Quick!

There is only one thing worse than going through the motions in a relationship........,going through the motions while having sex! So many couples settle on mediocre sex. Why do so many couples think it is okay to have sex with their partners when they have said no, implied no or rolled their eyes and act like it's a chore? Why do women say no and allow themselves to be coerced into sex? Why would any woman with self respect allow this behavior? Why would any man with self respect push having sex with their partners by begging, pleading and guilting them until they begrudgingly say fine but say, "hurry it along!" How do men and women find any pleasure in that? Is this what we want to teach our son's, to put their needs ahead of their partners when they grow up? Is this what we want to teach our daughters, to put their partner's needs ahead of and at the expense of their own? By the way, sometimes the roles are reversed and it can be the woman as the assertive one and the man as the passive. It does happen on occasion. What has happened to the intimacy in relationships? How did mutual respect, self respect and true connection leave our unions...or has this become a new normal? This is just crazy! I have counseled hundreds of men and women over the years and dare I say, almost all considered the practice of "getting it over with" as normal! This should not be okay. Relationships should not be based on fear, intimidation or even obligation. Of course two individuals in a partnership might have different sex drives and a couple might need to discuss how to meet each other's needs since sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. It is important for couples to discuss their sex lives, talk about what they need, what is missing and how to increase intimacy. The problem is that many couples are not talking about sex or feelings. They fall into games of avoidance and the "get it over with" behavior which satisfies both parties for awhile but builds resentment and walls. The other avoidance game going on is that some couples are not having sex at all, or rarely. We need to shift. The power plays and games need to stop. We need to question why we allow those behaviors in the first place. Both men and women should not settle on disconnected sex. With disconnected sex you can lose self-respect, lose respect for your partner, lose trust in the relationship, lose freedom, lose connection to your bodies, lose interest in sex, resentment grows, begin hating sex and may even begin hating your partner. Not healthy! Couples need to get back to mutual respect and love. Better not to have sex until the power struggle can be resolved and two individuals can rebuild their relationship into one that is mutually satisfying and based on trust. If that is just not possible then perhaps it is time to question why you are staying in the relationship. We need to stop the insanity happening in relationships. Your sex life is only as healthy as the relationship itself. It all boils down to love. Love yourself enough to honor your body and take care of you. Love yourself to say no and stand your ground. Respect each other's boundaries and discuss making changes in the relationship. If your partner is in denial and wants to keep the status quo........refuse to play the old games with them. Make yourself healthier and you have only to gain. A healthy relationship starts with honest communication and working together to create a relationship that supports both individuals.

