Be Resilient

I have to admit, I didn't learn the most in life from what went right. I learned the most from what went wrong. Let me explain further. I didn't have a perfect childhood. My father left when I was born, my mom married two more times and I lived in at least 7 different homes/apartments by the time I was 18. I didn't have security but I certainly learned to be resilient! I look back and I can see the variety of ways the difficulties I've faced have been my greatest teacher. One poignant experience was 10 years old. I had wanted so badly to attend Girl Scout camp in previous summers, but my mom could not afford to send me. This particular summer, I was given financial aid to attend one camp session at Camp White's Landing, on Catalina Island. I was just thrilled! My best friend and I were all set to go and as we took the boat over to Catalina, we discussed all the exciting things we'd do at camp for the next week. Once we arrived, we took our sleeping bags and duffel's over to our raised platform tent and checked things out. Sometime over the next 24 hours, my best friend made friends with some "cooler" girls and the next thing I know, she moved her things out of my tent and into theirs. My camp dream of spending the week with my best friend was dashed. The two new girls that I was also bunking with, jumped in to comfort me however, which helped cushion the blow. I focused on my new friends (instead of focusing on being ditched by my best friend) and I set out to have the best week ever, and I did. When I look back, I do recall being ditched. However, I remember more sweetly, the kindness of the two girls that comforted me, the songs we learned, and the activities we did. That one week summer camp stuck with me into adulthood, and is one of the many factors that contributed to me starting my own summer camp. I didn't know I was resilient then, but I was. For some other child, they could have sulked the entire week from being ditched by their friend. Their memories would be different from mine and perhaps, they would never want to send their kids to camp, let alone start a camp, because their earlier experience stuck with them negatively. I am glad that I'm resilient and I can now see the many ways, that has helped me recover from adversity. I also learned from a difficult marriage. My ex has his own perspective of course, but since this is my blog, I get to share mine. My ex wasn't always kind. He was inpatient, had a short fuse and perhaps the word "selfish" would best describe him. I learned so much in the 20 years I spent with him. Let me also add however that he was funny, he would make me laugh, and at times he could be charming. The nicer side is what he showed the world. Unfortunately for the kids and myself, we got the meaner side, more often than not. I learned that in addition to resilience, I had a high tolerance for bad behavior. I also see that I wanted to help my ex, but as the saying goes, you cannot help those who do not want to help themselves! Those things needed to be worked on in myself. Once again, my resilience got me through however, optimistic about love and relationships instead of jaded and angry. This past Valentine's Day, I saw Facebook post after post from angry women, cursing Valentine's Day. Wow! I'll take my resilience any day over being jaded. I understand why people get that way, but hurts do happen and nobody is really immune. I want my children to be secure, yet resilient! I can't protect them from every hurt, nor should I. They need to experience hurts, failures, and mistakes. Those mistakes aren't mistakes at all, but will teach them how to correct their own behaviors and perspectives. Don't get me wrong, I certainly will step in and protect my kids when necessary, but some things need to be experienced. My 9 year old has a huge crush on a girl in school. He asked me last night, after explaining that he said something kinda stupid to his crush, how he could say just the right thing. He was embarrassed about what he said in his nervousness. I explained that it's only through trial and error will the right words come. I told him that at 9, he won't have all the answers in life. He cutely said, "Why Not?"  I told him to just keep trying, and if the words don't feel right after saying them, reassess and try again. Great words of wisdom for us all. Even I have to take my own advise sometimes, since none of us are perfect. Be resilient though. Learn and grow from pain, bounce back from disappointments and always try to find something positive, especially during the darkest times. Resilience certainly helps me daily in life, and the cost of resilience? It's free! Holding onto pain, doubt, and anger? Not free...since you always pay a price for harboring negativity. Live freely, be resilient.

Love Life!

