Sacred Relationships

Years ago, I  read the book Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. It is a very insightful story about sex, love, relationships and finding yourself. Who doesn't like a good story with very sexual content. Look at the enormous popularity of "Fifty Shades of Gray!" Clearly, women think about sex too! During this month of St. Valentine's Day it seems appropriate to address issues relating to sex. I have counseled many individuals and couples and sex is a very common issue. How can you discuss relationships without addressing sex. Sex is like whipping up a batch of cookie dough, using the standard ingredients such as flour, sugar and eggs. Kinda plain and simple, but temporarily satisfies the sweet tooth. Sacred sex however should be like making gourmet cookies....caring about the ingredients you use, mixing it with care and adding special ingredients like chocolate chips, oatmeal and sprinkles. When it comes to sex, what do men talk about? The bottom line is not surprising....they generally always want more! They seem to think about it every day and are often more than willing to drop everything to have sex. They often complain that their partners are too much into routine about sex and that their sex drives rarely match up. Men want more spontaneity and surprise in their sex lives as well as partners that "want" to have sex. Who can blame them? Much to the surprise of many women, most men I have counseled are less than thrilled when their partners go through the motions. Sure, most are just happy to have regular sex, but they do not want their partners to lay there like a sack of potatoes. One man joked that he felt like leaving money on the night stand after sex with his wife, because it felt like she was performing a "duty" rather than sincerely engaging in sex. Often men put up with substandard sex lives because they do not know how to engage their partners into a much needed discussion or they just feel grateful having sex at all. Men also complain when their partners do not shower, groom and overall care about how they feel and look before sex. Remember, men are very visual creatures. Okay, women have a lot to say as well about sex. Women's biggest complaint is that they want more non-sexual physical attention such as back rubs, kissing, caressing and that it should not always have to lead to sex although, sometimes it naturally will because women take some time getting aroused. Women also connect their emotions to sex, so if they feel that their partner has been emotionally inattentive, they feel much less willing to agree to sex. Women may think about sex often as well, but at the end of the day when they are exhausted, they often lack the energy to feel sexual. Women complain endlessly about their partners being lazy lovers and not doing enough to seduce them or keep them happy in the bedroom. Thus the popularity of "Fifty Shades of Gray," where the main character spends a lot of time seducing the female character. Women also put up with substandard sex because they are afraid of bruising their partners ego's or just simply don't know what they really want. Women also start holding back sex when they are angry at their partners and the bedroom becomes a source of tension, pressure and arguments. Here are some warnings for couples. When a partner refuses to kiss at all during sex, wants to get it over with or avoids sex completely, you now have a crisis which needs to be addressed. When those warning signs occur there has been an undercurrent of unresolved issues and power struggles in the relationship which have been avoided. Couples need to talk about sex and begin understanding what each other needs. If people refuse to address what each other need, the relationship will inevitably fall apart or become very dysfunctional. If sex has gotten off track in a relationship, stop having it for a month, have some discussions about it and slowly introduce it back onto the relationship, changing the dance and trying new approaches with each other. If sex is relatively healthy, add some spice to the relationship anyway by flirting and becoming more spontaneous. Here is the number one tip for men....Women take longer to arouse, so generally tend to her needs first. Men should hold back their secret ingredient until she is practically begging for it. Number one tip for women....Women need to get more in touch with their bodies and guide men in what they want. If you do not know your own body, then how is your lover suppose to know how to please you? Overall, men do want to please their partners in bed and await your encouragement and guidance. Women should allow their sexual selves to emerge. When women work on this in their lives, they feel more empowered and confident sexually. Women want more emotional closeness with their partners so men need to find more ways to express their emotions outside of the bedroom. Often men tell me that sex is one way they feel close to their partners. Couples need to encourage each other to connect more to their feelings in general and allow intimacy in non-sexual ways. Couples should wait to have sex until both feel in the mood so that the sexual connection between them is mutual and fulfilling. Sex is a form of communication and not all about the actual act of sex. Sensual feelings can and should be stirred up outside the bedroom through playfulness, flirting and laughing together. Men should not beg for sex but instead artfully seduce their partners. Women should communicate about sex to their partners to help them understand how to better meet their needs. Put the sacred back into sex by putting more energy, awareness and attentiveness into the relationship which will transform your sex life. "Anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they're not. When two bodies meet, it is just the cup overflowing. They can stay together for hours, even days. They begin the dance one day and finish it the next, or--such is the pleasure they experience--they may never finish it. No eleven minutes for them."— Paulo Coelho (Eleven Minutes: A Novel)