Powerless versus Empowerment

When I was in college, I had my first serious boyfriend. I had not dated very much and I was relatively shy and naive. Not surprisingly, my boyfriend was more experienced, suave, charming and aggressive. It was a match that makes perfect sense, now that I reflect back on it. Being young and insecure meant that I was very susceptible to his suggestions and guidance. Quickly however, his guidance turned into control and before I knew it, I was engaged in a relationship that became increasingly dysfunctional. I can say now that he was abusive but back then, I had a very tough time admitting that. I certainly did not want to admit to myself when I was with him that I had been blind enough to be in an abusive relationship, so I made excuses and I saw what I wanted to see. I cannot place the blame on him however. He was a predator looking for prey and my own lack of self worth made me prey. When an individual lacks self worth, they either become clay without boundaries, easily molded by other powerless people, especially by controlling predators. The abusers lack self-worth as well but they use control, abuse, or cheating as their way of being fed emotionally. I allowed myself to be molded and finally, when I was tired of the abuse (and I opened my eyes), I left the relationship. Leaving the relationship was a step in the right direction, but I had a long journey ahead dealing with the insecurities that led me into that type of relationship to begin with. Often we are our own worse enemies. We abuse ourselves emotionally and merely attract people that will treat us the way we feel we deserve. Until I took ownership of myself completely and became the artist that molded my own life, I was susceptible to giving my power away. I know what I would have said back in college though, if the future me had said "You are giving your power away!" I would have said, "Power? I don't have any power!" That's how powerless I felt...I wouldn't have even known that I had any right to be empowered. Controlling people have power, but it's not empowerment. Controlling and abusing others is tyranny and abusers are fragile, broken people who steal others power to feel powerful. The path to realizing that I had power (and to stop giving it away) was a long process. It started with breaking denial and it continued with building insight and awareness and exploring what I feel, what I want and who I am. It's easy being clay, allowing others to mold your thoughts, choices, and perspectives. It left me empty however and less confident because I had become what others wanted me to be, without any awareness as to who I really was. The strength it took to break free from allowing others to influence me was profound. It felt scary at first because it meant that I had to validate myself completely and although I'd like to say that I stood on a mountain and said "I am empowered!," it didn't actually happen in such a dramatic way. Mine was a slow process, from first being aware that I had power, to building self awareness and thus increasing confidence, then finally building strength to protect myself and no longer allowing others to steal power from me. People are stripped from power in so many ways, especially in childhood, when parents tell you how you should be versus supporting you in who you are. Parents (often lacking in empowerment) simply teach what they know. The journey isn't blame though. Only you can take your power back, nobody can do that for you. Others can offer support and insight but empowerment is the journey of the self, like the boy that leaves the tribe on a quest to find themselves in the forrest, only to return a warrior. Own your power, see your power and refuse to give your power away and never steal anyone's power....This is the path of the empowered person.