I use to tell myself that I had every reason to love life. I convinced myself that I had it all, but I was lying to myself. I was missing something and I just had to keep pushing that feeling away. To acknowledge that "feeling" would have meant that the facade would crumble. Like many others, I just told myself that all was well and the heck with missing something. That denial lasted awhile until I just couldn't dismiss my feelings anymore. Then I woke up. It was like I had been living life asleep, filled with pressure to conform, dismissing my feelings and playing a role. When I woke up, my feelings became clear and I realized the slumber I had been in for many years. The denial of the past was not about loving life, it was the same story many people tell themselves, "You've got it good...a nice house, kids and career, so suck it up." I forgot the most important part though, to check in with myself and ask, "Hey, how are you doing?" I hadn't been doing well. Like so many people I see around me, I was ignoring my feelings. I see it everywhere. To love life, you have to honor yourself and your feelings. It's pretty difficult to really connect to the love of living if you are disconnected from yourself. Once I woke up, a love that I had suppressed came bubbling forth. I could no longer contain it. I guess you could say that I had been hiding my heart. Now that I listen to my feelings and actually let them teach and guide me, a love for life has emerged. It's also tough to just say, "I love life" when you are not honoring your own life. I've realized that to teach my children how valuable their lives are, I had to honor my own as well. Someone asked my recently, "How can I teach my children to follow their hearts, when I did not follow my heart." You teach through words and example. Wisdom comes through experience, so lessons can be passed down whenever you learn them. My daughter watched "The Princess Diaries 2" recently. I sat with her and discussed the movie afterward. In the film, the princess stands up for herself and decides as she is walking down the isle to get married, to call off the wedding and not marry out of obligation. She was not in love with the prince and thus the fairy tale wedding was a show. My daughter looked at me and said, "Why would anyone marry someone they were not in love with?" That's a great question, but one very rarely asked in society. I watched "The Art of Lying" again as well. The movie makes me laugh, but hits home once more this undercurrent in society to conform to expectations. The main character asks his true love, "What do you really want? Not what's expected, or what your mom wants....what do you really want?" She looks at him puzzled and stumped. It is a question that is tough to answer if you have never lived your life authentically. I know in generations past, many had to work at jobs they hated to support families and marriage was more of a contractual arrangement. I am sure that my grandmother might have said that marriage was not about love and would have made some remark about life being hard. These days however, we are blazing a new trail. We are starting to awaken and wonder, "What are we feeling and what is all of this really about." More information is surfacing that continues to reinforce the importance of our feelings. Not so long ago, even talk therapy had a stigma or only for people with "real" problems. That is just no longer the case. Many high functioning people are heading to therapy because they can no longer live in denial. Even traditional medicine is starting to admit, however slowly, that our emotions affect our health. Feelings can no longer be ignored. It takes a leap of faith to follow your feelings and usually means that someone will get upset with you for it. It's worth the risk, because its better to live your life following your heart then to end up disconnected, disheartened and frustrated for living a life based on what others wanted for you. You have this life to live and the journey of discovering yourself means you can become aware of the joys of living. Loving life means loving yourself and as you awaken, the journey suddenly becomes alive with possibilities. Wake up and start loving life!

Just Jump!

