Healing Rain

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts"...(Charles Dickens). Being free and honoring the voice within means that my emotions are raw and generally always in the present moment. With that said, as with all of the rain we have had in California over the past 10 days, I too have been experiencing my own rainfall...tears of course. My tears have been healing and have helped me process my feelings about love and about truth. Sometimes people disappoint us, not because of them per se, but because we had hoped they were stronger. We hurt when we must face peoples limitations because we feel it as a loss. It is a loss of what we hoped for. I don't mean to dash hopes...because hope is the dream that perhaps one day, the impossible becomes possible. For today however, some losses may occur when our hearts hurt for what may seem out of reach. A friend asked for my advice about love and heartache. He is utterly in love with someone and is tortured by thoughts of her. He wakes up thinking about her, thinks about her frequently throughout the day and when he falls asleep at night, she is the person he drifts off to sleep thinking about and dreaming about. He says that he now knows what love is and he feels it to the depths of his soul. She loves him too and feels the incredible chemistry between them. The problem is.....she's married and in the depths of her own confusion about obligations, responsibilities and fear. Nobody ever said that love would be easy. Love can make everything messy. Yes, overall love should make things easier, but the heart doesn't care about rules, it just knows how it feels. Just like you can't tell the heart how to feel. You can be married and tell your heart, "Hey heart-fall deeply in love with my spouse because I don't want to get a divorce." The heart says, "Nice try....but you can't force me to feel something I don't." So, people just put up with complacency or misery, because they can't make themselves love somebody that they just don't feel it for. Back to my friend and his dilemma. He wants a magic pill to try to forget about his true love. He can't and never will forget about her, I told him. It just doesn't work that way. A deep love like that is like the air we breathe, once you've felt it, you cannot ever make it disappear nor can you ever live without that feeling....because it becomes a part of you. I advised him to channel his love elsewhere, to write, get distracted and once in awhile to let himself bask in the love he feels for her. I also advised him to date, even though it may be tough. The woman he loves needs to figure out whether she will tolerate a bad marriage or whether she feels deserving enough to follow her heart. As we head into 2011, I believe that people will be tested more than ever as to whether they will honor their voice within or stay in misery. Here's the catch though, pain will continue to get more intense for those who remain in denial. I notice more and more, that people are just not able to hide so easily from their issues. Those issues catch up with you, one way or another. Back to my healing tears....I love a good cry and it honors my voice in every way possible. Equally, as easily as I can cry, I am also able to feel incredible love, joy, hope and laughter. Sometimes, I will cycle through all of those feelings in a single day! Let the healing rain fall as it is raining once again today in Southern California and when the sun comes out tomorrow, I will be the first to run outside to bask in the sunshine of a new day. "The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears"...(John Vance Cheney).

Above It All

"This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man"...(William Shakespeare). Well, as I reflect about 2010 and the numerous lessons I have learned....I suppose the best way to sum it up is to say that I have learned to fly, or perhaps soar above it all. With that said, I am more than happy and ready to fly into 2011. I would describe my growth over the past several years like that of a caterpillar transforming into a beautiful butterfly. The growth was happening internally, slowly but surely creating wings and spectacular colors....growing gracefully more and more each day until the metamorphosis was complete. 2010 was the year I emerged from my cocoon and spread my wings to fly. It was a year of change in every way possible. As my last blog entry summarized, my kids went through a lot this past year and I was by their side, adjusting and shifting along with them....paving the way actually. A strength emerged from me....a voice from within that had been suppressed by fears and a need to please others. Along with many other women, I had hidden my power and given it over to the men in my life. I had always thought that a man needed to define me, starting with an absent father, then step fathers, boyfriends and then a husband. If someone had said to me years ago, "Hey Denise-you have amazing power, wisdom and strength and you don't need a man to give that to you," I would have said, "Yeah, right!" I looked outside myself for validation and looked to the men to be strong. I was let down again and again, because they couldn't do it. They didn't know how to validate the strength in a woman. A sad fact is that many men struggle with their own self esteem issues, so they secretly need to pull women down and certainly can't support female strength if they are intimidated by it. This is a pervasive issue in our society....starting with children watching their mothers succumb to the dominance of men....or watching their mothers become controlling and manipulative because they didn't know how to gain power any other way. Either way, there is an imbalance. The more women come into their true strength and power, the more men will be able to stand beside them as equals and partners. This is a journey for both men and women. Men need to learn to have strength not in dominating women but in protecting them and adoring the feminine spirit. Neither sex should dominate or control the other, ever! This is a journey of honoring our strength within. Partners should be just that...holding hands in love, respect and balance, bringing out the best in each other. As I have learned to soar...I have observed so much around me. Many souls are shackled in the chains of their past hurts and pain. The new year of 2011 is about illumination and freedom if you will set yourself free from the past. The choice is yours. Freedom and a chance to soar is there for everyone if you just start to honor the voice within. Nobody is holding you back except yourself. I love my new wings....I sometimes land and take a breather to regain my strength, then I fly back up and enjoy the view from above it all. It's a spectacular view from above and my new perspective helps me navigate the world we live in with renewed clarity and compassion. “Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish"....(John Jakes).

Get Back Up

I love playing my iPod on car trips. My kids know the words to all of my thousands of songs. My daughter made an astute observation lately. She said, "Mom-all of your songs are about love." Huh, what an accurate observation. One song the kids were singing today was one they have made me play repetitively called, "Get Back Up" by TobyMac. It's especially heartwarming when they are belting out the chorus about getting back up again. No lie.....they make me play it dozens of times in a row. It is an inspiring song about a common theme, to get back up after you've suffered from setbacks and hardships. Everyone could use those words of encouragement at some point in their lives. My kids have gone through a lot over the past year. They made a move across country, leaving their friends and a community they had known their entire lives. They loved Connecticut and they had built their lives around traditions and rituals based on the area we lived. Every Christmas we would go to the local hospital to see the beautifully decorated trees on display which were raffled off before Christmas. As luck would have it, we won one almost every year. We had cold temps and snow in the winter and they looked forward to snow days, so that they could stay home from school and sled in the back yard. I would always bake cookies on those days, so that they would have a warm cookie when they came in from the cold. The kids and I would hike a local mountain called Sleeping Giant in the spring, summer and fall and we had our favorite pancake restaurant called Chips. We knew the staff at Starbucks by name and we knew every inch of the movie theatre at the local mall. They had to leave the house they loved and friends they played with to trek all the way from Connecticut to California. They started school in September and all three had to adjust to a new school and a new house. We had to make new traditions, like Thursday nights are now dinner out at Pick-up Stix. They all made new friends (although they still talk about the friends they miss) and they love their new house. There is no Chips here but iHop seems to do just fine. The new things they enjoy are weekends with their cousins and birthdays and holidays which always include a house full of family members now. They also love that Disneyland is only about an hour away and we go there at least once a month. My oldest recently commented that he likes the weather here because he can wear shorts in December. They are also adjusting to the biggest change....the fact that their father lives in a different residence. They see him every other weekend and occasionally on a weeknight, which is a big adjustment. They are sad about the fact that their dad and I are not together but they are adjusting with all that they have gone through. They miss him tremendously but they do love that he has a pool and jacuzzi at his place. So, when my kids belt out the song "Get back Up" with such gusto and feeling, I think they know what they are singing about. We all have to get back up after losses and changes and as the song poignantly says....you will shine again. What a wonderful lesson about life to remember.


Get Back Up: TobyMac

You turned away when I looked you in the eye,
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you're fighting for your life,
But why? oh why?
Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where,
And theres always scars
When you fall that far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you gonna shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up, get up,
You gonna shine again,
Never too late to get back up again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever
[May be knocked down but not out forever]

You rolled out at the dawning of the day
Heart racin' as you made you little get away,
It feels like you've been runnin' all your life
But, why? Oh why?

