Love is simple but emotions complicate things. I think if we just loved and made sure every day that we are impeccable with giving love and receiving love, we’d have fewer misunderstandings. But, we are all complicated human beings. We each come with our set of hurts, betrayals, wounds, perceptions, These are the things that couples ultimately fight about and why couples have misunderstandings. Here are some things that I’ve learned along the way that can help a couple navigate the murky waters of emotions:
1. Be careful with texts and e-mails. Without hearing the intonations of the other person's voice, texts/e-mails can be so easily misperceived. I’m often baffled and surprised when I hear someone’s interpretation of one of my texts. I knew what I meant... and assumed they did too. We all do that. But, the other person reads our words and hears something totally different. If you have a long-distance relationship, it’s imperative to make sure you both set aside time to speak or face time on the phone to keep the misunderstandings to a minimum.
2. If you are going through a time of separation for any reason (work, schedules, travel), write a love letter to each other and read it occasionally, especially when the distance is taking its toll. Because we all have our wounds and defenses, when there is a physical distance between a couple, insecurities and fears start to pop up. A letter is something tangible to help you remember the love the other has for you. The problem with texts is that they are fleeting and maybe your love texted something sweet a week ago... but that’s out of sight so many days later. Since relationships are like plants... they need watering, one week without loving texts starts to wither the vines, but a letter is the safety to read when you are feeling a bit detached. It’s your reminder that you are both invested in each other and the relationship to want to make sure the other knows their love for you, and they don’t doubt your love for them. A simple letter can help.
3. Relationships have three categories: that help create a loving connection. Couples spend time together, talk on the phone (or Face Time) and text/e-mail. The best way to create a stronger bond is to set aside some time for each other. Turn off phones (even for a little bit) and be present with one another. When life gets busy, of course, calls and Face Time are second best. Hearing each other’s voices tends to bring each person back into alignment with the energy between them. Calls are important to keep the connection strong. Texting/e-mails as stated earlier should be used cautiously. Of course, texts are a great way to flirt and to let each other know you are thinking about each other. Texts and e-mails are a great quick way to stay connected. The important thing is to check in with each other to see what each other needs. If you are each giving 100%, you’ll want to know what makes your partner feel good (daily calls, occasional calls, etc).
4. If the relationship is going through a tough patch, due to outside stressors or distance, I suggest keeping a journal. Brainstorm how you can express your emotions during a difficult time in a relationship.
5. Let yourself be loved. The biggest barrier to relationships is that people fear the one thing they want the most. Most don’t even realize the unconscious blocks they put up nor do they recognize the avoidance tactics they use to keep from being loved. This one takes time to understand your own defenses and insecurities. Even the most secure person can feel insecure when they are in love because being I love means being vulnerable. That’s the beauty of being in love... feeling like you are falling off a cliff over and over. It’s scary but oh so exciting all at the same time.
6. Love (and live) with abandon. If fears and insecurities pop up.. move through them, feel them, then love with abandon and repeat cycle over and over until “love with abandon” is the only thing left. Eventually, your fears and insecurities will melt away. Love is simple... but our emotions are not. Love can be peaceful and calm and yet love can make us feel like we are losing our minds. Love is worth leaping off the cliff... just buckle up though because love is a bumpy ride in self-awareness if you allow it to be. So much can be learned about oneself when you fall in love, so enjoy the ride.