When my first two kids learned to swim, it was the normal process of watching them hover around the stairs of the pool until the age of 5 or so. Then progressively with swim classes, they spread their swimming wings and by six, were swimming independently. With my middle child, she was so stubborn and terrified that I could barely get her to let go of the edge. Once she became more confident however and honed her skills, swimming was a breeze. With my youngest, we decided to take a quicker route. Last summer at age three, he took an infant survival training class and had to show up for a quick ten minute class, every day for three weeks. It was intense. He was starting to realize that water really scared him and he was clinging to the pool stairs like the other two had done. At the first class he was baptised quickly and dropped gently under deep water. With a swift hand, the instructor swooped him up and just as he was gagging, catching his breath and begging her to stop, she released him under water again. This happened a dozen or so times (I stopped counting), and he quickly learned that he could hold his breath under water and that she would save him. When the class was over and he was lying on the towel at the side of the pool, he looked a bit traumatized. I bet he was wondering how his nice mommy could allow this to take place and how his teacher could say that he did a great job, when he cried and screamed the entire time. He was praised nonetheless and offered tattoo stamps to put on his hand. It's kinda funny when I think about it now. I bet he wanted to hurl those stamps into the deep end and say, "You gotta be kidding me, you tried to drown me and all I get is a measly hand stamp!" Not too surprisingly, he did not want me to take him to swim class the next day. He cried and pleaded with me to let him stay home. Nope, we got him to class and once again, he was dropped under water but this time he was made to save himself, by learning to float on his back. He looked incredibly miserable and cried so hard that he swallowed a lot of water and threw up. I'm surprised that another parent did not call the police on us. The teacher was calm as can be, gently praising every move. I sat smiling, cheering him on the whole time, hiding my shock and praying that this would make him stronger. Again, he was offered tattoo stamps for his hands and he grabbed those stamps like they were the best toy at the store. He gripped them for dear life and stamped several times on each hand, knowing full well that he had earned those gosh darned tattoo stamps! Day three and he pretended that he was sick. He tried so hard to convince me that he was really too sick to go to class. He couldn't fool me and once again he was tortured by his teacher, and made to go under, float on his back and this time kick under water to find the edge of the pool. Once he got himself to the side, he kept trying to get out of the pool (who could blame him), but she'd gently pull him back in. On day four, he knew that begging did not work so this time he just ran into the back yard and hid. We found him and the torture continued. On day five however, the crying stopped and he was absolutely swimming. It was amazing to see in five days, a kid that was terrified of going under water was now floating on his back, swimming to the side and going under water without panicking. Yes, it was basically the gentle and guided approach to the saying, sink or swim. He learned quickly from me and the instructor, that we believed in him. If we had stopped the class, due to his crying, we would have been teaching him that fear wins. The next several weeks, he went in and out of protesting occasionally, but his skills got stronger and the crying faded away. By the end of the third week, he was dropped into the water with a full snow suit on and he floated on his back with ease and got himself to the edge on his own. When we traveled last summer, we got to see his new skills in action. At the pools we visited, he jumped into the pools endlessly, since he had the confidence to swim to the side. He must have jumped in thousands of times last summer. His eyes were frequently so bloodshot that they looked red instead of blue, from swimming so much. He would be beaming with pride when he saw that he could keep up with the older kids. He was no longer the little guy on the stairs. You could see it in his eyes, that he felt like a big kid too. Now at age four and eight months later, he competes with his siblings to see who can hold their breath under water the longest. Sometimes he wins. At the hotel pool yesterday, he walked right up to the edge of the deep end and jumped right in. He has learned a lesson that will stick with him throughout life....that he can do anything. What a great lesson, that something that may terrify us at first can be our greatest teacher. Once my son overcame his fear, something replaced it....confidence. Something that terrifies us is meant to be conquered, not run from. A new challenge might just appear as scary as jumping into Niagara Falls, but that's how any new endeavor looks. Sometimes people retreat in fear and become afraid of risks, challenges and anything new, because they assume they'll drown or never survive. That's just fear talking. Instead, let fear guide you to take the plunge too and to keep going until you are no longer afraid. The hand stamp tattoo is symbolic for your reward, something that you receive after each challenge and is tattooed within....."I did it."