So you've pulled away from the love that wou'd've been there,
You start believin' that your situation's unfair

But there's always scars,
When you fall that far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
Never too late to get back up again,
One day, you gonna shine again,
You may be knocked down but not out forever,
Lose our way, we get back up again,
So get up, get up
You gonna shine again
It's never too late, to get back up again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever,
May be knocked down, but not out forever!

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken,
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin',
I am so broken
This is love callin' love callin

Lose our way, [way way way ay ay ay]
We get back up, [get back up again]
It's never too late [late late late ate ate ate]
You may be knocked down but not out forever!

Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up get up
You gonna shine again
Never too late to get back up again
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,

This is love [lose our way] callin' love callin' [get back up again]
To the broken
This is love [never too late] callin'
[may be knocked down but not out forever]
This is love [lose our way] callin' love callin' [we get back up again]
To the broken
This is love [never too late] callin'
[may be knocked down but not out forever]

This is love callin' love callin'
Out to the broken,
This is love callin'....

Serendipity

"Serendipity is the art of making an unsought finding"...(Pek van Andel). I have found in life that often it is the completely unexpected that gives us the most profound moments. One minute we think we are heading in one direction and in a flash, without realizing it, we are hit by surprise and life takes a different course. Even the new road may veer off as well and head us to new forks in the road but nonetheless, they are paths we completely unexpected. To bridge this to love and relationships, people think they have love all planned and figured out, but true heart connections wreck havoc with plans and control. I have found again and again that people are thrown completely out of whack when they finally find what they say they have been looking for. The sad fact is that many run from the very thing they say they want. Happens all too often. Serendipity is still at work however, offering people the choice to discover their true hearts desires. The real test is whether you embrace that which is thrown in front of you or do you run and hide. The choice is yours and if you hide...you will have to face your demons and your fears as to why you couldn't embrace life's purest gift....the opportunity for love and a deep soul connection with someone. Here are some quotes about serendipity: "Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you’ve found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for"....(Lawrence Block). "In reality, serendipity accounts for one percent of the blessings we receive in life, work and love. The other 99 percent is due to our efforts"...(Peter McWilliams). "Serendipity is putting a quarter in the gumball machine and having three pieces come rattling out instead of one—all red"...(Peter H. Reynolds). "You don’t reach Serendipity by plotting a course for it. You have to set out in good faith for elsewhere and lose your bearings … serendipitously"....(John Barth). When serendipity occurs, we almost have to stop and take note that something magical just occurred. Just like one of the previous quotes however....you still have to decide if you are going to follow through with the required work and effort. Two people may have serendipitous moments....but one walks away and makes excuses as to why it doesn't make sense and the other embraces the gift and heads forward to experience all that the moment and experience has to offer. The choice is always there for each of us. Make no mistake however, you know serendipity occurs when something shakes you off of your daily experience....when something or someone catches you by surprise and suddenly life and all that it has to offer becomes so much more vivid and full of new possibilities. The last thing to say about this is that many men and women settle for mates that they try to change into what they want them to be versus finding someone who they embrace completely for who they are now. Trying to change people only leads to frustration and heartache but keeps people a safe distance from truly being connected. Many, many people really aren't strong and can't handle being connected in a real and profound way. Following your heart and embracing serendipity means even if you are afraid, you settle for nothing less than a partnership where each person cherishes each other completely. It also means you recognize the blessing in true chemistry and when chemistry is at it's best.....intense electricity occurs between individuals. Pay attention when you are in a crowded room and scan the couples that you see. You can tell when there is a deeper chemistry between two people in how they relate, their eye contact and body language. On the other hand....notice the rest of the couples, barely speaking, hardly looking at each other and they appear bored, distracted or as if they are biding their time. Why is that even though people claim they want deeper meaning in their lives and may even be offered their serendipitous moments, they retreat back into pain and hiding? That is the deeper question that people need to reflect and ponder about themselves. You know my vote....take the leap and embrace serendipity! One last thing however, even with serendipitous moments paired with a lot of courage and hard work...patience is often still required. Ultimately to get what your heart desires, one may have to persevere tests and set backs, to help you decide once and for all, what is it you truly desire. I had to laugh as I was writing this article, my computer took forever to download the picture and my internet service kept getting disconnected. In addition...although I started writing this on the 22nd, I didn't publish it until the early hours of the 24th because thoughts and feelings took time for me to decipher and unravel. So interestingly enough, my patience was tested tremendously while writing these words. In a strange way...it's what reminded me that patience is a must when following the signs that serendipity offers. Serendipity may offer the bread crumbs...but you have to find the strength within yourself, that whisper that turns into something more and it determines that the path is worth following no matter what the cost may be, because your heart will have it no other way. "Infinite patience brings immediate results"...(Wayne Calloway).

The Secret

I read on a facebook wall some disturbing words, written by a young teen...joking about how "rape is not rape if you like it." I know that she is writing those words from such a naive place and that she has so much still to learn about sexual awareness. Since I've been writing about sexual freedom and sexual exploration in previous articles, it only seems fitting to tackle the sad issue that comes with the territory of sex and that's rape. First, when I am discussing rape....I am really talking about the rape that occurs more frequently and generally goes unreported and that is acquaintance or date rape. According to legaldictionary.com "date rape is forcible sexual intercourse by a male acquaintance of a woman, during a voluntary social engagement in which the woman did not intend to submit to the sexual advances and resisted the acts by verbal refusals, denials or pleas to stop, and/or physical resistance." Statistics reflect that most rapes are perpetrated from people the women know and often trusted. Those types of rapes and coercion occur from dates, boyfriends, husbands, friends, neighbors and family members. The boundaries get blurred when rape occurs by people the women knew, which is why women struggle with shame when it comes to those rapes. When someone you know and trust crosses that line, many women simply find themselves in uncharted territory, not knowing how to navigate themselves through it. When a stranger at a party pushes the sexual envelope, women can often easier set a tougher boundary. But, when it's someone they like or trust, they don't want to believe that the person would actually harm or hurt them. Those types of rapes prey on a woman's vulnerability, their emotions. The other problem is that young women are not often coached in how to defend themselves against the subtle form of manipulation taking place. I've read the dating websites for men and the advice always includes tips on how to maneuver things to get sex. While that's well and good when women are empowered and know when and how to say no.....many young and unsuspecting women can be easy prey to such tactics. To make things worse, alcohol is often involved which impairs a women's judgment to make a clear decision. Most women I know who have been raped, disclosed that they believed the men who raped them, completely and utterly manipulated them and the situation. We have a problem in our society with sex and in how it is communicated to men and women. Sexual expression is a wonderful thing but only when it is mutual and done with the utmost respect. But, when young men are conditioned and encouraged to "score" and young women are pretty unsuspecting about the one track mind of young men...there is a big problem. In fact, as I've discussed, women are seduced with words so if young men know how to guilt the girl or tell her everything she yearns to hear, then he gets what he wants. Actually, I've talked with older women as well who tell me their husbands, dates and boyfriends use guilt tactics and manipulations to get sex as well, so this does not only apply to the younger men and women. Many women have been in those circumstances as well, where they felt very manipulated into bed, even if they would not call it rape. Here's were things get blurry, because men will say that women really say no but they mean yes. Of course mixed messages abound, especially when women are not very sexually empowered. Men though can use that as a defense which helps them condone their bad behavior with women. Regarding date rape...most will continue to go unreported because women have a tough time calling it rape when they know the person. Women also often blame themselves, feeling as if they must have done something to provoke the behavior. The shame and doubt that goes with the territory of date rape is normal. The bottom line is that no means no! Even a hesitation on the women's part should be respected. In addition, under no uncertain terms should a man pursue things sexually when a women is so intoxicated that she can barely stand, sit, speak, etc....let alone unconscious. Shouldn't men be protecting women instead of taking advantage of them when they are at their most vulnerable? I can't tell you how many rapes have been disclosed to me about women being raped while they were passed out or barely coherent. That is a very sad commentary about our society. Why would men ever find this behavior acceptable? I also don't want to demonize anyone on this issue. Sure, there are guys out there who are jerks and put their own needs above anyone else's who harm women and joke that "the women really wanted it." But, there are really nice guys out there too who perpetrate this behavior under the influence of alcohol or who rationalize their bad behavior because their needs became more important in the moment. This is an issue that both young men and women need further education on. In sum, nobody asks to be raped under any circumstance! The better men can get at respecting refusals for sex vs pushing further manipulations while women improve their ability to set and maintain boundaries, the better off both sexes will be when it comes to the dance of sexual relations.