The Marriage Challenge

Our society sells us on an image of marriage. As children, it is assumed that we will get married and have children. As young adults, friends and family apply pressure asking, "Hey, when are you going to settle down?" Women in their late twenties start to panic if they are not hitched yet. We are sold a glamorous, glossy, magazine type image of marital bliss. Yet, statistics and divorce rates paint a different picture. The reality is that we are told to get married, but not advised or supported on how to stay married. I have noticed that people around me have married 2-3 times. One could wonder if maturity and experience helped people find the right partners, but I think sometimes people become too tired to go through another divorce and decide they don't want to lose anymore assets, time and money. I don't mean to sound a bit jaded, but the divorce rate is higher for second marriages than it is for first marriages. In addition, I know too many people who without insight or therapy, and having done no work on themselves, launch into another marriage with a spouse similar to the one they divorced. I'm sure you know a few people who fit that description as well! So where does this leave us? It leaves us wondering about relationships and certainly brings up the issue...why are relationships falling apart? I have pondered this issue extensively and have lost sleep thinking about it. Fear of intimacy and vulnerability are my conclusion. Love is important, but we've all been in love with someone that may have loved us, but they could not overcome their intimacy issues. When a partner fears intimacy, or the intimacy and love you provide goes beyond what they've ever experienced, a defense pops up to put up barriers or speed bumps, to slow things down. Often the person is unaware that they are doing this. Barriers are simply "pushing away" tactics like picking fights, staying at work long hours, becoming needy (yes-that pushes the other person away or the person being pushed away from can get very needy), and cheating to name a few. The pushing away tactics keep the person safe from feeling vulnerable because they create drama or distance to distract themselves and often it distracts the partner as well. How can you get close and feel intimate with someone lying to you or pushing you away? You can't or at least it's extremely difficult. Sometimes, you have a moment of closeness and perhaps a breakthrough with your partner only to find the pushing away tactics get worse afterwards. These tactics can of course demolish the love that brought the two people together in the first place. Often the pushing away tactics create a backlash effect with the partner being pushed away. I've seen it time and time again that the partner with infinite patience and love finally gives up. Of course, nobody but god has infinite patience so a normal person with the need for connection and intimacy finally leaves the partner due to loneliness, frustration, anger, or all of the above. Of course, the people with absolute terror of intimacy, never commit and at least those people leave the relationship before it gets too serious. The one's that don't think they have intimacy issues are the one's causing havoc. Everyone has some intimacy issues! The first step is to admit that. Second, each person's tolerance of intimacy may vary, so partners need to discuss this! Often this is the pink elephant in the room that nobody is discussing. Two people in a partnership with varying intimacy capacity is like a 160 watt bulb being screwed into a 60 watt lamp. It may fit and it may turn on, however the bulb can melt the lamp and the lamp might burn out. Either way, there has to be adjustments so that the person with a higher capacity and need for connection can work effectively with a partner that requires very low wattage intimacy because a little is a lot to someone who might have had so little connection growing up. The worse thing that can be done is to ignore the issue. A person can increase their ability to tolerate closeness and connection, but it takes time, a lot of effort and work to push through one's defenses to distance. Fear of vulnerability is of course the root of intimacy issues and everyone has to work through vulnerabilities. Being with a partner that you are committed to working through these fears with is a healthy start to building something that can hopefully stand the test of time. Relationships too heavily damaged by distancing tactics may have built a Berlin Wall that is too difficult to scale and those couples eventually separate or they stay together as friendly enemies. Love is not the answer, it is the spark, and the hope, and the tears, but love is not enough if fears cannot be overcome.

Releasing the Victim Energy

"Poor me," she said in her ongoing gripes about her husband. She didn't say that directly, but she implied it constantly in her list of complaints about how badly her husband treats her. We all know a woman like that, at least one if not more. He always has a commentary about how his boss knows nothing and he's smarter than his co-workers and if his boss had any brains, he'd be promoted because he's the brightest one there and the only one who knows what he's doing. We all know that guy too. His co-workers secretly despise him and he eventually gets fired and of course that's not his fault either. These people are victims. We have all been there, even slightly. Being a victim is the exact opposite of being empowered. Being negative is one thing as I mentioned in my previous article, but being a victim is a different kind of negativity. Victim energy keeps the person from feeling in control of one's life. Why would someone do that? Easy, because they are scared, don't feel strong enough to take charge and the easiest thing to do is to blame someone else. Some victims are exaggerating things and lying about how they are victimized, others actually attract abusers that hurt them physically or emotionally. The lesson is to gain the strength to grow from the experience and either set necessary boundaries or leave the situation. The problem is when victims, who might have had the chance to be positive...gain their own attention by now joining "Team Negative." Team negative means they can martyr themselves (showing everyone that they put up with their spouses abuses such as lying, cheating, etc), and they can torture their abuser with guilt. This victim cycle is negative for both partners. The victim sometimes covers for the abuser and often starts to harm others too through their increased negativity. Team negative grows stronger and you have two sides of the negative coin. One person being mean and belligerent and the spouse playing victim, acting like they have no other choice but to stay. We all know that nobody has to stay in a horrible situation. People make excuses to stay victims. Victims are sharks pretending to be dolphins. They are actually sharks too, perpetuating a vicious negative cycle. I don't want to give sharks a bad rap. No animal is bad or good. Each animal has different traits that we can learn from and use when needed. We all need a bit of shark sometimes to defend oneself and to protect one's territory when needed. Sharks are innovative, powerful, perceptive and represent survival. Negative people are trying to survive, using their defenses to do so. The problem is, negative people and victims do not feel powerful. Their manipulation, deceipt, "poor me," complaining and overall poor attitude covers up their vulnerabilities and fear. Their shark exterior is willing to hurt anyone who crosses them and they retaliate both intentionally or passive aggressively since their defense to cover up how weak they really feel. Ever watch reality TV or know a friend that comes off as the victim but never leaves her situation? Some of these women even lie in court about their abusers to stay connected to them. On a lighter note, many people have the lesson of victim to overcome. Even an empowered person can fall backwards occasionally and allow victim energy to attempt to lure them into negative feelings. The key, to take ownership of those feelings and to not let them have unnecessary power over you. This takes practice. Just like yoga takes time to master as each muscle needs lots of time to stretch until your core is stronger, feeling empowered and releasing the victim takes time and effort as well. If you are reading this and realize that you feel trapped in a victim cycle, ask yourself this: What are you afraid of if you released the victim? What gain are you garnishing from staying a victim. Do you like the life you've created by being negative or staying a victim? Even if you recognize areas on your life that you still feel like a victim, take the time to consciously acknowledge (and honor) the victim in you and set out to release the victim energy through breathe. Be patient and keep honoring yet releasing the victim each time you recognize it in your thoughts or behaviors. Shift into the dolphin mode and you immediately are calling on the energy of balance, change, love, freedom, trust, breathe and communication skills. You can be free of the victim if you really want to. Nobody is stopping you except yourself.