Celebrating the Present

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly"....(Buddha). What does it mean to honestly live in the present? Well, it kinda looks like and feels like those moments that you are immersed in a doing an activity that you love or that's consuming. Before you realize it, the day has flown by and you had no concept of time. That's being in the moment. Being present in the present, is like the best gift ever that you gift yourself. You are completely wrapped in the present, not thinking about the next present or the past present but instead, completely intrigued and living in the now. Sometimes, you may enjoy the present moment, while other times, you are just getting through it. Living in the moment doesn't mean that you don't reflect about the past or plan your future however. Reflection on the past is often necessary to heal things unfinished and to take stock on how your past can help you navigate your present. Pondering the future means setting goals and envisioning where you want to be but then you live in the moment keenly aware that the decisions you make now will help you attain your future goals. Those who do not live in the present, spend substantially more time ruminating over the past, regretting what they lost or wishing they still lived in the past. People who live in the future always fear the worse, become anxious about where they are heading or they daydream endlessly about their futures. Being in the now takes discipline and awareness. Being conscious as to where your mind drifts to is important. Being connected is the key word here, because being connected means you are able to remain present and aware as to what is working and not working in your life. If you are not living in the moment, then you might be sleepwalking through your life, avoiding taking responsibility for where you are and where you are heading. We all know people who are not present. It's easy to spot because they often are not able to even carry on a conversation without seeming like they are distracted, tuned out or onto the next thought without listening to where the conversation is. Other signs are when the person s always fretting about their future. No matter how many conversations you've had with them, they are always spinning about what's ahead, with zero awareness that that current relationships are a mess. We also know those who live in the past. They cannot get over losses, they tend to be angry and they may have nostalgia over the way things were. There are countless ways to avoid living mindfully in the present but the bottom line is that the more you avoid the present, the more you are not living a connected life. Give yourself the gift of the moment. Wrap the present moment in a package with beautiful wrapping and a bow,  then unwrap it slowly and bask in everything the moment allows and offers. Live the tears, the loss, the love and the joy. Enjoy the endless wrapped gifts that lie ahead, one for every moment in time. Like the best birthday wish ever, when the presents are lined up and seem to be infinite. Living in the present is truly like unwrapping one gift, moment by moment, never knowing exactly what each present will bring. There will be some re-gifting (where the moment seems to be something you've been through before),  some baffling presents, and many wonderful surprises that you never expected. Happy present moment! Enjoy the gifts that life gives you when you are paying attention. They are the treasures of living a connected life.

Being Open

Love is an amazing feeling and comes from the very depths of our souls. When you feel love, you experience a reaction to it. When the reaction is open and loving it feels amazing, but when the reaction is guarded it suppresses love and that is not part of the gift, it is part of a distortion. You see....the saying, love can set you free is true, but you have to sort out all of the distortions first. What are those distortions? Well, those distortions are lies and defenses we have been told or decided for ourselves about love, like "love hurts." We have all been told lies since childhood about love that were wrong and based on other people's fears and distortions. Love is such a freeing emotion, but when your mind perceives it as a threat, then your mind has judged love. When you lack trust in love, have doubts or fear vulnerability, then the mind creates all types of defenses. The truth is that love is effortless and is the most joyful emotion. It is actually really easy to love someone. The fears from the mind twist things however and tell you to retreat because of old wounds. Love is not the problem, the fear of pain is. The mind builds barricades to protect, but those barricades cause more suffering. The mind actually causes the pain in it's interpretation of love. When you are free and enjoy the gift of loving yourself and eventually others, there is no more suffering. Love can teach you what your fears are. Do your wounds keep you in a cave, preventing you from sharing your love with others? If you offer love to someone and they do not give it back immediately, where does your mind go? Do you withdraw and question, "what have you done for me lately?" Do you get angry and blame, or hide and decide it is not worth the risk? Does your mind respond with, "They must not love me, because they are not giving me what I want." Those are just wounds reacting. When you love yourself, you offer love as a gift and expect nothing in return. Let your wounds teach you about your distortions. The journey is to understand your own lies about love, getting in the way of the greatest gift in life. When you love others freely, you feel honest and authentic in your emotions instead of hiding behind defenses. Remember however that others are walking around with their fears and lies about love. When you send love, their alarms may be firing off tons of warnings, based on their misperceptions and pain. People get into power struggles with themselves over love and then with everyone else. First individuals struggle with loving themselves. I keep addressing this issue over and over because it is so important. When you do not love yourself, you tell yourself many lies about how you are not worthy to receive love, or that love means pain and sacrifice. None of that is true. If you are suffering, it is because you are not loving yourself and perhaps staying in situations which reflect that. The suffering is authentic too and is trying to wake you up. Next, loving others is the over pouring of loving yourself. Change your view of love back to the beauty that it deserves. You know when you love....it is a feeling that never lies. You may lie to yourself about love, but love can never disappear. Stop suppressing, denying, distorting and fearing the power of love. It truly can transform your life, as I have discovered. Instead of requesting a box of candy for Valentine's Day, give yourself the permission to love and you too will see .....that love is the start, the step forward, the beginning of everything.

