The Tower

Looking inward is a difficult and emotional process. One reason people fear looking inward is because they have a slight awareness that once you discover the "real" self, you can no longer pretend to the world or to yourself any longer. An honest encounter with your "real" self breaks open the defenses you have been hiding behind. Symbolic of the Tower card in the Tarot deck, the barriers of a false persona and social facades begin to crumble and fall away. Our towers must fall when we change. Change and crisis can shake our very foundation and helps us to release the bondage of outdated beliefs, facades, and confining fears. This is the year of towers falling down to make way for recreating yourself. It is a time of economic crisis, confusion and seeing things more clearly. Many people have been living "false" lives for years and going through the motions. Many are or were living life over extended financially, hiding in big houses, fancy cars and designer labels. Others live life with other facades in unhappy marriages, miserable jobs and such, but denying their real feelings nonetheless. The tower must fall! Often people end up in therapy while their towers are falling. Many want their "old" lives back, even though their old lives were denying them opportunities to reveal their true selves. The tower becomes constricting and needs to fall away periodically to help you grow and shift. The shift does not need to be devastating. The more you fight the inevitable, as the tower is beginning to fall, the more painful the process will be. I have been clear about my process emotionally. As I was going through my own dark night of the soul, my tower was falling. Now as I look around me, my own process has caused other people's towers to fall. We all affect each other profoundly. When you shift, you cause those around you to shift as well. Some will resent you for it, while others will embrace the gift. Either way, growth is necessary and ultimately part of your life plan and fate. I embrace my growth, but have been trying to learn to navigate myself through the mine fields of emotions erupting all around me. When I help people in their own lives, I have witnessed how one person's growth sets off a chain reaction of blame, resentment and fear all around them. When you change, those closest to you often feel "off balance" and try to get you to change back. After that, the emotions tend to escalate as Pandora's box has been opened and those things that have been unsaid or underlying everything begin to erupt. Never allow the fury of the emotional tidal waves to back you up into the old tower. Once the tower has fallen, the old structure can never be the same anyway. The emotional fury is a test and helps you to know that you are on the right path. Just know that it is perfectly normal and that change was necessary, even if the process is trying, painful and exhausting. The journey is not always easy, but as you become more confident in your new self, the emotional bombs others may throw at you, become easier to dodge. "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream"...(Paulo Coelho). "You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen".... (Paulo Coelho).

Coming Home

I went to California last week to visit family. Going back to your home state and familiar surroundings can be comforting as well as thought provoking. I reflected back over my younger years and was able to see everything in a new light. When we change, everything changes. How I view the past has completely shifted. My old perspective of California from my youth had been mostly of pain. The pain of a lonely childhood, the pain of detachment in high school and never feeling good enough, the pain of spiralling out of control in college, and the anger and powerlessness of having been abused, raped and neglected. Sounds pretty bad when I see the written word of what I had experienced throughout the first 25 years on this earth. What I see now in those 25 years are a heck of a lot of lessons in a condensed amount of time. All of those lessons make me who I am. I have spent the last 19 years learning about how those lessons affected me, helping others with their lessons, having children and finally becoming empowered and autonomous. I've been a busy girl! Now when I am in California, I no longer see or feel pain. When I drove through the city where I went to elementary school, I remembered the 6 year old me, fiercely independent and full of spirit, despite the hardships I had at home. I saw glimpses of the 7th grader at my old intermediate school, who loved to win prizes at carnivals and learned to play the flute. As I passed my old high school, I reflected about the girl in me who loved to hang out with friends whenever possible, driving around in a beat up car looking for cute guys. As for college, I remember now the fun I had with sorority sisters, the parties I attended, going sailing and hanging out at the beach. I also met some amazing people throughout all of those years who helped me on my journey and impacted and inspired me in more ways than I can begin to list. My first 25 years are now a reflection of triumph, perseverance, resiliency and the ability to experience healing, joy and forgiveness in the face of pain. My home state is now a place I can return with a sense of peace in my heart and the ability to have a new beginning. The shadows of the past no longer haunt me and I have experienced healing of the past on every level. I suppose that is why it is time to return there, to reconnect with my roots and family, and finally to experience a sense of closure. I embrace the younger me with love and compassion and see incredible strength where there use to be wounds. My true home however is not California, Connecticut or any place outside of me. I had to travel thousands of miles and live in many places to discover that my true home has always been in me all along.....in my heart. "Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey"...(Paulo Coelho -The Alchemist)

