It's So Complicated

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher"...(Socrates). "Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage"...(Sydney J. Harris). I've observed countless couples throughout my life, both in my family system and as a therapist. As an observer, I never understood the complexities involved in a relationship, until I became a participant and then a therapist. As a participant, I went through many varied lessons in each relationship I was involved in and with each lesson, I gradually understood that fears are often the main road block to having healthier connections. The fears are deeply rooted in ones self esteem causing defenses and barriers. As a therapist, I have a private front row seat into peoples lives and thus get invited in to hear the most intimate details about the walls people construct for protection. Counseling couples is kinda like being a referee. I should get a whistle and wear a striped shirt because it can get pretty brutal in sessions sometimes. There is usually so much information couples want to get on the table that sessions almost always go past the hour. I swear, in some cases, I could spend 8 hours straight with a couple and probably barely make a dent in the complex emotions involved in being a couple. There is a very funny movie starring Meryl Streep called, "It's Complicated." I saw it in the theatres originally and it made me laugh so hard. Essentially it is about a couple who had been divorced for many years who find themselves entangled into a love affair with one another. The movie really touches on the reality that relationships are absolutely complicated. Art imitates life as we know. My grandmother married my grandfather twice...after both of them had married other people, they somehow found themselves back with each other at some point. Now that I'm older, I certainly understand how there is so much to relationships and matters of the heart. When I was younger, I didn't understand how my grandmother married the same man twice, yet now I totally get it. This issue is a continuation of the subject about revisiting old relationships. Marriage is not easy and when you add the complications of life, kids, immaturity, childhood emotional wounds and defenses....it's no wonder that many marriages fall apart. I certainly know that when I look back to when I walked down the isle, I had rose colored glasses on when it came to how to make a marriage work. I was too insecure to set needed boundaries and even though I was a therapist, I still lacked emotional strength to express my feelings effectively. I have learned so much about myself and relationships over the past 20 something years and all I can say now is that often people just don't appreciate what they have until it's gone. With that said, sometimes the best lessons happen when you lose everything. I've spoken to many divorced men over the past six months and many of them have discussed in detail how they truly didn't fully appreciate their former spouses when they had the chance and regret some of their actions and behaviors. Also in counseling so many people throughout the years, I have observed again and again, how the biggest leaps in personal insight and growth happen when people are in the most pain. In the sauna at the gym, Mimi and her husband who have been together 50 years, tell me countess stories of disagreements, ignoring one another and calling truces. Through it all though, they laugh and still love to hike together. Mimi says that the biggest key to their longevity is that they apologize and never let arguments go on for too long. Here are some interesting quotes about marriage. "Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years"...(Simone Signoret). "Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate"...(Barnett R. Brickner). "A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time"...(Anne Taylor Fleming). "More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse"...(Doug Larson). "One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again"...(Judith Viorst). "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person"...(Mignon McLaughlin). I don't have all of the answers when it comes to relationships but what I do know is that it is imperative to remain open to the hope that we all have numerous opportunities for growth and change. In addition, we all have blind spots and like the previous quote says simply, you have to be the best partner first before you can expect to attract the best partner. You inevitably attract a mirror in your mate of your own deficits. Hopefully though, you also help to balance and enhance each others strengths as well. The more you address your deficits, the better odds you have at having healthier relationships. Individuals and thus partnerships need ongoing work and dedication otherwise they fail to flourish. On one hand, I see too many people stay in bad marriages, unhappy and stuck, too afraid to make necessary changes. On the other hand, many people are trying to make marriages work and just need tools to help them grow individually and together. "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers"...(Ruth Bell Graham).

