You Gotta Want it

I couldn't sleep last night because thoughts kept spinning in my head. I kept thinking about how people hold back when they are scared, unsure, inexperienced or just bound by obligation. Let me start with my son. He is 13 years old and playing organized basketball for the first time. I wrote previously about being his coach, since nobody else would step up to coach his team. I feel like we are learning together. I also get a front row seat however to some of his behaviors. I have noticed that whenever he is new to something, he is very self conscious and hesitant. I must add however that I am incredibly proud of him for trying something new and risking looking like he's fumbling. It takes courage to step out onto that court for him. One of my observations though is that he is holding back. I give him suggestions, as do the other coaches and he just tunes us out partially. Comments from the sidelines include, "he's gotta want the ball." He is usually avoiding the ball and passes it off as soon as it lands in his hands. It's like the game "hot potato" with a basketball. I get it. I was terrified of the ball as a kid. I too wanted it far, far away from me. He's a 6'1 thirteen year old that has to learn to want the ball. I know I kinda pushed him to play, so I gave him an option to quit. He declined and said he wants to continue. My advice..."then give it your all and determine if you are really in the game, otherwise just quit." The thing is, I watch him play X-Box and War Commander with enthusiasm. He begs me for the latest games, he remembers everything there is to know about the games and he loves the strategy. He's completely engaged in the games he plays. I know he has gained gaming confidence in playing them and he has mastered many aspects of the gaming world, but I wish I saw that effort directed into other new endeavors. He did try his heart out in flag football this year and the coaches praised his effort. I know he has it in him. This dynamic occurs frequently with people. If people are just going through the motions, in the game but not really playing, then what fun is that? I watch parent's pick up and drop off but not really engaged or interested in the activities their children are participating in. I know people in relationships, present but not fully invested in the partnership. I also notice parents over invested in their kids lives, living vicariously through them instead of living out their own hopes and dreams. Those are the coaches trying to win at all costs with no awareness as to how that affects the children. If you are passionate about your own life then you want it, you want to try, you want to improve, you want to give it your all and you are invested fully in whatever you're doing. If however, you do not want it, you are just going through the obligatory motions, trying to please others and yet you really are not pleasing others because you are only half invested. You just gotta want it or else people will notice that you aren't all in. I can tell on the court the players that are "all in." They make mistakes, they miss baskets, but they try their hearts out. In life, you should give it your all, otherwise evaluate your choices and determine if you need an attitude adjustment or if you need to make changes in your life. Sometimes, it's as simple as realizing that you have taken things for granted and have forgotten to get back into the game. For many others, they may realize that their hearts are not fully invested in their jobs, relationships, activities, etc and need to make major changes. "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." (Mahatma Gandhi)

