always time limited. Some have longer leases than others but we are all renters nonetheless. Back to the plumber analogy, you can learn to head off many physical problems by taking better care of your body...but the process has to include the emotions. Clogged pipes=suppressed emotions...same thing! So lighten up...enjoy the body you are renting but take care of it because it's the home you'll reside in until your lease is up. Your body reflects the mind and a mind that is filled with junk will emanate junk and a mind that is clean and filled with love will exude love. Your soul on the other hand has the capacity to express unlimited beauty and love but the mind is the gatekeeper, choosing to either keep the soul in chains or to shift into one's heart therefore allowing one's body to reflect the mind-body-soul united. Your soul is your castle, so choose to shine like one.

Be Thankful

I have many friends that have lost loved one's recently to cancer. What a difficult lesson terminal illness is for the individual and for everyone touched by it...,the family, friends, caregivers, children and spouses. I read a statistic that approximately one in three individuals will get some form of cancer in their lifetimes. That is an astounding statistic. I interned at an oncology unit of a hospital when I was in grad school. I witnessed young 20's on up with various forms of cancer. Most days I would go home in tears, overwhelmed by the daily pain I was witnessing. Cancer is a lesson for us all. The lesson......gratitude for each and every day that we have. Most people are so busy and consumed by the stresses and business of their daily lives that they forget to take a moment and just appreciate the day. Each day is truly a gift we should not take that for granted. Just ask someone living with cancer and they will surely tell you that cancer has taught them to appreciate life! You have no idea what an amazing gift life is until you feel it slipping away, day by day. "If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change (Buddha)." Life is a miracle and each day is precious. I also observed at the hospital was loneliness, poverty, fear, sadness, mental illness and a lot of loss. Many people are struggling with very difficult lessons. Some have no contact with family and feel all alone. While interning at the hospital, I witnessed individuals in poverty, without enough bus money to get home. Some souls do not even have enough food to eat and many children are lacking in guidance, supervision, love and basic needs. Again, with all of that said, the lesson we can learn from our own struggles as well as others is gratitude. The other lesson of illness, disease and loss is awakening. When the individual suffering and those affected wake up to the opportunity to embrace life, they are forever changed. We have all heard stories of people disgnosed with cancer and they completely change their lives. I have watched people completely transform, enjoying a day with their kids or suddenly noticing a beautiful garden they've passed a million times. Compared to tragedy and loss, arguments and stresses of life seem pretty petty and time with loved one's more valuable than money. The lessons just continue until the day you leave this life so be in the moment, be grateful and embrace all that life has to offer. "Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it (Buddha)."

Synchronicity

Things always happen for a reason even if we are unaware at the time what that reason is. Eventually, we can figure it out. Have you ever had something happen that seemed like a crisis at the time, yet it pointed you in a completely different direction and you end up grateful that the changes occured? If you are not grateful...are you refusing to see that sometimes somethings happen which are actually blessings in disguise. I see it all of the time with my clients. They come to therapy because of a crisis, like a job loss or a break up. Eventually though, they end up on another path which has opened up new and exciting possibilities for them. I have also witnessed people fight the tide of change and make the transition difficult and overwhelming or they refuse to see the opportunity hidden in crisis and get caught up in blame and anger. The more you fight the changes that are meant to happen, the more you feel misery. The journey can be easy if you let it. Life is only as easy or difficult as you perceive it to be. I counseled a couple that were clearly in crisis. The husband was in crisis because his perception was that the possible break up was sudden and out of the blue. The wife was in crisis because she had been telling her husband for years that the marriage was not going well, but he refused to listen. Same crisis, different perspectives. People tune out what they don't want to hear until the changes are absolutely forced upon them. Those changes will happen regardless of whether you bury your head in the sand. The decision becomes, are you going to make it easier on yourself or difficult? It's your choice. Changes need to happen in life, otherwise people begin deceiving themselves or disconnecting. If you trust the process of life, trust your heart and do things with loving intentions, then even the biggest changes can hurt less, harm less and not cause such a huge crisis. People create the crisis because they fear and fight change. Crisis is the catalyst that opens your eyes, wakes you up to what you may have been dismissing or ignoring and moves you in a different direction. Sometimes that is needed! If people listened to their intuition and hearts earlier however, changes could have been made without such a mess involved. Crisis opens up your emotions and sometimes karmically it is needed to heal and bring awareness to the individuals involved. When ironic situations or serendipitous events occur, those situations are the Universe's way of making sure you are paying attention! You run into people from the past or family and old friends contacting you out of the blue, happen for a reason. Often, healing needs to occur or more lessons between the individuals are sorely needed. I ran into someone from high school seemingly by accident. I ended up being invited at the last second to a party and wham, the universe threw us together. I had remembered that she was not so nice to me all those years ago and as it turned out, she had the same view of me. At that moment we had an opportunity to see each other and ourselves in a new light and to heal the past. We chose forgiveness and it turned out to be a wonderful "chance" occurrence. Synchronicity happens every day if you just open yourself up to noticing. Everything happens for a reason, but it is your decision whether to seize the moment, heal, forgive, apologize, and to allow life to bring to you what you need, when you need it. Free will is always involved but the opportunity is presented nonetheless. Trust the process of life, allow changes to flow more easily and call on your faith and your heart to lead the way when you are unsure. A life led by the heart with unending faith is a life filled with excitement for one never knows what lies awaiting around the next bend in the road. A fearful person tries to control the ride and frets about what might be ahead but the person led by their heart is excited because each curve in the road is not to be feared but instead embraced for it is a challenge that they know they can meet head on. Synchronicity is the sign post reminding you that the overhead view of the curves, stops, and green lights on your journey are life's way of letting you know that you are on the right path, so slow down and enjoy the view.

