Fun in DysFUNction

Now that it is holiday time, I have been reminded that shopping for greeting cards can be painfully difficult. The reason? Greeting cards are often very sappy, sentimental and way over the top or sarcastic and goofy. There seems to be no in between. You end up pouring over absolutely every card and none of them say what you are really feeling. In fact, the cards are kinda depressing because you wonder, are there really families out there that feel this way or are treated this way? When I was younger, I would think my family was the only dysfunctional one out there, because all of the sentimental cards portray the most amazing, nurturing relationships. In fact, that is the point. The cards can be so outrageous in the sentiment, that nobody actually feels that way. What is portrayed in those types of cards is just not real and does not accurately portray how people really feel. My view may be a bit jaded because as a therapist I get to hear first hand the incredible dysfunction happening in many families but if you watch a little reality TV, the news or Dr. Phil, you will see that there is a lot of dysfunction going on out there! The other problem is that people often feel less than loved if they do not receive one of those sappy cards for Valentine's Day, Birthday's etc, and often feel obligated to give them as well. Come on people, a card from Hallmark is not the issue. If not receiving one signifies you are not loved, perhaps there are deeper issues to uncover. People are just continuing to cover up how they are really feeling or buying into store bought versions of reality. I love it when my kids make their own cards for me chock full of misspelled words, sloppy writing and a colorful drawing from them. At least I know that what they write and draw is from the heart. I also buy simple, generic cards which seems better than the ridiculous offerings at the greeting card isles. Most are filled with amazing words of thanks and gratitude for family members either in denial or incredibly needy. I have had clients tell me that they are tortured with the same problem. Some parents of clients have complained that their kids don't appreciate them if the card they receive is not sappy enough! Talk about a guilt trip! I hate the idea of spending $3-$5 dollars for a piece of paper often filled with things you don't mean. I'd prefer sincerity. Yes the generic card may be simple, but at least the words I write, I really mean. Cards for parents say stuff like, "You have always been the light of my life, the jewel that shines, the oar to my boat and always there for me." Or how about this,"You have been by my side every step of the way without ever asking for anything." Hmmm, what if that is just not the case. What if what you'd really like to say is, "I Know you were never there for me...but I love you anyway." Now that's honesty! How about a card saying, "To my Dad and Step-mom" or vice versa, or how about to my mom and mom/dad and dad since there are many same sex parents out there too. Given that many families are blended and by no means traditional, why not offer cards for that huge segment of the population. To be honest, many people have strained relationships with loved ones. You'd still like to get them a card so how about a card saying, "I know we have drifted apart over the years and for what, I'm not even sure, but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you - Happy Holiday's." How about, "Our family is less than perfect, but who is, so thanks for doing the best that you could....Happy Mother's Day." A Zen approach would be this, "Everything happens for a reason and I've grown tremendously through all of the dysfunction our family had to offer....thanks for the lessons and Happy Holiday's." What about for strained marriages, anniversary's can be equally torturous trying to find the perfect card. How about instead of "I could not imagine my life without you" in a sappy card, "We were meant to learn from one another and for that, we have grown tremendously....Happy Anniversary." Here is a sample of a card I read at the store today, "Loving wishes from Grandma and Grandpa, There's nothing on earth more precious than children and grandchildren who fill life with love all the year through...with each Christmas, you grow more wonderful and with each year that passes, you're loved more than ever." Well, the grandparents I have come across often feel their grandchildren are too loud, misbehave and struggle even staying in the same house for a weekend without making a negative comment. One client told me her parents hightail it out of town to the Bahamas from Halloween until April and never spend the holidays with her children. Leaving town sure sends a clear message from those grandparents. I think I'd keel over if I ever received that card or I'd laugh. Even the most doting of grandparents might even find the sentiment of that card a bit over the top. Now some of the joke one's are painful too. They often poke fun at genders and roles. Of course the dad ones always have fart jokes and poking fun at men needing the television remote, naps or both. The mom cards poke fun at women running everything in the house and still pokes fun at the expense of men being lazy, stupid or both. To be fair, sometimes a funny card can be good and not be crass or degrading. Almost all of the cards seem to reflect our societies difficulty at being honest and expressing how they really feel. Hey you may still want to write a poem to a loved one, then write one yourself. Unfortunately, that is the only option because all of us are stuck with the endless amounts of sappy or sarcastic cards that the stores can offer. I wish there was a line of dysFUNctional greeting cards that were humorous, yet real. So this Holiday season, I will keep it simple and I will always include a real sentence or two of my own, tacked onto the plainest card I can find. Have fun shopping for your cards this holiday season!