She's Got Game

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions"...(Woody Allen).
"When it comes to sex, men generally wonder if they are going to get lucky, however women always know"...(Monica Piper). Women have a lot of power when it comes to the game of sex while dating and in relationships. I have written about how men can improve their odds by how they approach the women in their lives. Their game can make the difference. I had to laugh when I received an e-mail from a male dating website and compared that to one I received from a female dating web site on the same day. The one for men was advising men on sure fire ways to score with a women, including tips about always making out at her place or yours, but never on neutral territory, therefore improving the guys chances to get to second base and beyond. The advice was clearly saying that if you get a woman to a private place, then a home run is almost guaranteed. Now, the female dating website was offering advice on "how to target Mr. Right" and "how to get him to commit." I was laughing as I was comparing to two opinions. For men...it was about helping them score in the bedroom and for women, it was about commitment. Of course women don't really need advice on how to score. If a woman walks into a bar or says to her husband or date, "I want sex," more often than not she will get a home run. Women though do need to work on giving the men in their lives more freedom to flirt with them sexually. Generally, men look to the women for permission for more sexual freedom in a relationship. I can't tell you how many men I've counseled who told me that their wives won't even talk about sex with them. When women become more sexually confident and comfortable, then they can give their partners the green light to explore fun ways to keep the passion going outside of the bedroom. What are ways to have sexual flirting outside the bedroom? That's easy to answer...through texts (sexting is the nickname), e-mails, phone sex, and playful exchanges in person. Men often feel a bit awkward about initiating such exchanges because their partners might get angry with them or refuse sex altogether. Women in general have to get their game on. When women feel more empowered sexually, allowing themselves to flirt and play sensually both inside and outside of the bedroom, then chemistry with their partner naturally increases as well as just having a lot more fun. In addition, since women are emotional and can get so turned on just through words alone, then giving your partner permission to increase verbal sexual exchanges will only further arouse the female libido. Of course, the relationship needs to be intact and not fractured to add the element of sexual play. A fractured or broken relationship needs to address the imbalances first before the couple can improve their sex lives. Sexual problems in a relationship can point to numerous underlying, unresolved and deep seated problems. When a couple is healthy though and chemistry is flying, adding the dynamic of fun sexual play can and will increase desire and send the chemistry between them off the charts. "For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time"...(Isabel Allende).

A Different Time

"Do you believe in computer dating?...Only if the computers really love each other." -- (Groucho Marx). My seven year old daughter informed me that she has a book report due, but was behind on reading the book. I asked her to pull out the book and after I read the first chapter to her, she continued by reading out loud to me. The book is called "Sarah, Plain and Tall," written by Patricia MacLachlan. The book explores themes of loneliness and abandonment and is set in the western United States during 1910. The father in the story orders a mail order bride via an ad in a newspaper, since he is raising two children alone after his wife died many years earlier. While listening to the story, I was struck by the obvious and stark differences of life, less than 100 years ago. It's hard to believe, but in those days there was no Match.com, Internet dating or very many dating choices for that matter. There was enormous delayed gratification, since letters between him and his prospective bride took a lot of time to go back and forth. In these days of Internet dating, people have unlimited choices on the web sites. In some ways, people seem to take that for granted and people become replaceable and interchangeable. One guy told me that thanks to Internet dating, he could have a different date every night of the week. That idea seems kind of sad to me. I mean, the heck with really getting to know somebody then, because you can just head back online and have another date lined up with another person. It makes the whole thing seem a bit shallow. In a way though, we should value the fact that we really do have choices these days and can take our time to find the right partner and the internet does offer an easier way to meet people. With that said though, because people have so many options, they can believe that there may always be someone better and so with the click of a mouse, hundreds of new profiles pop up. I have enjoyed getting to know different men online but again, the experience of it all seems kinda empty sometimes. The Internet is the new bar scene for sure. Everyone jokes how impersonal the bar scene is but I would argue that online dating is not so different. At least in the bar, you get a real feel for who the person is, even if it is somewhat shallow. Online, people can claim to be whomever they want to be, they can hide behind facades, pictures and words and they can remain the best online boyfriend ever, yet never be able to really be that in person. Hey, maybe that's not a bad idea actually. I can just have an online boyfriend...or maybe 7 at the same time, one for every day of the week (lol). That way, I can get attention whenever I want and I don't ever have to get dressed up or worry about their annoying habits. Seriously though, in some ways people can never match up to the persona they create online. One guy writes in his profile that he is not interested in stretching out the e-mail communication and wants to meet as soon as possible, since expectations get built too high through too much virtual communication. I couldn't agree with him more! In general, I believe expectations in dating or in relationships should be realistic, not overblown and unreal. The thing I loved about the story "Sarah, Plain and Tall," is the simplicity of just getting to know somebody. The expectations were based in real life....not wanting to be alone, wanting to share a life with a partner and mutual needs. Sometimes our society puts these high expectations on everyone and feeds this idea of perfection, more is better and that people are expendable and replaceable. I prefer to really see how unique every individual is although chemistry still remains a must for me. My approach to dating is more open minded these days and thanks to my daughter reading to me last night, I'm going to remember to just enjoy the process. "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog"...(Wendy Leibman).