Shine

I want to talk about my perspective on letting yourself shine versus marketing yourself. I know from my own journey and from watching others, I can now clearly see the difference from authentically being confident and from advertising oneself from a place of insecurity. I have been there in my past. I know when I was insecure and needing to get validation from presenting what I thought those around me wanted to see. It wasn't authentic (it was genuine insecurity) but I was too afraid to really be myself. It's not easy to express and show that you are insecure or unsure of yourself. The beauty of being more confident however is that you become so much more comfortable in shining your strengths as well as admitting your shortcomings with ease. I joke about myself and will readily admit that I make mistakes and that I am terrible at some things (like balancing my checkbook). I'm willing to grow and learn however and I stress that as one of my strong suits. There would have been a time that I could have never stepped up to coach my son's basketball team. I would have been afraid of looking stupid and would have put a lot of pressure on myself. Even when I have to actually dribble the ball or shoot (of which I look completely lame) I do so with the utmost confidence that I am a work in progress when it comes to basketball. Better to at least try than to hide and not learn a thing. I watch others advertise their lives and see the insecurities that I use to try to cover up. I understand that place of "not good enough" all too well. When you have to sell yourself though and to present a picture to convince others about how great your life is, how in love you are or how knowledgeable you are, then I ask....who are you trying to convince? The more you are marketing your life...the more you are covering up. Some just hide...that's very authentic actually but those folks may never let themselves shine and they have a lot to share with the world through coming out of hiding. Now shining is something different altogether. We as a society judge those who shine because secretly, it brings up insecurities for those who are not truly confident and comfortable in their own skins. I'm not saying all people have to put themselves out there to shine, but to not hold back one's gifts and talents. I held back for most of my life in one way or another. I had been too afraid to really draw or paint, even though I love art, because I thought that I wasn't good enough. Now that I am comfortable with myself, I paint and teach art to kids and I love it. I have a lot to learn but I am so happy that I can now let my creativity flow through my paint brush onto the drums I paint. Letting yourself shine is to not be as self conscious, to be comfortable doing one's own thing and less aware of impressing others. When you live freely and authentically, things like impressing others just isn't as much of a concern. I work a lot with kids of all ages and they often let themselves shine until too many judgements and criticisms force them into hiding. It's a balance of course, to help children be the best they can be and to handle suggestions. Praising children for everything they do, may be a bit ingenues versus pointing out their positive contributions, their genuine effort and even just saying "I'm so glad you are here." Children can see through false praise. So all praise should be genuine. Letting them know what they need to work on is important as well. Many adults forget to infuse suggestions with positives. How are children going to grow and push themselves harder to see what they can achieve unless you let them know what the expectations are? If you make sure however that they can listen to suggestions, handle discussions about areas they need to work on and help them assess themselves, then you give them strength to be themselves too. Don't forget the praise though. A little praise goes a long, long way. I have those types of internal discussions with myself daily. I don't want people telling me how wonderful I am all of the time, LOL. I too however love to hear something positive once in awhile. I also take suggestions but weigh them carefully with my own gut. I am actually the #1 judge and cheerleader for me. I also know many people who are so hard on themselves though that they are frozen. That type of insecurity only keeps oneself from growing and certainly prevents them from shining. The question: Are you holding yourself back by hiding or by presenting a false front? Are you dependent on others for praise and attention instead of feeding yourself the needed validation? Are you paralyzed by fear and hiding because you are terrified of failing? Are you devastated by criticism or crumble when someone points out something you've done to hurt them? Or instead...Do you get defensive easily and try to make excuses and deflect the responsibility? Confidence means your ego may be stung by criticism but that you can bounce back, self assess and make corrections if needed. Some of the harshest critics have been my best teachers because sometimes they were right. Others were just harsh and negative and I learned to tune out their judgements. However, I am always wanting to grow as a person so I think deeply about everything I need to work on. In conclusion, think about where you are at. Are you comfortable in your own skin? Only you can answer that. Are you shining and being all that you can be each and every day? "We are told to let our light shine, and if it does, we won't need to tell anybody it does. Lighthouses don't fire cannons to call attention to their shining - they just shine." (Dwight L. Moody)

Stuck

My sister read my blog post about the Merry-go-round and had a few suggestions and questions. She suggested I write about why people stay stuck and how to stop the cycle. I must say with the utmost compassion, that people stay stuck either because they are in pain and lack the strength to get out of pain or they deny their circumstances, choosing to veil the patterns they've created because fear of change keeps them paralyzed. Let's address the first one....pain. People can be frozen in incredible pain. Their pain is genuine, real and authentic. Pain needs to be processed and felt. Pain, like needles sticking into ones palm may hurt badly at first, but pain can be tolerated and the person can just live a lifetime in pain with no real resolve. The pain creates excuses and the person can avoid living one's life. That is a choice, the other choice is to do the work to free yourself from pain. Yes it takes time, effort and patience. Like mourning a loss, pain needs to be processed and respected, but one cannot stay mourning forever. Staying in pain is never in the best interest of the living, for life is to be felt and to be lived. Denial is another escape. I call it an escape because it is a form of a drug, meant to numb or distort your perspective to make an intolerable situation more tolerable. We have all been there! Denial is a great drug. It is. It buys us all time....but used for too long, it becomes a crutch and a form of avoidance. Denial keeps people on their merry-go-rounds, sometimes throughout their entire lives. None of this is a judgement. This is a reality people choose to live in. If someone chooses that alternative reality, they can choose to stay but they can also eventually choose to change. It is entirely up to them. Sometimes, life (and spiritual intervention) tries to break the denial. That is certainly how men suddenly find out their spouses are cheating because their wife leaves their cell phone out and texts are discovered, or a person gets a serious medical diagnosis or various other "wake up" moments that we have all had the privilege of experiencing. Again it's a choice, plain and simple. I have seen many people wake up and get off of their merry-go-rounds when those moments have occurred and completely change their lives. I have also seen people slip right back into denial and their defenses and fantasy lives become harder to break. People fear change so badly that they often choose to live miserably, feigning happiness rather than choosing to grow into the people they are truly capable of being. I say this here and now directly to each person in denial or stuck. (If you are not stuck and know someone who is, you can say this to them too).
      "Love yourself enough to get off of the merry-go-round. I hope that you see how amazing you really are! You can truly take your life back by changing your patterns. Do not fear change. Change is the best natural drug ever, not denial. Denial is a trickster. Change makes you feel alive and eventually sets you free. Freedom gives you endless possibilities. Choose freedom, choose to love yourself, choose to live the life you've been given authentically and genuinely. Stop pretending. You are only deceiving yourself when you do that. I pray that you see that guidance (spiritual or higher power) is trying to nudge you to wake up. So wake up! Each day spinning, each day on your merry-go-round is another day wasted. The moment you get off of the merry-go-round is the moment you take your life back. Empowerment is yours and it's completely free. The choice is yours. Much love! Denise." 

