The Secret

I read on a facebook wall some disturbing words, written by a young teen...joking about how "rape is not rape if you like it." I know that she is writing those words from such a naive place and that she has so much still to learn about sexual awareness. Since I've been writing about sexual freedom and sexual exploration in previous articles, it only seems fitting to tackle the sad issue that comes with the territory of sex and that's rape. First, when I am discussing rape....I am really talking about the rape that occurs more frequently and generally goes unreported and that is acquaintance or date rape. According to legaldictionary.com "date rape is forcible sexual intercourse by a male acquaintance of a woman, during a voluntary social engagement in which the woman did not intend to submit to the sexual advances and resisted the acts by verbal refusals, denials or pleas to stop, and/or physical resistance." Statistics reflect that most rapes are perpetrated from people the women know and often trusted. Those types of rapes and coercion occur from dates, boyfriends, husbands, friends, neighbors and family members. The boundaries get blurred when rape occurs by people the women knew, which is why women struggle with shame when it comes to those rapes. When someone you know and trust crosses that line, many women simply find themselves in uncharted territory, not knowing how to navigate themselves through it. When a stranger at a party pushes the sexual envelope, women can often easier set a tougher boundary. But, when it's someone they like or trust, they don't want to believe that the person would actually harm or hurt them. Those types of rapes prey on a woman's vulnerability, their emotions. The other problem is that young women are not often coached in how to defend themselves against the subtle form of manipulation taking place. I've read the dating websites for men and the advice always includes tips on how to maneuver things to get sex. While that's well and good when women are empowered and know when and how to say no.....many young and unsuspecting women can be easy prey to such tactics. To make things worse, alcohol is often involved which impairs a women's judgment to make a clear decision. Most women I know who have been raped, disclosed that they believed the men who raped them, completely and utterly manipulated them and the situation. We have a problem in our society with sex and in how it is communicated to men and women. Sexual expression is a wonderful thing but only when it is mutual and done with the utmost respect. But, when young men are conditioned and encouraged to "score" and young women are pretty unsuspecting about the one track mind of young men...there is a big problem. In fact, as I've discussed, women are seduced with words so if young men know how to guilt the girl or tell her everything she yearns to hear, then he gets what he wants. Actually, I've talked with older women as well who tell me their husbands, dates and boyfriends use guilt tactics and manipulations to get sex as well, so this does not only apply to the younger men and women. Many women have been in those circumstances as well, where they felt very manipulated into bed, even if they would not call it rape. Here's were things get blurry, because men will say that women really say no but they mean yes. Of course mixed messages abound, especially when women are not very sexually empowered. Men though can use that as a defense which helps them condone their bad behavior with women. Regarding date rape...most will continue to go unreported because women have a tough time calling it rape when they know the person. Women also often blame themselves, feeling as if they must have done something to provoke the behavior. The shame and doubt that goes with the territory of date rape is normal. The bottom line is that no means no! Even a hesitation on the women's part should be respected. In addition, under no uncertain terms should a man pursue things sexually when a women is so intoxicated that she can barely stand, sit, speak, etc....let alone unconscious. Shouldn't men be protecting women instead of taking advantage of them when they are at their most vulnerable? I can't tell you how many rapes have been disclosed to me about women being raped while they were passed out or barely coherent. That is a very sad commentary about our society. Why would men ever find this behavior acceptable? I also don't want to demonize anyone on this issue. Sure, there are guys out there who are jerks and put their own needs above anyone else's who harm women and joke that "the women really wanted it." But, there are really nice guys out there too who perpetrate this behavior under the influence of alcohol or who rationalize their bad behavior because their needs became more important in the moment. This is an issue that both young men and women need further education on. In sum, nobody asks to be raped under any circumstance! The better men can get at respecting refusals for sex vs pushing further manipulations while women improve their ability to set and maintain boundaries, the better off both sexes will be when it comes to the dance of sexual relations.