The Midas Touch

"A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears"...(Woodrow Wyatt). I speak throughout my blog about relationships and how women want to be adored and desired. It is so true that women feel love and desire not in what they see so much but in what they hear. Men truly have so much power in their hands (or their mouths), if they truly know how to talk to a woman and how to really speak to her heart and her body. I have been learning so much lately, just from dating. I have also read some web sites designed to teach men about women. Some of the content is so laugh out loud funny. Men advise men on how to not be wimps, how to buck up and act like a man when they're with women and how to go on dates without spending a dime. Hmmm, I especially find that last one interesting. The author of the male site is just advising men that they don't always have to spring for lavish dinners, at least not until you're sure you might want to pursue the woman a bit more. Okay yes, sometimes women go out with men they are not interested in, just for the free dinner.....so the advice for men is understandable. The best tips for men however are about chemistry and desire. One guy practically yells at guys on the site to drive the point home that women do not feel desire in the same way men do. In a nutshell, he states that men feel attraction in what they see but women feel desire emotionally! The advice for men couldn't be truer, that you have to appeal to a woman's emotions, if you want her to desire you. The best thing I've learned through dating is that the Alpha men are the one's with the midas touch with women because they absolutely understand the concept of desire. I'm not talking about the bad boy, jerk Alpha males. Those Alpha males only care about themselves and use their bad boy status to hurt and use women. I'm also not talking about the Alpha males who hide behind alpha bravado because they are just as insecure as beta men, if not more insecure actually. Those guys use the Alpha thing as a game because they fear real connection and intimacy. No, I'm talking about the Alpha men who respect women and want them to feel safe and protected. The classy Alpha male knows that women feel desire internally, so these guys appeal to a woman's emotions. Some Alpha men take the game a bit far...but overall, they could teach all men a thing or two about how to create irresistible attraction with a woman. You see, an Alpha man is confident, secure and comes across like a man. He exudes masculinity and initiates his approach with care and determination. He may have to play a little aloof and mysterious to get your attention, but he plots every move with a clear intention. It may all seem like reverse psychology, act somewhat uninterested and get her attention. Yes, it's true...but it works. The Alpha male acts interested enough but never gives too much away at first. Women love mystery and are more attracted to someone who doesn't appear needy, wimpy or seeking approval. There is just something so animal instinct about it all really, but a chemical reaction occurs when a woman feels like a man is respectfully taking charge. Once an Alpha man has gotten a woman's attention then all he has to do is utter a few compliments or words of desire and he's got her. I know that I keep saying women want attention. They do, but too much attention and she doesn't buy it. Just enough attention, as long as it's sincere and genuine, she wants more and she wants you. I figured that if this Alpha stuff works in dating, why can't couples start using some Alpha techniques to jump start their sex lives. Now think about it, lets look at two approaches from the same husband. The man comes home from work and says, "Hey honey, ummm...if you feel like it, maybe we could have sex tonight?" The same man comes home, but uses an Alpha approach and says, "Baby~I want to make love with you tonight and give you so much pleasure until you can't take it anymore." Well let's see, which approach is more appealing to a woman? The second approach gets the woman's juices flowing immediately....and I mean on the spot. Her imagination is off and running and she feels desired. She just might attack you right then and there. If men just used their words more wisely, they could have women in the palms of their hands, literally and figuratively! Women aren't the consumers of porn like men are. Women visualize everything in their heads....so give women something to visualize. If you are in a partnership, tell a woman how much you desire her, what you want to do to her and how long you'll do it. If you're dating, you can use the same approach to make her feel more attraction toward you. Be careful because every word counts....and there is no need to go overboard. A few select words via text, e-mail, or verbally could be enough to get her going and like magic, you have the midas touch too. Overall, women find a man sexy who is self assured and confident, so guys, work on being comfortable with yourself. And ladies, whether you are in a partnership or single, figure out what you want and then communicate it clearly because the biggest complaint from men is about the numerous mixed messages you send them. “The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man"...(Madame de Stael).

Too Many Walls

I'm going to start this article off with a quote from "The Notebook". "So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday"...(The Notebook- Nicholas Sparks-spoken by Noah, the romantic lead). I just love that quote and how apropos it is that even true love takes work. Sometimes though, no matter how much affection two people have toward one another, there are just too many walls separating them. I'm a firm believer in love...but sometimes love cannot break the barriers separating people. Love is never a waste of time however because just the act of loving someone changes you for the better. It is also an experience of loving oneself, to let go and move on when the walls are just too much to contend with. Walls are another of life's lessons. Walls are barriers, fears, defenses and sometimes things in life that just prevent people from being together. Of course, the romantic in me always believes in hope but nonetheless, sometimes letting go is the best course of action. When too many walls create a divide, one must move on and hope for love with another. Love stories still intrigue us however, ones that beat the odds and shatter the walls. I suppose the female population secretly roots for love to prevail after all. I say females, since they are generally the ones with romance novels in hand and running to the theatres in groves when a new Nicholas Sparks movie opens. Oh sure, men attend those movies too, but generally they are being dragged there by a female. For you few romantic fellas out there who truly admire a good love story, I apologize and I'm glad you enjoy a Nicholas Sparks movie as much as I do. Walls are meant to be broken down when possible, but despite the happy endings in most novels and movies, the walls just may be too difficult to tear down after all. I know that this must be shocking coming from me, the eternal optimist but even I have to concede that some people have built walls just too high or difficult to penetrate. There is still a happy ending....just one with a different outcome. New outcomes and different paths still have the possibility for true love and bliss. The universe hands us several options, thankfully....so never give up hope that your happy ending is just around the corner. I write this particular article with a heavy heart because I really do believe in love. I always carry love in my heart and know that ultimately love creates healing on so many levels, even if that love cannot ever be reciprocated. I say to all of the men and women who have loved others who have been unable able to give that love back due to walls, that you have grown immeasurably for loving them anyway. Personally, I have never regretted loving others but had regrets in the past over masking my love with defenses and fears. I just cannot hide love any longer...because an open heart feels so much lighter and freer. A big "cheers" though to all of the real life love stories that have come true. May love prevail after all, one way or another. "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave"...(Mahatma Gandhi).

A Nice Surprise

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And Today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present"....
(Babatunde Olatunji). I love this quote because it's so simple and says so much. I posted it on my facebook wall and several people commented that it was in the movie Kung Fu Panda. I didn't remember that actually but how perfect! I just love animated movies because they connect us to our child selves....and hidden in a fun, spirited movie is a very profound quote. I love it! Each day is amazing to me because it truly offers us the gift of new insights, things that we had yet to experience and of course a nice surprise occasionally. Sometimes I just shake my head in wonder when something or someone surprising enters my sphere. Nice surprises indeed. Each person I meet seems to teach me something new or vice versa. I especially like those surprises. One guy I was chatting with told me about hiking trails I had never discovered. The guy was not the lesson...he was a pit stop, but the trails are now some of my favorites! Some guys I've gone on dates with received some much needed free therapy. That was a gift for them. I'd like to say that I'm off duty when I'm on a date, but I am a therapist and it's just a part of who I am. I love trying to understand different perspectives and I ask questions that many would be afraid to ask. I don't ask to analyze, I ask because I'm sincerely interested but in the process...I get guys talking. That's a good thing. Many men I've met admit that they would never set foot in a therapist's office...but there they are at dinner, pouring their life stories out to me. I'm glad that I'm a good listener! It's rewarding for me to help men express themselves. Everyone needs to talk once in awhile and way too many men keep things bottled up. I also love the surprise of meeting like minded souls who inspire me in some way. That always make me feel good. The law of attraction really does work. I met one of the nicest ladies in the sauna at the gym. I'm always happy when we run into each other because we have the most in depth conversations about love and relationships. Her name is Mimi and she is originally from Germany and has been married for 50 years. She has some amazing insights about love and life. I'll write more about Mimi in another article but her bottom line about love in her own words, "Chemistry is everything!" Everyday now, I wake up wondering what surprises are waiting for me. To add to that, it's fun to just add the element of surprise occasionally by doing something unpredictable. Nice surprises await us every day if you choose to notice. That's the beauty in life. "Well, we all like things to be predictable, don't we? We expect things to be safe and to keep on happening just the way they always have. We expect the sun to rise in the morning. We expect to get up, survive the day and finish up back in bed at the end of it, ready to start all over again the next day. But maybe that's just a trick we play on ourselves, our way of making life seem ordinary. Because the truth is, life is so extraordinary that for most of the time we can't bring ourselves to look at it. It's too bright and it hurts our eyes. The fact of the matter is that nothing is ever certain. But most people never find that out until the ground suddenly disappears from beneath their feet"...(Steve Voake).

