Coming Home

I went to California last week to visit family. Going back to your home state and familiar surroundings can be comforting as well as thought provoking. I reflected back over my younger years and was able to see everything in a new light. When we change, everything changes. How I view the past has completely shifted. My old perspective of California from my youth had been mostly of pain. The pain of a lonely childhood, the pain of detachment in high school and never feeling good enough, the pain of spiralling out of control in college, and the anger and powerlessness of having been abused, raped and neglected. Sounds pretty bad when I see the written word of what I had experienced throughout the first 25 years on this earth. What I see now in those 25 years are a heck of a lot of lessons in a condensed amount of time. All of those lessons make me who I am. I have spent the last 19 years learning about how those lessons affected me, helping others with their lessons, having children and finally becoming empowered and autonomous. I've been a busy girl! Now when I am in California, I no longer see or feel pain. When I drove through the city where I went to elementary school, I remembered the 6 year old me, fiercely independent and full of spirit, despite the hardships I had at home. I saw glimpses of the 7th grader at my old intermediate school, who loved to win prizes at carnivals and learned to play the flute. As I passed my old high school, I reflected about the girl in me who loved to hang out with friends whenever possible, driving around in a beat up car looking for cute guys. As for college, I remember now the fun I had with sorority sisters, the parties I attended, going sailing and hanging out at the beach. I also met some amazing people throughout all of those years who helped me on my journey and impacted and inspired me in more ways than I can begin to list. My first 25 years are now a reflection of triumph, perseverance, resiliency and the ability to experience healing, joy and forgiveness in the face of pain. My home state is now a place I can return with a sense of peace in my heart and the ability to have a new beginning. The shadows of the past no longer haunt me and I have experienced healing of the past on every level. I suppose that is why it is time to return there, to reconnect with my roots and family, and finally to experience a sense of closure. I embrace the younger me with love and compassion and see incredible strength where there use to be wounds. My true home however is not California, Connecticut or any place outside of me. I had to travel thousands of miles and live in many places to discover that my true home has always been in me all along.....in my heart. "Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey"...(Paulo Coelho -The Alchemist)