Divine Love

"There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder"...(Charles Morgan). How do you know that you are in love or someone loves you. You just know, you feel it. Love gets confused and convoluted in arguments, complaints, blame and negotiations. There are certainly different types of love. You can love someone but not be "in love" with them and vice versa. Being "in love" however is unmistakable and it requires no analysis. The problem with love is that often people already know how they feel, they just talk themselves out of it or don't feel deserving of something so simple and pure, love. I see it all the time in counseling individuals and couples. People tell me stories of walking away from the loves of their lives because they were scared or thought all relationships would be as easy. They are not. Relationships based on a real heart connections are easier. Without the heart connection, you end up battling to feel understood, never feeling like they really know you or love you for who you are. Couples battle all the time because they picked each other based on what they wanted the other to be, not for who they really are. Often people don't truly accept themselves for who they are. It's difficult to attract or sustain a true love connection if you struggle with your own self acceptance. Until your internal battle is settled, you will attract people who treat you the way you feel you deserve to be treated. True love is a gift. It needs no defining. Movies and stories depict the beauty of true love. It is a deep soul connection. Time does not matter. You can live with someone for 25 years and not know or truly love one another and yet with true love, you can be together for months and feel like you've been together forever. Here are some inspiring quotes about true love. "Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving"...(Kahlil Gibran). "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread"...(Mother Teresa). "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love"...(Albert Einstein). "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit"...(Peter Ustinov). I have witnessed some heart warming love stories recently in counseling. One divorced client told me that she had never been in love with her spouse. Now that she is "in love," she is experiencing real love for the first time in her life. Another client had experienced a separation from the person he loved for a year. During that time, he realized how he pushed away the one person he truly loved by hiding his feelings. Now that they are reunited, he is much more willing to be vulnerable. He says that life is much "more fun and exciting" by having her in it. He knows that she brought him back to life. Love brings out the best in you and needs no analysis. Defenses however need to be looked at but love....it's so simple that if you just allow yourself to feel it, it's unmistakable and divine.

I Still Believe....

Love is just a word until someone comes along who breathes life into the word and into your heart and quite suddenly, love has meaning. Matters of the heart are sensitive and unique to each individual. What makes us fall in love with one individual and not another? What is love at its core? Love is so incredibly irrational. It comes from the depth of our souls and no amount of arguing can talk you out of it. It is such a profound soul connection between two people. The difficulty however is managing love in the midst of life, timing, defenses and circumstances. I love the movie, "Love in the Time of Cholera." It depicts how two individuals who clearly love each other, get side tracked by obligations, expectations and life. They are kept from each other until they are in their 60's, when they finally have a chance to be together. It depicts the beauty of love never fading. I also like the song, "Breathe" by Taylor Swift. It describes how she has to walk away from someone she loves and is so upset that she can barely breathe. That's what love does to people, it turns the most composed people into emotional wrecks. This blog is about love because with all of the sorrow and pain that comes with love, we all still go on trying to find it. The pain and sorrow is worth it because it means you opened your heart. Better to have opened your heart than remain closed up in a shell your entire life. Most people stay in their shells, guarded, jaded, making excuses to keep their hearts closed up. Many more stay in loveless marriages, become bitter or give up on themselves and love all together. Love is not a fairy tale like Cinderella but when you feel love for even one second, it is a feeling like no other. Love may begin with a dream, a fantasy or chemistry but it continues with opening your heart, a leap of faith and taking a risk. Often times, people are just too afraid to take that leap of faith. I am counseling several individuals in the center of attempting to make love work and some are in the midst of loss and pain due to loving. One client is incredibly sad at having to say good-bye to someone she loves. She does not regret loving him but is heartbroken that they have to part ways due to his fears. Another couple warm my heart because they clearly adore each other. They are taking the risk to be together but their fears are about trust and in navigating through their defenses. Defenses can be like a mine field for a couple. You have to walk carefully and gently around the mines to understand one another until most of the mines become disarmed. Love takes time and continued patience. The song "I Believe," inspired this entire blog and came from some dreams I had. The lyrics are: "Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand. Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand. Open up your mind and then open up your heart. You will see that you and me, we aren't very far apart. Because, I believe that love is the answer.... I believe that love will find a way." So, even if you are currently shedding tears in the name of love, always believe in it. Pain honors love and means that you were willing to open your heart. It is a tribute to your strength and to the beauty of loving. Love gives meaning to life and when it works and two people are in synch with letting love flow, it is one of life's miracles. “One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter"...(James Earl Jones). “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul"...(Judy Garland).

