Seize The Day

The energy that motivates us into action can often be building for quite some time. At some particular moment however, the energy shifts into high gear and we have an opportunity to seize the moment and act. Carpe Diem is a statement made famous from the movie, The Dead Poet's Society. It is translated from Latin as 'seize the day'. It is a profound statement of declaring the moment as the only one that counts and it's about taking a leap of faith. We only have one life to live, so what do we have to lose by seizing the moment? At Starbuck's one morning, many years ago, I'll never forget a guy walking in wearing shorts and we are in the middle of a blizzard! Guess he decided to seize the moment and behave as if it was 70 degrees out. Our reality is whatever we make it! I am trying to teach my kids about being in the moment and taking chances. Life can be pretty boring if you spend it playing it safe. People live in fear, fretting about the what if's. Most people ruminate over the what if they fail, look stupid, lose money, etc. What if you never take a chance however? What if you regret having played it safe? Here are some fun quotes about Carpe Diem. "Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think"....(Chinese Proverb). "Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right"...(H.H. "Breaker" Morant). "Go for it now. The future is promised to no one"...(Wayne Dyer). "Every man dies. Not every man really lives"....(Braveheart). "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive"...(Elbert Hubbard). "As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do"...(Zachary Scott). What moments have you had in your life when you really seized the moment? What are your dreams, the ones that make you want to seize the moment? Would you seize the moment or talk yourself out of it? Just some important questions to ask yourself. What if you never try something new, take a risk, tell someone you love them, or forgive someone? Carpe Diem...seize the moment and make it happen. Trust life, trust your gut and follow your heart and leap into the unknown. We all know stories of people who play it safe. How many of our parents, friends and family do we all have that live life in a very predictable way, never taking chances. Many people talk themselves out of their dreams, their intuition and their heartfelt desires. They tell themselves that "It's crazy, it can never happen, or it would never work." Let the universe work out the logistics....if you think it, feel it then dream it, the universe will conspire to make it happen. Honor yourself to take the leap to seize the day. Life is full of opportunity, believe in yourself and the rest will work itself out. So "Carpe Diem" I say loudly as we soon head into the new year. Make 2015 the best year ever by finally being true to yourself in every way possible! "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever"....(Mahatma Gandhi).

Blank Canvas

 