Hanging On

"As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident"...(Peter Greene). The recent song to inspire me is "Hanging On" by Everyday Sunday. It's about a guy who notices that everybody around him wants to be found, but he is barely hanging on. I have counseled many people through the years, who came to me in that state...just barely managing to get through the day. Some had suicidal thoughts or had even attempted to end their lives. Some people told me later that if it hadn't been for counseling, they would have definitely ended their lives. Recently, my 14 year old niece received some devastating news. One of her best friends, someone she had known since Kindergarten, ended her life. A fourteen year old girl, so hopeless, that the only option she could see in front of her was to end things. How does a girl go from playing jump rope on the playground to growing into a teen, excited about boys, with her entire life ahead of her....to taking her life? Like so many who reach their breaking point, she had things in her life that felt insurmountable. Perhaps the triggers were her parents fighting or the fact that another girl kept bullying her...but in a moment of sheer pain, she couldn't hang on any longer. There are many souls out there that at this moment, they are barely hanging on. Sometimes there is something we can do to help and other times, our hands are tied. If someone keeps things bottled up and gives little to no signs that they are struggling, others may not know how much pain they are in. In other cases, denial can keep people from getting the help they or their loved ones so desperately need. I've talked to moms who have told me that their teen disclosed to them that they wanted to end their lives, but they just dismissed it as normal teen angst. Sure, sometimes when people are emotional, they may say things that they don't mean, but any disclosure about wanting to kill oneself should always be taken seriously. I've also counseled adults who admitted that their family system didn't take suicidal thoughts seriously and simply told them, "Don't talk like that." Denial is sometimes the biggest problem when it comes to suicide. Nobody wants to think that someone would or could actually take their own life. It happens all the time though and most recently there have been quite a few cases of teens, so overwhelmed by bullying that they took their own lives. When people feel that overwhelmed by life, there is no rationale. The reasons and pressures can be numerous in life for teens like bickering parents, feeling like you don't fit it, failing grades, peer pressure and teasing. Adults aren't without their triggers too such as divorces, betrayals, losses of loved ones, failing health, financial devastation, and more. Whether it's a teen or an adult feeling as if they just can't hang on anymore....the pain they are feeling runs so deep that the world just caves in on them. The hope is that someone is able to intervene and help guide them to healthier thoughts and out of the danger zone. Everyone has pressures after all and nobody is without stress. It is in how you manage that stress and the coping skills you develop to help you come out of pain stronger than ever. Friends, family, counselors, teachers, pastors can all be potential support networks to be able to just talk about feelings. If you know someone struggling, reach out to them and absolutely suggest counseling if the situation appears worrisome. Don't ever dismiss pleas for help as "drama." If someone is crying out for help, at least listen and get someone else involved to talk with them as well. We should never feel completely alone in this world...we are all here to help each other in whatever ways we can. As for the countless lost souls hanging on....don't give up. Things are never as bad as they seem. Just because life feels overwhelming sometimes does not mean the obstacles are insurmountable. Reach out for help and know that life can offer many opportunities for a fresh perspective, hope and a new day. To my niece's friend, the sweet soul who just crossed over, our thoughts and blessings are with you. "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"...(Franklin D. Roosevelt).

Find Your Way

"Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right"...(Henry Ford). Everyone faces some fears about taking risks and trying new things or developing talents that remain hidden and untapped. I have worked with many people throughout the years who were terrified to leap out into the unknown with their secret dreams of writing, singing, helping others, dancing, painting, and so on. The only thing stopping them was themselves. Sure sometimes, they had parents or spouses who fed their fears...spewing propaganda and fear based messages like, "Get your head out of the clouds," or "The sooner you get realistic about things-the better." When others have that much impact on you, they are just tapping right into your own fears and those fears spread like a wild fire. In reverse, once you confront your fears and push through them, nobody can stop you from pursuing your dreams. I've heard excuses like, "I can't go back to school because I don't have the money," or "I never have time to dedicate to my dreams." There is simply no truth to those statements. As the saying goes...when there is a will, there is a way! Nothing can stop you once you believe in yourself. I had to put myself through college and grad schools. Sure, there were moments that I was exhausted from working up to three jobs but I pushed on. It took me longer than most to finish my undergraduate degree, but in the end who cares how long it took. The excuses are self imposed road blocks. Sometimes it feels easier to stay stagnant and safe yet the price you pay is more than you know. If you give up on your hopes, talents and dreams, then you become less of who you were meant to be. Boredom sets in, anger and resentment for life can take over and self loathing may become such an essential part of your being that the talents and dreams disappear completely and not even a shadow of your true self remains. You only gain by investing in yourself and in fact, you lose so much if you don't nurture your hopes and dreams. The most inspiring stories are those of people who risked everything to follow their hearts. I studied Henri Matisse this week for an art program to teach children about famous artists. Henri Matisse was a lawyer and had pressure from his father to be a successful attorney. Due to an illness, he was laid up for awhile and his mother bought him art supplies. He discovered a true love of art and decided to study art in Paris, which greatly disappointed his father. He later described art as "a kind of paradise." He followed his passion regardless of pressure and expectations and he found his bliss. That is what it should be like....that each one of us settles for nothing less than finding a piece of paradise. So, if there is something that you keep putting off...joining an art group, taking a class, writing, or pursuing a new job...don't let your fears stop you. Take one step toward embracing your dreams and find your bliss. "I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn't fall down"...(Allen H. Neuharth). "If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced"...(Vincent Van Gogh).

Understanding Women

I'm a woman obviously, so writing about women comes quite naturally. I've also listened to many hundreds of women clients, friends and family members stories, so I could write endlessly about women. First, the rule of thumb for men is "keep it simple" while for women...nothing is ever simple. There seems to be a little issue with the fact that men like things simple...women make things complex...which equals a big problem when it comes to men and women communicating. We are complex by nature I think. Perhaps it's the fact that we can bear children or perhaps it's because we are generally so emotional. Like the depths of the sea, women are mysterious and often misunderstood. Often, because we tend to be emotional, we don't even understand ourselves half the time. We can dive deep into an emotion and unravel every facet of it, which often drives men crazy. I watch in couples sessions when the women are reading a letter they wrote their partner (which often looks like a dissertation) while the men sit there with a baffled look in their eyes as if she is speaking a foreign language. That goes back to...men need things concrete and to the point and women often do not know how to simplify their emotions. We are emotional though and sometimes there does not need to be a solution, just listening can be key and all that is needed. For women, I advise venting to a journal first so as to not overwhelm the men in their life, then approach them with the cliff notes version of what they are trying to say. Women are pretty amazing though. A man in the sauna pointed out to me that women should be respected for the simple fact that mother nature made things tough on them just from having children alone. He said, "I could have never endured what my wife went through having babies, caring for the children and menopause." All men tell me though that they just don't understand why women seem to never let things go and they never forget an argument. I admit, we do have very good memories when it comes to arguments. Even though women tend to seem complex, we are pretty simple at heart. Women want to be desired, respected and adored by their partners. Women often suffer from the "caretaking complex," nurturing everyone in their lives except themselves. Women also tend to lose themselves in their roles of wives and mothers that they simply forget who they were and are at heart. Most women often have also endured harassment or abuses from the hands of men (fathers, bosses, husbands, brothers, strangers, dates) at some point in their lives. Those abuses can and often do create huge barriers for trust and enormous scars in a woman's development of self worth. Women of all ages also tend to have endless insecurities of fitting in, measuring up, or looking good enough which creates more self esteem issues in women often starting at very young ages. The journey for women is the same for men...that is to learn to honor yourself first and then and only then can you accept love from those around you. "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world"....(Lucille Ball).

