Thanksgiving Bliss

 Expectations lead to misery, while hope allows for possibilities. I have realized that I use to lead my life with too many expectations. I would plan Thanksgiving with a list of expectations that I didn't even fully realize I had. I look back to the many Thanksgiving where I was miserable because I either felt like I had dropped the ball, like when my kids were young and I was working and I didn't get to the store to buy things to cook, and my now ex-husband did not get to the store either. Of course, the difference was he could care less about what we ate on Thanksgiving as long as he wasn't cooking it, so he was free from pressure while I felt like a bad wife and mother. That Thanksgiving we went out to eat at a local burger joint and the kids were thrilled. Yet, I harshly judged myself as having not met some sort of expectation I had running in the background. Fast forward to many holidays when I did get all of the food, invited family, and yet it still felt stressful and as if it didn't meet an expectation. What was the expectation? Perfection? family getting along? Norman Rockwell version of a holiday? I don't know but this year, I realized that I have evolved past expectations and it's darn freeing. This Thanksgiving, thanks to the pandemic, we kept it simple and devoid of expectations. I ordered a pre-cooked meal from Sprouts, bought a few things to make from scratch, bought pies at Marie Calendars (I expected those to be delicious, lol), and the kids and I approached the holiday from a new perspective. My daughter and I enjoyed making latte's and playing backgammon on Thanksgiving morning, we walked, I took a hot bath, the boys slept in and played X-Box, and my daughter played the piano (her happy place). We warmed up the meal as it got dark, we sat down together with the fire blazing in the fireplace behind us and we were happy. That's when it struck me, that all of the years that I had run around trying to please everyone, attempting to fit into a version of Thanksgiving I had created had put a lot of pressure on myself and my family. I wasn't living in the moment. This Thanksgiving, I was in the flow....absolutely being in the moment, enjoying what each moment offered. I wasn't stressed, we all did things we wanted and then came together for a meal dressed casually, just being ourselves. No pressure, no expectations, no pleasing others, just a simple and enjoyable day. At the end of the day, while sitting in the front of the fire reading, I finally understood what bliss feels like. It wasn't a state of trying to feel something, it was just being in the flow, appreciating each moment and allowing each moment to be what it is without judgement or pressure to be something else. Now, I will approach Christmas with the same hope...to allow it to unfold naturally. I will purchase a pre-cooked meal again, buy delicious pies the day before and make the few dishes I enjoy cooking, and I look forward to a day in which we all get what we want, a relaxing day without me projecting a list of "should be's." If the lock-down and pandemic can teach us anything, it's that we all needed to slow down and take stock about what is truly important. 

The Wild West of Cancer Treatments

       I am about to start a new research study this week. It is the wild west of treatment options and I have no idea what to expect. I'm more hopeful than nervous, yet some nervousness is to be expected. I'm embarking on a path that doctors do not know what to expect. The company that designed the drug is surely hoping that the drug will do what they designed it to do without causing too much harm to the patient. We are all hoping for miracles through science. Unlike chemotherapy, where we all know what to expect generally, like throwing a  nuclear bomb at cancer, it also throws toxins at every organ, cell, and muscle in the body, causing too many side effects to list. Of course, along with the hopes that chemo will halt or kill cancer in its tracks, it also decimates the immune system, sometimes causing long term organ damage to the heart, lungs, and kidneys, as well as subtle side effects like lowered white blood counts for years and chemo brain (where we swear we have long term memory issues resulting from the chemo). Chemotherapy has its place, since it, along with surgery and radiation have been the main treatment protocols for cancer patients. The protocols and options have been expanding and now there is less harmful chemotherapy (some are maintenance chemotherapies), plus a whole host of immunotherapy and research studies working on a T-cell response. It's actually an exciting time in cancer research and I am lucky to have the options I have since 5 years ago, the options and study's we have today just did not exist. I cannot wait to be one of the pioneers in research. The researchers are hard at work trying to come up with better, less harmful ways to treat and hopefully cure cancer but their research is no good unless they have people willing to join the effort and be the test subjects. I look at it this way, I have stage 4 cancer that is considered incurable. I was in one research study for a year and a half, and at that time, the drug I was taking slowed the growth of my tumors. I had a chance to take a drug that is not yet FDA approved, and I was one of the subjects that it worked for. It didn't cure my cancer but it slowed it down further, seemed to prevent new tumors from forming and I gave lots of data in my daily journal to help them understand how this drug affected me. I have no doubt that the drug I was taking will be FDA approved in the near future. Now I head into a riskier study. This is a phase one study, while the last study I was in was a phase three study. This study will require infusions weekly at first and 2-3 days of tests and observations weekly. I say, bring it on! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I can lose big or I can gain big. The biggest risk is severe side effects, which is always a risk with any study. The risks seem relatively low, however, compared to other treatments, but still, one never knows what to expect with a new treatment, especially one with little data on human subjects. I've researched the company that is leading this study and their science is exciting, to say the least. If they can prompt the immune system to do its job to kill cancer, with lower side effects than current protocols, people can be cured of cancer or at least live longer lives with fewer side effects. I can't wait to report to everyone how this treatment affects me and I am hopeful that the molecules they inject into me, do precisely what they have been designed to do. The most concerning side effects seem to be lowered blood pressure and an extreme immune system response that can be a crisis, which is why they will be observing me for over 24 hours for the first couple of infusions. Here I go....starting Tuesday Morning, I will get my first infusion as I arrive bright and early at the clinic at 6am. Wish me luck, send prayers and I'll keep you all posted! 