Here I Am

"And remember, no matter where you go, there you are"...(Confucius). Here I am....listening to inspiring music, writing and enjoying a Thin Mint. Here I am listening to the song by Leona Lewis called "Here I am." Here I am.....learning, loving and wondering how life will continue to surprise me. Here I am.....watching my kids laugh as they spit spit-balls at each other. Here I am.....with open arms, embracing each and every opportunity that comes my way. Here I am....shaking my head in astonishment as life shows me time and time again that as soon as I think I have it all figured out, life shows me something new and astounding. Here I am....loving the life I have created and truly enjoying each and every moment of every single day. Some days may be tougher than others, but here I am smiling......knowing that it always gets better. Here I am....guessing, imagining and waiting for life to unfold and present me with new discoveries. Here I am....proud of the progress I've made over the past several years and I applaud the woman I have become and continue to grow into. Bravery and courage have become my new strengths...so here I am helping others grow into their new brave selves too. Here I am enjoying this quote, “I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped"...(Frederick Perls). Here I am....so incredibly thankful that I am living in Southern California, enjoying warm winter weather, even though I have now become quite wimpy when it's 50 degrees. Here I am....wondering what the temperature is in Connecticut right now, knowing that no matter what, it's colder there than here. Here I am on Google, finding a ton of great quotes about "I am." “I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you"...(Roy Croft). “I am the miracle"...(Buddha). “I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world"...(Albert Einstein). Here I am....singing out loud. Here I am...laughing about the dysfunctional lyrics to the Backstreet Boys song "As Long As you Love Me." Think about it....those lyrics say "I don't care who you are, don't care what you did....as long as you love me." The tune is catchy however and sums up just about every relationship based on insecurities. Did you know that there are countless songs with the title "As I am," by artists like The Goo Goo Dolls, Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys. Here I am purchasing and downloading the song by The Goo Goo Dolls because I like it and the lyrics are wonderful. Here I am...getting sleepy and thinking about cuddling with my kids until they and I fall asleep. Here I am...happy in every way with who I am and teaching my children to embrace who they are in every way too....for they are divine and amazing souls. "The words I am are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you"...(A.L. Kitselman).

Now More Than Ever

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser"...(John Gardner). Right now I am binging on Hot Tamales. Yes, you read correctly. You know, those little red candies from childhood that pack a bit of a spicy punch. Sooo good!! Okay, binging is a bit harsh....more like serious snacking. Some people hit the hard stuff when they've had a tough day but I keep it simple and crack open a box of Hot Tamales. The past twenty four hours was full of more lessons of course. Never a dull moment in my life. As usual, just when I think I'm coasting for a while, I'm hit with a wave that knocks the breath out of me. Mmmm, give me a moment while I grab another Hot Tamale and gather my thoughts. Okay, the lessons of today are about the past, present and future. I've realized that we can't erase the past....nor should we really, but we can learn valuable lessons from the past so as to grow the most from what we've been through. I'm struck with some memories of my first relationship at 18 years old. That relationship was a train wreck really, but just when I thought I had the courage to get off the train, it would pull me back in. You see, sometimes we all have a tough time differentiating the past from the present, so I kept repeating the past, afraid to let go. The ride continued on and off for several years. I thought I'd never escape the ties to that train wreck of a relationship but I finally got off once and for all. It wasn't easy. No matter how bad that relationship was for me, I kept rationalizing why I needed to give it another try. Back then, neither one of us had the tools to be healthier, so the healthiest choice ultimately was to walk away. Now, the hard part for me was that no matter how toxic that relationship was, I couldn't resolve my feelings. The ultimate lesson was that feelings never end but relationships do. I'm still faced with that very hard lesson. There is no such thing as a complete ending when it comes to emotions. Wouldn't it be so nice to tuck our feelings into a lock box and throw away the keys. It doesn't work that way. I sure try to have some type of closure with my feelings but that just means I try to be honest and open about how I feel so that things are not left unsaid. Otherwise though, feelings live on in us long after relationships have ended. When I was younger after my first train wreck relationship, I kinda vowed to try to contain my feelings better. That agreement really didn't work. I just got better at deceiving myself. Controlling our feelings is a bit like trying to hide an elephant in plain sight. You can pretend that you don't see it but it's absolutely still there. The challenge is really with ourselves. When the past draws people back in, what still needs to be addressed is within emotional debris. Sometimes, it is a test....to teach us how far we've come and how much of us is still in the past. It also exposes our vulnerabilities. Everyone is perhaps vulnerable to cling to the past, conveniently glossing over the pain and the parts that clearly didn't work. Is new hope ever possible in old relationships? Of course, but not without much insight, work and continued vigilance and honesty about ones feelings. It's just too easy to jump back into past relationships because it's what you know. Besides that, people struggle profoundly with self worth and value, so it's safer to jump into something familiar rather than to risk the vulnerability of the unknown. The energy of love is tough to decipher sometimes and no matter how much you have moved on in your life, love never leaves us. Loving someone always stays with us in some way and never really departs our hearts and souls. Past relationships are a shadow imprint in our souls reflection, having helped us grow into the people we are and in who we are meant to be ultimately. The shadows are not meant to be clung to, just acknowledged as part of who we are and where we've been. The confusing part is about sorting through those old love ties and deciding what has healed and which ones need further work. These are no easy answers and each person has their own heart to answer to regarding matters of love. In the meantime, I'm sadly finishing my last Hot Tamale, which like love....often has a bittersweet ending. I guess like my Hot Tamales, endings may only be temporary because I know I will find another box of Hot Tamales and thus the issues connected to love just never end really....and they leave a sweet and possibly sour taste in our souls, which live on in our memories. We always gotta take the good with the bad as they say, because every heart connection is a profound life lesson. Now more than ever, I have much gratitude for all of the lessons of the heart I have endured and persevered. "By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning"...(Lao Tzu). "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"...(Havelock Ellis).

