Going in the Wrong Direction

On the journey of life, when confronted with something unexpected, you can either go with the flow or fight the process of life. One night five years ago, I was offered one of those moments and I chose to go with the flow. I had decided to take my kids to Massachusetts and to the Vermont border to see the fall colors, go apple picking and just see where the day took us. Total drive time should have been two and a half hours each direction. At 6:00 in the evening I got on Interstate 91 to head home. I love to take long drives, so I did not seem to notice that this drive was taking longer than usual. Never mind that I also did not seem to notice (thanks to the distraction of my kids begging me to start the DVD player) that when I was getting onto the interstate, I was heading north instead of south! Thankfully I had grabbed a coffee before I got onto the highway, because it turned out that I would REALLY need it! You can see where this is heading....... Canada! Yep, several hours later, when I finally took notice that something was wrong, I was at the Canadian border. Imagine the look on the Canadian border patrolman's face when I explained why I did not have passports and could I please flip a U in Canada. As I was at the border, I suddenly remembered a dream I had three nights earlier. In the dream, I had headed out for a two hour drive, fallen asleep while driving and ended up five hours from home! In the dream, I had arrived at an amusement park. I remembered marking it on my navigation in the dream to remember that even when you are lost, you can find places you would have never discovered. So back at the border, I laughed to myself as the dream flashed across my mind. The kids were laughing too, hysterically. They loved it! They did not seem to mind the fact that we would have a five hour drive home. They just loved that we ended up in Canada by mistake. They proceeded to tell the Canadian and U.S. border patrol the story. They also recounted the story over the next hour to the cashier at the mini-mart and the waitress at the restaurant. We all bonded over a crazy turn of events! The day taught my children the value of going with the flow. If I had reacted with anger, impatience, frustration or worry, they would have gotten an entirely different message from what happened. Instead, they learned that it is alright to make mistakes and that in fact, a mistake can turn into the biggest adventure. I learned to trust that often dreams give us foreshadowing sometimes and to pay attention to the messages. One thing is clear... The dream was not to warn me, but to remind me that sometimes the biggest treasures in life come from going in the wrong direction because things always happen for a reason. Now five years later, my children do not remember the semi boring day trip to go apple picking and bowling.......they still remember how that day turned into a U turn in Canada, an unexpected night in a hotel in Vermont and ice cream cones after breakfast. I hope they remember that life is an adventure and to always enjoy the ride!

Powerless versus Empowerment

When I was in college, I had my first serious boyfriend. I had not dated very much and I was relatively shy and naive. Not surprisingly, my boyfriend was more experienced, suave, charming and aggressive. It was a match that makes perfect sense, now that I reflect back on it. Being young and insecure meant that I was very susceptible to his suggestions and guidance. Quickly however, his guidance turned into control and before I knew it, I was engaged in a relationship that became increasingly dysfunctional. I can say now that he was abusive but back then, I had a very tough time admitting that. I certainly did not want to admit to myself when I was with him that I had been blind enough to be in an abusive relationship, so I made excuses and I saw what I wanted to see. I cannot place the blame on him however. He was a predator looking for prey and my own lack of self worth made me prey. When an individual lacks self worth, they either become clay without boundaries, easily molded by other powerless people, especially by controlling predators. The abusers lack self-worth as well but they use control, abuse, or cheating as their way of being fed emotionally. I allowed myself to be molded and finally, when I was tired of the abuse (and I opened my eyes), I left the relationship. Leaving the relationship was a step in the right direction, but I had a long journey ahead dealing with the insecurities that led me into that type of relationship to begin with. Often we are our own worse enemies. We abuse ourselves emotionally and merely attract people that will treat us the way we feel we deserve. Until I took ownership of myself completely and became the artist that molded my own life, I was susceptible to giving my power away. I know what I would have said back in college though, if the future me had said "You are giving your power away!" I would have said, "Power? I don't have any power!" That's how powerless I felt...I wouldn't have even known that I had any right to be empowered. Controlling people have power, but it's not empowerment. Controlling and abusing others is tyranny and abusers are fragile, broken people who steal others power to feel powerful. The path to realizing that I had power (and to stop giving it away) was a long process. It started with breaking denial and it continued with building insight and awareness and exploring what I feel, what I want and who I am. It's easy being clay, allowing others to mold your thoughts, choices, and perspectives. It left me empty however and less confident because I had become what others wanted me to be, without any awareness as to who I really was. The strength it took to break free from allowing others to influence me was profound. It felt scary at first because it meant that I had to validate myself completely and although I'd like to say that I stood on a mountain and said "I am empowered!," it didn't actually happen in such a dramatic way. Mine was a slow process, from first being aware that I had power, to building self awareness and thus increasing confidence, then finally building strength to protect myself and no longer allowing others to steal power from me. People are stripped from power in so many ways, especially in childhood, when parents tell you how you should be versus supporting you in who you are. Parents (often lacking in empowerment) simply teach what they know. The journey isn't blame though. Only you can take your power back, nobody can do that for you. Others can offer support and insight but empowerment is the journey of the self, like the boy that leaves the tribe on a quest to find themselves in the forrest, only to return a warrior. Own your power, see your power and refuse to give your power away and never steal anyone's power....This is the path of the empowered person.