Broken Road

There is a song sung by Rascal Flatts called "Bless The Broken Road" which emphasizes how sometimes we have to go through pain, to lead us to the correct path after all. A client recently asked me to write a blog article about divorce. Her exact question, "When do you know when it is the right time to decide to divorce?" The broken road is often a difficult or fractured relationship. It is full of bumps, pain and lots of lessons. Sometimes when you are on a rocky road, you become so use to it that pain becomes your norm. Pain should never be considered normal. Deciding to split up a relationship is complicated and personal. As a child, I witnessed so many divorces, but of course lacked the understanding of the many complexities in relationships. I understand all too well now. When a relationship is continually painful and you find yourself not liking who your mate is or they clearly do not really like or value you, then it might be time to call it quits. "Why waste your time staying with someone obviously wrong for you? Even if you fear being alone, poorer, losing friends and social standing, depriving your children of a caregiver, the unknown, we sincerely doubt that you should stay together"...(Monte Farber & Amy Zerner-The Soulmate Path). Often, you know in your heart that the person you are with may be the wrong person for you, but you struggle to make it work for many of the reasons listed above. Fear keeps people frozen and in bad relationships. The ultimate lesson is to create harmonious, joyful, connected unions. The key is to be with someone you genuinely love and like and to both be connected to making it work. If denial is in place and the union is seriously fractured, then divorce may end up being the inevitable. As I have discussed before, often people create distractions because they are afraid to personally admit how bad their relationship really is. Cheating is one of those distractions. The cheating is the way to scream out, "I'm not happy in my relationship, myself, or both." The relationship is the issue, while the cheating is the distraction. Sometimes the cheating is the way that people can finally admit how unhappy they really are. Sometimes people cheat for other reasons such as fear of intimacy. If a person stays married and becomes a serial cheater, then avoidance has become their norm and more pain will absolutely follow. I understand how difficult it is to end a relationship. I've witnessed countless couples at that point in their lives. The anger, blame, fear and emotional roller coaster hits an all time high. The person who calls it quits is often blamed, while the other spouse seizes the opportunity to be the victim. It always takes two, so to speak and both parties are responsible for why a relationship ends. Everyone has something to learn, and ending a relationship can teach you many valuable lessons. You can only try to force a broken, fractured relationship to continue for so long. If you don't heed the signs that it may be time to end it, then the drama and pain just intensifies. The lessons from the universe are always full of signs at first, hinting and gently prompting you to face the situation. Then the universe progressively sends harsher messages until you are practically hit over the head with it. So if you are even questioning a divorce, I would recommend reflection, paying attention to how you feel and being very honest with yourself about what the other person is showing you in their behavior toward you. Soul searching is always involved. If however, fighting becomes intensified, counseling did not produce positive results and you know that the relationship is over, then fear of ending it is the only obstacle. Life is short and nobody deserves to be unhappy. Remember, unhappy parents does not provide children with security. I have counseled many dysfunctional adults who came from homes where the parents stayed together and never divorced, but were clearly unhappy. Most of the kids and adults I have counseled from divorced homes display resiliency and strength from what they went through. How a divorce is handled can make all of the difference. Children want to see empowered, happy adults....period! Trust your heart and find a way to strive for, create and attract blissful, exciting unions. The broken road is a lesson and can ultimately lead to finding happiness, if you allow the road to illuminate the way. "When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself"...(Paulo Coelho-Eleven Minutes).