Just One More....

Appreciate the simple things. Those from the other side might say this to us here.....
"I just wish for one more day....one more belly laugh, one more chocolate shake with whipped cream and a cherry, one more whiff of apple pie baking in the oven, one more sweet kiss, one more moment standing around the warmth of a fire on a brisk night, one more gooey-delicious s'more, one more spring day watching the flowers come back to life, one more walk on the beach, one more sunset and one more embrace... The type of hug that makes you feel warm and that all is right with the world. I just wish that everyone truly cherished each and every day they have on earth to appreciate all of the amazing moments that everyone takes for granted until they can no longer enjoy those moments because the end has come and life slips away quietly with one last breath. Savor each moment as if it's your last and you will make me smile on the other side because I know that you are not wasting those moments but instead valuing life. The bitter and the sweet in life is a part of every journey, so enjoy and I'll enjoy those moments too, through your eyes. Don't cry for me, cry for those around you alive, yet not living. I lived my days to the fullest and I hope you do too."

(A tribute to a young soul who died too young from cancer)

Joy and Pain

"This too shall pass" is a wonderful saying. It's a life preserver of sorts. Those four words are a reminder that no matter how horrible or how ecstatic things are....it too will pass. The saying is a life preserver of sorts because people often are seeking some kind of comfort when they have hit their worse times, those moments when all seems bleak and you feel as if there is no hope. Mostly people are seeking comfort when things seem to be at their worse. People often don't seek inspiration or words of wisdom when they are flying high from a successful moment. I like the reminder that those words can help keep us grounded both when things appear awful and when life is a celebration. Often we all get hung up on those moments in life that are blissful, so much so that people then feel let down, disappointed and upset when life brings hardships. Both bliss and pain are a part of life but the saying reminds us that everything is temporary. Nothing lasts forever and in fact...pain is the prelude and the best teacher of joy. When we embrace pain, we transform it into into love. When we embrace joy, we transform life into heaven, one in which pain and joy are not separate....they are one. Often people in pain are desperate for it to go away. They fight the pain, run from their pain and blame everyone else for their suffering. Some even blame god and in the process, they oppose their own experiences and lessons. That only brings more pain and suffering. Ever notice that some of the happiest people are those who have transformed themselves through their struggles, not in spite of them. One's journey of experiences is our path alone and we honor our path by honoring our pain. This too shall pass is a saying of acceptance. Acceptance of life, acceptance of joy and embracing all of life's experiences and emotions. There really are no bad feelings. Experiences cannot control you if you just accept them as part of life. You might try to argue with yourself, "but I've been through terrible things." Gratitude for every experience that has come your way is true acceptance. No matter what you are going through...whether you are enjoying a moment of bliss or the toughest time of your life..."This too shall pass"~(1 Corinthians 10:12).