I Wish....

"I wish you can see me now, I wish I could show you how... I'm not who I was. I use to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side too... I'm not who I was." Those lines are lyrics from a Brandon Heath song. Five years ago, that song became my anthem of sorts. The song was written to a former girlfriend of the artist and I could completely relate to what he was saying in the song. I too had been hurt by a former boyfriend and I wanted him to know that I had forgiven him and that I had changed. More than anything though, I was feeling so proud of the growth I had made in my life. Little did I know however that I was about to embark on even bigger changes and further growth in the following five years, leading me up to the present. The past five years have been mind boggling in what I've gone through and how I now look in the mirror and barely recognize who I was five years ago. All of the growth I had attained leading up to that point was about to be tested and accelerated beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I left an unhappy marriage and moved my kids across the United States, from Connecticut to California to be closer to family. I gave up a thriving private practice and a beautiful home to live in a rental home and I basically started over. I was infused with excitement, challenge, and optimism most days. I had moments that tested my hope of course but then I'd forge ahead, refusing to give up or crumble under the pressure. If experience is our best teacher then I was working on my PhD in life! Although I seemed to have it all when I was living in Connecticut, I was very unhappy. Changing my entire life (and my kids lives) meant following my intuition and having lots of unwavering faith. It was the best and hardest lesson I've ever faced. In the process, I transformed and all of the things I wished for, started coming true. I wanted to be strong, confident, spend more time with my kids, be more assertive and I wanted to feel happiness. I also wanted to find love. I wanted a lot and slowly but surely, all of my wishes came true. I had to work at it and I never gave up. I kept dreaming about what I wanted to feel like and what I wanted my life to be and each step of my journey that seemed to challenge me, actually gave me the opportunity to grow into the woman I wanted to be. I embraced every opportunity thrown at me and I knew that the moments that I felt my lowest were not set backs, they were tests to see how badly I really wanted all of the things I hoped for. Now five years later from when I first wrote an article reflecting about how much I had grown, I can chuckle that as far we think we've come.. There is always room for opportunities for growth if we remain open and abundantly hopeful. I very much appreciate my new life, time with my kids, the opportunities and experiences I've had over the past 5 years and I'm grateful that I never gave up. I wish now for others to be brave enough to allow transformation in their lives. You might be thinking, "I'm miserable, stuck, can't get out of this," and so on but change is possible. Don't get bogged down by excuses or focus on impossibilities. The universe see's paths that are often unimaginable from our limited perspectives sometimes. Letting go and letting the universe show you the way means being open. A closed person will only see problems and roadblocks... An open person with a dream will see those roadblocks too but instead of focusing on what won't work, they focus on the path that seems impossible but they see that possible is always hiding in what seems impossible... Knowing the road less traveled is the one with the biggest rewards. I see me now.. And I'm not who I was and I love that my opportunities for growth are now limitless. There are no more road blocks and only opportunities heading in every direction. Dare to dream, dare to hope and dare to change and you can join me on this amazing adventure I call life.

