Wide Awake

"Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe"...(Josh Billings). It was a normal June day in Connecticut. The sun was shining and I was taking a much needed break in between clients to walk over to Dunkin Donuts to get my second dose of caffeinne. I was walking back with my iced coffee, enjoying the view around the quaint main street where my office is located when suddenly everything went black. I remember being vividly aware of being flat on the pavement. My knee was burning and my coffee was lying empty on the ground next to me. I was disoriented as to what had happened. Had I tripped? I don't remember tripping but who knows, maybe I was more tired than I realized. Someone ran up to me to ask if I was alright. I said yes, even though I really wasn't sure. I tried to stand up but I started to get dizzy, so I sat back down. It took what seemed like an hour to crawl the 20 feet to my office door. I opened it and my client (who had been waiting for me to return) looked alarmed and she called the ambulance. I was checked out by the EMT and they released me to her after I half heartedly convinced them that I was fine. I was still unsure about what had happened to me. My client took me to the hospital and from that moment on, my life has never been the same. As I sat waiting in the Emergency room, it really struck me how I had been sleep walking through my life. I had been neglecting my health and my important workout routine including hiking, had become a distant memory. I did not like who I had become. I focused on helping everyone else except myself. I was suddenly more awake and aware that things had to change. It turned out that I had passed out on my walk that day due to low blood pressure. The next day, I started going to the gym faithfully and I completely changed my diet. I worked on getting more sleep and I started to really look at the patterns I had allowed in my life. Diligently, I started to break every pattern that was dragging me down. It took time...and lots of patience but I continued on. I had to address the biggest culprit of all, my own guilt. For many reasons, I believed that I had to be there for everyone else. I had allowed myself to give my power away. I was angry at others for that but really, my anger was at myself. Poor self worth had fueled that faulty thinking because at the root of things, I just didn't believe I was worthy to be happy, healthy and successful.  What I have learned over the past 5 years since that fall to my awakening, is that things are not always what they seem. I discovered that the fall was an initiation of sorts, ushering me to the me I was always suppose to be. Many of the misbeliefs I had about my childhood have become illuminated and relationships that were not in my best interest fell away while new opportunities and people presented themselves. The Katy Perry song, "Wide Awake" has been playing on my iPod lately, reminding me of how far I've come since that drop to the concrete in Connecticut. I have a star shaped scar on my left knee always reminding me of the star shining inside of me from a much needed wake up call. I thank my guides for changing my life that day. Wake up calls come in various forms but make no mistake, they are the Universe's way of getting our attention. "When a man has fulfilled all four of these requisites--to be wide awake, to have fear, respect, and absolute assurance--there are no mistakes for which he will have to account; under such conditions his actions lose the blundering quality of the acts of a fool. If such a man fails, or suffers a defeat, he will have lost only a battle, and there will be no pitiful regrets over that"...(Carlos Castaneda).

In the Red

I just arrived back from my usual summer trip to the east coast. My kids and I spent the past 25 or so days in Connecticut, upstate New York and a quick night over to Vermont. As usual, the trip was very good for me and I always come back with new knowledge about myself and life. How can I even begin to explain the journies I went on while drumming, the endless contemplation about life while hiking and the feeling of having one foot on each coast. I missed California however and I am very glad to be back. I must decribe my moods in color because it helps me to describe in a visual how I am feeling, much like the way I use photograps with my words to tie nature intimately with my words. Red is a color of fire energy, it can rejuvinate, motivate and expand. Now that I am back in California, red is the best way to decribe how I am feeling. I also use the term to describe how I might be feeling when I am heading into depletion, warning me that it's time to get rejuvinated again. All I can say is that I am in the red and with that, I will channell the red energy into painting drums, getting organized, hiking and having fun with my kids. Upon reflection of the past month, I have received messages from my guides constantly, indicating that I am heading in the right direction. I learned that my tribal name was Running Elk from a past life and I watched fire flies dance around my back yard in Connecticut. I danced like crazy on a girls night out, never mind that the average age in the place was 24. My friends and I didn't care. We danced with whomever and it was incredibly freeing, dancing with abandon. I remember being so self conscious when I was younger and worrying about how I looked, forever fearful that I'd embarrass myself. Now I embrace making a fool out of myself. Just ask the girls who attended the Girl Scout camp I directed. I rapped a camp song I wrote in front of over 200 girls. I'd say my days of being overly self conscious are over. I also held a women's drumming circle at my house in Connecticut and watched in awe as 5 other women with their beautifully painted drums, joined together to send healing intentions to those in need. The power of that drumming circle was palpable. Even two of my children begged to drum with us. It was a beautiful moment. If you had asked me several years ago if I'd ever be painting shamanic drums, having drumming circles at my house and talking about past lives so openly, I would have called you crazy. Now I embrace crazy and the life I am now living. My next drumming circle will include men as well since their energy was not purposely being excluded and masculine energy would be a nice balance to the group. I am learning the meaning of balance and day by day, my self awareness grows exponentially. My children had a great time on the east coast and they embrace the fact that their mom talks about god, guides, spirit and past lives...in the same casual manner that most people talk about their neighbors. My children have embraced their bicoastal life and we are all grateful to have so many opportunities to embrace change which helps us remain open and flexible. On this trip my children were actually begging to return to California by the time we boarded the plane this morning and they were extremely excited when the plane landed in Los Angeles. The east has endless green trees and friendships that remain strong, the west coast offers us new friendships and opportunities to expand in who we are. We have surely discovered that we are truly growing and learning wherever we may find ourselves. "In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true"...(Buddha).