Bless The Broken Road lyrics
(Songwriters: Boyd, Bobby C; Hannah, Jeff; Hummon, Marcus;)

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Unwritten

Our stories are unwritten, so it is up to us to be the author our own life. It's like in the movie "Groundhogs Day," when he keeps repeating the same day over and over until he changes his behavior. Once he learns the lesson, the outcome changes and he rewrites his ending. If each day we can remember that what we write, thus how we live reflects what we think, feel and ultimately what we attract. We are the authors of our lives, so each day we can choose to change. People often stay anchored in their outdated stories, replaying their old roles or drama over and over. The gift of transformation and change is to shift out of those stories and redefine your life. Everyone has their stories, their wounds and things they have been through. Some have many battle scars, some have few, but everyone has some wounds from their past. Often people stay anchored in their stories, letting their stories define them. We are all free! There are no limits except those that are self imposed. Those stories are lessons, once you learn the lesson, set yourself free and let the story go. One client labeled herself as "needy and dependant" because of patterns throughout her childhood and adulthood. Those labels were limiting her and keeping her trapped. To author her life, she needed to redefine herself. The labels were behaviors which were reactions to childhood neglect. Her behaviors were actually reflections of her resiliency. She had to survive and cope with neglect, so she found a way to get needs met, but the down side was she ended up in a continuous cycle of neediness. She also always felt abandoned when people left her. She was just repeating childhood issues. To rewrite her story, she needed to have compassion for the needy child within and acknowledge the pain she had been in throughout her childhood. It was a process of rewriting how she viewed herself, until she saw a resilient, strong person who could now change how she proceeded in adulthood. She is now the author of her life, no longer bound by an old story. Reflect on labels you may use to keep yourself trapped. All too often I have a client drag their unwilling spouse or family member to therapy. The resistant person says, "I am who I am, it's too late to change." Other things resistant people say, "I'm too old to change" or "'I've been abused, neglected, wronged, etc., and I will never get over it." Again, people have a choice to take the journey to grow beyond self imposed limitations or to stay firmly anchored in them. Another form of resistance is denial, when old stories trap them but they refuse to acknowledge it. That is until their pain attracts attention because their spouses leave them, their anger or behavior gets them into trouble or they end up with substance abuse problems or worse, they end up suicidal. Shake off those labels, know that change is always possible and that you can choose a different ending. The journey is yours to define and each and every day you can rewrite your story. You are the character in your own novel so let it be a story of lessons, challenges, triumph, change and miracles. Ultimately, be the author of your own life and allow your story to be filled with love. "We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world"....(Buddha).

Follow Your Path

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path"...(Buddha). I posted this quote on Facebook and a friend joked that since I am a therapist, am I trying to put myself out of business. Very funny, but got me thinking. Therapy has it's place and I truly feel incredibly blessed to have the job that I do. However, good therapy should really help the client illuminate what they are really feeling. We all already have the answers inside of us. The problem is when people doubt and question what they already feel internally. In fact, people's feelings can build panic and anxiety because they are afraid to own what they are really feeling. Panic and anxiety become the smoke screen. Sometimes it helps to have an unbiased perspective help sort those feelings out or even better, to understand the root cause for the emotions, the worry of facing one's feelings and to unravel the fears, one by one. The answers are always within however. One man, we'll call him Simon, came to therapy clearly unhappy with his marriage. He knew that his marriage lacked love and connection from the moment they had gotten married but fell into the treadmill of life, continuing forward with no end in sight. Simon had so much fear in fully owning how deeply unhappy he was, felt like a failure for wanting out of his marriage and felt somehow that everyone would be angry with him if he left his wife. This case could sum up many men and women I have counseled over the years. In the process of Simon's therapy, he had to reflect on why he chose this spouse and why ultimately he felt he deserved to be treated so badly. Because he was always an honorable man, he had tried to please a woman whom he could never make happy. That was not his fault, it was a core issue from childhood he brought into the relationship. Simon's wife needed to control and he wanted to please. Like most people, he had also never been taught to fully trust his feelings. In this case, he started therapy already knowing how he felt. Simon already had the answers, but his journey in therapy was to sort out his fears, completely own his feelings and become empowered enough to take action. Everybody brings their core issues into their relationships. The process of therapy is always just reflecting and owning what you already know inside of yourself and becoming more aware of one's own core issues to shift behavior. The therapist helps shed light on one's feelings, clarify patterns and weed out issues you may be too afraid to face or have pushed deep into the subconscious. We have ended up with a society of people so afraid to trust what they are feeling. Feelings are trying to guide you. A therapist steps in to help you gain trust in yourself again and to sort through the various wounds and blocks that have gotten in the way of something so natural....feelings. Another gift of therapy can often just be having someone validate what you are feeling. More often than not, people come in feeling "crazy" and are so relieved to hear that it's okay to own what they are feeling. Buddha was right though, no one can save us except ourselves. Each one of us has to do the work, even if you need a therapist to help decipher the messages your feelings are giving to you. Even therapy can be unhealthy sometimes, if you become overly dependent on someone else giving you the answers all of the time. The journey is to work on gaining trust in oneself, then we can be our own best therapist. We are each on our own path and the world can offer limitless possibilities. Trust that your dream life, your intuition and the layers of your feelings are always trying to wake you up to who you are meant to be and where you are heading. Your divine destiny awaits you, just begin to honor your feelings because they reveal the inner you. If your feelings are of panic, fear and avoidance...then those feelings are a wake-up call to figure out what you are so afraid of. The lessons and journey of discovering your authentic self are numerous and a therapist can be helpful when you are having a difficult time finding your way. The answers are always within you however and once you trust, there is no more fear in discovering what you are feeling. Sometimes there is fear in making the necessary changes in your life to honor those feelings, but to blaze a trail, one must move forward despite your fears. "The entire world is alive with messages and it speaks to us, if we will only listen. Nature reminds us of the abundant beauty present in everyday life"....(M. Farber-The Soulmate Path). It is important to take quiet time every day, to journal or be alone, to contemplate your life and the messages you are being given. "The goal is to be so in harmony with your life's purpose that you will instinctively know which paths to follow from the many that present themselves each day"...(M. Farber-The Soulmate Path). When you are confused, you are more than likely fighting or judging the messages you're being given and are out of sync with trusting your feelings. The fight within needs to be resolved first. Make peace within and follow the signs by listening to your hearts truest desires. Your intuitive self is your best guide. "Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others"...(Buddha).