Free Yourself from Negative People

Positive and negative energy do not go well together. Think about it. A positive spark and negative actually repel each other. Same thing with people. People complain all of the time about how badly some people treat them. There is a saying...."you teach people how to treat you." That couldn't be more true. You teach them by allowing, laughing off, and ignoring bad behavior. Even if you lecture them on how to treat you.....if the behavior does not change, then you are allowing them to treat you badly. I use to think that if I voiced how I felt, I was being strong. It is a process of becoming stronger, but true strength lies in being able to walk away. Don't be a martyr, putting up with awful behavior hoping you'll get brownie points for that. You'll get an ulcer, headaches and spend lots of money in therapy hoping you can understand why someone is treating you horribly. Complaining may help you feel better but distancing from negative people is the best approach. Ultimately, once you realize that negative people were literally sucking the life out of you (energetically-this couldn't be more true), you will stop attracting them into your life at all. You'll spot them from a mile away and take a different path! Trust me, the negative person is equally annoyed by you but they get some benefit from positive energy. First, positive people are easier to manipulate and they can use guilt and sympathy to get you to help them. Negative people can easily use positive people to their benefit! Those negative folk will use every bit of energy you freely give to them and they'll want more. Negative people use sales tactics to keep you close. They will act like they are in crisis, they always think everyone is against them (and you are right there to take them to lunch and cheer them up) and they complain endlessly. Guess what, if they are complaining endlessly about others, they are complaining about you behind your back. They are also likely telling lies about you. Why? Because they can and to make sure that they recruit every bit of sympathy from everyone around them, especially if someone wises up about them. Negative people have no loyalty except to themselves and they have no guilt, but they are actors and they'll give you an Oscar worthy performance to show you how distraught they are. If you say, "Hey can you you help me out today, I'm in a real pinch," (mind you, positive people rarely ask for help and when they do, it's not easy for them to ask), negative people will say "no" and tell you that they have a crisis bigger than yours or they'll just say, "nope. I'm busy." They don't operate on the same feeling orientated...help others mentality that positive people do. Their approach is always, "what's in it for me." So please stop wasting your time trying to convert or save negative people. They are perfectly happy being negative (and selfish). Why? Because, they gain a lot of secondary gain (perks) in being negative. They recruit a lot of support and attention and they have people running around doing things for them. In addition, some negative people will keep everyone guessing, creating drama everywhere they turn. They endlessly tell people their woes about how "so and so" is mean to them. They are stuck in a pattern that garnishes attention and power, so they will unlikely want to give that up unless they choose to,....and they rarely choose to. What do these negative neighbors look like? They see the glass half full; They don't appreciate your support and will tell you what you've done wrong the minute you try to pull away from them; They'll guilt you into staying in a relationship/friendship/colleages with them: They'll set out to sabotage you if you dare to call them out on their behavior and they are just plain mean! They do mean spirited things that will make your toes curl in shock. The best part is they'll cover up their cruel behavior with defenses.. "I never did that, said that, etc., you are making that up." I swear, I think negative people have amnesia. Their behavior even shocks them, so they choose to forget it. Don't you forget it though! Their other defense is to be dismissive, to ignore your feelings and say "you are exaggerating, or you deserved that." These negative people are our best teachers however. They teach positive people to set boundaries, to be strong, to trust our gut, to speak up and to be strong enough to walk away. Stronger yet...is to steer clear of them. Sounds easier said than done. These negative people I speak about are everywhere, like sharks swimming in the ocean. We share the same sea with them and we must cohabitate. Dolphins and sharks co-exist, so can we...., since they are literally in our social circles, parents of our children's friends, co-workers, family members, the cashier at the grocery store, and so on. Steer clear means....,avoid getting pulled in by them. Don't feel badly about not wanting to be around them (trust what your intuition is telling you-or your stomach in knots around them), distance yourself and keep things cordial. They'll move on and look for unsuspecting positive people they can prey on. Why do positive people get pulled in by negative people? Often positive people have loads of compassion but no radar telling them, "Caution-shark ahead!" Their radar may have been stunted during childhood, when they were told to be nice to everyone, play fair and never exclude anyone. Hey, being nice is one thing but toxic people that will hurt you are to be avoided. How many parents tell their children that? We do not have to be best friends with everyone. Protecting ourselves is as important as teaching our kids to swim, so they won't drown. We need to be aware, like the dolphin that senses danger and heads a different direction. Have you ever heard of a dolphin heading straight toward a shark....hoping to change the shark into a dolphin? Just ludicrous. Attention: Positive people....,be yourself, attract more kind people like yourself and stop trying to change sharks into dolphins, unless you want to be shark bait. Happy swimming.....