Courage Wins

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"...(Mark Twain). Fear and doubt  have the power to erode your very foundation.....because fear is really nothing more than false excuses appearing real. Much like building an intecrate line of dominoes. You build your foundation with hopes, dreams and wishes. Then one day...you have a real possibility of love, success and all that you have prayed for. This is the real test. You start to question your faith, undermine hope and just like that....your fears finally put enough pressure on one domino and one by one, all the rest fall. Courage is the antidote to fear however. It uses fear to motivate and it helps you persevere the tests and to feel more empowered. Its only through giving into fear that your foundation falls. On the other hand, courage protects you and builds a stronger foundation. While I was running a day camp for Girl Scouts, I told several girls that I would have them help me run the ceremony the next day. One little girl told me that she was afraid to get up in front of the audience and she asked me if I'm ever scared when I'm in front of everyone leading the camp. I told her that I use to be very afraid to talk in front of audiences but that I just kept trying until my fear went away. I told her that I refused to let fear win. A little while later, she came up to me and said that she decided to get in front of everyone and that she'd just pretend that she was in front of one person instead of an audience. She didn't give into her fears, she came up with a way around them. She had a smile on her face and she was looking forward to next day instead of dreading it. I know that her test seems small but every small test gives you strength to have the courage when bigger tests come your way. Love is the biggest test of fear versus courage. So many people justify their fear based, bad behaviors as a means to protect themselves. People site excuses like...."I've been hurt before, I can't trust anyone and It's not worth it." Once again,  excuses are just false beliefs....pure illusion. In fact, I've seen all too often, people lashing out and hurting others because they believe..."I'll hurt them before they hurt me." Courage is the opposite...it operates from honoring one's heart and taking risks. It never seeks to hurt others as it's goal. Yes, courage sometimes requires protecting oneself with boundaries but with love. Much like warriors past would head into battle to protect their tribes or to slay a bear for it's meat and fur...they would do so with the greatest respect. Courage also means taking the road less traveled and being willing to walk the path that is in direct alignment with one's highest good. You always know when you are not being courageous and when you are not following your heart. Usually you will feel terrible, have ruminating thoughts, have difficulty sleeping, feel irritated and seek to blame others. That's just to name a few. Right now, I have the courage to ask myself difficult questions, face my lessons head on, walk by faith every day and to follow my heart completely, even if that scares me sometimes. Are you going to let fear dictate your life or live courageously? Courage gives you wings and if you allow it in your life, you always win. "Fear has its use but cowardice has none"...(Mahatma Gandhi).

Love

I recently read a beautiful parable about a King and his three sons. In trying to decide which of his three sons should be his heir, he decided to test them. He gave each son a sack of seeds and told them that he was going to be gone for several years on a journey. The son who cared best for the seeds would be his heir. One son locked the seeds away, the other son sold them with the intention of buying new ones when his father returned and the third son threw all of the seeds into a garden and cared for the plants and flowers as they grew. When the father returned, the one son who had locked the seeds away, gave him a bag of dead seeds. The King was disappointed. The second son gave the father the new seeds he had purchased. Although this son did better than the first, the father was still not pleased. The third son took his father out to the garden and showed his father the beautiful, flourishing garden....of which the son said that he would soon collect the new seeds from the flowers to give back to his father. The King was very happy that this son knew how to care for the seeds, so this son became his heir. The moral of the story is this: "The seed is never in danger, remember. What danger can there be for the seed? It is absolutely protected. But the plant is always in danger, the plant is very soft. The seed is like a stone, hard, hidden behind a hard crust. But the plant has to pass through a thousand and one hazards. And not all plants are going to attain to that height where they can bloom into flowers, a thousand and one flowers....Very few human beings attain to the second stage, and very few of those who attain the second stage attain the third, the stage of the flower. Why can't they attain the third stage, the stage of the flower? Because of greed, because of miserliness, they are not ready to share...because of a state of unlovingness. Courage is needed to become a plant, and love is needed to become a flower. A flower means the tree is opening up its heart, releasing its perfume, giving its soul, pouring its being into existence. Don't remain a seed. Gather courage--courage to drop the ego, courage to drop the securities, courage to drop the safeties, courage to be vulnerable"....(Osho).  

Cherokee Ritual

Someone recently sent me this passage via e-mail and it is such a beautiful reminder about walking by faith, especially when we are scared and unsure. It is through the darkness that we learn to trust. Guidance is always at hand and all we need to do is follow our hearts and to have faith that we are always being guided for our highest and greatest good.

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian

youth's rite of passage?

His

father takes him into the forest, blindfolds

him and leaves him alone.
He is required to sit on a stump the whole night

and not remove the blindfold until the rays

of the morning sun shine through it.
He cannot cry out for help to anyone.

Once he

survives the night, he is a MAN.

He cannot tell the other boys of this

experience, because each lad must come into

manhood on his own.

The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all

kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be

all around him. Maybe even some human might

do him harm. The wind blew the grass and

earth, and shook his stump, but he

sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be

the only way he could become a man!

Finally, after a horrific night

the sun appeared and he removed

his blindfold.

It was then that he

discovered his father sitting on the stump

next to him.

He had been at watch the entire night,

protecting his son from harm.




We, too, are never alone.
Even when we don't know
it, God and the guides are watching over us,
Sitting on the stump beside us.

When trouble comes, all we have to do is

reach out. 

Moral of the story: 

Just because you can't see God,
Doesn't mean He is not there.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight."