Believe in Yourself

There is an 80's song by Pebbles called "Mercedes." It was very popular at the time and is a sexual song about taking the guy for a ride in her Mercedes. I like the analogy though for the girl being the Mercedes. If more women treated themselves like a Mercedes, more men would treat them that way too. Women need to stop running around catering to men who behave badly. Women see what they want to see in men, not what is really presented in front of them. Believe me, I have been super guilty of doing this myself. If women stop giving, convincing, and chasing to instead pay closer attention, they'd see very quickly that more often than not, some of those partnerships they are in, just don't appreciate them. Through the years I have seen countless examples of very angry women who finally hit their boiling point after many years of bending over backwards for the men they love. You see, as women, we give to others what we want in return. I also know quite a few nurturing men who have also been taken for granted by selfish partners! I have to say that originally, I wrote this article with a define tilt toward women. I have met so many nurturing men however, whom were steam rolled by selfish women. Needless to say, all relationships, heterosexual/gay/lesbian, can have this dynamic happen to them, so I'm shifting the focus to call those who give, nurturers. Nurturers play nice, do sweet things for others and will drop everything to help someone in need. Many partners however, do not play by those rules. When I talk with the men and women who acted selfishly, they are often shocked as to why their spouses are so upset. Some of them gladly allowed their spouses to cater to them, getting defensive when their partners can't take it anymore. This can happen early on in a relationship, establishing a pattern that carries on for years. Some of the partners are genuinely upset when they realize that their marriages may be over at that point, but some couples just cannot recover. The selfish men and women often feel entitled to demand excessively and have no shame in giving little in return. Selfish people will often defend their right to be selfish to the bitter end. This is a wake up call for all of you nice, nurturing women and men. Give the extra nurturing you have to people who will appreciate you. If you aren't being treated fairly, set needed boundaries and certainly end things if your partner refuses to be respectful. As for selfish partners, they don't really need you to bend over backwards for them but they'll gladly let you do all of the work at home or in the relationship if you think that you are suppose to. As a society, we girls (and some boys) are raised to take care of others and make sure everyone is happy. More often than not, we witnessed mothers catering to husbands and brothers, but some have witnessed their dads catering to their moms. I have watched men and women from every walk of life do ridiculous things for their partners. The over doing it includes: buying piles of presents for them on every holiday, running around town to find their mates favorite foods, cooking 4 course meals and on and on. It's great when couples do considerate things for each other.....but the key words there are "for each other." The more you give, the more you should receive, but relationships with selfish people do not follow those guidelines. Selfish people take, take and take more, then get mad at you no matter how much you give. Nurturers sell themselves short when it comes to partnerships and begin feeling under appreciated when their partners start taking all of those sweet behaviors for granted. They will appreciate you more when you do less. Truly selfish people get mad at you when you do less, but that's a warning sign that you are in a no win situation! This imbalance in relationships only gets worse when children are involved because these nurturers give every ounce of themselves to everyone else and have nothing left for themselves. Why are so many men and women allowing this destructive cycle? Why are so many selfish people soaking up all of the care taking while their partners are exhausted, crying, frazzled and desperately needing help? Is it any wonder that many relationships often get to a point when they no longer see their mates as sexually attractive, they view them more like their children. Why are nurturers perpetuating this cycle by continuing to reward bad behavior? If your child throws a plate of food on the floor, do you say, "It's okay sweetie, I'll make you another one." Oh sure, those partners may be cursing their spouses under their breath but they do not halt the behavior. Let's rewind to the beginning. Usually you can see the dynamic beginning to build during the dating process, but not always. More often than not, selfish people hide their selfishness until they've got you hooked! Do not cater to a partners every whim while you are dating and certainly, be aware of the wolf in sheep's clothing possibility. Self respect and self esteem are the key concepts here. The more you value yourself, the more you will attract a partner that values you. The relationship dynamic should be one of reciprocal give and take. If you are giving and they are taking, then the balance is already off. At that point, pull back and give nothing until the balance is restored. If the partner refuses to do anything once you pull back, then you received the answer you needed, that they'll only take. That should be your cue to leave the relationship. Some partners will step up and correct the imbalance once you let them know through your behavior that you will not be allowing it any more. Often those people grew up in homes where they saw one parent catering to the other and they thought that was normal. There needs to be a new normal because I witness this destructive pattern all of the time. Nurturers need to improve their self worth to value themselves enough to set much needed limits, to allow partners to do for themselves and to never allow others to treat them badly. No relationship is worth your self respect. You should also never feel "lucky" to have a relationship, you should always feel worthy and happy to have found each other. Selfish partners need to work on their self esteem too. Some need to address why they have anger problems, end up detached from their children or would treat partners they say they "love" terribly. Get ready for this one.... you are number one! I certainly don't mean it in a selfish way...I just mean that you have to take care of yourself. Selfish people often run with this concept and say.."But my therapist says that I'm justified in feeling this way and you should do more for me!" Selfish people need to take some ownership of their selfishness and sacrifice for others more. They are the toughest to rehabilitate though because it's never their problem or their fault, while the nurturers blame themselves easily. Regardless of the brainwashing you have been told, you should come first in front of everyone else. Of course our children are often first, but I've learned that caring for myself (eating right, exercising, etc) benefits my children too. I am a nurturer and it's just who I am, however, I am not a bitter nurturer anymore. I do take care of me every day and often, I will still help others. I just know when to walk away now. I don't ever regret giving to people who acted badly. I took the high road, but I end friendships now (and will end any type of relationship) if I see that the person will only take and plans to harm me emotionally. I hear so many nurturers say they feel "selfish" about putting themselves on the list, let alone first. You have to take care of yourself, otherwise you have nothing left for anyone else and you leave yourself in harms way of someone who does not respect your feelings. I'm not saying that you have to be mean, nasty or self centered about it, just make yourself a priority. You will respect yourself more for it and so will your partners. If your relationship shatters because you take care of yourself, then the relationship wasn't worth hanging onto. Relationships, friendships, and families need to get back to partnerships where people respect one another and work together. Take care of yourself, find yourself and show others that you value who you are. More importantly, guide some of that wonderful nurturing back onto yourself. Nurturers...you've been believing in others your entire life.....it's time to believe in you!

Love

I originally wrote this blog article on 10/21/09, a little over five years ago. This is one of my favorite articles because of course it is all about love and truly exemplifies the essence of who I am. I have gone through so much over the past five years and have grown in more ways than I ever imagined. The journey of love starts with yourself. I have had to do some serious soul searching each and every day, to discover the wonder of what love is really all about. I have shed tears over love, dreamt, hoped and wondered about love. I just live each day knowing that love is a feeling and it can be felt whether you are near or far from those you love. Love is far from rational and defies all laws of physics. Some days I struggle with pain, bitterness, despair and apathy but I don't allow it for long since love somehow finds a way to shine thru and jolt me out of the pain. Love is the only thing that makes any sense in this world.. So I choose love.

"All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love"…(Leo Tolstoy). Love is the energy of the heart. It is expansive, endless, can heal and be felt to the depth of one's soul. There are numerous sayings about love: Love can move mountains; The power of love; Love heals all wounds and; Love makes the world go round. I say to my kids often, "I love you as big as the world, the universe and beyond." Love is all encompassing and mirrors the beauty of our souls. Love feels like listening to the most delightful song, when every cell of your body feels alive. Love helps us feel connected to humanity, the earth, every living creature, and to all that is. Love allows us to see the wonder of life and nurtures hope. When you no longer need the fortress to hide behind, love lights the way and illuminates your path. Love is unconditional and knows no bounds. Love seems to be felt more deeply from learning and experiencing the lessons of loss and pain. Regarding loving yourself, the line in the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" says it best when the author journals to herself, "I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you." Love is the biggest inspiration for poetry, movies, art and music. Here are some inspiring quotes about love: "I believe that love cannot be bought except with love"...(John Steinbeck): "A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge"...(Thomas Carlyle): "Brief is life but love is long"...(Alfred Lord Tennyson): "He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes"...(Buddha): "We can do no great things; only small things with great love"...(Mother Teresa): "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet"...(Plato): and of course the ever famous, "All you need is love"...(John Lennon & Paul McCartney). I also like Lucy's quote from the Peanuts cartoons, "All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! (Charles M. Schulz)." Love is being open and gloriously, willingly vulnerable. Love is the dream that never ends, for it imprints everything and everyone in it's path and never fades. Love is always worth any risk because loving now is the ultimate gift to yourself and others. Ultimately, you'll never regret loving but you will regret it if you don't let your love flow freely, without limits or restrictions. So, open your heart, follow your heart and let yourself love.