The Energy of Stuff

It was my oldest son's 10th birthday the other day and he received a bunch more stuff, specifically lots of Lego's and some DS games. When he was four years old, we had a candid discussion about his thoughts about being here. I asked him what he liked about being my son in this lifetime and he said, "I love the stuff." He loves the games, the toys, the technology. I was told when I was pregnant with him, that he is a very old soul. If that is the case, then it sure makes sense that this lifetime is like hitting the jackpot! We all like our stuff, but our things can begin to take over! As I contemplate a move in six or so months, the idea of going through all of my stuff seems daunting and overwhelming. I learned a good lesson 19 years ago however. When I moved to the east coast, I put the contents of my entire life and apartment into a storage unit. I thought I would only stay in NYC for a year, so I had planned to be back in CA. One year later and one year of paying storage fees, I had decided to stay on the east coast and I flew back to CA to clean out that storage unit. Since time had gone by any connection I had to my stuff had been cut, so when I went through everything, I realized that I no longer needed 95% of it and I donated almost all of it to the Goodwill. It was a good lesson for me that we really need very little. We make connections with all of our things because we attach our energy, thus our memories with everything we own. That is why people have such a hard time letting go of the items they accumulate. They are just things. It is so much easier to help a friend clean out a closet or a garage because we have no attachment or connection to their items. We can laugh when they pull out a dress from the 80's or their favorite boots from the 70's and see how silly it is to keep so much stuff. When it is our own however, that energy connection blurs our thinking and we feel we have to hold onto everything. Absolutely not...it's time to clean those cabinets, get rid of the clutter and let things go. How? The memories are within us, therefore we do not have to keep everything that we have ever had, used, loved or even handed down to us. Some people in my clutter clearing class tell me that their biggest problem is letting go of things passed down to them from loved ones who have passed on. Okay, once you handle your emotions about the loss, you keep several of your favorite items from that person, not trunk loads or sometimes a house full of stuff passed down from them. Another issue with things is when people keep items they really don't like, but they were gifts they received. Your home should reflect you and all of the occupants living there so if you do not like something, it should not be there. There is no reason to feel guilty about that, otherwise you are living your life for pleasing others, rather than for yourself. I'm not saying to be rude about it though. You can thank the person for the gift and quietly donate it. One woman from one of my classes joked that she wished her house would burn down, because her clutter was so out of hand! Wow, that is quite a statement. Much better to take responsibility for your stuff and start getting rid of things on your terms. When a neighbor of ours died, her grown kids had to build a shoot form the top floor to a dumpster to get rid of all the stuff she had accumulated. It took four of the largest dumpsters to empty the house out. It was sad because there may have been a few precious items, but because she kept everything, it all seemed like junk at that point and much too overwhelming for the kids to really sort through. How much clutter do you have in your home or spaces? Take accountability for your things and shift the energy in your life. The magic words to live by are based on this acronym....(LIE), if you don't love it, have the intention of using it, and the energy of the item does not lift you up, then what are you doing with it. Don't lie to yourself about items you are no longer using, needing or even care about. Be very clear with your emotions and honest with yourself when clutter clearing. Also use those magic words when you are shopping, to begin reducing the amount of clutter you bring into the home. No more mindless shopping! Hey, I teach the class and I am a work in progress. It takes time and energy to go through your stuff but definitely worth the effort. As for my move, I plan to donate a lot of items and make my kids really reduce the amounts of stuff they bring to CA with them. Be mindful that your junk can be someone else's treasure, so get things back into the universe by donating things to charities or sell it at garage or tag sales. Don't just toss usable items in the trash, when those things can be recycled by giving them to a worthy cause. Also, our homes should reflect the balance of nature and way too much stuff creates a stagnated or blocked energy. No clutter however can feel sterile and controlled, so having a little clutter can help a home feel lived in. Overall, have fun clearing your clutter, I know I will. Always remember that you can't take it with you, so living life is much more rewarding then holding onto so much stuff.