Heart Matters

"Above all else, guard your heart for it affects everything else you do"...(Proverbs 4:23). I have written so much over the past year and a half about the importance of following your heart...but I think that I got so caught up leading with an open heart, I forgot to mention that we also must protect our hearts. Most of the time, the challenge for people is to work on their defenses so that they can be more in tune and in line with their hearts. Once people are in tune with their hearts, the next lesson is to address, observe and push through natural defenses when one feels vulnerable. Hey, feeling vulnerable is our hearts way of saying that we have entered the deeper waters of emotional risk. Like learning how to swim, when a child has the skills to survive yet somehow feels incredibly vulnerable swimming across the deep end for the first time. You become increasingly aware that the water is very deep, it is risky and you could drown...but you kick and paddle until your confidence or sheer will takes over and you get to the other side. The same thing occurs in the ocean when you swim through the enormous waves to get to deeper waters. The waves are scary at first, tossing you around until you finally get to the other side, where the water is calmer, yet still deep and requires courage to stay there. Emotional connection is similar. Clients tell me all of the time how scary it is when they are entering a new relationship and they are feeling excited, yet scared that have entered the deep end of the abyss. They want to keep swimming but fear that some unknown current will pull them under. Of course, I feel the same way when I am feeling vulnerable. My dreams usually help me work out any fears that pop up, but we all must surrender to the process that to follow our hearts, we must be willing to be vulnerable. Protecting the heart is important too, but we cannot build massive barriers....that is not protection, that only leads to isolation. I think that protecting the heart is more like taking risks with increased awareness and occasional caution. Sometimes, even a broken heart is a necessary lesson though. How else are we to learn the value of a real connection if misleading ones had not occurred? My protection now is an inner resiliency, which acts like a life preserver that sits on the sidelines as a security blanket, just in case. I know now that I have the strength to survive any wound my heart might endure, even if I end up out of breath occasionally and left treading water or under extreme conditions, needing the life preserver to pull me out. Either way, I'll be okay. I'd rather take the leap into the deep end when my heart says to jump. Oh sure, sometimes I jumped, learned a needed lesson and worked my way back to shallow waters realizing that the relationship was a quick lesson in pacing, trust or garnering a new perspective. Either way, my skills always get stronger with each leap that I make. Many people are spectators, sitting in lounge chairs observing the action, alone and fearful. Hey, even if one is afraid, just wade in the shallow waters for a bit until confidence and courage grows to the point of venturing into deeper emotional waters. The first step though is taken by just putting one toe into the water. "Let your heart be your compass, your mind your map, your soul your guide...and you will never get lost"....(Author Unknown). "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing"...(Helen Keller).