    I tend to have a vivid dream life. In one dream, I was painting an ocean scene. I was painting the scene over and over, trying to take in different perspectives. At one point, I sat in front of the blank canvas, keenly aware that I had the power to create any scene I wanted. The message I gleamed from the dream was that personal insight is much like taking out a paint brush and starting with a blank canvas, painting a picture of your life. Often people just live their lives, never looking closely at themselves or the scenery around them, rarely looking deeper into what they are seeing and living. When you are painting or drawing, you must observe every detail more carefully. You see colors, characteristics, shadows and contours that you rarely see when you glance quickly at something or someone. When you sharpen your perception to take in more details, you see so much more. When you stop living in a blur and look more closely at yourself, you start seeing your life in a different light. The other observation is that the more you are willing to look at yourself, the more clearly, you can see others. Several clients reminded me of this dynamic recently. As their awareness and insight had expanded, their insight into their spouses and family members had become more finely tuned. One client asked, "How is that I could have lived with someone for so many years and knew that there were some concerns, yet somehow denied how bad it really was?" That is easy to answer. It is like taking the canvas of your life and smudging the scene until you can barely make out what the scene looks like. This kind of denial resembles finger painting. Other people paint highly distorted scenes altogether of their lives, portraying a fantasy rather than painting reality. This would be a painting of a beautiful castle, meanwhile the occupants inside the castle are held captive under evil rule. This would be the families taunting pictures of their perfect life everywhere, while the husband is cheating and the mom is drinking excessively. This denial would resemble fantasy art. Of course, everyone denies reality at some time in their lives. When you are ready to break the denial, you see the scenery with more clarity and your painting becomes more detailed and honest.
     People also have their own unique perspectives, thus everyone lives in different realities. Take 20 people and sit them on a beach with a canvas and acrylic paints. Each and every painting might resemble each other, yet would be completely different. Their focus and details would vary significantly. That is absolutely true in a relationship. Two people can have absolutely opposing perspectives on the same relationship. Here is an example of opposing views in a relationship. A client said that his wife is so angry that he wants a divorce and just wants to blame him and retaliate. The angry spouse lives in his own reality. In his painting, he only sees himself. He does not see how his behavior affected the marriage and does not want to see how tense the relationship had been for years. In his painting, the details reflect his reality, no matter how many times other perspectives tried to tell him otherwise. So many people live in this type of denial. Also, if people have narcissistic wounds from childhood, they really deny how their behavior affects their relationships in any way. They often become vengeful, spreading lies about the spouse who dares to leave the relationship. They have to justify their rage....so they blame. The angry person begins recruiting anybody who will listen which only reinforces their distorted reality. They show their painting around town, telling everyone how the title wave came out of the blue and how the "other" who caused the wave is awful. This is why the more insightful you can be about your feelings and your own behavior, the more vivid and clear your paintings can become.
     The last insight I took from the dream is that we all have the amazing power to change our paintings and our lives. If indeed we are the creators of our reality, then we have the power to change our reality. How do we change it? First, we set out to discover what we have been painting since it's imperative to acknowledge the version of reality we keep recreating. Then, we set ourselves free by allowing a new scene to appear, one we are longing to create and live. By creating the new picture in your mind, you create a new reality, even if the reality has not yet been created in real time. I always hold pictures in my mind of what my life will look like in one year, two years, etc. Once I hold that image in my head, my choices and intuition head me in that direction. One year later, I look around and enjoy the fact that the scene I had imagined had become reality. I also enjoy the surprises, the things in my life that are even better than what I had imagined. I also accept that sometimes I couldn't account for lessons I still needed to learn, which explains the things that have not yet manifested from my vision. We also have to account for other people's lives to affect ours. These are the varied colors that come from blending. Embrace that others are creating their paintings as well and do not discount their reality because it does not fit with the image you held of what your life would look like. A parent that does not want to accept that his son is gay, is holding onto a fantasy painting of reality, versus embracing the beauty that comes from allowing others the freedom to live their lives authentically. We all have blind spots that are lessons yet to be learned and experiences meant to guide us. The beauty of life is that we can all start again with a blank canvas and recreate our lives and concurrently our paintings. Life is an ever changing experience and with a stroke of the brush and a keen eye for seeing things in life we never noticed before, we can paint our lives in a new direction. "A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience"...(Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.).

Holiday's

Christmas is such a magical time. It seems to bring about an attitude of joy, festivities and celebration. Aside from the shopping and the busy stores, we all get a little nicer, kinder and sentimental during this month. The festivities bring family and friends together and the parties bring joy and laughter. At my kids schools, the excitement is in the air as they have their holiday plays, parties and make crafty gifts to bring home. The month sure flies by with all of the busyness, but there is nothing like the beautiful holiday decorations, holiday music and kindness in the air. I just watched "The Grinch" and I love the end, when he realizes that Christmas does not come from a store wrapped in a box, bag or bow, "perhaps Christmas means a little bit more." Here are some inspiring quotes about Christmas. "Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful"...(Norman Vincent Peale). "Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind"...(Mary Ellen Chase). "I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys"...(Charles Dickens). As I listen to Tony Bennett's Christmas CD and watch the snow fall outside, my heart warms with the Christmas spirit. The spirit of the the birth of Christ is a sentiment that is inspiring as well, regardless of religious affiliation or beliefs. The lessons teaching of service and humility, forgiveness, faith, turning the other cheek, and love for humanity. This is a time of year when we all are more open to kindness, charity, and reaching out to loved ones. Of course since I am idealistic, it sure would be nice if everyone could carry a bit more holiday cheer throughout the year and not only in December. Here is my holiday wish for each and every day, 365 days a year. I wish for hearts to heal and be open to forgiveness and compassion. I wish to celebrate each and every day as if it is Christmas morning, filled with the joy of waking up and the faith that there is magic happening all around us. Lastly, I wish for hope and love to light our hearts with the sentiment of Christmas throughout the year. Have a very Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Holidays!

