Being Genuine

"Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot"...(David Herbert Lawrence). What do a 30 year year old hottie from LA, a 45 year old doctor from Beverly Hills and a 65 year old CPA all have in common? All have profiles on a dating site for people searching for extra marital affairs. I think more women should be aware that their husbands might be on-line shopping to cheat on their spouses. Now, I must first say that every man on that site says he wants discretion, yet a huge majority of them have a head shot visible or they send their private pics to a virtual stranger without getting to know them. One man was posing as a married man but I busted him on a singles dating site. He wasn't even smart enough to change his profile name. I think he must enjoy pretending to be married so that he can have sex with women without having to buy them dinner. Other men are sending photos of them with their wives and children! Where is the discretion in that? Even better is the amount of men sending shots of their very erect private parts. Yep, you read that correctly. I'm sure the wives would be completely shocked to discover that pictures of their husbands private parts are all over the internet. Very professional, successful men are sending pictures of their junk to any female profile. I have never laughed so hard while doing some investigating on this site. One guy even sent a picture of his ass. Now, I do not know what men are thinking. We women have an amazing ability to visualize just fine. I have a terrific imagination, so I do NOT need to see a picture of a guys junk. It does nothing for me. Every woman I know says the same thing. We all prefer to be surprised by the entire package once intimacy takes place. Unlike men, we are not visual creatures. Men are just as clueless on the singles sites. They post cheesy pics of themselves half naked in the bathroom mirror or pictures of them driving. Really? Are the car shots to make sure we know they own a car and can pick us up for a date? How are those pictures appealing? The car shots look more like mug shots. The bathroom pics are some desperate attempt to look sexy. It's not. I love reading the profiles of men saying they want frequent long romantic walks, holding hands, endless flirting, yet they specify that they are not looking for love or commitment of any kind and seek exploring the woman's naughty side. Hmmmmm...basically they are saying "I want sex, lots of it...I won't give a shit about you but I will tell you all the romantic things you want to hear to get you naked." One guy that just e-mailed me is a handsome, 30 year old man...yet he's already cheating on his wife and even specifies that he's looking for one night stands and threesomes. All I can say to that is "wow." Not sure what kind of gal would take him up on that...but I'm sure there are plenty of women who feel bad enough about themselves to take him up on his offer. Another single man on the site e-mailed a friend of mine who also has a profile. She told him that she would only use him for an orgy with all of her friends (as a joke)...and without even seeing a picture of her, was willing to meet her. My friend and I have been baffled by these men. Many of them are willing to meet a complete stranger for sex...and most of them tell my friends profile one thing and tell my profile something different. My friend plays the naughty girl and the men are willing to line up (lawyers, doctors... retirees, you name it) to have a turn with her. Those same men e-mail my nice girl profile saying that they are gentlemen who would wine and dine me. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it for myself! The singles sites are just as crazy. The men on those sites just sell the "love" card more, even though many of those men are just looking for sex as well. Now, men have told me that they have come across many women playing the same game. Many women write that they want a relationship, only to jump the man on the first date. What has happened to relationships in our society? What happened to integrity and honor? I know that affairs are going to happen and are often a catalyst. I am not judging that process...I am disturbed about the lack of personal accountability and integrity in how one puts themselves out there. Some people have open marriages or at least very honest in what they are looking for and available for. It's the deception that is concerning. The deal is this....a person who is not genuine will eventually give themselves away. A person cannot maintain their facade for too long without some discrepancies beginning to show. Women and men need to take that time to figure out if someone is who they really say they are. The genuine person will remain consistent. Most importantly, trust your gut when you are getting to know someone. If something doesn't feel right....pay attention to that! "My concern is how we learn to be genuine human beings"...(Lloyd Alexander).