Make It a Venti!!!

I never really drank much coffee before I had children. Now, 14 years later and three children in tow, I am a regular at Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts each and every day! Caffeine has become a way to get through the day. A friend of mine had a baby a year ago and recently we got together for lunch. I asked her how it was going and she said, "you know I love being a parent, but they never tell you how hard it is!" I cannot begin to tell you how many mom's I have counseled through the years that have repeated that very same phrase. Not to say that dad's aren't having a tough time too, but usually it seems the moms are the ones falling apart at the seams. So many women relate to me that they feel that they are failing because they don't handle it all with ease. They look around and say that it appears that other moms have it together. No, some are just really good at hiding it! I've counseled some of those mom's too. They look perfect on the outside yet they are crying every chance they get. Raising kids is just not easy. Children teach us so much about ourselves. They challenge every bit of patience we have or thought we had. I also find that no matter how far we've come in the battle of the sexes, women are still doing a lot more of the child raising, household chores, grocery shopping, birthday parties, booking the sitter, and a whole lot more. No wonder women are frazzled. I remember after I had my first child, my husband (now my ex) and I and son were waiting to board our plane in Dallas after visiting my mom. I was chasing our one year old all over the terminal and I look over, exhausted and observe that my husband is sitting in a lounge chair reading the paper! I'll never forget that moment, because that image said it all to me. After three kids, my ex continued to let me do more and more until my resentment grew from a slow burn to a raging inferno. Many dad's are certainly more involved these days, but why is it that in a lot of cases, women are still doing it all and sometimes juggling careers on top of it. Women need to become better at setting much needed boundaries, expect more from their spouses and find a way to take care of themselves. That is one thing I admire about men, that no matter what, they seem to take care of themselves. Women need to get better at that. I know that in my case.. I personally did try to set much needed boundaries but my ex fought me every step of the way. If you are one of those few men that step up and take care of a lot around the house, are very active in raising the children and let your wife sleep in on the weekends, then I apologize and I sure hope that your wife appreciates you. If you are one of those frazzled mom's, just know that you are not alone. Parenthood is a journey with lots of lessons involved. Each day is a new chance to find a solution, get some help, set boundaries with your spouse, and find a way to cope with it all. So if you are at the grocery store and you observe a mom with screaming children, before you rush to judgment and shoot her a look of contempt, send her a look of compassion. You just never know what she is really going through, how sleep deprived she may be or whether her husband is sitting at home watching a game or in Iraq, while she is juggling the lion's share of the responsibilities and a look with a smile can possibly make her day. As for the coffee, make it a Venti with unlimited refills please!

Quick!