A Voice

Cultural and ethnic prejudice is an enormous concern in our society, as is gender bias. Being a female, I know all too well the challenges women face in this day and age. Even though women have made tremendous strides in equality, we are far from being treated fairly. Women still earn fewer wages per hour than their male counterparts. Women face violence and abuse at the hands of the men who say they love them. Women are labeled as bossy and controlling for displaying leadership characteristics, yet men are often praised for the same behaviors. Why is it that our statistics paint a picture that 1 in 3 women in our society will be victims of abuse or sexually assaulted, often from the men they know? How is this okay? Men and women need to address this together to make changes. My family was affected profoundly by gender bias. My mother had become pregnant with my older sister while still in high school. My parents decided to marry since the family pressured them to legitimize their relationship. My father was allowed to finish high school, but my mother was not. The rules in the school system in rural Indiana at the time, strictly prohibited pregnant women from attending high school. There were no programs at the time to educate pregnant teens. Being uneducated put my mom at a severe disadvantage that has always plagued her. Without a high school education and a young mother, her job prospects were limited. When my father left her several years later, when she was pregnant with me, she was left no other choice except to turn to the welfare system. She eventually went to work as a bookkeeper, but the wages she earned were never enough to support three children. Knowing how this affected my mom, created a profound awareness of the value of an education. Becoming college educated became an important goal for me, even though I had no female role models to lead me in that direction. I pushed myself and found role models in teachers, friends, Girl Scout leaders and from counselors. My experiences have shown me that we can all make a difference to help someone reach their goals.  
       Barriers come in all forms, which is why ethnic, culture, gender and poverty are important issues that I address when creating programs for teenagers and children in my community. How does this affect you? We are all affected by the experiences in our lives. Every one of us has a choice: to use our pain to motivate us to create change for ourselves and others; or to allow the pain to turn into bitterness and blame. I'm not saying everyone has to help others, but in helping yourself, you inspire others that change is possible. Coming from a childhood of neglect and poverty, led me to become passionate to help others aspire to break barriers of bias and fear. I have pursued an education, against all odds. Growing up female, poor, and without a father, set the odds against me. Being sexually assaulted during my freshman year in college, made things even harder for me. In addition, I often had to work many hours at three jobs as an undergraduate to pay tuition and expenses. There were quarters that I had to drop out, due to stress and financial hardship. Through insight, awareness, and education, my self esteem slowly but steadily improved. Eventually, I pushed further to attain two graduate degrees. Were there times that I felt hopeless, depressed and overwhelmed? Absolutely! I had many hardships, but they never held me back, they just slowed me down a bit. I made some terrible choices when I was in pain, but I learned from those experiences. Also, some of the barriers I faced, only pushed me harder to succeed. My mission is to inspire others to push through barriers that others have placed in front of them. Through empowerment brings a voice and with a voice brings the desire to create change.