The Journey of Motherhood

Some time after my son was born an intuitive, energy healer gave me a message about a soul that would be my next child, a daughter. The message was that I needed to get my own issues straightened out about raising a daughter in today's society. That message really got to me. Although I had logged in countless hours of my own therapy and was then practicing as a therapist....I had concerns about having a daughter. I knew that I would have to really process my own issues fully about being a female in a society that does not always value women. My first concern was that I have counseled many hundreds of women and approximately 80% of them have been raped by people they knew, boyfriends, spouses, family members, dates, friends and classmates. The national statistic is that one in four women will be raped in their lifetime, but since most go unreported, that statistic is much, much higher. Unfortunately, I too fall in the 80%. Knowing all of that, I wanted to be sure that I could raise a daughter to be strong, stand up for herself and to defend herself when needed. We need to raise women to be more assertive and to be their own person, not to always be accommodating, polite and taking care of others. Second, I wanted to come to terms with valuing fully what it means to be a female, so that I could teach her to really value herself. Onward I went, to work on valuing myself more in preparation for a daughter. It was the start of discovering how amazing it is to be a woman but realizing that we all receive so many messages that devalue women. The lessons continued until I conceived and delivered a healthy baby girl, Taylor. We named her Taylor because her soul felt very strong and she needed a more gender neutral name. Little did I know that the lessons she would teach me would far exceed anything I could have ever imagined. She came out of the womb head strong and determined. She was no wall flower, even as an infant. She cried loudly until she got what she wanted and needed to be held the first 9 months of her life. That is until she could walk, since she skipped crawling altogether. She hated dresses and still does, although I can bribe her if absolutely necessary. Now at six, she's a determined, spirited little girl who is a tomboy through and through. She hates to comb her hair, thus she begged to have it cut short. She loves skater or surf board t-shirts with baggy jeans and has a style all her own. She is loud, gets excited, yes even sassy, but she is a big personality in a little body. I realized early on that if I just allowed her to be herself, she would be self-confident and she is. I don't try to make her into a princess or into an image I project. I honor all of my kids own style and let them show me who they really are. At first I admit, I had to catch myself wanting to dress her in my style, or wanting to correct her when she behaved differently then I did as a child. I also noticed others looking at how she dressed and people sometimes assuming she was a boy. She doesn't mind, so why should I. Taylor taught me that all I had to do was to let her be herself and in the process I grew to honor truly being myself more and more each day. Shouldn't we all just bask in the glory of who we are? Taylor does. I no longer worry about raising a girl. I learned that in honoring the feminine in me, she will honor it in herself. "She (a Mother) teaches her daughters to respect their feminine nature. She teaches her sons to respect their feminine side and thus all women"...(V. McClure, The Tao of Motherhood). I will guide all of my children through life's challenges by teaching them first and foremost to trust themselves. I will also always be there when needed as a supportive presence, loving them but allowing them to learn their own lessons. "Avoid pushing too hard. Your children are full of spirit and will find their own way. Their true parent resides within them; you are only a reflection. Mothers who constantly interfere-who push and challenge, who lecture and berate-think they are molding their children into good citizens. In fact, they are destroying confidence and inviting scorn. Know when to intervene and how. Do it with gentleness, firmness, swiftness, and respect. And then release the child to the Way"...(V. McClure, The Tao of Motherhood).