Broken Glass

Desire is a funny thing. It stirs up the senses, creating a thirst for everything pleasurable about life. Passion is the dessert of life, meant to be savored and enjoyed. A life without passion is like walking in the dessert for years, feeling tired, thirsty and hungry. Life feels dull and plain without passion or desire. Desire is the pulsating drive to feel and savor passion. Someone made a comment on the article I wrote about passion: "Anonymous said...Passion is just one component. Passion with Desire leaves a person motionless." I reflected on that thought for a bit and realized that anonymous may be right. Most people rarely feel passion let alone desire and passion rolled into one. In fact, passion without desire often feels less emotional and even possibly shallow. Desire is a profound sense of longing or hoping for something or someone. Many people stay bogged down in desire too afraid to take even one step toward ever getting what they want. They just allow themselves to desire something or someone from afar, telling themselves that it would be a pipe dream to ever actually attain what they desire. Those people live in caves and they die inside at some point and then literally die with lost dreams and hidden desires that were never allowed to blossom in the light of day. Others may actually allow themselves to desire something or someone but when they get close to getting what they want they shut down, run away, push it away or sabotage. Desire and passion together is pretty overwhelming! It takes awhile to literally get adjusted and use to the intensity of that type of energy. Staying motionless for too long is futile however. Let me rephrase and say that being motionless for awhile may be needed to process all that you are feeling, therefore hopefully helping you to gear up to reach out for what you desire. You have to value yourself enough to push through any old fears, doubts and defenses to allow yourself to embrace the passion from attaining that which you so desired. Being motionless by passion and desire is like sitting in a house surrounded by glass walls. You can see what you desire on the other side of the glass. It's clearly visible and within reach. The answer becomes, do you stay in your glass structure, almost tortured by being motionless...or do you you break the glass once and for all and wrap your arms around passion. At least in a glass structure you are ahead of those living in caves but you are still walling yourself off from the opportunity of having passion in your life. I admit, passion and desire are scary things, in a good way. Again, many do not even allow themselves to dream...partly because they are afraid they won't get what they want but many don't consciously realize that they are really afraid of getting what they want. You have to face those issues of unworthiness once and for all to embrace getting what you desire. Many people feel a profound sense of insecurity, guilt and unworthiness, so they don't feel they ultimately deserve a passion filled life. The alternative is living in your glass house, too mired down by fears to break free. I see this issue play out all around me in various situations. People pick jobs, dates and relationships based on what's convenient versus what may be a challenge or more in line with desire. People play it safe all the time and take the easy, yet unfulfilling way out. The more daring ones reach out for their desires only to pull back and remain motionless. The true daredevils are afraid too....but they take their hammer and break the glass. If the glass house gets rebuilt thanks to defenses, they just break the glass again and again until the house falls away completely and the person is finally free. It may take a few if not many times to shatter the glass but passion and desire are worth it. So, to "Anonymous," don't stay motionless endlessly...break the glass and allow yourself to embrace passion and desire in your life. “A strong passion for any object will ensure success, for the desire of the end will point out the means”...(William Hazlitt).