There is only one thing worse than going through the motions in a relationship........,going through the motions while having sex! So many couples settle on mediocre sex. Why do so many couples think it is okay to have sex with their partners when they have said no, implied no or rolled their eyes and act like it's a chore? Why do women say no and allow themselves to be coerced into sex? Why would any woman with self respect allow this behavior? Why would any man with self respect push having sex with their partners by begging, pleading and guilting them until they begrudgingly say fine but say, "hurry it along!" How do men and women find any pleasure in that? Is this what we want to teach our son's, to put their needs ahead of their partners when they grow up? Is this what we want to teach our daughters, to put their partner's needs ahead of and at the expense of their own? By the way, sometimes the roles are reversed and it can be the woman as the assertive one and the man as the passive. It does happen on occasion. What has happened to the intimacy in relationships? How did mutual respect, self respect and true connection leave our unions...or has this become a new normal? This is just crazy! I have counseled hundreds of men and women over the years and dare I say, almost all considered the practice of "getting it over with" as normal! This should not be okay. Relationships should not be based on fear, intimidation or even obligation. Of course two individuals in a partnership might have different sex drives and a couple might need to discuss how to meet each other's needs since sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. It is important for couples to discuss their sex lives, talk about what they need, what is missing and how to increase intimacy. The problem is that many couples are not talking about sex or feelings. They fall into games of avoidance and the "get it over with" behavior which satisfies both parties for awhile but builds resentment and walls. The other avoidance game going on is that some couples are not having sex at all, or rarely. We need to shift. The power plays and games need to stop. We need to question why we allow those behaviors in the first place. Both men and women should not settle on disconnected sex. With disconnected sex you can lose self-respect, lose respect for your partner, lose trust in the relationship, lose freedom, lose connection to your bodies, lose interest in sex, resentment grows, begin hating sex and may even begin hating your partner. Not healthy! Couples need to get back to mutual respect and love. Better not to have sex until the power struggle can be resolved and two individuals can rebuild their relationship into one that is mutually satisfying and based on trust. If that is just not possible then perhaps it is time to question why you are staying in the relationship. We need to stop the insanity happening in relationships. Your sex life is only as healthy as the relationship itself. It all boils down to love. Love yourself enough to honor your body and take care of you. Love yourself to say no and stand your ground. Respect each other's boundaries and discuss making changes in the relationship. If your partner is in denial and wants to keep the status quo........refuse to play the old games with them. Make yourself healthier and you have only to gain. A healthy relationship starts with honest communication and working together to create a relationship that supports both individuals.

The Marriage Challenge

Our society sells us on an image of marriage. As children, it is assumed that we will get married and have children. As young adults, friends and family apply pressure asking, "Hey, when are you going to settle down?" Women in their late twenties start to panic if they are not hitched yet. We are sold a glamorous, glossy, magazine type image of marital bliss. Yet, statistics and divorce rates paint a different picture. The reality is that we are told to get married, but not advised or supported on how to stay married. I have noticed that people around me have married 2-3 times. One could wonder if maturity and experience helped people find the right partners, but I think sometimes people become too tired to go through another divorce and decide they don't want to lose anymore assets, time and money. I don't mean to sound a bit jaded, but the divorce rate is higher for second marriages than it is for first marriages. In addition, I know too many people who without insight or therapy, and having done no work on themselves, launch into another marriage with a spouse similar to the one they divorced. I'm sure you know a few people who fit that description as well! So where does this leave us? It leaves us wondering about relationships and certainly brings up the issue...why are relationships falling apart? I have pondered this issue extensively and have lost sleep thinking about it. Fear of intimacy and vulnerability are my conclusion. Love is important, but we've all been in love with someone that may have loved us, but they could not overcome their intimacy issues. When a partner fears intimacy, or the intimacy and love you provide goes beyond what they've ever experienced, a defense pops up to put up barriers or speed bumps, to slow things down. Often the person is unaware that they are doing this. Barriers are simply "pushing away" tactics like picking fights, staying at work long hours, becoming needy (yes-that pushes the other person away or the person being pushed away from can get very needy), and cheating to name a few. The pushing away tactics keep the person safe from feeling vulnerable because they create drama or distance to distract themselves and often it distracts the partner as well. How can you get close and feel intimate with someone lying to you or pushing you away? You can't or at least it's extremely difficult. Sometimes, you have a moment of closeness and perhaps a breakthrough with your partner only to find the pushing away tactics get worse afterwards. These tactics can of course demolish the love that brought the two people together in the first place. Often the pushing away tactics create a backlash effect with the partner being pushed away. I've seen it time and time again that the partner with infinite patience and love finally gives up. Of course, nobody but god has infinite patience so a normal person with the need for connection and intimacy finally leaves the partner due to loneliness, frustration, anger, or all of the above. Of course, the people with absolute terror of intimacy, never commit and at least those people leave the relationship before it gets too serious. The one's that don't think they have intimacy issues are the one's causing havoc. Everyone has some intimacy issues! The first step is to admit that. Second, each person's tolerance of intimacy may vary, so partners need to discuss this! Often this is the pink elephant in the room that nobody is discussing. Two people in a partnership with varying intimacy capacity is like a 160 watt bulb being screwed into a 60 watt lamp. It may fit and it may turn on, however the bulb can melt the lamp and the lamp might burn out. Either way, there has to be adjustments so that the person with a higher capacity and need for connection can work effectively with a partner that requires very low wattage intimacy because a little is a lot to someone who might have had so little connection growing up. The worse thing that can be done is to ignore the issue. A person can increase their ability to tolerate closeness and connection, but it takes time, a lot of effort and work to push through one's defenses to distance. Fear of vulnerability is of course the root of intimacy issues and everyone has to work through vulnerabilities. Being with a partner that you are committed to working through these fears with is a healthy start to building something that can hopefully stand the test of time. Relationships too heavily damaged by distancing tactics may have built a Berlin Wall that is too difficult to scale and those couples eventually separate or they stay together as friendly enemies. Love is not the answer, it is the spark, and the hope, and the tears, but love is not enough if fears cannot be overcome.

