The Heart of Desire

"How helpless we are, like netted birds, when we are caught by desire!"...(Belva Plain). Desire has been the topic of some of my articles lately and I wanted to dive deeper into what desire is for men and women, particularly when it comes to dating and relationships. What does a woman find desirable? For me it starts with something undefined... A twinkle in his eye mixed with an air of boyish mischievousness. A man that can hold his own in playful exchanges, makes me laugh and wants to please me... whether it's in getting me a glass of wine or stopping at the store to pick up dessert. He's not afraid to give me some attention and enjoys the attention I give him. It also creates desire when I feel as if I'm the only woman he has eyes for while we're together and he's the only man I want to be with in that very moment. My desire list has changed considerably from when I was twenty five. Back then, I gave a lot expecting the same in return. I was always let down and frustrated when that just didn't happen. I needed to grow as a person, learn to love myself more and as I transformed, what I value in a partnership shifted drastically. Each person should define what they want when it comes to attraction and desire, most of which begins with a stirring in the soul. These issues apply to someone dating as well as those in long term relationships. If you cannot decide what you want, how can you attract what you desire. Women often complain to me that they continue to attract the same type of guy....yet they don't see that the type of guy they attract is a hidden reflection of how they really feel they deserve to be treated. I keep repeating this very point but it needs to be said again and again to remind people that you have a say in what you create in your life. When people shift how they feel about themselves...they shift what they attract and what they'll tolerate when it comes to relationships. In general, women I've counseled say that they love when men make them laugh and give them attention. All women, no matter how educated, their age, or how needy or independent they are say they want more attention. I guess that boils down to a woman's desire to be cherished. Women tend to give their partners what they want in return. That is an error and an understandable mistake. Men and women often make that mistake in life. You give what you expect to get. Doesn't work. When men and women can understand each other better, then the gap between the sexes can be bridged. Women should practice receiving more and allow men to tend to their needs. That is often tough for women to do. Men enjoy pleasing a woman and actually feel appreciated and valued when you allow them to do for you, whether it's to change a tire or to take you out to dinner. Men want to feel valued for the things they do. That is how a man shows he cares. Men may not always be good at expressing their emotions verbally but if they take your car to get washed and fill up the tank, they displayed nurturing for you. Men also need to learn that they may desire a woman more when she is less available and somewhat aloof but that does not work in reverse. Women get frustrated and feel neglected when men act aloof. Men had a lot to say too when I asked them about what they desire in a woman. Very few men, whether they are 26 or 46, said it's only about sex and appearance. I was impressed by their candid and honest viewpoints about desire. Sure, some men could only manage to be sarcastic and funny when I asked them about desire. When I asked one guy what makes him desire a woman, he said "ice cream," while another said "10 Virgins." Okay, men aren't always great at verbalizing but overall men told me things like, "Having a woman just making me feel respected and like I'm the only guy in the room." Many men said that they think it's sexy when a woman is clearly comfortable with herself and they value mental stimulation and fun conversation. Most men said that even though sex is always on their mind, they get bored with the bar scenes and one night stands. The men over thirty five told me that they look for chemistry and compatibility, more so then they did when they were younger. Physical appearance seems less important to those men and women over thirty five as well. The consensus seemed to be that looks matter to a point but personality and chemistry are what matters more. A few of the younger guys agreed. Although, overall on the dating websites, the proof is in the profiles. The younger men clearly show off their tight abs and their sex appeal, while the older men talk about their achievements and the security they can offer a woman. As for women, they often show off their looks regardless of age because regardless of what men say, they do like having an attractive woman on their arm. The key is finding the right mix...chemistry, timing, something that just "clicks" or a "spark" and compatibility. Most profiles of the men that I have read stated that "Chemistry is a must." What is chemistry? That is the million dollar question. It differs for absolutely every person and is an invisible energy that attracts people together on a soul level. One man told me that he is tired of attracting needy women who lie to him. Well, upon further analysis, he's insecure and he likes the women who lavish him with lots of attention. The problem is that the girls are insecure too and are giving attention to get him to like them. Once things settle down and the girls get what they want, he realized that they lied to him or misrepresented themselves. That is a good example of how you will get back a reflection of your own insecurities until you recognize the pattern and set out to change it. Once you do, the people you desire shifts as well. In long term relationships, you can shift the dynamic as well with setting out to change the old patterns. Creating desire is especially important in long time unions, so as to not get bored or take each other for granted. So figure out what you desire and what it says about who you are, what you need and what you are attracting. "If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it"...(Brendan Francis).