The Birth of a Mom

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body"...(Elizabeth Stone). You always wonder and certainly idealize, what kind of parent you will be before you have children. In your fantasy, you imagine all of the wonderful moments ahead of you. Thank god for healthy denial, otherwise nobody would ever have children. The truth is, parenthood is hard work! As my babysitter said today in a card to me, "Holy crap, motherhood is hard...thank you for illuminating how rewarding yet challenging motherhood can be." My own mother did not have an easy road to travel as a parent. She had her first baby at 17 years old, practically a baby herself. Living in a small town in middle America in 1960 meant that there was a lot of pressure to marry my dad to make things right. So, right before their senior year in high school, they walked down the isle. Not surprising, six years later after many ups and downs, they decided to divorce. Their union started with a surprise pregnancy and ended with a surprise pregnancy. That's where I come in. They were starting to separate when my mom discovered she was pregnant with me. I guess you could say that I slid in under the wire. I was born two months early and spent the first weeks of my life in an incubator. At 23 years old, there my mom was with two young children, going through a divorce. I would say that she was initiated into motherhood quite suddenly, with lots of family pressures around her as she was still trying to grow up herself. It certainly explains a lot. Many young women are going through that right now. I learned from my mother's journey and decided to have children when I was older. I did not want to struggle as much as she did. I had my first child at 34, so I had the benefit of more security and maturity before I had children. Before I had children, I would silently observe parents and say stupid things to myself like, "I will never let my kids get away with this or that." Yeah well, you can be the best parent in your head until you are actually raising kids. You find yourself doing lots of things you said you never would. I love this quote, "Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories"....(John Wilmot). I have more compassion for the difficult journey my mom had raising kids while she was still growing up, because even with waiting until I was older, I was amazed after my oldest was born, at how absolutely exhausting and overwhelming parenthood could be. Now 15 years later and with three children, I have many amazing moments mixed in with countless moments that push your patience to the absolute breaking point. My favorite moments are watching them grow and learn about themselves. Of course my heart melts when they give me a handmade Mother's Day card, that they are so proud of creating. They have taught me the importance of valuing how incredibly unique each and every one of us are. I've allowed them to be themselves, not some projected image that I want them to be. That's not always easy, but I want them to be themselves, with some much needed guidance along the way. In giving them space to uniquely express who they are, I have learned to value myself as a mother even more. I had to learn to let go of a script I had in my head of what makes a good mother and find my own way. It took practice and patience with myself to go against society, family or friends versions of parenthood. I had to trust my intuition, allow myself to make mistakes and learn from trial and error. I hear women all the time, being so hard on themselves about every perceived error as a parent. If your heart is in the right place, children don't really notice that you may have forgotten to go to the market or made them pancakes for dinner because it was easy. Those things make you human. This Mother's Day, I will be hiking with my kids and will bask in every moment of being with them, even when they fight. I am just so incredibly grateful to have these three beautiful souls on this journey with me and couldn't be prouder to be their mother. Being a mother is the most rewarding and most exhausting lesson I've ever embraced!

Seeing Clearly

“The divorced person is like a man with a black patch over one eye: He looks rather dashing but the fact is that he has been through a maiming experience"....(Jo Coudert). Breaking up any relationship is a messy matter, complicated with two very different perspectives and a whole heap of emotions. I understand how movies like "War of The Roses" is not always far from the truth. How do you go from saying "I do" to not trusting each other, not really knowing each other and lots and lots of hurt. I look at my own wedding pictures and remember back to how naive I was. Sometimes the goal to get married is the central theme, not how to stay married. I was hopeful way back then and thought that we had what it took to defy the 50% divorce rate statistic. I was wrong. It's no body's fault really. Oh sure, like all couples, when the emotions get stirred up, the blame game begins. The blame game is completely draining and such a waste of energy. Hurt is hurt, no matter how much finger pointing you do. It could probably be traced back to the beginning for the both of us and some major short sightedness we had in ourselves at the time. We can only blame ourselves for the break down of the marriage and ultimately learn the valuable lessons each of us needed. I am a therapist and yet I could not even fix what became so broken between us. I am also in awe in how very different our perspectives are on just about everything that has ever happened. I observe it all of the time in sessions with couples but to experience it first hand is sobering. You would think that my ex and I literally lived two different lives based on how each of us would describe our perception of the relationship. That goes back to the point I have made that each of us paints our own version of reality. Again, neither of us is really wrong or right, we're just very different people. 