Sacred Relationships

Years ago, I  read the book Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. It is a very insightful story about sex, love, relationships and finding yourself. Who doesn't like a good story with very sexual content. Look at the enormous popularity of "Fifty Shades of Gray!" Clearly, women think about sex too! During this month of St. Valentine's Day it seems appropriate to address issues relating to sex. I have counseled many individuals and couples and sex is a very common issue. How can you discuss relationships without addressing sex. Sex is like whipping up a batch of cookie dough, using the standard ingredients such as flour, sugar and eggs. Kinda plain and simple, but temporarily satisfies the sweet tooth. Sacred sex however should be like making gourmet cookies....caring about the ingredients you use, mixing it with care and adding special ingredients like chocolate chips, oatmeal and sprinkles. When it comes to sex, what do men talk about? The bottom line is not surprising....they generally always want more! They seem to think about it every day and are often more than willing to drop everything to have sex. They often complain that their partners are too much into routine about sex and that their sex drives rarely match up. Men want more spontaneity and surprise in their sex lives as well as partners that "want" to have sex. Who can blame them? Much to the surprise of many women, most men I have counseled are less than thrilled when their partners go through the motions. Sure, most are just happy to have regular sex, but they do not want their partners to lay there like a sack of potatoes. One man joked that he felt like leaving money on the night stand after sex with his wife, because it felt like she was performing a "duty" rather than sincerely engaging in sex. Often men put up with substandard sex lives because they do not know how to engage their partners into a much needed discussion or they just feel grateful having sex at all. Men also complain when their partners do not shower, groom and overall care about how they feel and look before sex. Remember, men are very visual creatures. Okay, women have a lot to say as well about sex. Women's biggest complaint is that they want more non-sexual physical attention such as back rubs, kissing, caressing and that it should not always have to lead to sex although, sometimes it naturally will because women take some time getting aroused. Women also connect their emotions to sex, so if they feel that their partner has been emotionally inattentive, they feel much less willing to agree to sex. Women may think about sex often as well, but at the end of the day when they are exhausted, they often lack the energy to feel sexual. Women complain endlessly about their partners being lazy lovers and not doing enough to seduce them or keep them happy in the bedroom. Thus the popularity of "Fifty Shades of Gray," where the main character spends a lot of time seducing the female character. Women also put up with substandard sex because they are afraid of bruising their partners ego's or just simply don't know what they really want. Women also start holding back sex when they are angry at their partners and the bedroom becomes a source of tension, pressure and arguments. Here are some warnings for couples. When a partner refuses to kiss at all during sex, wants to get it over with or avoids sex completely, you now have a crisis which needs to be addressed. When those warning signs occur there has been an undercurrent of unresolved issues and power struggles in the relationship which have been avoided. Couples need to talk about sex and begin understanding what each other needs. If people refuse to address what each other need, the relationship will inevitably fall apart or become very dysfunctional. If sex has gotten off track in a relationship, stop having it for a month, have some discussions about it and slowly introduce it back onto the relationship, changing the dance and trying new approaches with each other. If sex is relatively healthy, add some spice to the relationship anyway by flirting and becoming more spontaneous. Here is the number one tip for men....Women take longer to arouse, so generally tend to her needs first. Men should hold back their secret ingredient until she is practically begging for it. Number one tip for women....Women need to get more in touch with their bodies and guide men in what they want. If you do not know your own body, then how is your lover suppose to know how to please you? Overall, men do want to please their partners in bed and await your encouragement and guidance. Women should allow their sexual selves to emerge. When women work on this in their lives, they feel more empowered and confident sexually. Women want more emotional closeness with their partners so men need to find more ways to express their emotions outside of the bedroom. Often men tell me that sex is one way they feel close to their partners. Couples need to encourage each other to connect more to their feelings in general and allow intimacy in non-sexual ways. Couples should wait to have sex until both feel in the mood so that the sexual connection between them is mutual and fulfilling. Sex is a form of communication and not all about the actual act of sex. Sensual feelings can and should be stirred up outside the bedroom through playfulness, flirting and laughing together. Men should not beg for sex but instead artfully seduce their partners. Women should communicate about sex to their partners to help them understand how to better meet their needs. Put the sacred back into sex by putting more energy, awareness and attentiveness into the relationship which will transform your sex life. "Anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they're not. When two bodies meet, it is just the cup overflowing. They can stay together for hours, even days. They begin the dance one day and finish it the next, or--such is the pleasure they experience--they may never finish it. No eleven minutes for them."— Paulo Coelho (Eleven Minutes: A Novel)