Don't Lose Yourself

"I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly"..(Buckminster Fuller). Why do so many people give up essential parts of themselves for the sake of relationships? Shouldn't a healthy relationship encourage both people to be who they are completely? The problem is that so many of us watch parents give up who they are and society says, "it's time to grow up," so parts of yourself begin to fade away. We should ideally encourage children to be who they are and to honor their interests. We should do the same for ourselves. I know that I was guilty of sacrificing parts of myself for my marriage and the kids. I felt this internal pressure to take care of everyone and I slowly let important things in my life drift away. During the years of having children, I gave up hiking and several other interests. I rationalized that I did not have time for those things, but I got to a point that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was trying to be the mom and wife I was expected to be but lost parts of Denise in the process. During the past several years I essentially vowed to get back to me. I had to begin to trust being me and however that shifted the relationships around me, so be it. I learned considerably during the years of sacrifice. How can you discover who you really are, without losing your way for awhile. Clarity often comes from crisis. I began to see clearly how I couldn't sacrifice myself anymore because the price was just too high. My role with my children shifted positively. They began to see me happier and taking better care of myself. I feel like a healthier role model, showing them that adults don't have to be miserable, lose who they are or go through the motions. What do children have to look forward to if they see adults cranky, edgy and unhappy. No wonder so many teens spin out of control. They often start responding by feeling lost and not respecting the adults around them, who lecture them but don't seem happy themselves. Wouldn't you want to rebel too if there was nothing to look forward to? I've counseled several women this week who listed off things they gave up for their families. One woman gave up going to the gym, because her husband seemed cranky every time she went to leave. Another gave up her hobbies, because her husband gave her a hard time. Another mom suffers from the "guilty mom" syndrome. She gave up time with her friends, believing that she was being selfish if she spent any time away from her kids. One husband gave up cycling, because his wife believed he should. I am not saying that there should never be some compromises, but relationships should encourage each person to feel whole and to honor cherished activities, interests and hobbies. You are not a better spouse for giving up parts of yourself if you end up resentful, feeling empty, angry or numb. You should honor yourself and each other, not make demands on who the other person "should" be. If you don't like who the person is, then the relationship needs to be examined. More importantly, examine how you are feeling, what you are missing and what you need to do to get back to you. The woman who gave up the gym decided to go anyway and ride out her husbands complaining. She even decided to do more hobbies on her own and not cater to her husbands moods so easily anymore. The woman with the "guilty mom" syndrome committed to socializing once a month with friends and realized that she will be a stronger mom if she has an outlet once in awhile. I end up with a lot of clients on the verge of major depression or anxiety, often due to the fact that they feel lost and no longer know who they are, due to numerous sacrifices. The lesson....get back to you. How much have you sacrificed for others? Honor how you feel and begin talking through and negotiating time to get back to the things you love. If there is respect in the relationship, the other person will support your growth. Be in harmony with yourself and trust the process of life to help show you what needs to be addressed in your life and never let go of what you love. "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you"...(Ralph Waldo Emerson).

We All Make A Difference

There is one movie that I would wait to watch every December as a child, "It's a Wonderful Life." I remember watching it, so mesmerized by the story of a man who thinks that everyone would be better off if he had never been born. As a child, the movie gave me hope about the value of each and every life. The character was shown how he had made a huge impact on those around him and if he had not been born, many lives around him would have been altered drastically. The movie affected me profoundly because I struggled with the issue of my existence as a child. I often wondered why I was born at all and for what reason. I would think to myself, what value do I add to this earth? Yes, pretty philosophical for a child, but when the adults around you don't let you know how valuable you are, you begin to question such things. All I knew was that the adults around me did not seem overjoyed about being parents, my dad was gone and my mom disappeared in her own way, emotionally. So this Frank Capra movie gave me hope! It must be true, I would think to myself, that I am here for a reason, even if those reasons were not clear to me at the time. I just trusted that like the character in the movie, my role here would eventually reveal itself. It is so amazing how a movie can be a guiding light for a child, but it was. Proof right there that Frank Capra and everyone involved in making that film, affected someones life, mine. Each soul makes an impact and leaves an imprint, forever shifting and changing everyone they touch. Now as a therapist, my role is to help each person see value in themselves and in their lives. Many people feel hopeless, like the character in the movie. Sometimes, it is hard to fee the forrest through the trees, when you are overwhelmed by fear and doubt. That is why, like the angel in the movie, we can all make a difference in helping someone feel valued and appreciated. I try to help people find their way and to realize that they too are here for a reason. If I can help anyone see the value in their lives, then I have served a purpose. The movie also speaks to the issue of hope, faith and love....in the midst of pain and fear. The end of the movie is so inspiring, when he finally realizes that nothing really matters except love and that he wants to live. When he is surrounded by all of the people his life has touched, he smiles in acknowledgement that his life meant so much more than money, prestige and power. He is grateful in the end for just being alive and knowing that he truly has a wonderful life. That has been my journey too, to find my purpose, to know that I am here for a reason and that I have impacted people's lives for the better. I've come a long way from the lost little girl confused about her existence. I can say with all my heart now, that I have a wonderful life and I am deeply grateful to be here. If you happen to catch "It's a Wonderful Life" this holiday season, I hope it inspires you to ponder as well, how important your life is too. "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? [Inscribed in a copy of Tom Sawyer] "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence"...(It's a Wonderful Life).

