Understanding Men

I have really been thinking about men lately. Since being catapulted back into the dating scene, I am now able to view men from a renewed perspective. First, I must start off saying that I adore men. I didn't really grow up with a lot of men around, so my experience and knowledge of them was very limited. I grew up with two sisters and a single mom, since my parents divorced when I was just a baby. So, without brothers or a main male figure in my life, I was kinda on my own to understand the male species. Needless to say, I was a bit lost once I started dating in college. Through the past twenty something years, I've counseled hundreds of men and learned enormously from being in an 18 year relationship. My two sons have also educated me enormously as well...and in fact, they show me every day just how different boys are from girls. My five year old son loves that he can pee in the woods, plays with trucks and cars endlessly and calls me "momma" in such a way that melts my heart. My ten year old son also teaches me daily about how boys love video games and can somehow grasp the complex world of competition with the use of a handheld X-Box controller. In counseling and now dating, I have observed that we have a bit of a crisis in society, regarding the self esteem of men. Men seem to struggle with meeting endless expectations of them and often can end up misguided in their attempts to recover some confidence. Those that are older and divorced seem fearful of women castrating them after brutal relationships that made them feel less than perfect. That goes back to the premise though that some men may have married to fulfill expectations but didn't really follow their hearts when it came to choosing a mate. Once they are tossed back out into the dating scene, they are scarred, bruised and more guarded than ever, simply not trusting themselves anymore. Some emerge more confident, but very few it seems. One man e-mailed me a simple question, "Why are so many people divorced?" I responded with my theory about how few actually marry for love and he responded back saying: "That is very true. I didn't marry for love, I was more concerned with money and my career. I also married to fulfill my families expectations of being a successful male." Men do have a lot of expectations placed on them. The responsible ones try to please everyone and truly end up frustrated when it's never enough and more and more is expected of them. Women often feel that way too but men often do carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. The men that succumb to the macho expectations unfortunately dominate and control women to feel powerful and to mask their insecurities. That model only does more damage to women and children and ultimately to the man itself because he alienates himself from everyone he cares about. Overall, men and women want the same things, to be valued, respected and acknowledged for who they are and what they can contribute. Women are not the only sex wanting emotional connection. Men crave connection too, but it alludes them as well because they are not connected with themselves. Men are suffering as much as women from insecurities, frustration and poor self worth. Men strive for money and power because they believe and have been taught that somehow those things make the man. They may achieve those things but they may only create a monster. The wiser, more confident men realize that those things are not the answer but still may have to contend with jokes and ostracism for not being "man" enough. The more sensitive men either have to cover up their emotions or find other ways to feel like a man. Many men don't really know how to accept compliments or how to trust that women can love and adore them. Again, some men make women submissive to feel adored. That is not the same thing...because it is control and fear, not adoration based on love and respect. Basically, many men secretly don't feel they deserve to be loved, so they sabotage or push away love. We have a problem overall in society where men and women are just not truly connected to their hearts. Everyone is running around trying to fit in, please others, fulfill obligations and secretly not feeling good enough. The older ones are bruised from tough relationships, more fearful than ever about letting one's guard down. The answer is complex yet simple. It begins with connecting to oneself, healing wounds from the past and getting back in touch and thus trusting your heart center. All of that is no easy task yet living a disconnected life is one that is empty and painful, so either way, there is work involved. My hope is that more men can find their way back to who they really are and trust enough to open their hearts. When men and women can heal themselves and begin honoring how amazing both sexes are, then we can begin to heal as a society. The journey begins with each individual willing to find their way inward to simply just honor who they are as individuals. "We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies"....(Roderick Thorp).