Let Freedom Reign

"Man is born free, yet he is everywhere in chains." (Jean Jacques Rousseau) What does it take to be healthy in your mind, body and spirit. Where do I begin!? That is such a complicated yet ironically simple answer. The answer is simple but everyone makes it complicated. You have to be healthy in your head first. You can try to be healthy in your habits but if you aren't healthy in your mind, your mind will undermine all of your efforts in maintaining healthy habits. Your mind has to be on board. Often people set out to do hypnosis, read books to change habits, join clubs and so on. These things work for awhile but slowly the person slips back into the unhealthy lifestyle they've always lived. So the first key component is a healthy mind. The healthy mind will say I WILL and then all of the supportive techniques like self-help books, spiritual support, therapy, and clubs, merely reinforce the person's I WILL attitude. The second key component is about change. To change one's mindset and to then change your life means you must embrace change. Most people resist change. People don't even realize how scared they are of change! Many will say,"well, I tried a new restaurant this week!" That's not change. I'm talking about being open to change and then heading into change, wherever that may lead. Change means heading into unfamiliar and often uncomfortable territory which means letting go of what is known. Heading into the unknown is exhilarating yet scary. Change breeds the best opportunity for personal growth and yet many succumb to fear.... refusing to grow from the experience. What does that fear look like? It appears as complaining, pointing out all of the things you dislike about the changes and often the person does everything possible to go back to the way it was, even if the way it was wasn't healthy or was stagnating growth. The refusal and fear of change affects all levels of society from corporations, families, school systems, and governments. Often things will get to a breaking point and systems then have no other choice but to change but the resistance is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. The key, to embrace change gracefully rather than with hostility or denial. Some changes we instigate and others are forced on us, but either way... it's an opportunity to learn something. Let's face it, everything changes. Comfort and security is really an illusion. It is a necessary illusion at times but it's not real. Things change every passing moment from the time, the season's, the tides, people die, people are born, kids grow up, weather wipes out towns, and so on. Change is ever present and embracing that fact will make it easier to flow with change more easily rather than trying to get into a debate with change. Change always wins the argument. There is a guy that lived in a neighborhood in his parents garage. He didn't change but the neighborhood changed around him. The neighborhood kids grew up and moved away, his parents grew old, some houses fell to pieces, while others were renovated. An old church down the street was torn down. He went from being a 22 year old to a 62 year old, living in the same garage. He couldn't stop change, even though he never moved from his spot. Change happened anyway, even to someone that never moved on. To recap, the first two key components to being healthy are a healthy mind and being open to change. The third key factor... the willingness to reinvent yourself. What does that mean, you say. The energy of change brings about new inventions, discovering things previously unimagined and it brings about the opportunity to reinvent yourself. If change brings about new discoveries, why can't you discover that you too can completely shed old patterns and experience life on your terms. Of course if you fear change and you stay stagnated, being led by an unhealthy mind, then your opportunities are limited. If however, you say I WILL, you head into change with an open mind and thus your unhealthy habits that were previously distracting you and keeping you in an unhealthy cycle start to fall away... and then guess what happens? You can be and do anything because you are free. I must preface, the opposite happens if you resist change because the unhealthy mind sabotages and unhealthy habits increase!! That's why often you see people drink more, eat more, gain weight, lose weight, get sick, increase prescription drugs., etc, when change is being resisted. That is why it is imperative to challenge one's resistant thoughts and assess why change is so feared. Once you are free however, you see unlimited possibilities in front of you. Freedom...defined as independence, self-rule, and autonomy. A healthy person in mind, body and spirit is a person who is free. "A slave is one who waits for someone to come and free him." (Ezra Pound)

