The One

"When love is not madness, it is not love"...(Pedro Calderon de la Barca). What does it mean to have "it" for someone or for them to be the "one." Well, I'm not saying that there is only one "it" for people but the feeling of "it" comes from the heart and is a true soul connection that defies all reason and logic. The "it" is such a deep feeling of love that often words alone are not sufficient enough to describe it. Unfortunately, too few couples have "it" for each other which only leads to a lot of trouble eventually, including divorces. Let's start at the beginning when it comes to dating. Men need to understand that while they have a short term goal to get a woman into bed, women have a long term goal of wearing the white dress, finding security....white picket fence and all. The problem is, in either scenario, the issue of a true heart connection is really not considered. Men sleep with women all the time that they really don't have a heart connection with. Guess what however, if the woman plays it right, she just might end up getting that guy to marry her. So you see, the dating game goes both ways and everyone is playing it. For men it seems, they are a bit simpler when it comes to discerning "it." Since men really are not conditioned to be as emotional, things can be more concrete for them. If some of their needs are being met and the woman they are with appears to be into them, then all is well. I've counseled a lot of men however that are outright confused years later when their marriages went down in flames and they can't understand where things went wrong. Because men are concrete, if something is broken, they try to fix it. When it comes to matters of the heart, you can't just follow the list "10 things to do" and all is then well in the relationship. Men seem to have a difficult time understanding female emotions. What I have experienced and observed is this, if a woman never had "it" for you, then she cannot ever make herself feel "it, " no matter how much she tries to. Also, no matter how hard a man tries, you just can't convince the woman to feel "it" for you. Men, you can practically stand on your head but it won't and can't create a feeling that was never there. Just because there appeared to be chemistry in the beginning of a relationship, does not mean that "it" was ever present. The dating game is a powerful thing. Come on guys, you know how to go on interviews to get a job that you desperately want. Women know how to interview too, it's just in the dating game, it's for the long term. Now, in some rare cases "it" was present in the beginning of a relationship and betrayal, abuse and just really bad behavior destroys the relationship. You'd know the difference however because when "it" is there, chemistry is still present, even when things are bad. Women in those cases will eventually end those relationships too but often have a difficult time ending the sexual part of the relationship and still say they will always love them, no matter how badly things ended. True heart connections are difficult to walk away from, even though it is sometimes necessary. In relationships without "it," women often deceive themselves too, blaming the men for every perceived bad behavior and dictating a list of what they need to change to fix the relationship. Hey, all relationships can use increased communication and discussions on how to make things better. When things are really bad however, the core issue of actual connection needs to be questioned. Women often do not want to admit or cannot recognize that they were really never into the man they married. This happens all to often. No woman honestly really wants to admit that so the blame game continues, adding to misunderstandings, anger and resentments between couples. It's actually simple for a woman, "it's" there or "it's not" but too many women will just blame the men and not recognize or own something so simple because they want the security, the house, the facade. They are only fooling themselves in the end. Can "it" ever be created between two people? Since women are very emotional, an "it" of sorts can be developed when two people respect and honor each other and a mutual love is developed over time. A loving relationship can grow if both people start with a deep respect for one another. My understanding of "it" is this....a woman needs to really feel "it" otherwise eventually there will be lack of sex, lack of interest and a basic distain that develops in the relationship. When a woman feels "it," neither time or hurts can ever take it away....sure the feeling can fade in time but that feeling of "it" never goes away completely, once she feels that for a man. Men need to tune into feeling more so that they can tell the difference of "it" versus eye candy or someone who is manipulating them. If a woman can truly kiss you passionately, from the depths of her soul, then there is an "it" feeling going on. If however, she makes excuses, can seem hot and cold and rarely wants to engage in acts of intimacy, then there is probably no "it" happening or whatever "it" there was wasn't strong enough to sustain things. The beauty of dating when you are a bit older and wiser is that you are often more in tune to the heart and will not settle for anything less than a true heart connection. If you can start with that, then all of the other things in a relationship can be worked on and developed. That's not to say that many people of older ages are also still dating with the focus on security, looks, money and marriage. It's important to have some criteria that matches your own goals, needs and ambitions, however there should still be a heart connection, otherwise if things are just based on the superficial, then things can turn sour very easily. Hey, if a gal falls in love with someone for his money but she truly adores the guy, then she may feel "it" and to each their own. In reverse, if a man chooses a wife based on looks and social standing but he respects and loves her, then the union may be his "it" and could be a match made in heaven. Even with "it," relationships still need constant attention, communication and an investment of loving energy. "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction"... (Antoine de Saint). "Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence"...(Eric Fromm).