Brand New Day

I still marvel at how much my life has changed in a year. One of the biggest lessons I have learned the past year is to hold on loosely to everything in life. You cannot cling to anything or even deceive yourself to think that ultimately you have any real control. We can all manage how we react and perceive things, but control....that is a self delusion to try to control things or people. The past year has illuminated all of my self delusions and denials that I had been clinging to. I see myself and life so differently now. I remember when I moved into my big house in Connecticut a little over five years ago. The girl born in Inglewood, California had gotten the American dream, granite counter tops and all. Then with each year, the facade started to crumble. I had to slowly acknowledge that I had been unhappy for years. I realized that I had to face my own pretenses and decide if the facade was more important than truly being happy. It was a decision I had to make. My inner self was crying, lonely and struggling with major life decisions. I did not want to cause hurt to anyone else...but in preserving the status quo, I was dying inside. I also realize now, how I had been on a never ending treadmill, not even recognizing how blind I was to the life I had been leading. I buried myself in work, seeing too many clients and avoiding the pain in my home life. I look back now and cannot believe how much I worked....somewhat avoiding facing the real issues in my life. The moment it all caught up with me was when I fell (passed out) on the pavement in front of my office, a little over three years ago. That moment was my awakening. I passed out because of low blood sugar and low blood pressure. The bottom line was that I had been on automatic pilot, taking care of everyone except myself. I vowed to take my life back from that moment on. "Let the chips fall," as they say...because as I began to take care of myself, emotionally and physically, my personal life began to unravel. It is amazing how long we can delude ourselves and keep busy with superficial stuff, just to avoid facing our emotions. I had avoided for way too long. My life is so incredibly different now. My house is a mess, I have tons of boxes to unpack, pictures to hang, piles of laundry and a million errands to run...but it's okay. When I moved in to my previous houses, all I could focus on was how things looked and how to decorate each room. Now I want to live life. The way the house looks is not nearly as important as the quality of how I live my life. Of course I still want things to look nice, but I'm not preoccupied with focusing on the external anymore. The internal me is much more important than whether I need to vacuum or not. It will all get done in the end. The new me bought season passes to Disneyland so that the kids and I can experience magic whenever we want. The heck with a clean house, I'd rather go play. I live life one day at a time now, enjoying whatever life has for me each and every moment. It is truly a new day and with that said, I am grateful for the opportunity to see life and myself from a renewed perspective. "With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts"...(Eleanor Roosevelt).

The One

"When love is not madness, it is not love"...(Pedro Calderon de la Barca). What does it mean to have "it" for someone or for them to be the "one." Well, I'm not saying that there is only one "it" for people but the feeling of "it" comes from the heart and is a true soul connection that defies all reason and logic. The "it" is such a deep feeling of love that often words alone are not sufficient enough to describe it. Unfortunately, too few couples have "it" for each other which only leads to a lot of trouble eventually, including divorces. Let's start at the beginning when it comes to dating. Men need to understand that while they have a short term goal to get a woman into bed, women have a long term goal of wearing the white dress, finding security....white picket fence and all. The problem is, in either scenario, the issue of a true heart connection is really not considered. Men sleep with women all the time that they really don't have a heart connection with. Guess what however, if the woman plays it right, she just might end up getting that guy to marry her. So you see, the dating game goes both ways and everyone is playing it. For men it seems, they are a bit simpler when it comes to discerning "it." Since men really are not conditioned to be as emotional, things can be more concrete for them. If some of their needs are being met and the woman they are with appears to be into them, then all is well. I've counseled a lot of men however that are outright confused years later when their marriages went down in flames and they can't understand where things went wrong. Because men are concrete, if something is broken, they try to fix it. When it comes to matters of the heart, you can't just follow the list "10 things to do" and all is then well in the relationship. Men seem to have a difficult time understanding female emotions. What I have experienced and observed is this, if a woman never had "it" for you, then she cannot ever make herself feel "it, " no matter how much she tries to. Also, no matter how hard a man tries, you just can't convince the woman to feel "it" for you. Men, you can practically stand on your head but it won't and can't create a feeling that was never there. Just because there appeared to be chemistry in the beginning of a relationship, does not mean that "it" was ever present. The dating game is a powerful thing. Come on guys, you know how to go on interviews to get a job that you desperately want. Women know how to interview too, it's just in the dating game, it's for the long term. Now, in some rare cases "it" was present in the beginning of a relationship and betrayal, abuse and just really bad behavior destroys the relationship. You'd know the difference however because when "it" is there, chemistry is still present, even when things are bad. Women in those cases will eventually end those relationships too but often have a difficult time ending the sexual part of the relationship and still say they will always love them, no matter how badly things ended. True heart connections are difficult to walk away from, even though it is sometimes necessary. In relationships without "it," women often deceive themselves too, blaming the men for every perceived bad behavior and dictating a list of what they need to change to fix the relationship. Hey, all relationships can use increased communication and discussions on how to make things better. When things are really bad however, the core issue of actual connection needs to be questioned. Women often do not want to admit or cannot recognize that they were really never into the man they married. This happens all to often. No woman honestly really wants to admit that so the blame game continues, adding to misunderstandings, anger and resentments between couples. It's actually simple for a woman, "it's" there or "it's not" but too many women will just blame the men and not recognize or own something so simple because they want the security, the house, the facade. They are only fooling themselves in the end. Can "it" ever be created between two people? Since women are very emotional, an "it" of sorts can be developed when two people respect and honor each other and a mutual love is developed over time. A loving relationship can grow if both people start with a deep respect for one another. My understanding of "it" is this....a woman needs to really feel "it" otherwise eventually there will be lack of sex, lack of interest and a basic distain that develops in the relationship. When a woman feels "it," neither time or hurts can ever take it away....sure the feeling can fade in time but that feeling of "it" never goes away completely, once she feels that for a man. Men need to tune into feeling more so that they can tell the difference of "it" versus eye candy or someone who is manipulating them. If a woman can truly kiss you passionately, from the depths of her soul, then there is an "it" feeling going on. If however, she makes excuses, can seem hot and cold and rarely wants to engage in acts of intimacy, then there is probably no "it" happening or whatever "it" there was wasn't strong enough to sustain things. The beauty of dating when you are a bit older and wiser is that you are often more in tune to the heart and will not settle for anything less than a true heart connection. If you can start with that, then all of the other things in a relationship can be worked on and developed. That's not to say that many people of older ages are also still dating with the focus on security, looks, money and marriage. It's important to have some criteria that matches your own goals, needs and ambitions, however there should still be a heart connection, otherwise if things are just based on the superficial, then things can turn sour very easily. Hey, if a gal falls in love with someone for his money but she truly adores the guy, then she may feel "it" and to each their own. In reverse, if a man chooses a wife based on looks and social standing but he respects and loves her, then the union may be his "it" and could be a match made in heaven. Even with "it," relationships still need constant attention, communication and an investment of loving energy. "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction"... (Antoine de Saint). "Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence"...(Eric Fromm).