Feelings Rule!

I love a good hike! Hiking connects me to nature, to balance and to the simple things in life. While hiking, I feel more fully engaged in the moment. I love the song by Matthew West, The Motions. The words are as follows: "This might hurt, it's not safe but I know that I've gotta make a change. I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something. Just okay is not enough, help me fight through the nothingness of life. I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day, without your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking, what if I had given everything.... instead of going through the motions." This song say's it so beautifully. Who hasn't gone through the motions at some point in their lives? We all have. Dare I say that many people are sleep walking thru their lives. The song by Matthew West is about spirituality but also reminds me of a higher calling and waking up, feeling and wanting more. While hiking, it's kinda tough to go through the motions. Hiking forces you to stay in each moment, to connect and feel every step that you take. It engages you physically on so may levels, like all forms of exercise. Perhaps that is why exercising is a natural anti-depressant. We are forced while hiking, running, etc, to give our minds some time off. Whenever I am hiking, if I start to think too much I either trip or my heart beating so fast pulls me back to the task at hand, to focus on the moment. We all live roles but are we feeling the moment...... and if so, what are we feeling? Feelings are what makes us human. It's pretty amazing to be human. As human beings we feel hurt, pain, sadness, joy, excitement, ecstasy, passion, love, fear and more. Much better to feel the array of emotions we have rather than feeling nothing at all. I counsel people day in and day out. They generally come to counseling in crisis with symptoms of depression and anxiety. The main problem is that they have been pushing down how they have really feeling for years. The symptoms of depression and anxiety wake them up! They usually look at me with surprise when I normalize what they are feeling and say, "you are just feeling, now it's time to sort out what you have really been feeling but pushing away." Like a child that tries to get their mom's attention with repeated verses of "mom", pulling on their shirt and whining until the child realizes mom is not paying attention and they head off to pull their sisters' hair. There, that got her attention! Symptoms are the wake up call, the screaming child within, trying to get your attention.... to wake up. Feelings are so natural yet we all have learned so many ways to suppress, deny and avoid them. In addition, people often don't want to really admit what they are feeling. To fully admit is to break the denial. If you admit you hate your life, then you feel helpless or worse, scared that you actually might want to change some things. Scarier yet though is to be dead inside, denying reality. What nature reminds me on a hike is that there is perfect balance, a spiritual dance of the elements, the animals, insects and the weather. Everything works in harmony. Once you start allowing your feelings to flow more naturally you can feel more in the moment like nature at any given moment. It just takes permission....you must consciously allow your feelings to flow forth like a waterfall flowing freely. The challenge, to not judge but observe what you are feeling. A good hike, walk, yoga, run or just sitting in nature can help you begin the process of allowing your emotions to unfold. There are no "bad" emotions. Just like a good rain washes away debris and nourishes the earth, a good cry can be very cleansing for the spirit. Once you just allow your feelings to flow, then begins the journey of self discovery.