Abundance

The difficulty with kids today is helping them value what they have and to teach them to not buy into the whole "more is better" philosophy. It is a challenge that many parents face today. I'm not the only parent noticing this disposable attitude with children today, in fact adults are also caught up in thinking that more is better. Of course children are surrounded by peers and commercials pushing the latest game system, iPods, toys, movies and more. I hate sounding like my own mother but I was so happy to get the few presents I received growing up. My parent's generation received even less. Ask may grandparents today and they will tell you that their gifts were often something practical, like a pair of shoes. Now during the holiday's, home are filled with piles of gifts. Children make their long lists and they feel entitled to get all of it. What are parents to do, to compete with this expectation? When I was a child, we did not have the technology or sheer choices children have today. It amazes me how my kids can navigate the computer and my iPhone better than I can. I usually try to give my kids some kind of day trip or outing as a part of their presents. I'd rather spend time with them having fun then give them piles of toys and games that will end up under their beds or piled in a corner by the end of January. Don't get me wrong, I still give them some of that junk too, but I try to limit it. It's kinda like fighting a losing battle, but we gotta still try. I also have them bag up some of their old toys every December to donate to Goodwill and the local residential center for children. Last Christmas, I forgot to do that but we went through their stuff in the summer instead. In this season of giving, I'd like my children to learn the value of helping others. I would like my children to learn the true meaning of abundance as well and to appreciate everything they have in their lives. Here are some inspiring quotes about abundance. "You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might also pray in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance"-(Kahlil Gibran). "Your most precious, valued possessions and your greatest powers are invisible and intangible. No one can take them. You, and you alone, can give them. You will receive abundance for your giving"-(W. Clement Stone). "To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance"-(Buddha). So during this holiday season of frantic shopping, socializing and celebrating, we must also remember to feel gratitude and to not lose sight of the true holiday spirit.....sharing our love, our time, our compassion. So pull out your favorite holiday movie, make some popcorn and sit back and enjoy the season....and as I say to my kids, it's not all about the stuff. "Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love"...(Hamilton Wright Mabi).

The Energy of Hope

"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love"...(Stendhal). One of my clients noticed on my profile that one of my favorite movies is "The Notebook," so I received a text informing me that it was on this weekend. I am a hopeless romantic I guess. I have always loved movies based on true love. One of the first movies I remember watching about love was a Christopher Reeves movie called "Somewhere in Time." The stories are all similar in that a true heart connection exists between souls and the test is whether they follow their hearts or let their fears, society or numerous other pressures get in the way. The other similarity is that hope is always involved. You cannot have love without a spark of hope guiding the way. As with any love in life, whether it be toward another person, a cherished dream, a career or a personal goal, hope lights the horizon and makes the impossible seem possible. In "The Notebook," the main character Noah almost gives up hope but never stops loving her and with that, his hope never fades completely. A client recently told me a story of a child who had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Even with the worse prognosis, the family, friends and community, joined together and gave hope to this child. The child knew that he was going to die, but hope and ultimately love united them all. Hope is a like a prayer, igniting one's truest desires and keeping them alive. What would we have if there was never hope.....despair? "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing"....(author unknown). Hope is always worth the risk, because nothing risked is nothing gained, as the saying goes. People often sit back and take the easy way out, hoping for nothing and risking nothing. The price they pay? Feeling their heart connection. People numb themselves and build barricades of defenses to hide behind. We all know people like that and may all be guilty of it at some time in our lives. Again, the price paid is pain anyway. You either risk pain or feel pain through detachment. Pain can never be avoided but hope offers opportunity and a chance for getting what you want. The journey of hope starts with a reconnection to your heart. The heart knows the way and the mind needs to step aside. The mind is often the barrier, negotiating and warning the heart that it might get hurt. The rationalization is the defense preventing the heart from leading the way. People often close up their hearts after they've been hurt. The heart need to heal, but closing it off and never taking another risk in loving is futile and the only one that ultimately hurts is you. So take a risk, trust your heart and allow hope to blossom. "The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"...(Allan K. Chalmers).