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Every day people face the very difficult decision in marriages. They ask themselves: Should I stay or should I go? Some stay because of the children. This is one of the most understandable of reasons. It is so difficult when you have a good relationship with your children, to face possibly not seeing them perhaps 50% of the time if you share custody or less time if you are a parent that chooses the every other weekend visitation. Of course the easiest solution seems to stay, suck it up and wait it out until your kids head off to college or out of the house on their own at 18. Other people stay because of finances. Some people have boxed themselves into a lifestyle that they do not want to lose. Some women won't leave because they fear their exes will not support them, despite what the laws are and some men do not want to split their assets and money. Of course there are many men and women that navigate the divorcing process fairly and equitably but many others do not. Many of the fears about finances is based on fears but there are truths to it as well. If an ex does not act fairly, they can spend excess money in court fighting over every penny and it can be a long and drawn out process. Overall, what should you do if you are in this dilemma? Should you stay or should you go? The answer is complex. If you are debating this question, chances are that you have been unhappy for a very long time. In addition, if you are thoughtful enough to be milling over this question, you did not jump out of the marriage at the first sign of problems, so you are deeply considering every angle and trying to balance the pros and cons. Some who are pondering this question have had couples counseling, individual counseling or both. I am an advocate of couples counseling however, often the issues that bring a couple to counseling are so complex and run deep into the fabric of the relationship, that trying to unravel why things went wrong is a difficult question to answer and much more difficult to fix. Very often, people just married the wrong person. Meaning, they married that person for the wrong reasons but thought they were the right reasons at the time. Many people want their parents approval, or they lack insight into who they are and what they want at the time, or they feel the pressure because their peers are getting married. The bottom line is that many people are not "in love" with the person they married. Many do not know what being in love feels like or really means. I have to add that the choices are really never wrong because you ultimately marry the correct person for your highest growth to become the person you are meant to be. That doesn't mean you have to stay with them though. A marriage starts to hinder growth if you are miserable and resisting the changes you know you have to make. The hardest decisions are the most liberating. Like the tree picture with this blog, beauty comes from and through the harshest conditions. The choice is yours. Stay hidden and hiding in the rocks or let yourself break through.