Magic

We only need one person to believe in us, only one...and anything is possible. In the early summer of 1991, I was a college grad waiting tables in a NYC cafe. In a twist of fate that changed the course of my life, I answered an ad in the NY Times help wanted section. The ad was posted by grandparents looking for a camp counselor for their grandchildren. The position would last one month in the summer at their upstate New York, Adirondack lake cottage called Knollwood in Saranac Lake. Technically it was at an old Adirondack "camp" as I would find out later when I learned about the history of the camps located around Saranac Lake and Lake Placid. The couple hiring a "camp counselor" was Ellen Sulzberger Straus (founder of the Nations first help line called "Call for Action") and her husband Peter. At the time, I was a relatively recent NYC transplant from California. As a California girl, I had never heard of the Adirondacks. I wanted the job anyway. I bluffed my way through the interview, saying yes of course that I could canoe, play tennis and hike. Of course what I really meant was that I was certain that I could figure it out. How tough could canoeing be? Ellen asked me many questions during the interview. I answered every single one with excitement and with "camp counselor" enthusiasm. Later that evening, I prayed that I would be hired. It was a few days before I would receive a call and as fate would have it, I was hired. I would have just three days to pack my bags and head off for a month in a mini van full of strangers. In that leap of faith that Ellen gave to me by giving me a chance, I began to grow tremendously. Saranac Lake, NY is a place of wonder. The lake is gorgeous and surrounded by unspoiled forrest and mountains. After a hike, the routine was to go to the local ice cream shop, Donnelley's that features only one flavor a day. There was always a long line and an ice cream mound or two on the ground from a child or adult who lost the balance of their soft ice cream cone and it toppled to the ground. I especially loved boating out to one of the many Saranac islands for a BBQ picnic. The kids would make up skits, swim and run around the island and play. I learned to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, especially the importance of family (as I watched this pack of cousins spend half their summer together). I did learn to canoe (it wasn't that hard) and fell in love with hiking. I especially loved being so tired half way up a peak, listening to the kids complain that they'd never make it. I secretly felt the same way but I never let them know it! We always made it and we always went to Donnelley's for an ice cream cone afterward or sometimes we'd make our way over to Mountain Mist to enjoy a cone on the lake and watch the ducks. Somehow an ice cream cone made it all worth it. At some point during the summer, I discovered that Ellen had cancer. She wanted to be sure that the kids had a great summer and didn't focus on the fact that she was sick. She accomplished that goal. She saw something in me that I didn't see in myself yet. She saw potential and to ensure I would be the family's "camp counselor" every summer, she had her husband hire me in their NYC office as an office manager. I worked for the family for the next 4 years and went with them to Saranac Lake for 5 summers in total. I became an avid hiker and her grandchildren and I hiked many of the high peaks including Mt. Marcy. I led the kids each summer on hikes, doing crafts, Santa's Village day trips, endless hours of swimming, making up songs and canoeing to the Sister's Islands. Ellen's cancer progressively worsened and each summer she became sicker until she passed away after my 4th summer working for the family. She believed in helping others, in creating magical summer's for her grandchildren and she believed in me. I sure hope that I did help create some magic for her grandchildren during a difficult time in their lives, while losing an amazing grandmother. I have since moved on from my camp counselor days and earned a Master's degree in Social Work and have worked in private practice counseling individuals and families. Once I had my first child, 14 years ago, I made a vow to raise my kids with same magic of Saranac Lake. Every summer for the past 14 years, I have brought my three children to Saranac Lake to canoe, hike and bask in the fresh air and of course to have the best ice cream cones ever. I now live back in California and thanks to Ellen giving me a chance to discover a true Adirondack camp counselor inside of me, I have founded my own day camp called Camp Conejo in Thousand Oaks, California which serves 300 girls and boys. I inspire youth to be their best and to have fun.. Much like how Ellen inspired me. It only takes one person to believe in you and then it's truly up to you to take the reigns and to then believe in yourself.