         I wrote the previous paragraph 5 years ago, almost to the day. I still maintain that each person has their own version of reality but now I have some added perspective. I was blind, yes blind....for most of my marriage. I never saw what was real, nor did I accept how bad things really were. I had an uncanny way of glossing over the bad parts and glamorizing the good. I suppose that this style of coping is quite normal. Some do the opposite, they only focus on the bad and minimize the good. Those types of people can never be happy. My version kept me functioning in a pretend happy, type of way. At first, when we were separating, I cycled through peaks and valley's of mourning the loss of what was and what I hoped it would be. I was so excited five years ago about a new path and tried to navigate my way through the present moment at the time. As time marched on, year after year, my mourning has turned into shock. I'm more shocked now at what I put up with for so many years, and surprised in my own ability to tune out what was really going on! Yikes, I was just way too optimistic and forgiving! LOL. I guess the healer in me always wants to believe the best in folks, but sadly...some people just have not so nice intentions. Here is the best analysis that I can muster up, to explain my incredible tolerance for not so nice behavior. In my family, divorce was pretty much the norm and I decided years ago that I would never get divorced. That was a lot of pressure to put on myself, to carry the burden of fixing an issue that was pervasive throughout my family system. I also had no tools as to how to honor myself enough to navigate choosing a partner for the right reasons. That is an issue many people are guilty of. We do the best we can at the time with the emotional tools we have available to us. As we get older, our emotional tool chest broadens and we shift and change, which is why relationships go through growing pains or just break apart eventually, because we grow and our expectations and tolerance changes. Often, two people begin to hinder each others growth and staying together would just create more pain than letting go. I also observed many adults not honoring themselves and I just followed suit. So here I am, five years wiser and I'm so glad that I am shocked at my past tolerance because it means I've grown. The absolute best gift from my broken marriage is my three amazing children whom make life absolutely magical. I watch them and am so sure that they are the best of my ex and I. They are the miracle that teach me that there are no mistakes, only opportunities. As I continue to move forward, forgiveness is my lesson. All of those that have hurt us have their own lessons, and their own timing in learning those lessons. Yeah, sometimes I pray hard for karma, but that is in gods hands. I have found that some people choose to hold each other hostage in pain and anger the rest of their lives. I see that dynamic clearly now and when we all have the strength to leave situations that kept us hostage, so we have the choice to break the chains, no matter what form others attempt to control us with. Trust me, just because you divorce does not mean that dynamic is broken, it just takes a different form. My lesson is appreciation and forgiveness. It's been the only thing that keeps me free. "Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions"...(Gerald Jampolsky).

Strong in the Broken Places

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places"....(Ernest Hemingway). Recently, a client made the huge decision to finally end his 16 year marriage. He has been thinking about this for years. He described his marriage as an arrangement, "two people living as roommates for years." The reasons that brought them together have faded and as time marched on, they grew further and further apart. They lived separate lives, both had affairs and whenever they attempted to broach the subject of their failing marriage, defenses would kick in and one or the other would rush in to establish the old order. The message, "We may be miserable but don't rock the boat." Many people live like this in their lives, whether it be in relationships of all kinds or jobs they loathe. This mentality does not only apply to marriages. People fear change, above almost anything else! In addition, for some reason, people feel they deserve suffering. Some stay suffering out of pride, others out of deeply rooted fears. Either way, you are failing yourself if you refuse to address the suffering. Once you acknowledge the pain, then you can take the steps to find a solution. Again though, often people are terrified if the solution means major changes. Major changes are necessary and help us grow. Sure stability and security are nice things too but not at the price of your integrity. My client was feeling mixed emotions about the separation. Although he'd be the first to admit openly that he was not in love with his wife, he was terrified about finances, custody, and how his spouse would handle the separation. As expected, she reacted with rage because he had dared to change the rules on her. I complimented him, saying that it took great strength to finally admit the marriage was over. He looked surprised, saying "I don't feel very strong right now, I feel like an emotional mess." That's the beauty of it, when you feel at your absolute weakest, you are actually the strongest you've been in a long time. It does not take strength to live double lives, having affairs and denying reality. That's avoidance. It takes incredible strength to face your deepest fears, your perceptions and finally own how you feel once and for all and then do something about it. My client looked relieved to hear that underneath his fears, worries and doubts was incredible strength bubbling forth. We are all strong in the places in our souls that have endured pain and suffering. It is through the pain we recognize our truths and find the strength to change our lives. We learn to turn that pain into resilency, optomism and courage. Sure, it takes time for the broken places to get stronger. It just takes time, if you just trust the process, nurturing hope and dreams of a new future. The wounds remain but the newfound strengths are your reward. “Time discovers truth"....(Seneca). “We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams"...(Jeremy Irons).

