Saying Good-bye

"The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye"...(Jimi Hendrix). "Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos"...(Snoopy-Peanuts cartoons). When I first told my son that we would probably move back to California in less than a year, he cried. He cried for about a half hour or so, telling me how sad he felt to leave his school and his friends. He said he'd miss Connecticut and tried a little bargaining, asking if we could stay two more years. Finally, he surrendered and said he was sad but started asking questions about where we'd move, his new school, etc. As days and weeks passed, he told people about the move and talked about things that he was looking forward to. He still gets sad about his friends but looks forward to e-mailing them and visiting CT in the summers. His response has been so appropriate and healthy. We discussed how he can talk to me anytime about his feelings and that he'd probably feel sad once we actually move. As with any good-bye in life, we should ideally process the sadness of loss as well as what there is to look forward to. That is why saying good-bye can often feel overwhelming with mixed emotions. Okay, now I need to take the therapist hat off and speak from the heart about good-byes. I suck at them! Yeah, I can talk the talk, but walking the walk is an entirely different story. A client recently reminded me of this indirectly. Once he heard that I was moving, he got angry with me and does not want to come back to sessions. He reminded me of how I too have avoided good-byes throughout my life. Many people have a difficult time with this issue as well. Hey it's a lot easier to handle a good-bye if you are numb, run away, avoid it or get angry at the person. I know first hand. I have had many good-byes since my birth. During my childhood, I just learned to numb through them, probably appearing on the outside that I was so strong and handling things well. Yep, I was good at looking strong on the outside, yet crumbling on the inside. The biggest transition of my life was 19 years ago when I made that move from California to NYC. I would not allow myself to feel the enormity of the move. There were very special people to me that I could not bring myself to say good-bye to, yet I was very confused and sad that they would not say good-bye to me. That was the pot calling the kettle black, so to speak! I was more insecure then, so my pride kept me from reaching out. It also taught me a valuable lesson, that you should not judge how people handle loss. My assumption back then, "well they must not care about me at all." That could not be more false and reflected how my own pain blurred my vision on this issue. So many years later, when my client refuses to come back to sessions, I know all too well how much pain he is really in. Instead of taking it personally or thinking he does not care, it is really the exact opposite. The more we avoid a good-bye the more we care! I too also struggled saying good-bye to my own therapist, many years ago. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had three months to live. I said good-bye and thank you to him on the phone, but was too overwhelmed to go see him in person to say good-bye. I regret that action now. I knew I would have been a mess though and should have gone anyway. He had been more than a therapist to me, he had also been a mentor and helped coach me through grad school. He allowed me the space to process saying good-bye in the only way I could handle at the time and I thank his spirit occasionally for that. He taught me well though, guiding me through my own maze of emotions. I will be forever grateful to him! Now I am on the precipice of a lot of good-byes as we plan a move back to California. This time however, I am allowing myself the room to feel it fully. My son reminded me of the power of just feeling sad, yet looking at the things to look forward to. I guess I taught him well....but the teacher can also learn from the student. I am a pro at guiding everyone through losses but still have so much to learn myself. Often we just avoid good-byes because we don't want to face our feelings that go with it. Change is inevitable but losses teach every one of us that the process of life is ever changing. Sometimes we have the power to stop it and other times we simply do not. However the good-bye is presented to you be aware of how you handle it. Reflect on past good-byes because you too may have run away instead of really facing how you were feeling. My move 19 years ago as well as my many years as a therapist dealing with losses have taught me to express myself better, not judge others in how they handle their good-byes and to hopefully navigate myself and my children through the various layers of emotions in saying good-bye. "Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it"....(Trey Parker).