Now More Than Ever

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser"...(John Gardner). Right now I am binging on Hot Tamales. Yes, you read correctly. You know, those little red candies from childhood that pack a bit of a spicy punch. Sooo good!! Okay, binging is a bit harsh....more like serious snacking. Some people hit the hard stuff when they've had a tough day but I keep it simple and crack open a box of Hot Tamales. The past twenty four hours was full of more lessons of course. Never a dull moment in my life. As usual, just when I think I'm coasting for a while, I'm hit with a wave that knocks the breath out of me. Mmmm, give me a moment while I grab another Hot Tamale and gather my thoughts. Okay, the lessons of today are about the past, present and future. I've realized that we can't erase the past....nor should we really, but we can learn valuable lessons from the past so as to grow the most from what we've been through. I'm struck with some memories of my first relationship at 18 years old. That relationship was a train wreck really, but just when I thought I had the courage to get off the train, it would pull me back in. You see, sometimes we all have a tough time differentiating the past from the present, so I kept repeating the past, afraid to let go. The ride continued on and off for several years. I thought I'd never escape the ties to that train wreck of a relationship but I finally got off once and for all. It wasn't easy. No matter how bad that relationship was for me, I kept rationalizing why I needed to give it another try. Back then, neither one of us had the tools to be healthier, so the healthiest choice ultimately was to walk away. Now, the hard part for me was that no matter how toxic that relationship was, I couldn't resolve my feelings. The ultimate lesson was that feelings never end but relationships do. I'm still faced with that very hard lesson. There is no such thing as a complete ending when it comes to emotions. Wouldn't it be so nice to tuck our feelings into a lock box and throw away the keys. It doesn't work that way. I sure try to have some type of closure with my feelings but that just means I try to be honest and open about how I feel so that things are not left unsaid. Otherwise though, feelings live on in us long after relationships have ended. When I was younger after my first train wreck relationship, I kinda vowed to try to contain my feelings better. That agreement really didn't work. I just got better at deceiving myself. Controlling our feelings is a bit like trying to hide an elephant in plain sight. You can pretend that you don't see it but it's absolutely still there. The challenge is really with ourselves. When the past draws people back in, what still needs to be addressed is within emotional debris. Sometimes, it is a test....to teach us how far we've come and how much of us is still in the past. It also exposes our vulnerabilities. Everyone is perhaps vulnerable to cling to the past, conveniently glossing over the pain and the parts that clearly didn't work. Is new hope ever possible in old relationships? Of course, but not without much insight, work and continued vigilance and honesty about ones feelings. It's just too easy to jump back into past relationships because it's what you know. Besides that, people struggle profoundly with self worth and value, so it's safer to jump into something familiar rather than to risk the vulnerability of the unknown. The energy of love is tough to decipher sometimes and no matter how much you have moved on in your life, love never leaves us. Loving someone always stays with us in some way and never really departs our hearts and souls. Past relationships are a shadow imprint in our souls reflection, having helped us grow into the people we are and in who we are meant to be ultimately. The shadows are not meant to be clung to, just acknowledged as part of who we are and where we've been. The confusing part is about sorting through those old love ties and deciding what has healed and which ones need further work. These are no easy answers and each person has their own heart to answer to regarding matters of love. In the meantime, I'm sadly finishing my last Hot Tamale, which like love....often has a bittersweet ending. I guess like my Hot Tamales, endings may only be temporary because I know I will find another box of Hot Tamales and thus the issues connected to love just never end really....and they leave a sweet and possibly sour taste in our souls, which live on in our memories. We always gotta take the good with the bad as they say, because every heart connection is a profound life lesson. Now more than ever, I have much gratitude for all of the lessons of the heart I have endured and persevered. "By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning"...(Lao Tzu). "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"...(Havelock Ellis).