Merry-Go-Round

People repeat patterns and go round and round on their very own merry-go-rounds. Look around and assess your friends and family and you'll quickly notice that year after year, they fall into the same ruts. Many people complain about their patterns of money problems, relationship woes and weight or health issues but very few actually set out to get off of their merry-go-rounds. What does it take to break patterns and to set yourself free? It takes a lot of work and determination. Now don't deceive yourself thinking that your patterns don't take work to maintain. Your old patterns may be what you know and may not seem like a lot of work but those patterns are tiring, frustrating, depressing and cause a different type of emotional drain. Breaking patterns means taking risks, treading into unknown territory and facing your own and external resistance. Let me give you an example. I have friend that complains endlessly about her career and dating problems. For over 25 plus years, she ends up in the same dead end dating relationships and continues to struggle financially. Part of the pattern is denial because she does not take a good hard look at her patterns. She creates excuses and blame about her situation, instead of breaking out of the endless pattern she created. Each excuse just spins her merry-go-round into another cycle. In addition, she creates an illusion that her situation will improve but without the necessary work to get there, she is just living in a fantasy world. She has created a pattern where she doesn't really change and her image is of something that isn't real. Sometimes, the toughest denial is with those who have some knowledge of psychology or spiritual lingo, because they can solidify their patterns believing their spiritual or psychological world reinforces staying stuck. It doesn't. Spirit guides laugh at excuses. Regarding psychology, how many crazy psychiatrists and therapists have we all crossed paths with. That's because it's easy to hide behind the psychology cover when everyone has patterns to break....everyone! Yes...I am no exception. I too have many patterns I have broken and many more to address. You know you have broken patterns when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realize how much you've changed. If however, you look in the mirror and you feel stuck and like you keep going in circles, then you have not yet broken free from a pattern. The choice is yours because you have free will. The first step...recognize that you are on a merry-go-round, the second step....work at breaking the patterns every day. It takes conscious thought and effort. The work is worth it though, because freedom is much sweeter than going around in endless circles on a merry-round. Just remember that a merry-go-round is fun for the first ride but if it keeps spinning endlessly, you start to feel sick and you get tired of staying in one place, seeing the same sights over and over. It's time to get off. Break the cycle and start to crave seeing the rest of the amusement park. Life is like one big carnival, there is so much waiting to for you experience and see. What are you waiting for?

Coach

"You can’t outwit fate by standing on the sidelines placing little sidebets about the outcome of life. Either you wade in and risk everything you have to play the game or you don’t play at all. And if you don’t play you can’t win." (Judith McNaught)  If anyone had ever said to me that one day I would coach a basketball team, I would have said they were absolutely crazy. I grew up somewhat scared of organized sports. I was a shy girl and not very aggressive when it came to playground games of dodgeball. In fact, I was usually the last to be picked for a team. I didn't have anyone around to nurture me to be more aggressive when it came to sports and my own disposition was a bit on the cautious side.  I played handball and hopscotch with zeal but hid when it came to any sporting activities. I entered adulthood pretty confident that I had successfully avoided having to embarrass myself playing any sport. I was wrong. Three weeks ago, my 13 year olds basketball team still lacked a coach. My other two kids had received the notice that their basketball teams had begun however. Finally, I found out that the team would be canceled unless someone agreed to coach his team. I begged my ex, but he refused. So...being the feisty, independent woman that I am, I said "I will do it!" Never mind that I know nothing about basketball except what I knew from watching games occasionally. I knew that you had to get the ball into the basket! I signed up and with determination and spirit, I started coaching my sons team. Now, I know how to get help and to utilize the few fathers who said they'd help when they could.  Two dads became my assistant coaches and we have been off and running. My son was shocked but proud. I could see it in his eyes, that he was glad that I stepped up and proud that I was willing to do that for him. Given that this is his first time playing organized basketball, he knew that we could both risk trying something new and that it is okay to laugh at yourself and a good experience to tread in unchartered waters. I recently learned what "boxing out' means and "setting up the pick." I have an official whistle (mostly my kids play with it) and although I don't feel like I've yet earned the title of coach, I'm proud of the boys on my team already,  for being super patient with me. I learn every time the boys are on the court and I look forward to watching them come together as a team. I have a new found respect for coaches and athletes. I can lead Girl Scout events, paint, teach art, counsel, help on the PTA and just about anything else to help people, but coaching is an area that I never thought I'd be able to add as a title. The lesson....be open to trying on new roles and wearing different hats. Never say never to an opportunity. I knew that I needed to do this for my son and for his team and I stand by my motto, "I do not know the word no and I can't."  "I will" and "I can" are what I stand by and I hope my kids remember to help others out too, instead of hiding or making excuses. Life is full of opportunities to grow as individuals and to help others and even though I am the most unlikely coach ever...I am a coach with passion and inspiration and the determination to help this team by giving them my all. At the end of the day, that's all any of us can ever do is to bring our all to everything we do. If you cannot or will not give it your all... then you should not be doing it.