Anger

As children we have all heard the words, "sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me." That saying could not be more false! Words and cruelty can hurt people to the core of their being! "The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood (Buddha)." While I was leaving my office, a man in his car taking up two lanes, completely lost his temper when a driver honked to get him to move back into his lane. The man was shaking his fist, giving the other driver the middle finger and cursing. It was quite a sight! Why are people so angry? Rage and anger affect those around them and perpetuates more anger. Everyone has witnessed a fight or road rage, where seemingly "put together" people absolutely lose it on each other. Children treated harshly by an adult can turn into bullies, tormenting other kids and eventually turn into father's that bully their own children. Some children humiliated and treated cruelly by a parent might appear as a model child, only to take their anger out on their spouse or children when they are adults. Why do they do this? It was role modeled to them that you take your anger out on the people closest to you. Other children treated harshly by adults, may not be abusers but end up marrying someone who abuses them with anger. One client I counseled who was repeatedly verbally abused as a child with stuff like, "you're an idiot" and "you'll never amount to anything" took his anger out on the field while playing sports, starting fights and name calling. Even now in his 60's, those words still affect how he feels about himself. Another client in his 40's, recently broke down sobbing as he remembered the repeated humiliation of being ignored and dismissed by his father as well as harsh physical punishments. Ignoring someone is a form of rage too. Everyone has anger in them, it can be a healthy protective emotion. The issue is really about what you do with your anger. Name calling, degrading someone, telling other's they are no good or crazy is unacceptable and a form of verbal and emotional abuse. Rage, violence and hostile anger is passed down from generations in one form or another. Sometimes people end up angry because of growing up in an alcoholic home, where nobody was protecting the child or setting limits. The anger still originates from childhood wounds. Children and adults around hostility and criticism may also learn to repress their anger and instead of venting it outwardly, they turn it on themselves. Anger turned inward is depression! The lesson for any person with anger, to get back in touch with the pain they have been burying and to learn compassion for themselves and others. Unfortunately all too often though, the person with the rage issue refuses to get help and blames everyone else for their anger. It's always someone else's fault from their perspective. The blame game is a game nobody wins. I have counseled so many people affected by anger, generally the spouses and children. If the spouse with rage does make it to therapy, they still rant and rave about how everyone provokes them. The denial in them is actually really profound! "Do not speak harshly to any one; those who are spoken to will answer thee in the same way. Angry speech is painful: blows for blows will touch thee (Buddha)." Anger is a lesson for everyone. It is a lesson of self control of one's own anger and to walk away and refuse to engage when someone is verbally attacking you. Anger and controlling behaviors are really smoke screens for deep insecurities and pain. Send them love and walk away! I know first hand that this is not always easy to do. I too have gotten caught up in the verbal tug of war that anger provokes. It has never produced productive results however. Yes, expressing emotions is healthy but at some point, restraint is the toughest path but the most effective. Honestly, don't ever be afraid that if things escalate, call the police and get somewhere safe. Don't put up with repeated abuse. Nobody deserves any kind of abuse! Angry people need to justify their rage, so they will invent all kinds of triggers and excuses to spew their poisonous words. Be aware that anger is also the way the person can keep the person engaged in some kind of connection. This is the angry person's way of saying, I still need to drain your energy. Passive aggressive people go one step further, they provoke you to get angry because they cannot own their own anger. Find the strength to leave the person with rage in whatever form it takes if they refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior. Seek counseling to work through the wounds that anger has caused and be aware of what might be causing your own anger. Love is the only remedy for anger. "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger (Buddha)." Love yourself, seek the truth underneath your anger and learn to forgive, it is the only way!