It's So Complicated

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher"...(Socrates). "Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage"...(Sydney J. Harris). I've observed countless couples throughout my life, both in my family system and as a therapist. As an observer, I never understood the complexities involved in a relationship, until I became a participant and then a therapist. As a participant, I went through many varied lessons in each relationship I was involved in and with each lesson, I gradually understood that fears are often the main road block to having healthier connections. The fears are deeply rooted in ones self esteem causing defenses and barriers. As a therapist, I have a private front row seat into peoples lives and thus get invited in to hear the most intimate details about the walls people construct for protection. Counseling couples is kinda like being a referee. I should get a whistle and wear a striped shirt because it can get pretty brutal in sessions sometimes. There is usually so much information couples want to get on the table that sessions almost always go past the hour. I swear, in some cases, I could spend 8 hours straight with a couple and probably barely make a dent in the complex emotions involved in being a couple. There is a very funny movie starring Meryl Streep called, "It's Complicated." I saw it in the theatres originally and it made me laugh so hard. Essentially it is about a couple who had been divorced for many years who find themselves entangled into a love affair with one another. The movie really touches on the reality that relationships are absolutely complicated. Art imitates life as we know. My grandmother married my grandfather twice...after both of them had married other people, they somehow found themselves back with each other at some point. Now that I'm older, I certainly understand how there is so much to relationships and matters of the heart. When I was younger, I didn't understand how my grandmother married the same man twice, yet now I totally get it. This issue is a continuation of the subject about revisiting old relationships. Marriage is not easy and when you add the complications of life, kids, immaturity, childhood emotional wounds and defenses....it's no wonder that many marriages fall apart. I certainly know that when I look back to when I walked down the isle, I had rose colored glasses on when it came to how to make a marriage work. I was too insecure to set needed boundaries and even though I was a therapist, I still lacked emotional strength to express my feelings effectively. I have learned so much about myself and relationships over the past 20 something years and all I can say now is that often people just don't appreciate what they have until it's gone. With that said, sometimes the best lessons happen when you lose everything. I've spoken to many divorced men over the past six months and many of them have discussed in detail how they truly didn't fully appreciate their former spouses when they had the chance and regret some of their actions and behaviors. Also in counseling so many people throughout the years, I have observed again and again, how the biggest leaps in personal insight and growth happen when people are in the most pain. In the sauna at the gym, Mimi and her husband who have been together 50 years, tell me countess stories of disagreements, ignoring one another and calling truces. Through it all though, they laugh and still love to hike together. Mimi says that the biggest key to their longevity is that they apologize and never let arguments go on for too long. Here are some interesting quotes about marriage. "Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years"...(Simone Signoret). "Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate"...(Barnett R. Brickner). "A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time"...(Anne Taylor Fleming). "More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse"...(Doug Larson). "One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again"...(Judith Viorst). "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person"...(Mignon McLaughlin). I don't have all of the answers when it comes to relationships but what I do know is that it is imperative to remain open to the hope that we all have numerous opportunities for growth and change. In addition, we all have blind spots and like the previous quote says simply, you have to be the best partner first before you can expect to attract the best partner. You inevitably attract a mirror in your mate of your own deficits. Hopefully though, you also help to balance and enhance each others strengths as well. The more you address your deficits, the better odds you have at having healthier relationships. Individuals and thus partnerships need ongoing work and dedication otherwise they fail to flourish. On one hand, I see too many people stay in bad marriages, unhappy and stuck, too afraid to make necessary changes. On the other hand, many people are trying to make marriages work and just need tools to help them grow individually and together. "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers"...(Ruth Bell Graham).