"I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly"..(Buckminster Fuller). Why do so many people give up essential parts of themselves for the sake of relationships? Shouldn't a healthy relationship encourage both people to be who they are completely? The problem is that so many of us watch parents give up who they are and society says, "it's time to grow up," so parts of yourself begin to fade away. We should ideally encourage children to be who they are and to honor their interests. We should do the same for ourselves. I know that I was guilty of sacrificing parts of myself for my marriage and the kids. I felt this internal pressure to take care of everyone and I slowly let important things in my life drift away. During the years of having children, I gave up hiking and several other interests. I rationalized that I did not have time for those things, but I got to a point that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was trying to be the mom and wife I was expected to be but lost parts of Denise in the process. During the past several years I essentially vowed to get back to me. I had to begin to trust being me and however that shifted the relationships around me, so be it. I learned considerably during the years of sacrifice. How can you discover who you really are, without losing your way for awhile. Clarity often comes from crisis. I began to see clearly how I couldn't sacrifice myself anymore because the price was just too high. My role with my children shifted positively. They began to see me happier and taking better care of myself. I feel like a healthier role model, showing them that adults don't have to be miserable, lose who they are or go through the motions. What do children have to look forward to if they see adults cranky, edgy and unhappy. No wonder so many teens spin out of control. They often start responding by feeling lost and not respecting the adults around them, who lecture them but don't seem happy themselves. Wouldn't you want to rebel too if there was nothing to look forward to? I've counseled several women this week who listed off things they gave up for their families. One woman gave up going to the gym, because her husband seemed cranky every time she went to leave. Another gave up her hobbies, because her husband gave her a hard time. Another mom suffers from the "guilty mom" syndrome. She gave up time with her friends, believing that she was being selfish if she spent any time away from her kids. One husband gave up cycling, because his wife believed he should. I am not saying that there should never be some compromises, but relationships should encourage each person to feel whole and to honor cherished activities, interests and hobbies. You are not a better spouse for giving up parts of yourself if you end up resentful, feeling empty, angry or numb. You should honor yourself and each other, not make demands on who the other person "should" be. If you don't like who the person is, then the relationship needs to be examined. More importantly, examine how you are feeling, what you are missing and what you need to do to get back to you. The woman who gave up the gym decided to go anyway and ride out her husbands complaining. She even decided to do more hobbies on her own and not cater to her husbands moods so easily anymore. The woman with the "guilty mom" syndrome committed to socializing once a month with friends and realized that she will be a stronger mom if she has an outlet once in awhile. I end up with a lot of clients on the verge of major depression or anxiety, often due to the fact that they feel lost and no longer know who they are, due to numerous sacrifices. The lesson....get back to you. How much have you sacrificed for others? Honor how you feel and begin talking through and negotiating time to get back to the things you love. If there is respect in the relationship, the other person will support your growth. Be in harmony with yourself and trust the process of life to help show you what needs to be addressed in your life and never let go of what you love. "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you"...(Ralph Waldo Emerson).
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