Releasing the Victim Energy

"Poor me," she said in her ongoing gripes about her husband. She didn't say that directly, but she implied it constantly in her list of complaints about how badly her husband treats her. We all know a woman like that, at least one if not more. He always has a commentary about how his boss knows nothing and he's smarter than his co-workers and if his boss had any brains, he'd be promoted because he's the brightest one there and the only one who knows what he's doing. We all know that guy too. His co-workers secretly despise him and he eventually gets fired and of course that's not his fault either. These people are victims. We have all been there, even slightly. Being a victim is the exact opposite of being empowered. Being negative is one thing as I mentioned in my previous article, but being a victim is a different kind of negativity. Victim energy keeps the person from feeling in control of one's life. Why would someone do that? Easy, because they are scared, don't feel strong enough to take charge and the easiest thing to do is to blame someone else. Some victims are exaggerating things and lying about how they are victimized, others actually attract abusers that hurt them physically or emotionally. The lesson is to gain the strength to grow from the experience and either set necessary boundaries or leave the situation. The problem is when victims, who might have had the chance to be positive...gain their own attention by now joining "Team Negative." Team negative means they can martyr themselves (showing everyone that they put up with their spouses abuses such as lying, cheating, etc), and they can torture their abuser with guilt. This victim cycle is negative for both partners. The victim sometimes covers for the abuser and often starts to harm others too through their increased negativity. Team negative grows stronger and you have two sides of the negative coin. One person being mean and belligerent and the spouse playing victim, acting like they have no other choice but to stay. We all know that nobody has to stay in a horrible situation. People make excuses to stay victims. Victims are sharks pretending to be dolphins. They are actually sharks too, perpetuating a vicious negative cycle. I don't want to give sharks a bad rap. No animal is bad or good. Each animal has different traits that we can learn from and use when needed. We all need a bit of shark sometimes to defend oneself and to protect one's territory when needed. Sharks are innovative, powerful, perceptive and represent survival. Negative people are trying to survive, using their defenses to do so. The problem is, negative people and victims do not feel powerful. Their manipulation, deceipt, "poor me," complaining and overall poor attitude covers up their vulnerabilities and fear. Their shark exterior is willing to hurt anyone who crosses them and they retaliate both intentionally or passive aggressively since their defense to cover up how weak they really feel. Ever watch reality TV or know a friend that comes off as the victim but never leaves her situation? Some of these women even lie in court about their abusers to stay connected to them. On a lighter note, many people have the lesson of victim to overcome. Even an empowered person can fall backwards occasionally and allow victim energy to attempt to lure them into negative feelings. The key, to take ownership of those feelings and to not let them have unnecessary power over you. This takes practice. Just like yoga takes time to master as each muscle needs lots of time to stretch until your core is stronger, feeling empowered and releasing the victim takes time and effort as well. If you are reading this and realize that you feel trapped in a victim cycle, ask yourself this: What are you afraid of if you released the victim? What gain are you garnishing from staying a victim. Do you like the life you've created by being negative or staying a victim? Even if you recognize areas on your life that you still feel like a victim, take the time to consciously acknowledge (and honor) the victim in you and set out to release the victim energy through breathe. Be patient and keep honoring yet releasing the victim each time you recognize it in your thoughts or behaviors. Shift into the dolphin mode and you immediately are calling on the energy of balance, change, love, freedom, trust, breathe and communication skills. You can be free of the victim if you really want to. Nobody is stopping you except yourself.