Intuition Rocks!

"All great men are gifted with intuition. They know without reasoning or analysis, what they need to know"...(Alexis Carrel). Tonight I watched one of my all time favorite movies, "August Rush." It is a little known movie that has more heart than most movies released these days. It is a touching story about something I repeat often....following your heart. The movie is about a boy who feels the music and he intuitively knows that the music is leading him to his parents. It is also a love story and shows how sometimes adults can lose their way. It is about gut feelings and an inner knowledge that the "energy" is guiding them. I suppose you could say that the movie is very metaphysical in nature. Have you ever had an intuitive moment that guided you to call someone or to head in a certain direction? Most people have. Often though, people dismiss their intuition in favor of logic. Seems to me that intuition is very much as real (if not more) than what is concrete and logical. We are all actually very telepathic but it is like a muscle that needs to be stretched. With practice and continued awareness, your intuition can get stronger. "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift"....(Albert Einstein). Intuition attempts to give us messages all of the time if you just begin to quiet the mind and listen. Intuition is relentless however and if you keep dismissing it during waking hours, you will be bombarded with intuitive messages in your dream life. Even if you are in touch with your intuitive self, our dream life is another venue for receiving guidance. In counseling many individuals, more people than you might expect have disclosed to me "wacky" moments where intuition was guiding them. Often people are afraid to tell others because they fear seeming crazy. From men and women I hear story after story of synchronicity, messages and dreams showing them the way. You might be surprised to know that some of the most logical guys have secretly told me that they have had intuitive moments. Intuition is an energy that cannot be seen and falls into the realm of spirit. It is our souls way of getting our attention. It comes from the depths of who we are as well as the unseen all around us. It's like when you are heading in one direction and there comes such a strong pull to take a different road. You follow the intuition, just knowing that it "feels right." Later you discover that the new path led you right where you were suppose to be. When it just feels right, even when your logic is sounding alarms, you know that intuition is guiding you. It takes practice in faith and trust to really begin to follow your intuition. We live in a world that honors the rational and logical, so many people are on their own in trying to navigate life using their intuition. The positive side however is that you are not considered too crazy these days if you talk about messages, spirit guides or intuition thanks to shows like John Edwards, Oprah and numerous psychics with books on the market or shows on cable. I received a message in a dream while on vacation that I was going to be pulled over on my way home from the trip but that I would just receive a warning. The following day, I remembered the dream and I made sure to follow the speed limits pretty faithfully. At dusk I was distracted with the kids and suddenly realized that I had missed my turn, a turn I have never missed in all of the years I've been going to Lake Placid. Just at that moment I noticed a police car flip around and turn on its lights. There it was, I was being pulled over just like in the dream. I was actually smiling when he came up to the window because I already knew that he was only going to issue me a warning. He told me to slow down and directed me back to my turn. Once I took off and turned back around to take my turn, I noticed that he had pulled someone else over already. Several minutes later on down the road, several more police cars went speeding by with lights and sirens. Apparently, the next person he pulled over was not just a warning. The lesson was that he needed to pull me over to be in the right place at the right time to pull the next guy over, who was clearly someone who needed to be detained by the police. The dream was intuition giving me a message to not sweat it when I got pulled over. I was also not suppose to avoid it (and couldn't any way), so I played my part beautifully. Intuition offers us a gift every day, the gift of divine knowledge and opportunities to tune into a deeper meaning to life. Honor the intuitive in you and begin to wake up to the guidance it can offer you. "For whereas the mind works in possibilities, the intuitions work in actualities, and what you intuitively desire, that is possible to you. Whereas what you mentally or "consciously" desire is nine times out of ten impossible; hitch your wagon to a star, or you will just stay where you are"...(D. H. Lawrence). "Intuition comes very close to clairvoyance; it appears to be the extrasensory perception of reality"...(Alexis Carrel). "The only real valuable thing is intuition"...(Albert Einstein).