Understanding Men

I have really been thinking about men lately. Since being catapulted back into the dating scene, I am now able to view men from a renewed perspective. First, I must start off saying that I adore men. I didn't really grow up with a lot of men around, so my experience and knowledge of them was very limited. I grew up with two sisters and a single mom, since my parents divorced when I was just a baby. So, without brothers or a main male figure in my life, I was kinda on my own to understand the male species. Needless to say, I was a bit lost once I started dating in college. Through the past twenty something years, I've counseled hundreds of men and learned enormously from being in an 18 year relationship. My two sons have also educated me enormously as well...and in fact, they show me every day just how different boys are from girls. My five year old son loves that he can pee in the woods, plays with trucks and cars endlessly and calls me "momma" in such a way that melts my heart. My ten year old son also teaches me daily about how boys love video games and can somehow grasp the complex world of competition with the use of a handheld X-Box controller. In counseling and now dating, I have observed that we have a bit of a crisis in society, regarding the self esteem of men. Men seem to struggle with meeting endless expectations of them and often can end up misguided in their attempts to recover some confidence. Those that are older and divorced seem fearful of women castrating them after brutal relationships that made them feel less than perfect. That goes back to the premise though that some men may have married to fulfill expectations but didn't really follow their hearts when it came to choosing a mate. Once they are tossed back out into the dating scene, they are scarred, bruised and more guarded than ever, simply not trusting themselves anymore. Some emerge more confident, but very few it seems. One man e-mailed me a simple question, "Why are so many people divorced?" I responded with my theory about how few actually marry for love and he responded back saying: "That is very true. I didn't marry for love, I was more concerned with money and my career. I also married to fulfill my families expectations of being a successful male." Men do have a lot of expectations placed on them. The responsible ones try to please everyone and truly end up frustrated when it's never enough and more and more is expected of them. Women often feel that way too but men often do carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. The men that succumb to the macho expectations unfortunately dominate and control women to feel powerful and to mask their insecurities. That model only does more damage to women and children and ultimately to the man itself because he alienates himself from everyone he cares about. Overall, men and women want the same things, to be valued, respected and acknowledged for who they are and what they can contribute. Women are not the only sex wanting emotional connection. Men crave connection too, but it alludes them as well because they are not connected with themselves. Men are suffering as much as women from insecurities, frustration and poor self worth. Men strive for money and power because they believe and have been taught that somehow those things make the man. They may achieve those things but they may only create a monster. The wiser, more confident men realize that those things are not the answer but still may have to contend with jokes and ostracism for not being "man" enough. The more sensitive men either have to cover up their emotions or find other ways to feel like a man. Many men don't really know how to accept compliments or how to trust that women can love and adore them. Again, some men make women submissive to feel adored. That is not the same thing...because it is control and fear, not adoration based on love and respect. Basically, many men secretly don't feel they deserve to be loved, so they sabotage or push away love. We have a problem overall in society where men and women are just not truly connected to their hearts. Everyone is running around trying to fit in, please others, fulfill obligations and secretly not feeling good enough. The older ones are bruised from tough relationships, more fearful than ever about letting one's guard down. The answer is complex yet simple. It begins with connecting to oneself, healing wounds from the past and getting back in touch and thus trusting your heart center. All of that is no easy task yet living a disconnected life is one that is empty and painful, so either way, there is work involved. My hope is that more men can find their way back to who they really are and trust enough to open their hearts. When men and women can heal themselves and begin honoring how amazing both sexes are, then we can begin to heal as a society. The journey begins with each individual willing to find their way inward to simply just honor who they are as individuals. "We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies"....(Roderick Thorp).

Footprints In The Sand

There is a famous poem by Mary Stevenson called, "Footprints In The Sand." I also discovered an inspirational song with same title by Leona Lewis. The premise of the poem and song is the theme of being carried by god when you can no longer walk, thus being carried by faith. What else is there to sustain us when we feel so alone, struggling with pain and needing something or someone to carry us. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I was really grappling with some things I have observed all around me. First, why is it that so many people, some with good hearts, still inflict such pain onto others. Why do men beat and rape women? Why do women and men do cruel things to one another? Why do people push love away? Why do so many choose misery over love? Why do people use each other, lie to one another and dishonor themselves and those around them with their bad behavior? Obviously, I had a tough day with thoughts like that streaming through my mind. I know the answer to those questions...that so many people, so very many are broken. In fact, not just broken slightly but in some cases, broken in a thousand little pieces. Many broken people cause pain to those around them. The insightful ones do little harm to others but stay hiding in their caves, only causing more pain for themselves. I have learned quite a bit while dating thanks to the dating web sites. As in life, some of the people on there are out to use others and they clearly misrepresent themselves. I have also conversed with some very nice people, genuinely looking for love. In having some discussions however, I have discovered some men out there who clearly only have selfish intentions when it comes to women. I have also had men tell me that they have been duped by women misrepresenting themselves and lying. Lots and lots of broken souls out there. I have also had discussions with men and women who admit that they have sabotaged something incredible because they were afraid. It just broke my heart yesterday to think that people have the possibility for true love, for bliss, to experience the best life has to offer....and they push it away. People create their own misery and cause pain to others because they are simply afraid. It was too much for me to bare yesterday. I am usually the optimist, the cheerleader and I smile my way through life. Yesterday however, all I could do was cry. I guess I needed it...to cry for humanity, for my losses and to just honor pain. I didn't intend to wallow (well maybe a little)...just knew I needed a good cry. So, I cried and cried and yet I was still able to enjoy the beauty of the clouds and the sky. I also knew that my perspective would be renewed with the dawn of a new day. I remain eternally hopeful about love, joy, peace and compassion. It's the only path to follow really. Love is the answer, even when others sarcastically laugh, or hide or hate or sabotage....love is the only answer in this life that makes any sense. The love I nourish, express and feel within my heart and within my entire being, feeds me daily and is carrying me where I need to go. Where am I going? I'm not sure yet, but with love in my heart....no worries, I'll be taken care of. As for the saddness I felt yesterday, we all have those moments. I needed to be carried yesterday....and for that, I am grateful. “When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly"...(Patrick Overton).


Footprints In The Sand: Leona Lewis
Songwriters: Cowell, Simon; Kreuger, David Bengt; Magnusson, Per Olof; Page, Richard

You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going

You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown
Along the way

Then I heard you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
And I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times I've lied
And been so afraid

And just when I
I thought I'd lost my way
You gave me strenght to carry on

That's when I heard you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
Oh, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand
When I'm weary
Well I know you'll be there
And I can feel you
When you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is full of sadness and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

Happy

"The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself"...(Benjamin Franklin). Everyone says they want to be happy...but what does that mean exactly? Often people feel they aren't happy when they have a tough day or go through a tough time in life but happiness is not a destination, it's a state of mind. To me, happiness is a feeling of joy in being in the moment. It's a feeling of gratitude when it appears that everything is falling apart around you. It's the bliss of laughter at watching a silly movie or the simplicity of enjoying coffee with someone special. All of those individual moments make us feel happy. Life happens, which means ups and downs come with the territory. The trick is creating a sense of balance, allowing happiness room to reside within. Often people are looking outside of themselves for happiness in things they buy, people they pursue or in money and other superficial temporary fillers. They may attain those things but then realize that they didn't catch happiness in attaining any of those things. Some get frustrated and then keep chasing more people or things. Happiness seems to allude them like how Bugs Bunny always managed to get away from Elmer Fudd. The way to find happiness is to look within and to observe and clear your hidden barriers keeping you from embracing something that has always been right there all along. Happiness was never trying to hide or get away, it was waiting for you to take notice and allow it to flourish within. Here are some quotes about happiness. "Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it"...(Jacques Prévert). "Happiness is never stopping to think if you are"...(Palmer Sondreal). "Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy"....(Robert Anthony). "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up"...(Mark Twain). "Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it"...(Groucho Marx). So, if you are struggling with finding happiness, remember it is really already there within you and you just have to choose it. In embracing happiness, you may notice that fears may creep in occasionally, tempting you to revert back to old patterns of pain and struggle. Don't be fooled by Bugs Bunny trying to tempt you to run after him again. Bugs Bunny is just a "silly old Rabbit" and an illusion testing you, to see if you are grounded in the fact that you can stop chasing. Just be happy and allow the beauty of life to fill you each and every day in embracing the gift of being alive. "If you want to be happy, be"...(Leo Tolstoy).