Free Yourself from Negative People

Positive and negative energy do not go well together. Think about it. A positive spark and negative actually repel each other. Same thing with people. People complain all of the time about how badly some people treat them. There is a saying...."you teach people how to treat you." That couldn't be more true. You teach them by allowing, laughing off, and ignoring bad behavior. Even if you lecture them on how to treat you.....if the behavior does not change, then you are allowing them to treat you badly. I use to think that if I voiced how I felt, I was being strong. It is a process of becoming stronger, but true strength lies in being able to walk away. Don't be a martyr, putting up with awful behavior hoping you'll get brownie points for that. You'll get an ulcer, headaches and spend lots of money in therapy hoping you can understand why someone is treating you horribly. Complaining may help you feel better but distancing from negative people is the best approach. Ultimately, once you realize that negative people were literally sucking the life out of you (energetically-this couldn't be more true), you will stop attracting them into your life at all. You'll spot them from a mile away and take a different path! Trust me, the negative person is equally annoyed by you but they get some benefit from positive energy. First, positive people are easier to manipulate and they can use guilt and sympathy to get you to help them. Negative people can easily use positive people to their benefit! Those negative folk will use every bit of energy you freely give to them and they'll want more. Negative people use sales tactics to keep you close. They will act like they are in crisis, they always think everyone is against them (and you are right there to take them to lunch and cheer them up) and they complain endlessly. Guess what, if they are complaining endlessly about others, they are complaining about you behind your back. They are also likely telling lies about you. Why? Because they can and to make sure that they recruit every bit of sympathy from everyone around them, especially if someone wises up about them. Negative people have no loyalty except to themselves and they have no guilt, but they are actors and they'll give you an Oscar worthy performance to show you how distraught they are. If you say, "Hey can you you help me out today, I'm in a real pinch," (mind you, positive people rarely ask for help and when they do, it's not easy for them to ask), negative people will say "no" and tell you that they have a crisis bigger than yours or they'll just say, "nope. I'm busy." They don't operate on the same feeling orientated...help others mentality that positive people do. Their approach is always, "what's in it for me." So please stop wasting your time trying to convert or save negative people. They are perfectly happy being negative (and selfish). Why? Because, they gain a lot of secondary gain (perks) in being negative. They recruit a lot of support and attention and they have people running around doing things for them. In addition, some negative people will keep everyone guessing, creating drama everywhere they turn. They endlessly tell people their woes about how "so and so" is mean to them. They are stuck in a pattern that garnishes attention and power, so they will unlikely want to give that up unless they choose to,....and they rarely choose to. What do these negative neighbors look like? They see the glass half full; They don't appreciate your support and will tell you what you've done wrong the minute you try to pull away from them; They'll guilt you into staying in a relationship/friendship/colleages with them: They'll set out to sabotage you if you dare to call them out on their behavior and they are just plain mean! They do mean spirited things that will make your toes curl in shock. The best part is they'll cover up their cruel behavior with defenses.. "I never did that, said that, etc., you are making that up." I swear, I think negative people have amnesia. Their behavior even shocks them, so they choose to forget it. Don't you forget it though! Their other defense is to be dismissive, to ignore your feelings and say "you are exaggerating, or you deserved that." These negative people are our best teachers however. They teach positive people to set boundaries, to be strong, to trust our gut, to speak up and to be strong enough to walk away. Stronger yet...is to steer clear of them. Sounds easier said than done. These negative people I speak about are everywhere, like sharks swimming in the ocean. We share the same sea with them and we must cohabitate. Dolphins and sharks co-exist, so can we...., since they are literally in our social circles, parents of our children's friends, co-workers, family members, the cashier at the grocery store, and so on. Steer clear means....,avoid getting pulled in by them. Don't feel badly about not wanting to be around them (trust what your intuition is telling you-or your stomach in knots around them), distance yourself and keep things cordial. They'll move on and look for unsuspecting positive people they can prey on. Why do positive people get pulled in by negative people? Often positive people have loads of compassion but no radar telling them, "Caution-shark ahead!" Their radar may have been stunted during childhood, when they were told to be nice to everyone, play fair and never exclude anyone. Hey, being nice is one thing but toxic people that will hurt you are to be avoided. How many parents tell their children that? We do not have to be best friends with everyone. Protecting ourselves is as important as teaching our kids to swim, so they won't drown. We need to be aware, like the dolphin that senses danger and heads a different direction. Have you ever heard of a dolphin heading straight toward a shark....hoping to change the shark into a dolphin? Just ludicrous. Attention: Positive people....,be yourself, attract more kind people like yourself and stop trying to change sharks into dolphins, unless you want to be shark bait. Happy swimming.....

