This is my third New Year’s as a cancer warrior. In 2017, I celebrated heading into 2018 on New Year’s, I had no hair and I knew that 2018 would bring the loss of a limb on January 9th. On New Year’s eve 2018, I had recently found out that the cancer had metastasized to my lungs and I knew that 2019 would be uncertain as I headed into a research study beginning in January 2019. Now, on this New Year’s Eve, I head into 2020 with some faith that the research study is buying me time and keeping my cancer stable. I don’t take anything for granted. I know that each year I live is truly a gift. I’ve watched some of my fellow cancer warriors lose their fight along the way and we’ve all lost some loved ones in 2019 to car accidents, heart attacks, and other unforeseen conditions. Life is unpredictable. I’m excited for 2020. I don’t have a pretend version of perfection for 2020. I’m all too aware that life is beautiful and messy all at the same time. Yesterday I was sobbing most of the day, and today.. the sun is shining and the sky’s are blue as I walk to Starbucks for my latte. Life is so simple really.. love, forgiveness, feelings, joy, tears, anger, hope, hugs and more forgiveness. We are all a work in progress and life is way too short to hold onto fear, grudges, and anger. Yes... express anger and then move on, apologize or ask for forgiveness and then live.. with all of your heart. We have no guarantees about how long we get to be here. I’m in awe every day... even through my tears, I’m in awe. In fact.. I’m in awe of my tears.. because my tears reflect the depth of my pain... they express what my words can barely touch. My tears are so pure and honest and they honor my feelings. I’m so happy that I’m at a point that I honor my tears as much as I honor my joy. I hope you all can laugh and cry with all of your heart in 2020 and that you find happiness in the simple things. I hope you can forgive those who have hurt you and find the courage to walk away from those who refuse to honor you. We can’t change others but we can send them love and move on. Forgiveness is freedom! It releases us from the bondage of victimhood and blame and opens us up to spread more joy and love. If I’ve ever hurt anyone who might be reading this.. I’m very sorry. Please forgive me. 🙏 Truly. We are all perfectly imperfect and that’s why life is just so amazing.
On a side note... after I wrote this (in draft form) while enjoying my latte at Starbucks, I got up to head back out on my walk and a woman walked in front of me who hurt Taylor and myself years ago and it’s obvious she harbors anger as she ignored me and walked right by. My brain thought of a few choice words for her that were quietly in my thoughts and then I stopped and a calm presence reminded me to follow my own advice, so instead, I said in my thoughts, “I forgive her.” Then as I walked to the crosswalk and I had the right of way, a car cut me off, almost hitting me (not the same lady in Starbucks, lol). Another moment to say, “I forgive her.” In a matter of 5 minutes, I was reminded and shown that forgiveness is a daily and hourly process!
My latest scan shows a slight growth of 1mm of the target tumor and slight growth of a couple of other small nodules but the doctor is happy and says my disease is “stable.”
Happy New Year everyone!!! Here’s hoping that 2020 is filled with love, new beginnings, letting go of fears, profound connections, insight, lots of hugs and hope. If you need a hug....come and find me. I’ll give you a BIG hug!
XOXO much love!
Denise ❤️