Undeclared

"The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows"....(Buddha). I was speaking with a college aged client recently and was reminded of the pressure to declare a major in college. I was undeclared and undecided as long as I could be, then finally settled on Liberal Arts. It was the quickest way to get out of college at that point and blended two of my favorite interests, psychology and art. I remember feeling somehow not serious enough when everybody had their majors picked out by sophomore year. Well as time went on, many of those people changed their majors or graduated and went into a line of work completely unrelated from their degree. I know people in their 30's and 40's, and older still majoring in "undeclared" in life. Undecided means you are open to finding a new path and new opportunities. It is pretty daunting to try to figure out what you want to do with your entire life at the age of 21 or so. You are just discovering who you are in your 20's, so your major is really minor, while getting to know who you are is your major. Okay, some people come out of the womb focused on what they want to be when they grow up, but that is far from the norm and they are the exception to the rule. The focus in life should not be the pressure to fulfill some societal rule but to find your calling in life. I am watching many clients at various ages, now going through many changes from marriages falling apart, job losses and every other kind of loss imaginable. People just can't escape who they are, what they created and what they have avoided in their lives. The "going through the motions" kind of life is no longer cutting it. Like my college aged client relating to me the pressure she feels to "have it all figured out," so many others followed the same path. When you are suppose to have it all together, you may be doing it out of expectations rather than truly finding your own way, even when that means your own way appears as if you're lost for awhile. Being lost is not as horrible as it sounds.....it just means you are not pretending to know what you want and are brave enough to not cling to the illusion of security. My advice to that college student, "don't panic, you'll figure it out and don't rush into any decisions to please others." No matter what age you are, it is never too late to figure out who you are and to "major" in yourself. It's not about pleasing parents, spouses, bosses, children and so on. First make peace with yourself, otherwise you end up giving away pieces of who you are with each compromise you make. I know all too well. Over the last 19 years (and perhaps my entire life), I slowly gave away a piece of who I was to please others and several months ago, decided to take it back. It was a lesson born out of years of introspection. I am no longer willing to sacrifice who I am for anybody anymore. I majored in me....and finally figured out who I am. I counsel people all the time that tell me similar stories, saying things like "I lost who I was" or "I let important parts of myself go to make a relationship or career function." The price is just too high. "Only those who truly love and who are truly strong can sustain their lives as a dream. You dwell in your own enchantment. Life throws stones at you, but your love and your dream change those stones into the flowers of discovery. Even if you lose, or are defeated by things, your triumph will always be exemplary. And if no one knows it, then there are places that do. People like you enrich the dreams of the worlds, and it is dreams that create history. People like you are unknowing transformers of things, protected by your own fairy-tale, by love"...(Ben Okri). Create the life you have always dreamed of and finally declare your major.......you!

