The Bridge

"I am seeking for the bridge which leans from the visible to the invisible through reality"...(Max Beckmann). Once upon a time...there was a little girl. She felt alone, neglected and had to find her own way in the world. Nobody ever asked how she was doing, so she just kept everything in and as time went on, she didn't feel much of anything anymore. Then she became an adult and by some miracle, she was connected enough to somehow manage getting married. She knew that she wanted partnership, a best friend and someone to pull her off the internal island she had created but without the proper skills to build a bridge she was left somewhat clueless about how to create a healthy partnership with her husband. Her husband had some skills that she could learn from. He was more affectionate and outgoing and this helped her gather new skills. He too though was on his own island and although they could wave to each other from their islands and row a boat over for visits, they didn't know how to build a bridge so as to build a stronger relationship. So, they at least weren't completely alone anymore because it comforted them to know they were close enough to each other to wart off the loneliness they had felt growing up. They had some difficulties on their journey. She didn't know how to handle confrontation and he would get angry quick then stonewall. She felt wounded, he felt misunderstood. Neither of them really trusted that someone could actually be there for them, so they attacked or avoided through all problems and then retreated to their islands. He never felt the physical desire and attention he needed and she never felt the emotional attention she needed. They haphazardly gave the other one what they thought they needed, never really listening to each other or getting to the core of their difficulties. They didn't know how to give each other the benefit of the doubt, lift each other up or how to stay positive toward one another. They undervalued each others contributions and felt completely unappreciated. Time marched on as babies were born, their islands drifted further apart. The comfort of at least sharing the sea's together was fading and the row boat was used less and less frequently. Then one day, the distance had become completely intolerable and she couldn't manage to put up with such pain and loneliness any longer. In her pain, she even started to rewrite history....remembering only the painful things and forgetting the strengths that had brought them together in the first place. Since she craved connection and had given up on the idea that any bridge could be built between her and her husband, she decided that they should part ways forever. She soon discovered that she had all types of skills that amazed her. She could get off her island once and for all by boating to the mainland and that's where her sense of connection and confidence grew in leaps and bounds. Eventually, he boated to the mainland too because he had nowhere else to go. As time went by, he grew in confidence as well, because as he reflected about all that he had lost, he saw more profoundly how his behavior had hurt her. This saddened him and more than anything, he missed her and the kids each and every day. As they say...sometimes you don't realize what you have in the palm of your hands until it's gone. She realized this too. She missed their friendship, the way he had made her laugh and numerous other things she had forgotten about. After dating others, they both realized that they had never really flirted together and had been missing a sense of passion and romance in their relationship. She realized that all men have some intimacy issues and difficulty with emotions and that no man is perfect. She became more open and able to develop insight into her own behaviors which had not strengthened the marriage. She simply had lacked the confidence when she had gotten married, to firmly state her needs and boundaries which ultimately sent mixed messages and meant that she often tolerated bad behavior. Her lack of emotional intelligence perpetuated a bad cycle between them. His lack of emotional intelligence meant that he was not in tune to her needs, wants and feelings. Their time apart on the mainland gave them a lot of time to reflect on these issues. One day, during an emotional discussion, he broke down crying....weeping really. He began apologizing for his behavior in the past, explaining that he has always deeply loved her. He said that he had maintained his love for her through all of the ups and downs and even through their separation. He explained that he had never meant to hurt her and that his misguided attempts to connect were wrong and understandably hurtful. He went on to say that he misses her and the kids more than he could ever begin to express with words alone but that he loves her enough to let her go. For the first time in almost twenty years there was no anger, no blaming, no guilting...it was just pure, open, loving emotions. By the end of the discussion, they were laughing and teasing each other....then something amazing happened, they began flirting. A bridge had been built during that discussion without either one of them realizing it. They didn't force it or even intend for it to happen. In their openness, a bridge just appeared like magic. From that moment on, something profound had shifted between them. He asked her out on a romantic date and began courting her slowly, but with care in every word and action he expressed toward her. He started attending to her emotional needs and she suddenly found him incredibly attractive and sexy. They found themselves giving each other with ease, the very things that had been missing in their relationship. With no pressure or expectation...husband and wife, whose divorce was only weeks away from being finalized, started to date. Both have a gratitude now that the simple things in life are so special and important. Recently she took their kids to Disneyland and had him surprise the kids by hiding in the tree house...and in the simplicity of just being together as a family, they found such joy. Now each call, text or interaction is approached with such attention and kindness. The days of contempt, taking each other for granted or being dismissive are gone. They reflect daily about the journey they have been on and what they have both learned from it. The future has not been written....they take each day with loving care and if each day builds on the next, then their new island is the World, for them to explore and go on adventures together. No matter what happens...healing has occurred that will help them move forward with increased clarity and forgiveness. Life is a journey after all and we should all remain open to the infinite possibilities. Never say never!