The Heart of Attraction

The issue of attraction has come up recently because a divorced client asked me how she goes about dating again and what she should look for this time around. In answering that question, I have to address another aspect of relationships between the sexes. Why is it that there seems to be some truth to the statement "nice guys/girls finish last." There are books out there like "The Rules," "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Why Men Love Bitches." These book titles say it all. Let's dive into this issue a bit more. I have counseled many men and in fact, more men then I ever imagined married women who were not very nice to them. The same goes for the women. I have counseled numerous smart, confident women who married men who may have been a fun challenge while they were dating but turned out to be guys who became abusive, aloof and self centered. Are men and women really marrying people they could "win" over versus being in love? Yes, it happens all the time. In addition, since so many people fear vulnerability, they attract partners who will keep them at a distance. The "chase" becomes the substitution for intimacy. How can men and women create some mystery in dating without outright pursuing people absolutely wrong for them. Hey, if someone enjoys being treated poorly and it works for them, then that's their choice. Sometimes however, people become confused and manipulated by the dating game. I've heard guys tell me that they loved the chase and that they married the girl who made them work for it. I've been told how those women stood them up on dates, played indifferent, kept them on the edge and were just plain selfish. The men however did not think things through and 10-20 years later, they end up miserable with these women because the leopard never changed its spots and what seemed attractive in the beginning turns into couples at war with one another. The same goes for the women who liked the guys who didn't seem that into them. Those women worked hard to win the guys over and they may have married them but equally end up resentful, taken for granted and upset that they were sold a bill of goods. Guess it shows that nice men and women sell themselves short and go for the challenge without first assessing whether there is true compatibility or whether the other person has "heart." What seems appealing about a guy cancelling a date to hang out with the guys? The chase makes that appealing but years later it's not so appealing when that same guy won't help out around the house and is nowhere in sight when you need him the most. The same can be said for the woman who seems confident and self assured while dating and ends up controlling, making her husband run in circles doing everything while she complains endlessly. Happily ever after certainly does not end up to be what happens. Chemistry is important too but so often people mistake the chase as chemistry when it is just the challenge of chasing something that seems alusive. With age comes more knowledge of life and of yourself and being able to assess the "not so nice" a lot easier. So, how do nice men and women find one another? Go for chemistry, heart and yes, a little chase is fine. Just don't be fooled by the nasty or selfish people in disguise because I have watched many people go down that route and it doesn't end well. Never lose yourself in a relationship. The biggest mistake I've watched men and women do again and again is to hand all of their power over to their partner. That doesn't end well either for both people. Both partners in that scenario end up resentful and angry at one another, especially if one refuses to participate in the unhealthy dynamic any further. Unless both people can recover from the imbalance and grow together, it usually ends up in estrangement or divorce. Never take a partnership for granted! Once you slip into cruise control in a relationship, don't be surprised when you end up with a broken down relationship or a ten car pile-up. Keep the integrity of who you are and allow each other the space to grow. Never be mean and nasty to one another, let alone disrepectful. If you discover terrible behavior early on from your partner, don't laugh it off. Try to discuss the problems in a relationship but if the disrespectful behavior continues.....run! Keep the romance and lust alive but remember that intimacy can really only happen between equals. If there is a power struggle in the relationship or lack of respect, then intimacy suffers. Don't forgo date night because you are too tired. Surprise one another and treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. Again, if you are doing all of the work and your partner is the one on cruise control, don't feel too guilty about calling it quits if they refuse to participate in the partnership. Freedom is key too. Each person should feel fully free to be in the partnership, even if they stay together the rest of their lives. Once you feel trapped, nagged, controlled and as if you are "doing time" you are in trouble. The bright side is that I am watching people come out of terrible marriages finally discovering who they are and what they want. They are attracting better suited people for their temperment and discovering how they can learn from their mistakes. There really is no such thing as a mistake, only more lessons and an opportunity to grow the most from learning the hard way. Back to how to date after a divorce. Learn from the past and remember that you don't need a partner to make you happy. Make yourself happy and attract someone you can have fun with and take it one day at a time. Follow your heart first and foremost and have a bit of an edge, just to keep them guessing but be genuine and comfortable with who you are. The "Ice Queens" and "Jerks" may have won the battle but they have not won the war, so never compromise the "nice" in you, just learn how to play the game a bit.

