Mama

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new"....(Rajneesh). I woke up early this morning with words spinning in my head, so I knew I had to get my butt out of bed and start writing, even though I am not a morning person. The theme in my head....being a mom as well as being a daughter. First, I have to say that when my five year old calls me mama...in that sweet little voice, it just melts my heart. I just had to quickly reflect about that. On a more serious note, I have written about my childhood of loneliness and neglect. I never meant to hurt my own mother with those words. It's like the Ashley Judd book that has recently hit the book stores. While claiming her voice and her truth, her mother is haunted about a past she'd rather forget and a daughter's pain, she'd like to white wash. No mother wants to know that she caused pain to her child. I don't believe that a mother means to harm her children with her behavior. A mother gives what love she is able. Some have more to give than others, but they all give the maximum that they can. Most mother's have been wounded in childhood's as well, so they carry on some patterns without intending to. I clearly see that my own mother truly gave what she could and even though it left me wanting and needing more, it taught me many other valuable lessons. I had to mother myself most days and let me tell you, sometimes that was no easy task. Without the imprint in my head of "brush your teeth, wear clean underwear," and such...I had to stumble along, sometimes mothering myself well and other times, not so much. I am proud to say that I wear clean underwear and yes, eventually got on board with brushing my teeth, but other self mothering took some time and lots of practice to take hold. Sometimes I was like little orphan Anne, just wanting to break out in song and play all day. I neglected myself along the way and finally I got fed up with it and had a stern talk with myself. I can't be too mad at my own mom when I didn't always do a great job of taking care of myself. Seems like a huge waste of time to keep blaming parents anyway when all of us, once we hit adulthood, have to take complete and utter responsibility for ourselves. I suppose the lesson of loving myself took the longest to take hold. It took lots of patience to get there, but now it feels so incredibly amazing to feel good in my skin and to genuinely love who I am. I am proud to say that I'm a good mommy to myself now. Now, as a mother...I am still finding my way. I have three amazing souls to nurture and some days, I pat myself on the back and other days I fall into bed so exhausted, wondering if I know what I'm doing at all. Some moments, I look at my three kids basking in pure delight that they are my children until they start fighting, screaming and being sassy and I come back down to earth and wonder how I'm going to get through the day. Mothering is pure joy and pure frustration, wrapped into one. It's not easy to mother and sometimes I have to admit, I drop the ball. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes all of the time. I have to add though that at least my children know that I will own my own weaknesses and I'm always willing to learn. Also, there really is no such thing as mistakes because every mistake is an opportunity to grow and learn. I'm always growing and learning as a mother. I will be learning as a mom until the day I leave this earth. Here are some inspiring quotes about motherhood. "A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie"...(Tenneva Jordan). "Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love"...(Mildred B. Vermont). "The phrase "working mother" is redundant"...(Jane Sellman). "Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together"...(Pearl S. Buck). "If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been"...(Robert Brault). I know that some people have lost their mothers and so, I say a special blessing to all of those moms in spirit for they live on in your heart and in your love. A mother leaves an imprint so strong, that even when they are no longer here, their love can still be felt in the air you breathe. To my own mother I say....thanks mom for giving birth to me and for loving me. I'm sorry if my words ever hurt you, because that was never my intention. Sometimes in honoring my own voice, other's get hurt in the process, but know that I love you very much. I send a blessing out to my two sisters as well. One has three children and she knows the journey of motherhood and my other sister is a saving grace and has been a second mommy to my kids, jumping in and helping out in every way possible. I honor my grandmothers as well....because they were pioneer's and all of the women before me paved the way for me to be who I am today. Each generation helps the next in some way and I know that my grandmothers would be very proud of the woman I have become. To my three sweet, feisty children...I love you more than life itself. You are the air I breathe and even though I do throw my hands up in complete defeat sometimes, I couldn't imagine life without you. Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms and to all of the women who love, nurture and care for children in any and every way. My gift to myself and to my own children this Mother's Day? Permission to be themselves, a prayer that they live life to the fullest and lots and lots of love. "I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity"...(Eleanor Roosevelt). "Intense love does not measure, it just gives"...Mother Teresa).