The Heart of Desire

"How helpless we are, like netted birds, when we are caught by desire!"...(Belva Plain). Desire has been the topic of some of my articles lately and I wanted to dive deeper into what desire is for men and women, particularly when it comes to dating and relationships. What does a woman find desirable? For me it starts with something undefined... A twinkle in his eye mixed with an air of boyish mischievousness. A man that can hold his own in playful exchanges, makes me laugh and wants to please me... whether it's in getting me a glass of wine or stopping at the store to pick up dessert. He's not afraid to give me some attention and enjoys the attention I give him. It also creates desire when I feel as if I'm the only woman he has eyes for while we're together and he's the only man I want to be with in that very moment. My desire list has changed considerably from when I was twenty five. Back then, I gave a lot expecting the same in return. I was always let down and frustrated when that just didn't happen. I needed to grow as a person, learn to love myself more and as I transformed, what I value in a partnership shifted drastically. Each person should define what they want when it comes to attraction and desire, most of which begins with a stirring in the soul. These issues apply to someone dating as well as those in long term relationships. If you cannot decide what you want, how can you attract what you desire. Women often complain to me that they continue to attract the same type of guy....yet they don't see that the type of guy they attract is a hidden reflection of how they really feel they deserve to be treated. I keep repeating this very point but it needs to be said again and again to remind people that you have a say in what you create in your life. When people shift how they feel about themselves...they shift what they attract and what they'll tolerate when it comes to relationships. In general, women I've counseled say that they love when men make them laugh and give them attention. All women, no matter how educated, their age, or how needy or independent they are say they want more attention. I guess that boils down to a woman's desire to be cherished. Women tend to give their partners what they want in return. That is an error and an understandable mistake. Men and women often make that mistake in life. You give what you expect to get. Doesn't work. When men and women can understand each other better, then the gap between the sexes can be bridged. Women should practice receiving more and allow men to tend to their needs. That is often tough for women to do. Men enjoy pleasing a woman and actually feel appreciated and valued when you allow them to do for you, whether it's to change a tire or to take you out to dinner. Men want to feel valued for the things they do. That is how a man shows he cares. Men may not always be good at expressing their emotions verbally but if they take your car to get washed and fill up the tank, they displayed nurturing for you. Men also need to learn that they may desire a woman more when she is less available and somewhat aloof but that does not work in reverse. Women get frustrated and feel neglected when men act aloof. Men had a lot to say too when I asked them about what they desire in a woman. Very few men, whether they are 26 or 46, said it's only about sex and appearance. I was impressed by their candid and honest viewpoints about desire. Sure, some men could only manage to be sarcastic and funny when I asked them about desire. When I asked one guy what makes him desire a woman, he said "ice cream," while another said "10 Virgins." Okay, men aren't always great at verbalizing but overall men told me things like, "Having a woman just making me feel respected and like I'm the only guy in the room." Many men said that they think it's sexy when a woman is clearly comfortable with herself and they value mental stimulation and fun conversation. Most men said that even though sex is always on their mind, they get bored with the bar scenes and one night stands. The men over thirty five told me that they look for chemistry and compatibility, more so then they did when they were younger. Physical appearance seems less important to those men and women over thirty five as well. The consensus seemed to be that looks matter to a point but personality and chemistry are what matters more. A few of the younger guys agreed. Although, overall on the dating websites, the proof is in the profiles. The younger men clearly show off their tight abs and their sex appeal, while the older men talk about their achievements and the security they can offer a woman. As for women, they often show off their looks regardless of age because regardless of what men say, they do like having an attractive woman on their arm. The key is finding the right mix...chemistry, timing, something that just "clicks" or a "spark" and compatibility. Most profiles of the men that I have read stated that "Chemistry is a must." What is chemistry? That is the million dollar question. It differs for absolutely every person and is an invisible energy that attracts people together on a soul level. One man told me that he is tired of attracting needy women who lie to him. Well, upon further analysis, he's insecure and he likes the women who lavish him with lots of attention. The problem is that the girls are insecure too and are giving attention to get him to like them. Once things settle down and the girls get what they want, he realized that they lied to him or misrepresented themselves. That is a good example of how you will get back a reflection of your own insecurities until you recognize the pattern and set out to change it. Once you do, the people you desire shifts as well. In long term relationships, you can shift the dynamic as well with setting out to change the old patterns. Creating desire is especially important in long time unions, so as to not get bored or take each other for granted. So figure out what you desire and what it says about who you are, what you need and what you are attracting. "If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it"...(Brendan Francis).

Still Breathing

"I am glad that so much movement happens in this stillness"...(Richard Land). My last article was about feeling overwhelmed, thus motionless when one is feeling passion and desire at the same time. The feeling of being motionless is about being still in the center of an internal emotional storm. When caught in the center of that type of emotional hurricane...sometimes the only action one can manage is breathing. The trick is to not become comatose and detached. You may still be breathing in that scenario but very little emotional work is being accomplished. When people check out because they are so overwhelmed, the inaction causes further delay and perhaps even more turmoil. If that is one's path however, then that is how they must process and learn. For others, stillness is needed to sort through and grow in insight and awareness. Much is learned and attained in stillness. Often most of our emotional growth happens when we are the most still. Even though it feels like we are not moving, things are shifting profoundly in and around us. Again, it depends on the use of stillness as a way to move forward when it's time. Here are some inspiring quotes about stillness. "Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself"...(Hermann Hesse). "No thought, no action, no movement, total stillness: only thus can one manifest the true nature and law of things from within and unconsciously, and at last become one with heaven and earth"...(Lao Tzu). "Your innermost sense of self, of who you are, is inseparable from stillness. This is the I Am that is deeper than name and form"...(Eckhart Tolle). "The stillness in stillness is not the real stillness; only when there is stillness in movement does the universal rhythm manifest"...(Bruce Lee). I know that personally, I remained still for quite awhile, contemplating my life, my next move and sometimes just sitting with a heck of a lot of emotion. Upon reflection, I was still breathing at times (just barely) but trying to get through each day with the hope and desire that movement would take place at some point. I was growing leaps and bounds in that stillness however. Once I took my first step, I realized that something had profoundly shifted within me. I was transformed in all of that time I was just breathing. Stillness was my journey within, to find the real, true me...sitting quietly waiting to be guided out of the fog. It may have felt like a storm of epic proportions going on all around me but the true me was not afraid of the storm. That first step required such courage which had grown stronger in the stillness. I weathered the storm and kept a steady pace, even when the rain and winds were taunting me to go back. I forged ahead, took lots of deep breaths and paused and reflected when needed, but I kept moving forward emotionally. The storms surrounding people are often made up of fears, judgements and doubt. The storm dissipated more and more with each step. I took risks I thought were impossible before, began to show a vulnerability that I would have taken great lengths to hide previously and my perspective about myself and the world completely shifted. It was as if a veil was lifted and I was allowed to see the world in vivid color. Stillness is my best friend now and with each breath, I honor the incredible growth I made by going within. I carry stillness with me as part of who I am and it continues to illuminate more than the naked eye can ever begin to see. Back to "Anonymous," who may be in the center of their own emotional storm, let love-passion-desire together light the way and you too will find your path out of being motionless when your time is right. "It is the stillness that will save and transform the world"...(Eckhart Tolle).