Let Freedom Reign

"Man is born free, yet he is everywhere in chains." (Jean Jacques Rousseau) What does it take to be healthy in your mind, body and spirit. Where do I begin!? That is such a complicated yet ironically simple answer. The answer is simple but everyone makes it complicated. You have to be healthy in your head first. You can try to be healthy in your habits but if you aren't healthy in your mind, your mind will undermine all of your efforts in maintaining healthy habits. Your mind has to be on board. Often people set out to do hypnosis, read books to change habits, join clubs and so on. These things work for awhile but slowly the person slips back into the unhealthy lifestyle they've always lived. So the first key component is a healthy mind. The healthy mind will say I WILL and then all of the supportive techniques like self-help books, spiritual support, therapy, and clubs, merely reinforce the person's I WILL attitude. The second key component is about change. To change one's mindset and to then change your life means you must embrace change. Most people resist change. People don't even realize how scared they are of change! Many will say,"well, I tried a new restaurant this week!" That's not change. I'm talking about being open to change and then heading into change, wherever that may lead. Change means heading into unfamiliar and often uncomfortable territory which means letting go of what is known. Heading into the unknown is exhilarating yet scary. Change breeds the best opportunity for personal growth and yet many succumb to fear.... refusing to grow from the experience. What does that fear look like? It appears as complaining, pointing out all of the things you dislike about the changes and often the person does everything possible to go back to the way it was, even if the way it was wasn't healthy or was stagnating growth. The refusal and fear of change affects all levels of society from corporations, families, school systems, and governments. Often things will get to a breaking point and systems then have no other choice but to change but the resistance is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. The key, to embrace change gracefully rather than with hostility or denial. Some changes we instigate and others are forced on us, but either way... it's an opportunity to learn something. Let's face it, everything changes. Comfort and security is really an illusion. It is a necessary illusion at times but it's not real. Things change every passing moment from the time, the season's, the tides, people die, people are born, kids grow up, weather wipes out towns, and so on. Change is ever present and embracing that fact will make it easier to flow with change more easily rather than trying to get into a debate with change. Change always wins the argument. There is a guy that lived in a neighborhood in his parents garage. He didn't change but the neighborhood changed around him. The neighborhood kids grew up and moved away, his parents grew old, some houses fell to pieces, while others were renovated. An old church down the street was torn down. He went from being a 22 year old to a 62 year old, living in the same garage. He couldn't stop change, even though he never moved from his spot. Change happened anyway, even to someone that never moved on. To recap, the first two key components to being healthy are a healthy mind and being open to change. The third key factor... the willingness to reinvent yourself. What does that mean, you say. The energy of change brings about new inventions, discovering things previously unimagined and it brings about the opportunity to reinvent yourself. If change brings about new discoveries, why can't you discover that you too can completely shed old patterns and experience life on your terms. Of course if you fear change and you stay stagnated, being led by an unhealthy mind, then your opportunities are limited. If however, you say I WILL, you head into change with an open mind and thus your unhealthy habits that were previously distracting you and keeping you in an unhealthy cycle start to fall away... and then guess what happens? You can be and do anything because you are free. I must preface, the opposite happens if you resist change because the unhealthy mind sabotages and unhealthy habits increase!! That's why often you see people drink more, eat more, gain weight, lose weight, get sick, increase prescription drugs., etc, when change is being resisted. That is why it is imperative to challenge one's resistant thoughts and assess why change is so feared. Once you are free however, you see unlimited possibilities in front of you. Freedom...defined as independence, self-rule, and autonomy. A healthy person in mind, body and spirit is a person who is free. "A slave is one who waits for someone to come and free him." (Ezra Pound)