Fun in DysFUNction

Now that it is holiday time, I have been reminded that shopping for greeting cards can be painfully difficult. The reason? Greeting cards are often very sappy, sentimental and way over the top or sarcastic and goofy. There seems to be no in between. You end up pouring over absolutely every card and none of them say what you are really feeling. In fact, the cards are kinda depressing because you wonder, are there really families out there that feel this way or are treated this way? When I was younger, I would think my family was the only dysfunctional one out there, because all of the sentimental cards portray the most amazing, nurturing relationships. In fact, that is the point. The cards can be so outrageous in the sentiment, that nobody actually feels that way. What is portrayed in those types of cards is just not real and does not accurately portray how people really feel. My view may be a bit jaded because as a therapist I get to hear first hand the incredible dysfunction happening in many families but if you watch a little reality TV, the news or Dr. Phil, you will see that there is a lot of dysfunction going on out there! The other problem is that people often feel less than loved if they do not receive one of those sappy cards for Valentine's Day, Birthday's etc, and often feel obligated to give them as well. Come on people, a card from Hallmark is not the issue. If not receiving one signifies you are not loved, perhaps there are deeper issues to uncover. People are just continuing to cover up how they are really feeling or buying into store bought versions of reality. I love it when my kids make their own cards for me chock full of misspelled words, sloppy writing and a colorful drawing from them. At least I know that what they write and draw is from the heart. I also buy simple, generic cards which seems better than the ridiculous offerings at the greeting card isles. Most are filled with amazing words of thanks and gratitude for family members either in denial or incredibly needy. I have had clients tell me that they are tortured with the same problem. Some parents of clients have complained that their kids don't appreciate them if the card they receive is not sappy enough! Talk about a guilt trip! I hate the idea of spending $3-$5 dollars for a piece of paper often filled with things you don't mean. I'd prefer sincerity. Yes the generic card may be simple, but at least the words I write, I really mean. Cards for parents say stuff like, "You have always been the light of my life, the jewel that shines, the oar to my boat and always there for me." Or how about this,"You have been by my side every step of the way without ever asking for anything." Hmmm, what if that is just not the case. What if what you'd really like to say is, "I Know you were never there for me...but I love you anyway." Now that's honesty! How about a card saying, "To my Dad and Step-mom" or vice versa, or how about to my mom and mom/dad and dad since there are many same sex parents out there too. Given that many families are blended and by no means traditional, why not offer cards for that huge segment of the population. To be honest, many people have strained relationships with loved ones. You'd still like to get them a card so how about a card saying, "I know we have drifted apart over the years and for what, I'm not even sure, but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you - Happy Holiday's." How about, "Our family is less than perfect, but who is, so thanks for doing the best that you could....Happy Mother's Day." A Zen approach would be this, "Everything happens for a reason and I've grown tremendously through all of the dysfunction our family had to offer....thanks for the lessons and Happy Holiday's." What about for strained marriages, anniversary's can be equally torturous trying to find the perfect card. How about instead of "I could not imagine my life without you" in a sappy card, "We were meant to learn from one another and for that, we have grown tremendously....Happy Anniversary." Here is a sample of a card I read at the store today, "Loving wishes from Grandma and Grandpa, There's nothing on earth more precious than children and grandchildren who fill life with love all the year through...with each Christmas, you grow more wonderful and with each year that passes, you're loved more than ever." Well, the grandparents I have come across often feel their grandchildren are too loud, misbehave and struggle even staying in the same house for a weekend without making a negative comment. One client told me her parents hightail it out of town to the Bahamas from Halloween until April and never spend the holidays with her children. Leaving town sure sends a clear message from those grandparents. I think I'd keel over if I ever received that card or I'd laugh. Even the most doting of grandparents might even find the sentiment of that card a bit over the top. Now some of the joke one's are painful too. They often poke fun at genders and roles. Of course the dad ones always have fart jokes and poking fun at men needing the television remote, naps or both. The mom cards poke fun at women running everything in the house and still pokes fun at the expense of men being lazy, stupid or both. To be fair, sometimes a funny card can be good and not be crass or degrading. Almost all of the cards seem to reflect our societies difficulty at being honest and expressing how they really feel. Hey you may still want to write a poem to a loved one, then write one yourself. Unfortunately, that is the only option because all of us are stuck with the endless amounts of sappy or sarcastic cards that the stores can offer. I wish there was a line of dysFUNctional greeting cards that were humorous, yet real. So this Holiday season, I will keep it simple and I will always include a real sentence or two of my own, tacked onto the plainest card I can find. Have fun shopping for your cards this holiday season!