Saying Good-bye

"The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye"...(Jimi Hendrix). "Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos"...(Snoopy-Peanuts cartoons). When I first told my son that we would probably move back to California in less than a year, he cried. He cried for about a half hour or so, telling me how sad he felt to leave his school and his friends. He said he'd miss Connecticut and tried a little bargaining, asking if we could stay two more years. Finally, he surrendered and said he was sad but started asking questions about where we'd move, his new school, etc. As days and weeks passed, he told people about the move and talked about things that he was looking forward to. He still gets sad about his friends but looks forward to e-mailing them and visiting CT in the summers. His response has been so appropriate and healthy. We discussed how he can talk to me anytime about his feelings and that he'd probably feel sad once we actually move. As with any good-bye in life, we should ideally process the sadness of loss as well as what there is to look forward to. That is why saying good-bye can often feel overwhelming with mixed emotions. Okay, now I need to take the therapist hat off and speak from the heart about good-byes. I suck at them! Yeah, I can talk the talk, but walking the walk is an entirely different story. A client recently reminded me of this indirectly. Once he heard that I was moving, he got angry with me and does not want to come back to sessions. He reminded me of how I too have avoided good-byes throughout my life. Many people have a difficult time with this issue as well. Hey it's a lot easier to handle a good-bye if you are numb, run away, avoid it or get angry at the person. I know first hand. I have had many good-byes since my birth. During my childhood, I just learned to numb through them, probably appearing on the outside that I was so strong and handling things well. Yep, I was good at looking strong on the outside, yet crumbling on the inside. The biggest transition of my life was 19 years ago when I made that move from California to NYC. I would not allow myself to feel the enormity of the move. There were very special people to me that I could not bring myself to say good-bye to, yet I was very confused and sad that they would not say good-bye to me. That was the pot calling the kettle black, so to speak! I was more insecure then, so my pride kept me from reaching out. It also taught me a valuable lesson, that you should not judge how people handle loss. My assumption back then, "well they must not care about me at all." That could not be more false and reflected how my own pain blurred my vision on this issue. So many years later, when my client refuses to come back to sessions, I know all too well how much pain he is really in. Instead of taking it personally or thinking he does not care, it is really the exact opposite. The more we avoid a good-bye the more we care! I too also struggled saying good-bye to my own therapist, many years ago. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had three months to live. I said good-bye and thank you to him on the phone, but was too overwhelmed to go see him in person to say good-bye. I regret that action now. I knew I would have been a mess though and should have gone anyway. He had been more than a therapist to me, he had also been a mentor and helped coach me through grad school. He allowed me the space to process saying good-bye in the only way I could handle at the time and I thank his spirit occasionally for that. He taught me well though, guiding me through my own maze of emotions. I will be forever grateful to him! Now I am on the precipice of a lot of good-byes as we plan a move back to California. This time however, I am allowing myself the room to feel it fully. My son reminded me of the power of just feeling sad, yet looking at the things to look forward to. I guess I taught him well....but the teacher can also learn from the student. I am a pro at guiding everyone through losses but still have so much to learn myself. Often we just avoid good-byes because we don't want to face our feelings that go with it. Change is inevitable but losses teach every one of us that the process of life is ever changing. Sometimes we have the power to stop it and other times we simply do not. However the good-bye is presented to you be aware of how you handle it. Reflect on past good-byes because you too may have run away instead of really facing how you were feeling. My move 19 years ago as well as my many years as a therapist dealing with losses have taught me to express myself better, not judge others in how they handle their good-byes and to hopefully navigate myself and my children through the various layers of emotions in saying good-bye. "Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it"....(Trey Parker).