Joshua Tree

https://youtu.be/YG_UaewFQCg

Stay Focused

Link to Stay Focused

Happy 2020!

This is my third New Year’s as a cancer warrior. In 2017, I celebrated heading into 2018 on New Year’s, I had no hair and I knew that 2018 would bring the loss of a limb on January 9th. On New Year’s eve 2018, I had recently found out that the cancer had metastasized to my lungs and I knew that 2019 would be uncertain as I headed into a research study beginning in January 2019. Now, on this New Year’s Eve, I head into 2020 with some faith that the research study is buying me time and keeping my cancer stable. I don’t take anything for granted. I know that each year I live is truly a gift. I’ve watched some of my fellow cancer warriors lose their fight along the way and we’ve all lost some loved ones in 2019 to car accidents, heart attacks, and other unforeseen conditions. Life is unpredictable. I’m excited for 2020. I don’t have a pretend version of perfection for 2020. I’m all too aware that life is beautiful and messy all at the same time. Yesterday I was sobbing most of the day, and today.. the sun is shining and the sky’s are blue as I walk to Starbucks for my latte. Life is so simple really.. love, forgiveness, feelings, joy, tears, anger, hope, hugs and more forgiveness. We are all a work in progress and life is way too short to hold onto fear, grudges, and anger. Yes... express anger and then move on, apologize or ask for forgiveness and then live.. with all of your heart. We have no guarantees about how long we get to be here. I’m in awe every day... even through my tears, I’m in awe. In fact.. I’m in awe of my tears.. because my tears reflect the depth of my pain... they express what my words can barely touch. My tears are so pure and honest and they honor my feelings. I’m so happy that I’m at a point that I honor my tears as much as I honor my joy. I hope you all can laugh and cry with all of your heart in 2020 and that you find happiness in the simple things. I hope you can forgive those who have hurt you and find the courage to walk away from those who refuse to honor you. We can’t change others but we can send them love and move on. Forgiveness is freedom! It releases us from the bondage of victimhood and blame and opens us up to spread more joy and love. If I’ve ever hurt anyone who might be reading this.. I’m very sorry. Please forgive me. 🙏 Truly. We are all perfectly imperfect and that’s why life is just so amazing. 

On a side note... after I wrote this (in draft form) while enjoying my latte at Starbucks, I got up to head back out on my walk and a woman walked in front of me who hurt Taylor and myself years ago and it’s obvious she harbors anger as she ignored me and walked right by. My brain thought of a few choice words for her that were quietly in my thoughts and then I stopped and a calm presence reminded me to follow my own advice, so instead, I said in my thoughts, “I forgive her.” Then as I walked to the crosswalk and I had the right of way, a car cut me off, almost hitting me (not the same lady in Starbucks, lol). Another moment to say, “I forgive her.” In a matter of 5 minutes, I was reminded and shown that forgiveness is a daily and hourly process! 

My latest scan shows a slight growth of 1mm of the target tumor and slight growth of a couple of other small nodules but the doctor is happy and says my disease is “stable.” 

Happy New Year everyone!!! Here’s hoping that 2020 is filled with love, new beginnings, letting go of fears, profound connections, insight, lots of hugs and hope. If you need a hug....come and find me. I’ll give you a BIG hug! 

XOXO much love! 

Denise ❤️