Broken Glass

Desire is a funny thing. It stirs up the senses, creating a thirst for everything pleasurable about life. Passion is the dessert of life, meant to be savored and enjoyed. A life without passion is like walking in the dessert for years, feeling tired, thirsty and hungry. Life feels dull and plain without passion or desire. Desire is the pulsating drive to feel and savor passion. Someone made a comment on the article I wrote about passion: "Anonymous said...Passion is just one component. Passion with Desire leaves a person motionless." I reflected on that thought for a bit and realized that anonymous may be right. Most people rarely feel passion let alone desire and passion rolled into one. In fact, passion without desire often feels less emotional and even possibly shallow. Desire is a profound sense of longing or hoping for something or someone. Many people stay bogged down in desire too afraid to take even one step toward ever getting what they want. They just allow themselves to desire something or someone from afar, telling themselves that it would be a pipe dream to ever actually attain what they desire. Those people live in caves and they die inside at some point and then literally die with lost dreams and hidden desires that were never allowed to blossom in the light of day. Others may actually allow themselves to desire something or someone but when they get close to getting what they want they shut down, run away, push it away or sabotage. Desire and passion together is pretty overwhelming! It takes awhile to literally get adjusted and use to the intensity of that type of energy. Staying motionless for too long is futile however. Let me rephrase and say that being motionless for awhile may be needed to process all that you are feeling, therefore hopefully helping you to gear up to reach out for what you desire. You have to value yourself enough to push through any old fears, doubts and defenses to allow yourself to embrace the passion from attaining that which you so desired. Being motionless by passion and desire is like sitting in a house surrounded by glass walls. You can see what you desire on the other side of the glass. It's clearly visible and within reach. The answer becomes, do you stay in your glass structure, almost tortured by being motionless...or do you you break the glass once and for all and wrap your arms around passion. At least in a glass structure you are ahead of those living in caves but you are still walling yourself off from the opportunity of having passion in your life. I admit, passion and desire are scary things, in a good way. Again, many do not even allow themselves to dream...partly because they are afraid they won't get what they want but many don't consciously realize that they are really afraid of getting what they want. You have to face those issues of unworthiness once and for all to embrace getting what you desire. Many people feel a profound sense of insecurity, guilt and unworthiness, so they don't feel they ultimately deserve a passion filled life. The alternative is living in your glass house, too mired down by fears to break free. I see this issue play out all around me in various situations. People pick jobs, dates and relationships based on what's convenient versus what may be a challenge or more in line with desire. People play it safe all the time and take the easy, yet unfulfilling way out. The more daring ones reach out for their desires only to pull back and remain motionless. The true daredevils are afraid too....but they take their hammer and break the glass. If the glass house gets rebuilt thanks to defenses, they just break the glass again and again until the house falls away completely and the person is finally free. It may take a few if not many times to shatter the glass but passion and desire are worth it. So, to "Anonymous," don't stay motionless endlessly...break the glass and allow yourself to embrace passion and desire in your life. “A strong passion for any object will ensure success, for the desire of the end will point out the means”...(William Hazlitt).

What I Love

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things"...(Donald Miller). At the gym tonight, someone asked me how I like the rain...."I love it," I said. He smiled and said, "I love it too." Sometimes something so simple can be something that we love. Since this is my first fall back in California after 20 years on the East Coast, I am already missing the beauty of the fall colors and the feeling of a crisp, cool October day. Since I cannot bring a Connecticut fall to California, I am allowing myself to enjoy the rain, since it somewhat reminds me of the fall. I didn't realize to what degree weather played on my internal clock. Since the weather has been so continuously warm here, I had been on the go constantly. In Connecticut, when it is warm you enjoy the warm weather as much as you can. The warm weather rarely ends here in California though, so it wasn't until the recent rains, that I realized that I had not slowed down. I love the rain now and I will allow it to be my new fall. I also love the smell of an apple pie baking in the oven. That is another fall memory from Connecticut. In honor of fall and the rain, I have a homemade apple pie baking in the oven right this very moment. Instead of heading to a farm to get the apples however, I went to Trader Joe's. I'm sure the pie will still taste just as delicious. I love living back in California but I do miss a lot of things about the East Coast, especially the very special people I had met there. I love a nice skim Cappuccino and fresh chocolate croissant at a wonderful French cafe here in town. It makes me feel like I'm in France when the French owner, with his French accent comes to the table to take my order. He makes the croissants fresh every morning and they literally melt in your mouth with each delectable bite. I love my kids but I don't love it when they fight and scream. My five year old is going through a screaming phase and those screams are so high pitched that they cut right through you. He sometimes starts first thing in the morning when his older brother taunts him in even the slightest way. If you've never woken up to the sound of a high pitched scream first thing in the morning, consider yourself lucky. I love the movie, "The Family Man" when Nicolas Cage wakes up his first morning as a parent with crying kids in the background and his wife begs him to make strong coffee as soon as possible. That's what it feels like! Thus, I love my morning coffee. I sometimes get a pot brewing before I get the kids off to school then it's off to Starbucks to say hello to the crew there and to get another cup or two. Hey, with the gold Starbucks card, refills are free. You gotta love that, especially if you're an exhausted mommy who was jolted awake by the sounds of repetitive screams. I love my hikes, especially after a morning like I just described. It relaxes me to be on a trail and nature fills me with such peace and serenity. I love the feeling at the end of the day, when I collapse into bed and the pillows and blankets welcome me with a comforting embrace. Of course there is so much more that I love like traveling, road trips, hanging out with friends and the taste and enjoyment of a really good meal. I also love other simple moments like the beautiful birds playing in the fountain outside Starbucks while I was sipping my coffee this morning and the smile on my son's face when I taught an art lesson to his class today. Life is all about the simple moments and those little things that we love. When all of those smells, sights, sounds and feelings are all strung together, they make for wonderful memories that remain with us forever.

We're Human

While walking to school the other day with my kids, my five year old glanced back at the garbage truck passing by. His glance turned into a stare when he saw the big automated arms reach out to pick up the garbage can. He looked at me in earnest and said in his precious voice; "Mommy, I'm going to drive a garbage truck when I get bigger." There it is, he was being in the moment and in that very moment, the garbage truck captured his attention and gave him something to dream of. There will be countless moments like that for all of my kids as they grow and learn about themselves and life. My hope for them is that they never stop having those moments, no matter how old they are. So many adults stop dreaming, wishing and hoping to do something cool, fun or just because. I have my ongoing list of awesome places I plan to visit as well as things I want to do and experience. As long as I'm alive, I will have a continual "bucket list" with additions being made in moments like my youngest son experienced while watching the garbage truck. Life is a wondrous adventure with so many endless places to see and experience as well as interesting people to meet along the way. I try to remain open to talk to anyone willing to discuss the weather or to share their observations about the economy. Whether I am in the steam room at the gym or standing in line at Starbucks, I often find very friendly and interesting people everywhere I go. Many people walk around with blinders on while getting their coffee or even at the gym. I watch some people around me closing themselves off from opportunities to have a spontaneous discussion with strangers. It's too bad because they are really missing out on the human connection. More often though, I find very friendly souls who are just as excited to share some conversation with strangers. You get to find out a little about people's stories, their points of view, or you just share a laugh over something ironic or funny. One time in the sauna, a man liked to do his deep breathing exercises, so loudly that we all thought he was going to work himself into a heart attack. We all laughed and smiled at the distraction. I know that many people complain about the dating web sites but I have met some very intriguing people on there. The goal should not be just about dating but to remain open to just meeting people and perhaps making a friend. There are so many people on those sites looking for companionship, fun, friendship, dating and more. Those sites remind me about how there are so very many people out there searching for basic human connection. Many people do not have anyone to really talk to or to share their hopes and dreams with. That's why, if I'm somewhere and a stranger strikes up a basic discussion, I'll chat for a few minutes or longer, because you just never know what that person is going through. Life really is an experience each and every day. Even though I have my list of places to visit one day like Hawaii, France, Bali and Australia, I find the beauty around me in a sunset, the colors of flowers or in something cute one of my kids observe about life. We're all human and we're on a journey together...kinda shipwrecked on this island we call earth, so why not make it a truly amazing experience.