The Marriage Challenge

Our society sells us on an image of marriage. As children, it is assumed that we will get married and have children. As young adults, friends and family apply pressure asking, "Hey, when are you going to settle down?" Women in their late twenties start to panic if they are not hitched yet. We are sold a glamorous, glossy, magazine type image of marital bliss. Yet, statistics and divorce rates paint a different picture. The reality is that we are told to get married, but not advised or supported on how to stay married. I have noticed that people around me have married 2-3 times. One could wonder if maturity and experience helped people find the right partners, but I think sometimes people become too tired to go through another divorce and decide they don't want to lose anymore assets, time and money. I don't mean to sound a bit jaded, but the divorce rate is higher for second marriages than it is for first marriages. In addition, I know too many people who without insight or therapy, and having done no work on themselves, launch into another marriage with a spouse similar to the one they divorced. I'm sure you know a few people who fit that description as well! So where does this leave us? It leaves us wondering about relationships and certainly brings up the issue...why are relationships falling apart? I have pondered this issue extensively and have lost sleep thinking about it. Fear of intimacy and vulnerability are my conclusion. Love is important, but we've all been in love with someone that may have loved us, but they could not overcome their intimacy issues. When a partner fears intimacy, or the intimacy and love you provide goes beyond what they've ever experienced, a defense pops up to put up barriers or speed bumps, to slow things down. Often the person is unaware that they are doing this. Barriers are simply "pushing away" tactics like picking fights, staying at work long hours, becoming needy (yes-that pushes the other person away or the person being pushed away from can get very needy), and cheating to name a few. The pushing away tactics keep the person safe from feeling vulnerable because they create drama or distance to distract themselves and often it distracts the partner as well. How can you get close and feel intimate with someone lying to you or pushing you away? You can't or at least it's extremely difficult. Sometimes, you have a moment of closeness and perhaps a breakthrough with your partner only to find the pushing away tactics get worse afterwards. These tactics can of course demolish the love that brought the two people together in the first place. Often the pushing away tactics create a backlash effect with the partner being pushed away. I've seen it time and time again that the partner with infinite patience and love finally gives up. Of course, nobody but god has infinite patience so a normal person with the need for connection and intimacy finally leaves the partner due to loneliness, frustration, anger, or all of the above. Of course, the people with absolute terror of intimacy, never commit and at least those people leave the relationship before it gets too serious. The one's that don't think they have intimacy issues are the one's causing havoc. Everyone has some intimacy issues! The first step is to admit that. Second, each person's tolerance of intimacy may vary, so partners need to discuss this! Often this is the pink elephant in the room that nobody is discussing. Two people in a partnership with varying intimacy capacity is like a 160 watt bulb being screwed into a 60 watt lamp. It may fit and it may turn on, however the bulb can melt the lamp and the lamp might burn out. Either way, there has to be adjustments so that the person with a higher capacity and need for connection can work effectively with a partner that requires very low wattage intimacy because a little is a lot to someone who might have had so little connection growing up. The worse thing that can be done is to ignore the issue. A person can increase their ability to tolerate closeness and connection, but it takes time, a lot of effort and work to push through one's defenses to distance. Fear of vulnerability is of course the root of intimacy issues and everyone has to work through vulnerabilities. Being with a partner that you are committed to working through these fears with is a healthy start to building something that can hopefully stand the test of time. Relationships too heavily damaged by distancing tactics may have built a Berlin Wall that is too difficult to scale and those couples eventually separate or they stay together as friendly enemies. Love is not the answer, it is the spark, and the hope, and the tears, but love is not enough if fears cannot be overcome.