Smile

I wrote this particular article 5 years ago and it is still as relevant today as it was 5 years ago. However, I have noticed that people in California overall, tend to be friendlier than the east coast, which is where I lived when I wrote the following article. Maybe it's the fact that the sun is shining year round here, or that it's the west, where people have more freedom to be their wacky, crazy, expressive selves. I adore the east but it is cold in the winter and people are more conservative. Don't get me wrong, there are miserable souls in California too, but they at least smile occasionally because well...the sun is shining. I had an interesting day five years ago observing people in Connecticut that I was interacting with. Many couples do not seem happy, bickering with each other or eating meals in restaurants in complete silence. Overall though, a lot of people in general look pretty miserable. In the morning, I was greeted with a smile at Starbucks. The staff at this particular location are so friendly that you just want to stay and bask in their friendliness. They smile and remember your order. It is a great way to start the day! The rest of the day went downhill from there. At the elementary school, the secretary looks like she has a permanent scowl on her face and I often wonder if being unfriendly is listed as part of her job requirement. Off to my son's preschool where some of the teacher's appeared to love their jobs, but others looked less than enthused to be there. One preschool teacher actually said to a four year old, "I am the boss of you." Hmmm, which one is the four year old? At the bank, one teller had a smile, the rest look grumpy and angry to be there, probably secretly wishing they could just take the money and run. At lunch, several employees smiled and one semi-negative cashier grunted. I went for a hike that afternoon and not surprisingly, everyone on the trail smiled and said hello. See, hikes are good for the soul! Watching people drive, some were aggressive drivers, most looked grumpy, some just blatantly would not let other's into the lanes. I did have one nice driver at a four way stop wave me to go first. Back at the pool daycare and wow, the two ladies in charge of watching the kids looked absolutely miserable. No smiles or greetings from them at all and the kids said they were mean. I didn't leave my kids with them again! The lifeguard at the pool was just nasty to the kids. Back to Starbucks for a dose of friendly. Then off to a meeting with three other parent's to plan meetings for a large group of seven year old girls that I was the leader of. That was the cherry that topped off my ice cream sundae day of unfriendly, when they tried to veto music and freeze dancing at the meetings, stating it riles the girls up too much and it is not a serious activity. It is serious.....seriously fun for the girls which seems to be a problem. The girls just loved their five or so minutes of dancing, so I fought to keep the fun alive! I appreciate all of the friendly souls I crossed paths with that day and I hope that they noticed the smile I sent their way too. As for the miserable souls, I gave them a smile too, but they didn't seem to notice. Buddha said, "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." Mother Teresa said, "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." Dalai Lama said, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." On that note, we all have a choice each and every day. Are we going to spread the joy or participate in the misery? What a simple action to say hello with a smile and choose happiness. If more of us choose the higher road, then hopefully, eventually, we can out number the one's who look unhappy. Yes...I am an eternal optimist! In the meantime, I will keep trying, one smile at a time.

Staying Centered

"Peace comes from within, do not seek it without." (Buddha) I just have a couple of questions for you. Are you calm and centered inside of yourself? Do you feel like internal peace is impossible and unattainable except for yogi's and monks? Many people have chaos spinning in their heads like rush hour traffic in New York City. If your head is constantly thinking, worrying, second guessing and obsessing...then you are not calm within. What does it take to be calm within? It takes time and discipline to slow down the traffic in your head until the traffic becomes a country road and you are walking, not running, driving or rushing. Yeah, you speed up a bit when you need to meet a deadline but the most centered people can accomplish a lot because they can tell the difference between the distractions and what is really important. People living with chaos in their minds have endless distractions. Slowing down is also a process of filling yourself up with clean fuel instead of polluted gasoline. Clean fuel has to do with the quality of your thoughts as well as tapping into a god consciousness. God awareness is a higher energy and having a spiritual connection is a higher fuel source. Racing thoughts filled with fear, doubt, and worry is lower energy and fills your tank with fuel that feels empty. People also fill their tanks with other distractions. They fill it with obsessing over money, excess consumption of food, sex, drugs, purchases, image, addictions and more. All of these things are serious distractions and direct your time and energy away from going within. A spiritually fed person is filled with higher fuel and then in turn produces higher return. Money is a necessity but has money ever made anyone happy? Why is it that so many music and movie stars, who have ample money, prestige and power are often miserable or addicted to substances? Money and fame don't make them happy because they need to find that inside of themselves, not in the world around them. Staying centered and being more attentive to the energy that feeds you takes awareness. You have to be incredibly aware daily of what you allow in as fuel. If you are producing self defeating thoughts, letting other people's opinions pull you down, looking for validation outside of yourself or letting wounds from your past keep you in pain then you are not running on clean fuel. Clean fuel means letting go of the past, reversing thoughts to be self improving not self defeating and it means trusting in god instead of fearing the world. People who are filled with a higher purpose have been wounded, understand the pitfalls of greed and power and they have often faced many challenges but they refuse to let those things own them. Instead they carry peace internally and have learned from their past instead of repeating it, they help others instead of only focusing on themselves and they trust in god instead of trying to control everything. The choice is simple...clean fuel or toxic fuel. What is your tank running on?