Desire is the Key

"Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything"...(Napoleon Hill). How can you possibly appreciate the magic of desire occurring in life if you have not gone through the motions of complacency and stagnation. When unexpected desire occurs, it wakes you up to the wonder of life beyond routines, roles and responsibilities. Desire is an emotion rooted in the soul and is the souls way of connecting to the deeper meaning in life. When you have a desire for something, someone or to reach some goal, it is the flame of the soul lighting the way. It drives and attracts the individual toward what is desires. It is like a magnetic pull that propels one toward their destiny. Once desire is ignited, the person's internal remote can lower the flame out of fear or heighten the flame out of curiosity and will but the flame can never be denied, even if one chooses to resist the calling. On your journey, you may recall when desire was ignited in your soul. One client always had a desire to sing. She could have resisted the desire and attempted to squash the desire, but the more she tried to deny her feelings, the more dead she felt inside. Finally, she fanned the flames and allowed herself to reach for her desired goal. She took singing lessons, sang at local clubs and taught music at a youth center. It meant hard work, sacrifice and upsetting her husband, but she did it anyway. As she worked toward her goal, she came back to life and eventually her husband supported her decision. When desire is present it pushes the individual forward. Think about it. We are all much more motivated, when we are connected to what it is we are doing. I certainly know that when I was a kid and did things because others wanted me to do something or because I was bribed or coerced, I did it half hearted and often dragged my feet. All of the things that I've done from a place of passion however, have been things that I did with all of my heart. Starting a camp, painting drums, and grad school were all things that I did from a place of desire. The same goes with kids. Give them the space to find their passion and watch magic occur. Here are some great quotes about desire. "The waves of desire in the world-ocean are intoxicating wine"....(Sri Guru Granth Sahib). "Desire is a powerful force that can be used to make things happen"...(Marcia Wieder). "The first principle of success is desire - knowing what you want. Desire is the planting of your seed"...(Robert Collier). "Desire is the very essence of man"...(Benedict Spinoza). "Those who restrain Desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained"...(William Blake). Desire in relationships draw the individuals toward each other. When two people desire each other the intensity is twofold, magnifying their soul connection. Even when groups of people desire to collaborate, they are unfolding the power of their destiny to accomplish a goal together. An example of this is when musicians worked together to create the song "We Are The World." When people ignite their desire, whether individually or together, the energy is magnified and intense attracting whomever and whatever is needed to accomplish their goal. Desire and love are especially powerful when they are combined and can propel you toward the future of your dreams. So let yourself desire and watch in awe as it works it's magic in your life.