Waiting For A Star

"To us also, through every star, through every blade of grass, is not God made visible if we will open our minds and our eyes"...(Thomas Carlyle). What if I told you that you are a star. Yes, as cliche as that sounds, if women valued themselves more and felt like stars, they wouldn't lower themselves to giving themselves away, being manipulated or otherwise self degrading behaviors. Women also lower themselves when they think they are being powerful by being caddy, manipulative, selfish, cruel or controlling. Being confident exudes a presence like no other. It is the ability to be firm, aware, savvy yet compassionate and caring. Our greatest strength as women is our ability to feel. I believe a confident woman is strong in her sensibilities yet emotionally balanced. I am proud of the fact that I am feeling oriented, yet I will not allow my feelings to get in the way of a decision that is best for me. Women need to balance their masculine (logical) with their feelings. Often men dismiss women because women get bogged down and overwhelmed with their feelings. When a woman is consumed by emotions, she cannot think clearly or necessarily protect herself. Men have a different challenge in today's society. They need to become more comfortable with their feminine sides, thus feelings. I have come across men that say they feel. They will cry, appear to emote and talk the talk, yet they are so far gone from feeling that it's astounding. Those men deceive themselves and women. They can be the most ruthless, heartless men of them all because they believe they are really feeling when in fact they have learned to use emotions to get what they want. Hey, women are guilty of that as well. I cannot stress enough how being honest with oneself is the first step in an authentic life. Being a star means being true to yourself. So many people are living false lives, hiding behind their masks. I come across so few genuine people. Why are people afraid to be themselves? It's not an easy process to really face yourself. It's much easier to dodge and weave your way through life. There is a price to pay for that however. You leave such a karmic mess by manipulating people, that you'll have to come back to make amends for all the harm you've imposed. Living a facade is such deception however and the easy way out. People live that way because it gives them a sense of control and safety. Daring to be yourself means to shake loose old beliefs, push through fears and to actually feel vulnerable. The lessons of the here and now are all about waking up. An awakening is really just what it sounds like...suddenly becoming aware of what you had not seen before and finally coming into your own existence. My message today...dare to find your light within, to be authentic, free and honest in who you are. Being a star is a gift that lies dormant in us all....but few are brave enough to uncover our unlimited potential. "You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star"...(Friedrich Nietzsche).

All or Nothing

All I want is everything...a passionate kiss, a warm embrace, a smile, laughter, flirting and butterflies in my stomach while desire stirs and builds a blissful connection. I love the line...I want it all, or nothing at all. I am tired of people playing it safe and refusing to commit or follow their hearts in any way. So many men seem to be following one thing..their libido, not their hearts. Perhaps many are just so detached from their hearts that the only thing they can feel is their desire for sex. Desiring sex is pretty easy..it's hardwired into the body really. Look, we are all sexual beings, but there is no denying that the male libido is usually higher than that of a female. Women generally have more control over their desires. We take longer to arouse, so we are not often led by our libido's. Many women have the opposite problem of men....usually emotional issues, self consciousness and insecurities get in the way of the woman being able to be more uninhibited. Am I crazy to want it all? A passionate relationship with feelings. Is it near impossible to find a sexually and emotionally confident man? I'm asking because I have observed a lot of men...sacrificing their families and their pride to get women into bed. When I say sacrificing...I have become aware of a dating site that primary focuses on men and women searching for affairs. Men out number the women drastically on the site. Many of the men make excuses as to why they let their libido lead them. They tell women things like, "I just have an insatiable sex drive," or they of course claim that there is no passion with their wives. I find the same problem on the singles dating sites. Some men claiming to want relationships really only want casual flings and many other men simply state that they are looking for intimate encounters. Men are searching for sex but running from feelings...and sure...some women are too. It has really surprised me how many men will just tell women what they want to hear to get them into bed. Women really need to be more savvy about this. Sure, women are told this but in my observations....more often than not, a lot of men will say anything to get laid. The sad part is that many naive women end up hurt when men mislead them, thinking that there is a relationship building and the bottom line is that the men just wanted sex and they move on. Why can't there be clearer communication about this instead of lies, misleading communication and manipulation? Men have their gripes about flakey women. I'm sure that many women are guilty of misleading men as well. My other concern is how some men allow flirting and initial desire to build only to flee when they start to feel. It just makes men look as if they only wanted sex. What happened to honor in relationships? All or nothing...thats my challenge. I wish that people expected more from themselves and others rather than running, hiding, misleading or playing it safe. If I hear one more time from my female clients that the men they are dating say that they are "not looking for drama or a serious relationship at the moment"....I think I will scream. If I've heard it once, I've certainly heard it a thousand times. What does that mean really? Drama means emotions. Yes, often women do not know how to communicate directly, so men become overwhelmed by a woman's emotions. Claiming to not want a serious relationship right now is a cop out. It's saying...I don't want a relationship with you, but I'll gladly continue to date and sleep with you while you hold out hope that I'll be ready one day. It also could mean that the man is afraid of his feelings and it's just safer to escape with that line of bull. Either way, many women are simply left baffled and frustrated. No wonder many women may appear flakey. Most have been told a pack of lies over and over that they begin to mistrust all men. Men have been misled as well by women who claim to want commitment and yet they ditch the nice men for the bad boys every chance they get. The bottom line is that women and men need to become empowered in their dating lives. Women need to protect themselves emotionally...and to reserve their hearts for the truly brave men who prove themselves to be honorable. And men...they need to be more honest in their approach with women. "Of all the properties which belong to honorable men, not one is so highly prized as that of character"...(Henry Clay).