Feelings Rule!

I love a good hike! Hiking connects me to nature, to balance and to the simple things in life. While hiking, I feel more fully engaged in the moment. I love the song by Matthew West, The Motions. The words are as follows: "This might hurt, it's not safe but I know that I've gotta make a change. I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something. Just okay is not enough, help me fight through the nothingness of life. I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day, without your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking, what if I had given everything.... instead of going through the motions." This song say's it so beautifully. Who hasn't gone through the motions at some point in their lives? We all have. Dare I say that many people are sleep walking thru their lives. The song by Matthew West is about spirituality but also reminds me of a higher calling and waking up, feeling and wanting more. While hiking, it's kinda tough to go through the motions. Hiking forces you to stay in each moment, to connect and feel every step that you take. It engages you physically on so may levels, like all forms of exercise. Perhaps that is why exercising is a natural anti-depressant. We are forced while hiking, running, etc, to give our minds some time off. Whenever I am hiking, if I start to think too much I either trip or my heart beating so fast pulls me back to the task at hand, to focus on the moment. We all live roles but are we feeling the moment...... and if so, what are we feeling? Feelings are what makes us human. It's pretty amazing to be human. As human beings we feel hurt, pain, sadness, joy, excitement, ecstasy, passion, love, fear and more. Much better to feel the array of emotions we have rather than feeling nothing at all. I counsel people day in and day out. They generally come to counseling in crisis with symptoms of depression and anxiety. The main problem is that they have been pushing down how they have really feeling for years. The symptoms of depression and anxiety wake them up! They usually look at me with surprise when I normalize what they are feeling and say, "you are just feeling, now it's time to sort out what you have really been feeling but pushing away." Like a child that tries to get their mom's attention with repeated verses of "mom", pulling on their shirt and whining until the child realizes mom is not paying attention and they head off to pull their sisters' hair. There, that got her attention! Symptoms are the wake up call, the screaming child within, trying to get your attention.... to wake up. Feelings are so natural yet we all have learned so many ways to suppress, deny and avoid them. In addition, people often don't want to really admit what they are feeling. To fully admit is to break the denial. If you admit you hate your life, then you feel helpless or worse, scared that you actually might want to change some things. Scarier yet though is to be dead inside, denying reality. What nature reminds me on a hike is that there is perfect balance, a spiritual dance of the elements, the animals, insects and the weather. Everything works in harmony. Once you start allowing your feelings to flow more naturally you can feel more in the moment like nature at any given moment. It just takes permission....you must consciously allow your feelings to flow forth like a waterfall flowing freely. The challenge, to not judge but observe what you are feeling. A good hike, walk, yoga, run or just sitting in nature can help you begin the process of allowing your emotions to unfold. There are no "bad" emotions. Just like a good rain washes away debris and nourishes the earth, a good cry can be very cleansing for the spirit. Once you just allow your feelings to flow, then begins the journey of self discovery.