Two Hearts

While on a road trip to Lake Tahoe last week, a song started playing on the radio called, "Two is Better Than One." It is a touching song about love and it made me smile. In the meanwhile, some quotes have really resonated with me this week about love. “Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable”...(Dr. Joyce Brothers). Love can teach us the most about ourselves. Love is a journey and requires the utmost ability to let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Love can't be manipulated. That's not love, that's control and dependency. To learn about love, one generally has to go through learning about your defenses. With insight and wisdom comes the ability to see the other more clearly, not clouded with projections and misperceptions. Even with loving others, they may not be able to reciprocate that love for a variety of reasons. You can love them anyway. I counsel so many people who are in love with others but become frustrated when the other person is not able to show that love in return. "Love is patient, love is kind" as the passage from the bible so eloquently states. Sometimes in honoring yourself and in loving others, you may have to let someone go. As another famous quote states, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were"...(Richard Bach). In researching the quote by Richard Bach, I found another inspiring quote by him: “A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.” I've been contemplating love lately on my hikes. I remember my first crush. I was in the eighth grade and I was completely heartbroken (with tears streaming down my face) when I watched him dance with another girl at the 8th grade dance. Forget about the fact that he did not even know that I was alive. I had secretly hoped that he would ask me to dance anyway. It hurt nonetheless and I got my first dose of pain associated with caring for someone. I did get my wish however, five years later. He finally noticed that I was indeed alive and asked me to dance. If my memory serves me correctly, I may have even gotten kissed. Patience, patience, patience! During my high school years, I was again very dedicated in my crushes. Those crushes were safe because they required no vulnerability on my part. As I have learned through the years, vulnerability is the price of love, but worth the admission. The true key is two people willing to be vulnerable and take the risk at the same time. Otherwise, loving is still worth it but the timing may be off. Everyone has their lessons to learn and often love tastes all the sweeter after some sour (heartbreak and loss) has occurred. Regarding love, I think Richard Bach said it best with this quote, “True love stories never have endings." Be willing to be vulnerable.....take risks in love and open your heart because love can transform a wounded heart into one that can illuminate limitless possibilities.

Love and Loss

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"...(Kahlil Gibran). I have counseled many individuals who have gone through losses of people they have loved. Lately though, I have come across quite a few individuals who lost the loves of their life. I have talked about losses in divorces and split ups, but in those losses, individuals still had the choice to separate. In divorces, people split apart to learn, grow and develop in different directions and there is the optimism in finding love again. We all have seen the movies where true love reigns and people who are truly meant to be together, grow old with one another. What happens though in life when people find their "heart mate," that one person who really seems to be their other half and one partner dies unexpectedly? Love always finds a way but with that type of loss, one person is left feeling as if half of their heart is missing. That kind of love is envied by all and what many are really searching for. In life though, there are never guarantees about how much time heart mates will have together. That is why the gift of sharing that type of love is to be cherished and valued. Even one year or one month of that type of love can be worth a life time, if that is all the time the couple has with one another. Better to have spent that time together than to have missed out on that type of gift. The sadness and challenge though is for the surviving partner to find the will to live after that type of loss. No one can replace the lost love. One man told me after he lost his "true love," that people at the funeral told him, "You're still young-you'll find someone else." People mean well but that type of loss is so incredibly profound that "someone else" offers no comfort for the bereaved. Another woman told me that she still feels her husband's energy with her, everywhere she goes. She felt that she had found that one person who really understood her and loved her anyway. She says that life is a struggle without him because she and her mate had laughed at the same things and balanced each other perfectly. All of the surviving heart mates have told me that even with incredible love for one another, fighting was occasional and necessary but that their fighting was not purposefully mean or disrespectful. All relationships still require effort, even with a heart mate. Heart mates seem to make it all seem easier however because they are able to connect on a deeper level. The journey of loss is a difficult one, especially when people have found that kind of heart connection. The lesson is having the courage to embrace that type of union. Sometimes people have found their heart mates but are still too guarded to handle the union. Love is still experienced, even if people are not able to be together. There are many lessons either way. The courage in loving is in risking and as the famous saying goes, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." That quote is from a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson: "I hold it true, what e'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I know that there are no amount of words that can offer someone comfort who has faced that type of loss. Their journey is in finding a way to heal their heart by carrying reflections of their loved one with them in who they are, for in experiencing that type of love, you are changed forever. Their love is reflected in your memories and in the very essence of who you became from being loved and loving them. Love is always with you, even when one person leaves this life. Not even death can take it away. For whatever reasons, some younger people have crossed over recently, leaving their heart mates in deep sorrow. The journey for those individuals will be challenging, as they attempt to carry the "other" with them as they move forward and live their lives. I have watched as they have struggled even getting out of bed some days. There will be occasional dark days, filled with gut wrenching tears, anger and questioning but the process of experiencing those feelings honors the love they shared with their mate. Love finds a way in life and in loss. You just have to believe in your heart that there is higher purpose to everything that happens. Love can help you learn and it can help you heal. "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived"...(Margaret Mitchell). "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost"...(G. K. Chesterton). “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love”...(Washington Irving).