Self Acceptance

"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy"...(Wayne Dyer). Looking back over my life, I can see clearly the patterns of who I am and who I have always been. I struggled accepting myself for many years, but now embrace who I am completely. I know my strengths and I'm well aware of my weaknesses and things about myself I've either accepted or am working on improving. In 3rd grade I ran for class office and my slogan was, "Denise for peace." That was very fitting and still suits me today. I didn't win the election but it taught me that you win some and you lose some. I'm very glad that I had the courage to at least try. During my elementary school years I tutored younger kids in math, which demonstrated that my helping other people skills were present, even at a young age. The math however, quite ironic, since I am always behind on my billing. I was always a loyal friend as early as Kindergarten. I enjoy my friendships and love staying in touch and in contact with friends. That has never changed. What has changed is my ability to set boundaries and let people go who are not in my best interest. The me of not so long ago gave people a million chances. I believed loyalty meant you allow people to treat you badly because the healer in me wanted to see the best in everyone. I was blinded by my loyalty and I allowed people to hurt me further after I saw warning sign after warning sign and I allowed them to stay in my life. That is a direct reflection of what I learned in my childhood, since issues and emotions were never dealt with directly, they were just ignored and brushed under the carpet. I learned to ignore bad behaviors and hope that those behaviors would disappear and that people would change. The stuff I had been ignoring piled up under that carpet until I was tripping over that bump daily and I could no longer ignore it. I had a lot of cleaning to do, dealing with the mess of emotions I had swept away and I had further work, setting boundaries with people in my life. Think of it like guidelines. If you opened your own store, would you just open your doors without business hours, policies, having a business plan? You certainly wouldn't open your store and say do whatever you want in my store, pay whatever you feel like paying and you wouldn't let your employees show up and leave at will. We as people need a set of guidelines to live by. Things we allow and don't allow. Of course some flexibility is key and we can define our boundaries but that doesn't mean you step all over someone else's boundaries either. It should be about respect. I respect others and If others demonstrate a lack of respect for me, I limit their role in my life or I let them go completely. That is how I am different today and now I do let people go. That has been a tough lesson, yet a very healing one for me. Dedication to things I am passionate about was present in my childhood. In high school I was in a team of Mat Warmers, kinda like cheerleaders for the wrestlers and I was voted most dedicated. That still fits me today since I am a very dedicated person to anything and anyone important to me. As a Mat Warmer I helped out in a pinch, never missed a match and took my role quite seriously. By the way, how the heck did they get away however with calling us Mat Warmers? (LOL) A little derogatory wouldn't you say? Why didn't they just call us "cater to the males on the wrestling team, serve them, cheer for them and bring them snack girls." I guess it was early training in taking care of men. I have since learned that my High School did change their names to Wrestlerette's. I was also pretty shy yet outgoing through all of my school years. I know that sounds like an anomaly, but I am shy by nature, yet I learned to push myself to be more social and outgoing. In high school I took everything in and revealed very little. Someone said something interesting to me recently, that nobody knew me in high school. Upon reflection that makes sense. Also some foretelling of my future as a therapist. Become good at observing everyone else and appear to be a blank slate. Now however the shy part has faded and the extroverted part is getting stronger. Obviously the reveal very little has shifted as well, since writing often requires that art imitates life. I have definitely learned to allow myself to be more open and vulnerable versus guarded and shy. I have always loved taking photos. Digital technology certainly has made that hobby so much easier. Interesting to note that I also loved creative writing as early as I could write and I loved art, but was too insecure at the time to explore art further. Yet now, I teach art as a parent volunteer in the elementary school and I paint my own drums. I was also very clever as a child to avoid getting into trouble, which is a very useful skill. I knew how to show the adults what they wanted to see, while my baby sister always got into trouble. I would get back at my sister alright but I was just sly about it. Ahhh sibling rivalry - a payback I am living through with my own children. These days however I have learned that letting go and forgiveness works much better and I do allow myself to outwardly rock the boat when I need to advocate for change. I was a Girl Scout as a girl which was a safe haven and a way to feel a part of something when my home life was anything but stellar. Now as an adult, I get to give back by leading my daughters troop, managing the Girl Scout Service Unit and countless of other roles I have taken on to help kids in the community. I see it as paying it forward. I was also in a club for nature lovers in 6th grade. Again, some foreshadowing going on there since nature is heaven sent to me and I hike frequently to stay grounded. I took a vocational test in High School that indicated that I'd do well as an over educated party planner, event coordinator. I was mildly insulted at the time, since being an event coordinator didn't sound serious enough as a career, yet here I am....an over educated Camp Director and Event Director as a part of my volunteer, side career roles and I absolutely love it. I guess it all comes full circle. Looking back I can also see where I felt very misunderstood, struggled with other peoples judgements and grappled with wanting acceptance. Those were further lessons in self acceptance. It is an important lesson for all, that often you cannot change people's judgements or perceptions because their judgements are mirrors of their own issues. As the saying goes, you cannot please anyone except yourself. Our past mirrors are our lessons and helps us to learn who we are, one reflection at a time. Embrace your gifts, strengths and your temperament as well as the challenges and things to still learn, for it makes us who we are. Self worth is merely a step in self acceptance, so know who you are and affirm your own value. "We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us"...(Virginia Satir).