The Voice of Truth

This morning, as my kids were getting ready for school, my daughter asked her brother if he'd play a quick game of Bingo math with her. The next thing I know, she's upset and crying because he had said no to her. Her emotions were so genuine and all because she was hurt by her brothers rejection. Of course several minutes later, they worked it out and he agreed to 5 minutes of Bingo to help her. It struck me immediately how beautiful it was that she felt her emotions fully and in real time. She didn't stuff or distort her feelings and in fact, she felt she had every right to them. That made me proud of myself and her father for setting the tone that feelings are okay. Not to say that there aren't appropriate moments to hold off on emotional reactions, like if you're upset in the middle of a restaurant...but then, one can still cry quietly at the table instead of being hysterical. The point is that feelings are our own barometer of our experiences and it's our way of relating to the world around us. There are no right or wrong feelings, although people judge their feelings all of the time. Even worse is that people judge other people's feelings too. People struggle with accepting their own feelings so is it any wonder that they judge, criticize and demean other people's feelings? While getting coffee a little while ago, a client texted me about how upset she is over the ending of a relationship. She was talking about some of the hurtful things he had said and I reminded her that those experiences are meant to make you stronger. She was upset over the fact that it upset her so much. My response was simple: "The only way to find your voice is to validate and feel everything. It's the only real thing. Then your shield of protection and self worth increases. Give yourself love first and foremost." She understood immediately and told me that she felt relieved that she was allowed to feel. She wrote, "It's good to know it's okay to feel hurt and then in time, move forward. I always had a false belief that the strong people in the world didn't feel pain. Especially when the perpetrator of the pain is a known buffoon." What she meant by the buffoon comment is what if you've been hurt by someone before, yet you keep getting hurt again by them. That's part of the process and as you become more in sync with your feelings, you'll get tired of the pain and finally move out of harms way. You still have to feel though. So many of us grew up in homes where the parents were not in their integrity with their emotions. When you grow up that way, feelings get stuffed, distorted and minimized. We get told things like, "don't feel that way, don't upset your mother, we don't talk about things like that" or "you're being dramatic." Some family systems are so shut down that everyone just knows that there are things that are never to be discussed. Is it surprising then that so many adults are walking around like zombies, completely disconnected from themselves and their feelings. That's why many turn to substances, to feel something, anything and also to numb the pain of disconnection. Here is the truth, that strong people feel everything with no apology, no guilt and no beating themselves up. Feelings are everything in a world of fake, manipulations, and deception. The only voice of truth is our own emotions. As we gradually shift and get stronger, our feelings change too. That's why feelings are a great measurement and reflection of our emotional growth. The goal is to be in complete alignment with our feelings. That's true strength. When something upset me recently, I cried almost immediately and was able to verbalize my feelings in real time just like my daughter had this morning. I was so proud afterward because there was a time I would have stuffed my emotions. I didn't feel bad about my feelings, I actually felt great and was able to heal faster because I didn't hold back. Just like my kids, I moved from one emotion to the next and didn't look back. As the latin phrase so accurately conveys..."Veritas vos liberabit - The truth will set you free."