Coming Home

I went to California last week to visit family. Going back to your home state and familiar surroundings can be comforting as well as thought provoking. I reflected back over my younger years and was able to see everything in a new light. When we change, everything changes. How I view the past has completely shifted. My old perspective of California from my youth had been mostly of pain. The pain of a lonely childhood, the pain of detachment in high school and never feeling good enough, the pain of spiralling out of control in college, and the anger and powerlessness of having been abused, raped and neglected. Sounds pretty bad when I see the written word of what I had experienced throughout the first 25 years on this earth. What I see now in those 25 years are a heck of a lot of lessons in a condensed amount of time. All of those lessons make me who I am. I have spent the last 19 years learning about how those lessons affected me, helping others with their lessons, having children and finally becoming empowered and autonomous. I've been a busy girl! Now when I am in California, I no longer see or feel pain. When I drove through the city where I went to elementary school, I remembered the 6 year old me, fiercely independent and full of spirit, despite the hardships I had at home. I saw glimpses of the 7th grader at my old intermediate school, who loved to win prizes at carnivals and learned to play the flute. As I passed my old high school, I reflected about the girl in me who loved to hang out with friends whenever possible, driving around in a beat up car looking for cute guys. As for college, I remember now the fun I had with sorority sisters, the parties I attended, going sailing and hanging out at the beach. I also met some amazing people throughout all of those years who helped me on my journey and impacted and inspired me in more ways than I can begin to list. My first 25 years are now a reflection of triumph, perseverance, resiliency and the ability to experience healing, joy and forgiveness in the face of pain. My home state is now a place I can return with a sense of peace in my heart and the ability to have a new beginning. The shadows of the past no longer haunt me and I have experienced healing of the past on every level. I suppose that is why it is time to return there, to reconnect with my roots and family, and finally to experience a sense of closure. I embrace the younger me with love and compassion and see incredible strength where there use to be wounds. My true home however is not California, Connecticut or any place outside of me. I had to travel thousands of miles and live in many places to discover that my true home has always been in me all along.....in my heart. "Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey"...(Paulo Coelho -The Alchemist)